Boring sex :-(

[StoneTempleRoses]

Been together about 3 years but it's been an issue from the start really. DP has no interest in anything other than straight sex. I've asked him loads of times if we can spice things up a bit and he always agrees but it never happens. With him it's same and robotic. The same basic foreplay (just enough to make sex possible) and then sex. By foreplay I mean he rubs me down there but he often does it too hard so it stops being pleasurable and feels like he's just trying to rush it as much as possible. I often have to tell him to be more gentle as he starts to hurt me. That's it, there is no other foreplay. I've tried initiating oral and whilst he's happy for me to do it to him, he won't return the favour. Even if he just stroked my legs or something - anything just to make it feel less like he's trying to get a machine to work iyswim?
Even the actual sex is becomming boring and I'm finding it harder to climax. He gets on top of me and basically just goes at it until he comes with his head buried in the pillow next to me face. It seems so lazy that he can't even bring himself to keep his body upright so we can kiss or even look at each other.
As I've said I have tried talking to him and he agrees (to shut me up) and then nothing changes. Last night I was kissing him and stroking him in bed and he kept waffling on about madonna falling off stage and other pointless shit that I don't care about. I'd love him to just take the lead one day and show that he actually wants me

That he is ungenerous and thoughtless comes as no surprise. IME Attitude to sex often mirrors general personality.

The more you tell us about this man the worse it gets. Why are you with him? He doesn't put any effort into the relationship. Just get out. You're worth more than this. Being on your own would be better than being with someone who values you so little.

'he didn't know what I wanted'

Strikes me that his comment over the Valentine non-gift is what will be on your divorce papers in due course. When someone loves and cares for you they take the time to find out want you want. They want to make you happy, even if it just means (as my boyfriend did the other day) turning up with a bunch of tulips 'because I thought they looked cheerful and you sounded a bit down on the phone'. Even if they get it completely wrong, it's the thought that counts.

He doesn't know what you want - in the bedroom or otherwise - because he's not particularly interested in you.

Joysmum that sounds like a great idea but I honestly don't think he'd do it. His normal response would be "yeah let's do it!" And then when we get in bed he'll lay there and start waffling on about something he'd seen on TV

In which case you either accept things as they are or split.

There's no way a considerate lover would cum before you had unless you knew that wasn't going to be likely and are satisfied without orgasm.

I married someone like this in the hope it would get better. It didn't. In fact he ended up being horribly sexually abusive to me. I would often object to the rough rubbing like you describe , still it continued and if I tried to move his hand he would still carry on. What I thought was lack of effort was actually abusive behaviour. I didn't recognize it until it reached a certain level , but looking back it was always happening subtly , under the guise of being clueless.

Please make sure this isn't what's happening to you. How many times do you think you have told him the way he touches you is painfull ? Really think about that. Because this is something you only have to be told once about. If you have told him repeatedly that you don't like it , and he continues , there's something very wrong.

I would not marry this man. He has no interest in meeting your needs sexually. It sounds like you've been very clear about what you want and need and he initially agrees but does nothing. That's a clear statement that your needs don't matter to him.

I'd also be concerned he never initiates. The scenario you describe where you are kissing and stroking him in bed and he's waffling about Madonna is a piss take. Anyone knows this would be hurtful. Obviously it's up to you what happens with your relationship but in the meantime I would have really firm boundrys. If he touches you in a rough way I would shut things down instantly. If you are snuggling and he's talking about celebrities stop snuggling.

Do not marry this man. He prefers porn. He doesn't want real sex with a real woman. He has issues. Imagine when you have dc. All this cleaning uo is his over compensating behaviour. You being taken for a fool.

Sorry but the reason he burries his head in the pillow is not that 'he is lazy to keep his body straight' .
It is probably because he is imagining something else that moment. Sorry:-(

It's like he has no experience at all yet he was previously married for 15 years and has two kids

All that means is he had sex twice

I'm sorry OP but I think you're on a hiding to nothing here. For his age group his lack of concern for your pleasure is ridiculous. It sounds like he either has a very low sex drive or that he just can't be bothered to have "real" sex because he'd rather have an easy wank. Almost like he's annoyed that he has to go to the bother of getting you lubricated. I'm surprised he doesn't just go buy a bottle of lube, squirt it at your ladybits and say "job done", TBH.

