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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh wants me to give up breastfeeding

37 replies

deepdish · 25/10/2006 10:16

dd2 is 6 months, I have another dd and a ds. I thought I would breastfeed for the first 6 months only, but now dd2 and I have settled into a routine and we both really enjoy it. I like to feed her in the morning and evening and in the night if she needs it. She has bottles of formula in the daytime now although I exclusively breastfed for 5 months which I am secretly very proud of as it is hard to do with two other small children. Dd2 has been eating real food for a couple of weeks. I also breastfeed in the day if she gets really upset about anything as it comforts her. She has a tooth now and bites me when she has had enough! Anyway my dh thinks that breastfeeding is linked to my lack of libido, we have slept together only 4 times since dd2 was born. I really don't have any sex drive at the minute. Our relationship is fundamentally good although we are getting at each other more than usual. I don't want to stop feeding dd2 as she will more than likely be my last baby and it is going so well. I don't know whether to give up or not to try and increase my libido or to please dh. I would be grateful for some advice. Thanks.

OP posts:

Cappuccino · 25/10/2006 10:22

it's true that bf can reduce libido

but having had one bottle-fed child and one bf child, in my experience it's more down to being knackered; I didn't notice a difference tbh

if you've got three kids I think you're more probably tired than anything else. How much does he help with giving you sleep/ time off?

MadamePlatypus · 25/10/2006 10:25

Agree with Cappucino. Breastfeeding may or may not have an effect on your libido, but I think having 3 kids including a 6 month old is going to be the major factor.

TheDaVinciCod · 25/10/2006 10:26

4 times in 6 mothsi pretty good from what i can rmember!

Original poster

deepdish · 25/10/2006 10:26

oh dear, does that mean we will never have sex again lol.

OP posts:

Cappuccino · 25/10/2006 10:28

if he wants you to feel more sexy, maybe he could give you time off to get some sleep/ go buy some clothes/ have a bath/ any number of things

running around covered in sick taking kids to the toilet does not make you feel sexy, whether you're breastfeeding or bottle feeding

SoupDragon · 25/10/2006 10:28

Oh for heaven's sake - having 3 small children makes you knackered and affects your libido!!

Has he asked you to stop bf-ing to see if it makes your libido return?? If so, my personal opinion is that he's being a selfish tw*t. Which isn't very helpful is it...! As Cappuccino says, how helpful is he? Does he give you "time off" to recharge your batteries? How much time do you get to go out alone?

SoupDragon · 25/10/2006 10:29

(and yes, 4 times in 6 months is pretty good going when you have a baby + small children!)

Original poster

deepdish · 25/10/2006 10:31

not much time alone. He isn't very good at 'pampering' me, I have to put my foot down to get him to watch the children while I have a bath. I think he feels a bit hard done by. He asked outright this morning when I was going to 'knock all this on the head' as I was feeding dd2. He used to bring me a cup of tea in the morning but that seems to have stopped .

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 25/10/2006 10:35

I came back to apologise for being harsh when calling him a selfish tw*t but now I stand by that! Sorry.

Tell him it's not the bf-ing it's the lack of "me time" etc etc.

belgo · 25/10/2006 10:36

So he wants you to stop bf so that he'll have more sex? If that was my husband, I would feel very resentful at having to stop something that is benefitting my baby, and that I enjoy myself. I think you need to explain how you feel, and tell him you want to continue bf for another six months.

SoupDragon · 25/10/2006 10:36

Motherhood is relentless, You are on call 24/7 and that makes it difficult to relax properly. Is it any wonder you don't feel like sex? I honestly don't think men understand this at all.

Lact8HisLiverWithANiceChianti · 25/10/2006 10:36

I'd be tempted to tell him to feck off!

But for the sake of peace I'd probably explain to him, as you say at the end of your OP, that you are aware that this will probably be the last baby that you'll feed and want to make the most of it. Tell him that it will only be x amount of time out of your whole relationship that you will still be feeding dd for.

And that being made to choose between feeding or having sex with him is not making you feel inclined towards resuming your sex life with him

Bramshott · 25/10/2006 10:39

Tell him that if you stop, DD2 is bound to get ear infections and keep you both up all night screaming

Original poster

deepdish · 25/10/2006 10:39

yes I feel very very happy about breastfeeding. I love the time I have with my baby. I really love all the snuggly closeness and yes I suppose that means I don't 'need' sex so much as I am being physically satisfied (that sounds weird but do you know what I mean?) by her. Anyway maybe I should just say I mean to continue as long as she and I want to. This will really irritate him. It is a shame that he doesn't tell me how fantastic I am for giving his dd2 a good start but there you go.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 25/10/2006 10:43

Maybe you need to tell him what things he can do to make you feel better and thus increase your libido. It's easy to get bogged down with being a mother and being covered in sick and snot, spending your day singing silly songs, playing stupid baby games and generally having your brain rot away to mush. Breastfeeding is a very small part of it IMO.

Original poster

deepdish · 25/10/2006 10:47

he wouldn't be very receptive to that I don't think. We are worried about money at the moment as well and with christmas coming there is no money for me to buy some nice clothes/get hair done. I do the best I can as I like to try and look nice but it doesn't always work! Sometimes I feel as though he thinks having a baby is no big deal and I should be exactly the same as I was before children.

OP posts:

moaningpaper · 25/10/2006 10:50

tell him there is nothing more sexy than a man down on his hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor on a regular basis

hunkermunker · 25/10/2006 10:52

And nothing less sexy than a man nagging his wife for sex and ordering her to deny their child something for it.

lulumama · 25/10/2006 10:52

if money is a concern...how is switching to formula and buying bottles, teats etc...going to help!

and agree with moaningpaper...when my DH is helpful, and appreciative and takes the kids out for a bit...i'm much more likely to be in a bedroom mood later on!!!

Cappuccino · 25/10/2006 10:55

men taking their kids on trips to the park/ shops/ brisk walk costs nothing

having a bath without the kids costs nothing

him making their dinner and your dinner costs nothing

breastfeeding costs nothing

scrubbing floor costs nothing

shall I go on?

Cappuccino · 25/10/2006 10:57

deepdish I honestly don't think that this is a discussion about breastfeeding at all; it's a discussion about how your husband is coping with being a father

harpsichordcarrion · 25/10/2006 11:01

4 times in 6 months! well done you...
I think that if you give up breastfeeding before you want to you will find that resentment can be a bit of a passion killer too...

witchscatsmother · 25/10/2006 11:13

I agree with Cappuccino. He sounds as if he is jealous of the time and closeness you spend with the baby. Does he not want his baby to benefit from the best form of milk there is ?

And what would happen if you stopped, and your libido didn't come back immediately ? I expect you'd find there'd be a lot more pressure applied to you to have sex as, in his "expert" mind, there should now be no reason for you to say no.

As everyone else has said (& having b/f 2 children for 13 & 15 months) libido is not to do with breastfeeding, it is to do with feeling like an attractive, sexy woman (and your H needs to help you feel that) and most importantly, being able to recharge your batteries once in a while instead of being on call 24/7 without a break.

Original poster

deepdish · 25/10/2006 11:26

He tidies all the time! In fact if I saw him scrubbing the kitchen floor it would make me grumpy! I would like him to have a bit more fun with the older kids - take them all out somewhere. He looks terrified when I suggest this though and is always coming up with things he needs to do around the house.

OP posts:

Pitchounette · 25/10/2006 11:47

Message withdrawn

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