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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating a Cocaine User

61 replies

Lasvegas01 · 24/02/2015 05:40

My boyfriend does coke. I have been aware of this and now realizing he is in a little more deep than I thought.
He says he has done it for about 8 years, I have been around for 1. He says he only does it on weekends, and he doesn't have a problem because he can have it in the house without doing it. I know what I see, but wonder how much is hidden from me.
He usually gets it Thursday night and do it until it's gone(usually through Saturday night). He shares it with people when he is out. When we first started dating people would call/text offering football tickets, party invites ect...It has slowed down over the past 6 month or so. He thinks he is popular with a elite group of men, and the young girls half his age likes him because he is attractive and fun. I say it's because he always has blow in his pocket. I have been honest with my thoughts on this.
I have recently made a list of some concerns. I will write them below. Is this all related to the coke use?

-When I am going through something in life, when I really need him and his support he is not there for me. When I get pissed and express my feelings about the lack of support he pulls away and he hangs with his friends(it seems it usually be a weekend, and mainly one friend) It's like we had a fight because I needed him and instead of supporting me and comforting me he needs space because we got into a disagreement.
-He is Unmotivated
-Sleeps a lot/falls asleep
-Often late because he fell asleep
-Often doesn't sleep in bed with me
-Doesn't follow through with things he says he is going to do. Exp: helping with home projects ect...(anything that has to do with work for somebody else)
-Very Spontaneous, he would rather not have a plan
-No structure/doesn't like routine
-everybody loves him in his eyes

He fells he is a awesome loyal friend and his friends that are millionaires and run company's come to him for advice.

-He spends a lot of time talking about how wonderful he is, and how wonderful his friends(some are people he has met at bars and party's throughout the years) -Looks, youth, money, and power are the most important qualities, or what he is impressed with in people, and assume that's what we all look for.

Blows his money, but cheap as hell (if that makes sense)
No budgeting skills or planning for the future

-When we have a prior engagement we/he will be late (however he is much better than he use to be) -When it comes to a certain friend he never informs me they are hanging out. I just want here from him, until the next day. When this happens I know who he is with. Why does he do this? I have never told him who he can or can not hangout with. He also didn't introduce me to this friend for a very long time. It's almost like he doesn't want us to get to know each other very well. Why? I know they do coke together. He is a wealthy friend of his, and this guy usually takes him to do cool stuff or to nice restaurants. But, the guy has a bad reputation and is known to be a weird guy. I like him OK. I don't quite understand, this is my biggest mystery. -He hangs on to negative things from the past(Childhood, ex-wife) -Very self absorbed -Easily stressed and irritated -He gets his feeling hurt real easy by often reading the situation wrong. -when I say something about his cocaine use, he brings up me drinking. -Doesn't consider others feelings -When I am pissed at him, he ends up being mad at me. -Twitches

always blowing his nose
sweats when he sleeps

-dark circles under his eyes This is when he is not doing coke, I would have a whole different list when he is doing it. Sorry, I have written a book. After writing all this, I feel like I am a big dumb ass. Or a awesome person for putting up with this crap for as long as I have. In all honesty, he has a good heart, there are good things as well. He is great at cooking and letting me scratch his back. Lol!!! I have to laugh to keep from crying right now.

OP posts:

Eastpoint · 24/02/2015 05:46

Are you younger than him, my guess is that you are also pretty attractive. Why don't you walk away now before you waste any more time with someone who doesn't sound like he has you at the top of his priority list? Why things aren't amazing now after only a year? This is when you might be nipping off to Paris for the weekend or driving to the coast on a stormy day just for fun.

Archduke · 24/02/2015 05:57

Well, coke or no coke he sounds like a bit of an arse. Apart from eating his home cooked food and scratching his back what are you getting from this relationship?

ArcheryAnnie · 24/02/2015 05:59

Where is this relationship going? Can you really see yourself settling down with this man? He sounds like your pretth standard drug user, tbf.

Do you ever want children? What kind reliable, responsible father do you think he'd make? Do you want to live with someone who brings illegal drugs into your home?

