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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boring sex :-(

50 replies

StoneTempleRoses · 26/02/2015 11:58

Been together about 3 years but it's been an issue from the start really. DP has no interest in anything other than straight sex. I've asked him loads of times if we can spice things up a bit and he always agrees but it never happens. With him it's same and robotic. The same basic foreplay (just enough to make sex possible) and then sex. By foreplay I mean he rubs me down there but he often does it too hard so it stops being pleasurable and feels like he's just trying to rush it as much as possible. I often have to tell him to be more gentle as he starts to hurt me. That's it, there is no other foreplay. I've tried initiating oral and whilst he's happy for me to do it to him, he won't return the favour. Even if he just stroked my legs or something - anything just to make it feel less like he's trying to get a machine to work iyswim?
Even the actual sex is becomming boring and I'm finding it harder to climax. He gets on top of me and basically just goes at it until he comes with his head buried in the pillow next to me face. It seems so lazy that he can't even bring himself to keep his body upright so we can kiss or even look at each other.
As I've said I have tried talking to him and he agrees (to shut me up) and then nothing changes. Last night I was kissing him and stroking him in bed and he kept waffling on about madonna falling off stage and other pointless shit that I don't care about. I'd love him to just take the lead one day and show that he actually wants me

OP posts:

flanjabelle · 26/02/2015 12:03

I'm sorry to say it, but you don't sound sexually compatible. You need to lay it on the line, tell him you are unhappy with your sex life and it needs to change. Tell him everything you have said here. if he is unwilling to make changes, you have to decide if you want to stay with someone who does not satisfy you sexually.

Guiltypleasures001 · 26/02/2015 12:08

Op sorry lovely he doesn't sound interested, gets on top and sticks head on pillow next to yours. I would have pushed him off and walked out I mean wtf?

It sounds like it's run its course, find someone who wants to have sex with you even a fuck buddy would be better than this.

Jan45 · 26/02/2015 12:10

He won't change, he's not interested in either having sex with you or just sex per se, he also sounds incredibly selfish and clueless.

He sounds about as useful as a chocolate tea pot, personally I couldn't be in a relationship like that, it sounds awful.

however · 26/02/2015 12:13

How is he with regard to all things non sexual? Is he a good man? Do you love him?

NeedABumChange · 26/02/2015 12:13

Can't you get on top and take control?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 12:14

It's not just that it's boring sex, it's that he seems to have no interest in making it a pleasurable experience for you whatsoever, even with encouragement. To me, that's not just ineptitude it's downright selfish and uncaring. If it's not working for you, suggest you don't waste more time,

Original poster

StoneTempleRoses · 26/02/2015 12:16

Thought as much.
He's always saying he's tired but he's only early 40s. We both work full time and I just feel like he could make more effort. I try pulling his head up from the bloody pillow but it just gets too frustrating

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 12:19

You're being treated as a wank aid and, if you let it carry on, it'll do nothing for your self esteem. If he's 40-ish and this selfish and uncaring, I doubt he's going to change.

AWholeLottaNosy · 26/02/2015 12:21

Sounds awful! Really selfish. There's so much good sex out there to be had, you're really missing out. I don't think he will change, why should he? Unless he's brilliant in other ways ( which I doubt), I'd cut my losses and get out. Or find a fuck buddy...

Joysmum · 26/02/2015 12:21

Tell him you aren't satisfied with sex and you need it to be different. His response should be up want to improve although he may feel hurt of course. If he isn't willing to change or tries to make yiu feel bad or put you down then your onto a hiding to nothing.

Assuming he's receptive:

Firstly, do you know how to please yourself? You don't need to answer that on here you just need to know to able to train him.

Secondly, suggest that you have a couple of evenings where you take turns purely in satisfying the other person. It is the responsibility of the person being pleasured to say what's good and what's not. It's up to the person doing the pleasuring to do it (in term of technique, and position etc, not interns of doing something they aren't comfortable with).

With a few sessions of this you'll both get to know each other's tastes better and get pleasure from seeing each other more satisfied.

The key there is taking the pressure off by a night devoted to the other person and not getting any other pleasure other than pleasing them. Also in being able to open up by verbalising your preferences as do many people can't and their sex lives suffer because of it.

Original poster

StoneTempleRoses · 26/02/2015 12:22

If I get on top he just lays there, still no passion from him even if I try and do all the work.