Sorry I'm being flippant and I know this is your life and future we're talking about. Don't marry this man, for gods sake. You deserve a partner who is actually invested in your wants and needs. This one, sadly, isn't.

My friend had a partner exactly like this, he had been married before (for 6years, no children) friend used to constantly complain about the lack of sex life, how he would change the subject, just lay there, then go at her like a bicycle pump (her words) no foreplay to speak of.
They were due to get married, but a month before (when everything had been paid for and organised!) he came out as gay.
He now lives with a man and my friend sees him around and they never speak.
Please don't marry him OP

This kind of thread makes my heart sink. Especially when it contains,'we are due to get married'. Just don't. This is the part of a relationship when you can't get enough of each other, want to please one another and love buying special presents and so on.

Is this honestly what you want for the rest of your life? Is it fuck. Call off the wedding and leave him. He won't change. You won't be happy, I promise you.

Please come back one day and tell us you are happy.

You deserve so much more than this! Please don't marry him. My heart sinks too. Cannot understand what you would stay with him for.

Sorry to say it but it sounds like he's just not that into you. Depressingly impersonal. Manifests itself through boring sex but appears to permeate the rest of your relationship. Think about how you feel about someone you love and what you would do to make them happy. This appears to be lacking on your dp's part.

Sorry this must be really hard for you.

Dare I ask if and how he proposed op?

Valentines Day I asked him what was he going to get me

When did Valentines Day become all about the woman? What did you get him?

Roses, it seems like you are coming to a point where you either need him to change, or the relationship is over....

And as you've been trying to initiate this change, maybe you might be still willing to give it one last go - and by that I mean really go for it. Tell him what you need. Show him what you need, take charge, control things, I'm hesitating to say this, but why not really truly unleash your full on passionate, loving, daring, caring inner self. He doesn't really know what you want, what you need, what you crave - so in a last ditch attempt to keep the relationship, why not just say Sod It, and go for it. Train him, teach him.

If this works, then great, happy days. And if it doesn't, you've lost nothing and can honestly say you tried your hardest.

Joysmum explained this in a much more genteel way upthread, but speaking as a bloke, I should point out that men are simple creatures and that 'genteel' often isn't the way to get them to understand things. Maybe he hasn't ever really had good sex previously and actually is unaware of how it should be. I'd also dare to suggest that he isn't a mind reader so needs things explaining - clearly, concisely. Just asking for things to be spiced up a little isn't enough. Show him, do it to him, do it to yourself. You say he's ok receiving oral well, get him super excited then tell him, 'if you don't reciprocate, then I won't finish you off and here, let me instruct you on how I want it...' It's a two way street and it might be that you need to lead him into this street. He'll either love you for it and join in wholeheartedly or run away screaming - either way, it's a win for you as you won't be in limbo and can carry on with your life.

Best of luck xx

He's an all round winner, this one
OP, you know what you need to do. You really do.

Another porn hound that a woman is expected to "fix" FFS!

I agree Helena.

Been there OP, my ex was the crappest most boring shag ever. I could predict exactly what was going to happen during every shag, yawn! If it hasn't changed after three years it never will.

You've put up with this for THREE YEARS????

You have my sympathy, my husband is a selfish boring bastard in bed as well!

My advice would be to get rid of him while you can (take it from someone who knows!)

Does he ever make you feel like you're anything more than part of the furniture? The sex is this bad because all he cares about is getting his orgasm with the minimal amount of effort, which is exactly what masturbation is. He doesn't seem to care about making you feel pleasured or cared for in any aspect of your relationship. It sounds like the only reason you're still together is because it's more convenient/easy for him to have you around than to break up with you.

Relationships require effort and care to stay alive. He doesn't even seem to be putting in a minimal amount of effort. Get rid now and find someone who will.

This is not boring sex but really, really CRAP sex.

He has not got the remotest idea of how please a woman and he quite patently doesn't care.

The present giving behaviour is all of a piece.

I don't know how you could contemplate a lifetime of this?

I would be so tempted to dump him with the info that he is the worst shag in the history of the WORLD.

How did he propose? I'm amazed he actually made the effort to do that.

FWIW, DH had very little sexual experience when we met, but it didn't take long for him to become the best sex of my life. If this man is still this god awful after 3 years it's not because he doesn't know how to please you, it's because he doesn't care to find out.