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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

selfish? brave? running away?

30 replies

ggg123 · 25/02/2015 20:15

I know this is relationships but didn't know where else to post....
I have a question :)
Trying to cut a very long story short.... would it be selfish of me to move 40miles away. Sell my home to rent? Change my daughter's school? All because I feel like a fresh start is needed after being separated for 4 years, almost divorced and being bought up in a very dysfunctional family which I no longer really see apart from parents that still drain me and leave me with awful memories.
Selfish? Brave? Running away?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/02/2015 20:28

If you were relocating to another country, it might be excessive. 40 miles and I'd be surprised if your postcode changed much! If a fresh start is what you need go for it. Who is standing in your way?

FunkyPeacock · 25/02/2015 20:31

How old is your DD?

If she's primary age then if you think the move will make you happy and the area you are planning to move to is a nice place to raise a child then I would say go for it. 40 miles is not a huge distance so she ought to still be able to see her Dad often enough (assuming he has regular access?)

If DD is secondary age then I would say you need to think more carefully about the likely impact on her and how big a change the move will be for her (eg. Does the move involve rural to urban or vice versa? - that might be more of a culture shock for a teen)

Original poster
ggg123 · 25/02/2015 20:34

I know it probably doesn't seem far but I live in a small village. My family is here. I went to school here. My 2 daughter's go to school here. Its all I've known. I have been on a rollacoaster trying to support and stay in my house, take on the mortgage. I couldn't buyaagain because of arrears (which I have now consolidated) I would have to rent which scares me a little. I would be moving to a city and my post code doesn't change alot but its a big move to me.
Nobody really. I wonder if I'm being selfish to my girls?

OP posts:
Original poster
ggg123 · 25/02/2015 20:40

My daughter's are 7 and 9. I'm not sure how they would adapt with just me :/
I'm also concerned with leaving my property to rent.
Yes they would still see there dad one evening every other weekend. He has a new gf who lives at the end of our street. Awkward! Small town. Too many memories :(

OP posts:
BifsWif · 25/02/2015 20:58

The only thing that would concern me is that you would be going from a home owner (albeit mortgaged) to having to rent and not get on the property ladder again. Other than that, I would go for it.

BifsWif · 25/02/2015 20:59

Or have I misunderstood and you would be renting out your current home?

Original poster
ggg123 · 25/02/2015 21:11

No I would have to sell and privately rent somewhere to live. If I could buy again it would be great but apparently it takes 6 years for your credit rating to go up!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/02/2015 21:43

I'm sure, if you approached it right and appeared to be confident in your decision, your girls would see it as a massive adventure. Small village life is all right as far as it goes but a big town that has more stuff going on & new things to look forward to could be a lot of fun. Have they visited the place? Might they help you choose the new house? If they're worried about missing friends or family can you hook them up to Skype etc?

If this is the right move for you, it's the right move for them...

pdxs · 25/02/2015 22:25

although lots of benefits to a fresh start, I would think very carefully about giving up home ownership to rent... If you don't see your income going up substantially (I have no idea of your financial circumstances, but as you mention debt consolidation I am guessing fairly tight) think about of you could buy again. If not... With mortgages so cheap do you want to rent for rest of your life.. esp retirement?

Cabrinha · 25/02/2015 22:46

You've been separated 4 years - why is his girlfriend living near you awkward?

The big sticking points for me would be giving up home ownership when you seem to have no real prospect of buying again? And also I do think you need a very good reason to change your kids school. That's not to say you haven't got a good reason, I don't know - but it would need to be very good in my opinion.

Could you prepare the girls by telling them that you'll be moving for secondary? And use the next few years to pay off the consolidation loan so you can sell and buy in new location?

Original poster
ggg123 · 25/02/2015 22:54

No I haven't mentioned anything to them as it is something that I have been thinking about recent. To be honest we are not leaving a great deal behind. Just the house saying that their home what they have always known. Your right though I know they'd be fine as long as their with me. Yeah thats my biggest concern. I think if I was renting already it wouldn't be so jard but then I think its just a house. Maybe I'm having a mid life crisis :/ just lots gone on and sometimes you just feel like maybe its not meant to be.
I don't have a fantastic income but I guess we are comfortable as far as one parent families go. I had to consolidate arrears as when my husband left arrears mounted but all clear now.

OP posts:
Original poster
ggg123 · 25/02/2015 23:01

I think secondary would be worse for them :( I have consolidated over the mortgage period.
Yes and I'm thinking that the reasons are for my selfish reasons. Long story but the girls don't go to her house (don't know why) he keeps it separate. The last I heard she wanted him to move to Australia. Its not great access between girls and their dad but its access. Even longer story about my family. I guess I'm just looking for new beginnings for us all :)

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/02/2015 23:55

Whilst I understand why people would be saying to keep the property because you own it, the way you described it originally made it sound as though it wasn't all that easy keeping on top of the mortgage. If moving into rental would be cheaper per month and selling the house would release capital that you could possibly invest for the future would that take the pressure off?

