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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't want sex with husband

35 replies

Girl33 · 26/02/2015 09:18

We usually have a fairly regular sex life but he has been so emotionally cold lately I am dreading sex with him. I have put it off for two weeks. I just have this strong feeling in the pit of my stomach that I don't want to. Especially since he grabbed my arm in the kitchen last week. I am trying to work out if he is really an abuser or not and it is turning my stomach.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 09:24

You don't have to have sex with anyone if you don't want to. They don't have to be abusive for that to be true. What kind of behaviour are you describing as 'emotionally cold' and what were the circumstances where he grabbed your arm? You sound rather anxious and frightened.

however · 26/02/2015 09:25

What else has been going on? What is your relationship like generally?

Original poster
Girl33 · 26/02/2015 09:29

He likes to put me down and poke and pinch me or hit my bum. He flicked me on the nose really hard and laughed like it was a joke so I went to do it back and he grabbed my arm so hard it left a mark and he looked scary. He has never massively crossed the line but I don't know where the line is anymore.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 09:36

That's really unpleasant, demeaning, bullying and therefore abusive behaviour. If you want to judge whether something 'crosses a line' ask yourself this. If a stranger walked up to you in the street and did exactly the same things, would you regard it as acceptable or would you call 999?

Has this behaviour just started? Has it been going on for a long time? Has it escalated recently?

BathtimeFunkster · 26/02/2015 09:41

Flicking your nose hard and then hurting you when you attempted to retaliate sounds like crossing the line in a pretty major way.

Original poster
Girl33 · 26/02/2015 09:43

Our relationship is ok as long as I agree with him and don't try to 'be clever', he used to be like it then I left two years ago and he changed for a bit. Now he's back to the same. He'd never force anything it's just the moods and silence I can't take. It's worse this week as he had alcohol poisoning on the weekend so is trying to not drink for a while. He usually drinks every night

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 09:49

"Our relationship is ok as long as I agree with him and don't try to 'be clever'"

That's an abusive relationship. It's called 'coercive control', it relies on keeping the victim (you) in a constant state of fear & anxiety and it is totally unacceptable. Promises to change are always broken.

I think you are in a lot of danger. The minor assaults that you are being subjected to - nose flicking, hitting you on the backside etc - are his way of telling you that, if he really wanted to, he could do you some serious damage.

Please get yourself away and safe. Womens Aid can be reached on 0808 2000 247 and the police DV unit is on 101

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 09:51

Do you have any children?

pilates · 26/02/2015 10:09

Sorry he does sound abusive and the alcohol poisoning doesn't sound good.

You do not sound happy and need to reevaluate your relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 10:19

Are you OK OP?

Original poster
Girl33 · 26/02/2015 10:25

We have a toddler and two stepsons who stay on weekends. It would break my heart to lose them. He has periods of being okay... I just don't know. I'm so confused. I feel like I'm drowning from lack of positive attention, it's like I'm craving it.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 26/02/2015 10:26

That's not a healthy normal relationship you are in, it's violent, aggressive and controlling, why do you want to be with a person that treats you so badly?

SlightlyJaded · 26/02/2015 10:32

Girl, you are confused because he wants you to be.

No doubt he is following the usual abusers script of punishing you just enough to keep you in your toes followed by periods of bring nice to throw you off your game and quell any though you have about him being abusive.

His behaviour sounds sadly typical of such a man.

You will find much advice on this board but make no mistake, you are in an abusive relationship. I can tell you that because 'symptom one' is nearly always cofusion/self doubt.

The good news is that you will now begin to understand why you feel that way and there are lots of wise people here who can help you. Thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 10:37

I'm sorry that you're confused. Sadly, that's often the result of being bullied. If you're 'drowning' it's because you're frightened.

If you think your stepsons would be in danger if you left them in the charge of a violent alcoholic without you acting as a barrier, then I think others would agree with you. You have to end this for the sake of yourself primarily but also the children. And, to do it properly and to protect everyone, you're going to have to report his behaviour so that it's on record as being abusive. Does your stepsons' mother know what's going on?

MerryMarigold · 26/02/2015 10:40

I think if it were 'teasing' stuff (like a little smack on the bum), he wouldn't mind you doing it back, let alone hurting you when you go to do the same thing back to him.

To me, flicking on the nose does not sound like a joke to me. It sounds painful and clearly he meant it to be, if he didn't want you to flick him. I think you need to ask him to stop doing all these things because you don't like it, and see if he gets angry or apologises. If he does get angry, you need to get out, I'm afraid. If he says sorry but carries on doing it, also get out.

MerryMarigold · 26/02/2015 10:42

Sorry, thread moved on. So he is an alcoholic too.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 10:49

"see if he gets angry or apologises"

As it has already escalated to grabbing the OP's arm hard enough to leave marks, I don't think the OP can afford to take any chances. Yesterday it's a flick on the nose, today it's injuring her arm... tomorrow she could be dead at the foot of the stairs. It happens.

OP you are in danger and you need to reach out to someone who can help you. Either get the children and go stay with someone, or call the police or contact Womens Aid... but please don't continue to put yourself and the children you love in harms way.

Original poster
Girl33 · 26/02/2015 12:06

He's ok with the kids, none of us are at risk. His ex is manipulative and I couldn't trust her to give me an honest answer as to what he was like when married to her. Plus she might tell him if I ask anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Girl33 · 26/02/2015 12:07

Thankyou for replies has been really helpful I don't feel so alone now.

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/02/2015 12:08

I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with him (been there) and you need to get away before it gets worse. Really.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 12:09

You are at risk. You've already been grabbed hard, pinched, insulted, flicked..... It is getting worse. You are at risk. It's your choice what happens next but please remember that your children (and his children) don't have any choice. They need you to make the right choice.

GlasgowParent · 26/02/2015 12:14

"Our relationship is ok as long as I agree with him and don't try to 'be clever'"

Alarm bells.

Original poster
Girl33 · 26/02/2015 13:06

I'm finding it hard because my father and grandfather were stereotypical silent male providers and I can see similar traits in my husband. What if I am just being needy? I need to work on my self esteem.

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/02/2015 13:12

it's not about being silent, is it?
He is physically abusive. He left a mark on your arm. You show that to the doctor or the police and you have a case for domestic violence with evidence. And you'd likely get an injunction.

My dad is the type who doesn't talk much. As is my brother.
But they are not emotionally cold. They don't drink themselves to stupor. Nor are they only ok if the women agree to all they say, and are not "clever".

MerryMarigold · 26/02/2015 13:16

Agree. There is a massive difference between being silent and to some extent, emotionally detached - to being abusive.

The things people are flagging up or not his moods, but his aggression towards you and control.

Are you able to tell him it has to stop NOW. ANY insults, any flicks, pinches etc. If you are not able to tell him that, then that's a massive alarm bell in itself.