Don't want sex with husband

[Girl33]

We usually have a fairly regular sex life but he has been so emotionally cold lately I am dreading sex with him. I have put it off for two weeks. I just have this strong feeling in the pit of my stomach that I don't want to. Especially since he grabbed my arm in the kitchen last week. I am trying to work out if he is really an abuser or not and it is turning my stomach.

You'll find it hard to work on your self esteem whilst living with an abusive man who literally smacks you down if you 'get too clever'.

Can I ask? What made you decide to leave last time? What made you decide to get back together? Are you worried that, if you end it for good, you'll get a backlash from people who disapproved of your decision last time? Do you think you have to stick with it because you knew what he was like? You 'made your bed' ?

I left last time because I couldn't take anymore and I got so angry I hit him back. This was two years ago. I was so ashamed it shocked me into leaving. He sent flowers to my work, wrote me a letter, our friends didn't understand except one who said I was better off away from him. This was two years ago. We are now married with a toddler and I'm trapped.

repeating myself sorry. He was so contrite and begged for me to come back but now claims I was crazy and it was all my fault

How about contacting the friend that said you were betrer off without him and getting their support? Seems like they saw through his behaviour at an early stage. Abusive men often goad a victim into lashing out incidentally. It gives them ammunition to use against you.... as you've already discovered.... and adds to their control. 'You're as bad as I am' , 'you're a psycho', 'if you walk out I'll tell Social Services you're an unfit mother'.... etc

You're not trapped. Even if you're married with a child, you have other options than to carry on suffering abuse.

You are at risk

His ex is manipulative, is she? That's interesting. When you leave him, how will his next victim describe you?

I still feel ashamed. I did wonder if he was making it up about her but we are quite 'close' and she does tell lies to get attention, like saying she's dying?! Which is not true at all.

Well I mean some women are probably manipulative etc, but I just notice that in the Venn diagram of relationships there's a heavy overlap between "abusive arse" and "crazy ex".

Never mind his ex. She has to make her own life and her own decisions about what's best for herself and her DCs. If you leave and you think your stepsons would be at risk of neglect or harm left in his sole care, then tell her or Child Protection. That would be your responsibility discharged.

Your primary responsibility is to yourself and your baby. You're being bullied, abused and mistreated and it's wrong.

Girl33 so sorry to hear. Lots of good advice on here, hope you find the way through all this. Get support on real life and talk to women's aid, please.