I do love him but I'm starting to get frustrated with him, not just with sex but with everything. We're getting married next year and whenever I bring it up he answers me it never gets into conversation about it. Last night I was trying to talk about wedding songs and he just kept messing about and making a joke of it. When I said "right Ive chosen two, you choose one" he said "I'll have that one" and pointed to the tv where a (albeit nice) song was playing there and then. Again, no effort went into that at all and muggins here has been thinking deeply about the lyrics etc of various songs for weeks.
He's good around the house and does more than his fair share with housework but to be fair, that's because he cares more about that stuff than I do. It's not as if he does it for my benefit.

OP posts:

flanjabelle · 26/02/2015 12:23

I'm sorry this is vulgar, but you might as well be a blow up doll. It's horrible and you deserve so much more.

Original poster

StoneTempleRoses · 26/02/2015 12:29

Joysmum that sounds like a great idea but I honestly don't think he'd do it. His normal response would be "yeah let's do it!" And then when we get in bed he'll lay there and start waffling on about something he'd seen on TV or "did you know cliff is being investigated again?" Or "have you seen that viral video of the dog balancing biscuits on its head?" great ... Way to turn someone off completely.
If I say to him "what do you want me to do to you?" I'll get the standard "don't know really" response.

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/02/2015 12:29

He's clearly not fussed about having good sex. If being sexual is not in his nature he can't fake it. Cut your losses?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 12:32

Don't get married. He may be the most helpful housemate on the planet but you're describing a serious incompatibility that is unlikely to improve. Weddings and divorces are an expensive business.

Jan45 · 26/02/2015 12:35

Cog is right, try him out as a friend, he aint relationship material, he's shouting it from the rooftops, don't ignore, or do so at your peril.

Perhaps he has issues from his past, it all sounds very odd.

AWholeLottaNosy · 26/02/2015 12:38

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. you'll be setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery. The way he is about the wedding songs speaks volumes. Please don't do it.

Original poster

StoneTempleRoses · 26/02/2015 12:41

Thing is he never has trouble getting an erection and I know he dabbles in porn so he must have a bit of a sex drive?? I don't want to hurt him or make him feel crap about his 'performance' but at 40 should it really be like pulling teeth?? I could understand it if he was really young or really old but 40? It's like he has no experience at all yet he was previously married for 15 years and has two kids

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Wrapdress · 26/02/2015 12:42

Dump him. Hire him as a housekeeper and find another man who has some lust and passion in him. This is going to do a number to your self esteem if you keep on with this Indifferent Dud.

Original poster

StoneTempleRoses · 26/02/2015 12:44

Another thing is, I know that if I never initiated sex, we'd never have it.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 12:48

Porn is just more of the same - masturbation. Putting it crudely he masturbates into you & he masturbates over porn. Nothing that he does sexually is generous or for the pleasure others. It's purely for himself. Sex aside, does he ever behave romantically? Surprise you with gifts or go out of his way to make you feel special?

albal14 · 26/02/2015 12:51

He's not interested. I've been there. He just want it over. How I long to have that mutual horniness in the bedroom. It's great I miss it so much.
Leave him , sorry for the negative comment. Good luck.x

CaptainAnkles · 26/02/2015 12:52

I wouldn't commit myself for the rest of my life to someone who had made it this obvious that he didn't care about how I felt. You've asked him about it and he agrees to change or try harder, but cares so little for your opinions and desires that he won't bother. It's not how I would want my life to be.

uglyswan · 26/02/2015 12:56

OP, please don't marry a man who has sex on you rather than with you. I don't care how much hoovering he does. This must be very frustrating for you, especially as he doesn't seem in the least interested in sorting this out.

Original poster

StoneTempleRoses · 26/02/2015 12:57

Funnily enough cog I've often wondered why he makes himself come knowing full well that I havnt. Other boyfriends\partners have slowed themselves down if they could feel it coming on to give me a chance to catch up, I thought that was normal yet DP just lets it happen regardless.
He doesn't act romantic at all, I can't remember the last romantic thing he did. Valentine's day I asked him if he was going to get me anything. He said "what do you need?" he decided I should get myself the slippers I needed and that could be my valentines present. I told him its not the same choosing and buying my own present (ffs no shit Sherlock, we share finances, I could go out and buy slippers anytime) and do he said he didn't know what I wanted. Frustrated I said "well what about flowers??? That YOU choose and suprise me with??". Valentine's day he'd bought me some roses which were lovely but lets be honest, the idea wasn't from his head was it.
Same with Christmas and birthdays. I have to choose my own presents because he can't be arsed to. Christmas I bought myself a coat which 'we' decided was my Christmas present. He insisted on buying himself some computer bits as 'his' present. Naturally I got him a little something extra to open on Christmas day. Was the same thought waiting for me under the tree? Was it fuck.

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