He may have a good heart, but that's not enough. Cut hour losses, OP.

paxtecum · 24/02/2015 06:03

Love, just dump him.
Coke is his best friend.

BTW I wasted 15 years of my life doing coke every weekend and more.

He falls asleep because he hasn't slept from Thursday night until the coke has gone.

Seriously, get him out of your life.

freelanceconundrum · 24/02/2015 06:09

He is an addict. You won't fix him. He will get worse.

Clemfandangogogo · 24/02/2015 06:11

He sounds like he's taking a lot of coke. He also doesn't sound like he values your relationship. I'd end things and move on with your life!

Killasandra · 24/02/2015 06:13

Walk away. No run.

I'm sorry, you are not awesome for putting up with him. You are just lying to yourself.

This is not someone who is going to look after you and take care if you and be your best friend.

Get out now.

Timetoask · 24/02/2015 06:14

Not long term relationship material. Certainly wouldn't decide to have children with a drug user. One year wasted, but don't make it too.

Weebirdie · 24/02/2015 06:18

You are better than this situation.

Flambola · 24/02/2015 06:23

Cokeheads are bores. Blowing his money, thinking he's the tits, self-absorbed, sleeping, unmotivated - your average cokehead. Sounds like you get fuck-all from this relationship.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 24/02/2015 06:39

What Flambola said.

I am guessing you are probably one of those women who is almost half his age, and yet you sound like the grown up, him like the eternal child. I think you've already worked it all out for yourself, so now all you need to do is detach yourself. I think you know it makes sense.

GirlDownUnder · 24/02/2015 06:42

Do you think if he stopped doing the coke, he'd suddenly become a well rounded, emotionally available human being?

I'm doubtful, cos coke made me a boring tit, but it didn't make me an arsehat.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 24/02/2015 06:48

You'd be mad to stay with him. He sounds pathetic.

Ouchbloodyouch · 24/02/2015 06:50

He's not even at the stage where he WANTS to stop. (Stopping is another issue altogether) you potentially have years of this.
Its very easy for us to say leave him but you do have to consider your future. This behaviour isn't going to go away. He's an addict.
Hes also an arsehat as girl says..

AnyFucker · 24/02/2015 06:50

he sounds utterly tedious

Glastokitty · 24/02/2015 06:56

He sounds like a bell end. Long term coke users are bloody boring, and he sounds like a Grade A example.

GoatsDoRoam · 24/02/2015 07:01

Why would you want to be in a partnership with someone who is not there for you when you need them?

If the support is not mutual, then bin.
Being alone is better than being consistently let down by another person.

Pensionerpeep · 24/02/2015 07:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/02/2015 07:04

You cannot rescue and or save him. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

If you have rescuer and or saving tendencies these need to be addressed now by you and properly. You may also be co-dependent and you have put him first at great cost to your own self worth and self esteem.

He will not change, only you can change how you react to him. He needs to be dumped by you pronto and you need to work out for yourself why it was that you have spent any time with him at all.

maras2 · 24/02/2015 07:05

Good Lord.What are you doing with this waste of space,deluded,loser junkie? Get rid ASAP.

tumbletumble · 24/02/2015 07:08

What do you think, Lasvegas? Now you've written all that down, do you think he sounds like good LTR material? A year isn't long. I think you should chalk this one up to experience and move on.

NorksAreMessy · 24/02/2015 07:10

WHy would you want to be second in his life?

Vivacia · 24/02/2015 07:22

Hell, why do you set the bar so low?

CuttedUpPear · 24/02/2015 07:43

Aw love. Everyone who has posted here is right.
I used to go out with one of those, too. Utterly in love with himself only.

Walk away with your head held high while you are still young.

tribpot · 24/02/2015 07:51

He sounds awful, and his circle of friends highly toxic (both literally and metaphorically).

Does your drinking, which he equates to his drug use, affect your life in a similar way? I'm guessing almost certainly not. He has a drug problem - it has taken over his life and his relationships.

There appears to be no prospect of his drug use changing for you to establish whether his behaviour would change for the better as a result (unlikely giving how deluded he clearly is about why his friends like him). So this is the boyfriend he is always going to be. Why on earth would you waste your time?

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