Original poster
ggg123 · 26/02/2015 00:13

I'm probably not going to get much cheaper but I also worry about the upkeep. I don't have extra income for repairs but then its security!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 00:35

One advantage of renting is that someone else pays for the repairs.

Coyoacan · 26/02/2015 03:00

I love things like the security of owning my own place, OP. But in the end a house is just a house and if you are unhappy where you are living, why not? Is it not at all possible to rent out your house, because you are going to totally new experience and if you find out you actually miss home, it would be great if you could move back.

Original poster
ggg123 · 26/02/2015 08:13

I have looked into that and I would have to change my mortgage and they won't let me. It would go up an extra 150 a month and I wouldn't make the rent on it and plus I'm still liable for repairs. If I thought to myself right give myself a couple of years with a plan to move I could feelmore popositive but then like we have spoke about girls are alot older. It's such a hard decision. My job is regional so I could work between Devon and Swansea. So thats not a worry! If I was with someone it wouldn't feel as scary!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 08:24

Any big decision comes with a certain amount of fear and doubt so it's important to get properly informed rather than act impulsively. You seem to have gone into it in some detail already so it sounds like you're approaching it sensibly. You say your family is dysfunctional. Do you have any friends you can bounce your ideas off? Sometimes just talking about it can help you make up your mind.

I've said this before on this board but I think what you end up regretting in life are not the mistakes you make but the opportunities you passed up.

Original poster
ggg123 · 26/02/2015 08:45

Yeah I have been thinking about it for a while but it's like I have been waiting for a 'sign' to go :)
I know that may sound silly but my life hasn't been very secure and when my husband left it became turned upside down and it's only the last 6 months I have found some balance. I went back to college for 3 years and was hoping to go to uni but I didn't get in (2nd year applying) it's been a rollacoaster and the disappoinment has made me think maybe its not meant to be and maybe try and progress within my job now.
I am going to sound quite sad now but no I don't have any friends to chat to about this. Obviously I know the girls friends mums but only for a little chit chat on the school run. I guess this is another reason for the way I'm thinking.
My mum and dad well thats a whole other story. You would understand if you knew but don't want to bore anyone :/
I actually dream about starting all over. I just wish there was something strong enough pushing me other than my selfish thoughts :(

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 08:52

You know, sometimes the way you turn a chit-chat friend into a really good friend is to share a dilemma with them and ask their opinion. :) One of those mums might be a really good listener or great with projects or have experience in property.

shovetheholly · 26/02/2015 08:55

OP, you sound brave to me.

First of all, props for the college/uni thing. That takes guts - please don't give up now! A lot of people don't get in because their form doesn't 'fit' exactly what the uni wants to hear. Schools have people who are trained to go through these forms and check them for the kids - is there any way that you can get more advice next time around? Also, have you thought about studying with the Open University? There are no entry requirements there and I'm sure you'd do really well, and though there wouldn't be the same level of social contact, there is some on offer!

I suppose this is a way of saying: I would think carefully about what kind of new start you want. If you are unhappy in your career, and want to get to uni, then maybe a geographical move alone isn't the answer, particularly if it means giving up your house and renting. I'm not saying 'don't do it' - more 'think carefully whether this is the right time for you'. If you did do a degree, then moving afterwards, when you have more job opportunities, might work out better? It might also mean that you don't have to give up the security of your home to rent.

Christinayang1 · 26/02/2015 08:56

You are not being selfish by trying to sort your life out, you have been through a hard time and your head is all over the place....try talking to the other mums, once you open up you might find that they have just as much going on in their own lives

Original poster
ggg123 · 26/02/2015 08:57

True! :) thankyou :)

OP posts:
Original poster
ggg123 · 26/02/2015 09:09

Shovetheholly - I understand what you mean about what uni's want to hear. 5 years ago I set out to go back to do an access course husband leaves and I can't afford the childcare) so I do a foundation degree in that time I worked so hard in preparing my personal statement. Worked voluntary and didn't get in. I was so determined (also fighting to stay in the house) I got a new job and did an ou course to better my skills. Didn't het in :( just found out yesterday from the last uni I applied to. Its for health care and I know its competitive and if it wasn't for the fact I am 38 this year and need to earn an income I would be telling myself right next year!!! I try to be positive I really do and I know this reads like I'm giving up. I just sometimes think it's not meant to be!
I worry about timing as I couldn't change the girls schools through secondary it would be so unfair.
Christinayang1 - yeah I will try to its just hard. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 26/02/2015 09:13

Beware that you aren't running away from something you can't run from and lose the good things in your life by doing so.

I'm more of a fan of seeing a big move as running 'to' something rather than running 'away'.

So are you running away or running to?

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