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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Amicable split... this would be so much easier of I hated him :(

29 replies

shitebag · 23/02/2015 22:42

Okay I know it probably wouldn't but right now its just bloody hard!

After a lot of drawn out crap we've decided we just don't want the same things (actually he's decided this tbh) anymore so after 14 years, 2 kids and only 5 months of marriage ( Blush ) we've called it a day.

I'm not "in love" with him but I do love him and I'm gutted that there won't be an 'us' anymore and my kids won't have the relationship with their dad that I wanted them to have and I'm heartbroken that the guy I've spent half my life with, my best friend will be 300 miles away.

BUT if I'm honest with myself things haven't been good for a while and I guess I hoped him proposing and us getting married would bring us back together again but instead its brought out a side of him I never wanted to see.

I just wish things could be fixed but neither of us can see a way forward so that's it.

I'm fucking hurting though :(

OP posts:
SoHHKB · 23/02/2015 22:50

Make a list of all the things that didn't suit you in the relationship. Not nasty things about him personally but just things that were difficult. (My recent ex had really awkward working hours that I no longer have to tiptoe live around). Keep it on your phone or somewhere you can look at it everyday, especially when you are feeling slightly nostalgic.

Original poster
shitebag · 23/02/2015 22:57

To be honest he has a lot of shitty traits (as do I) that won't miss but I've just learnt to live with them and he's the only person I've ever had a relationship which I'm struggling to deal with too

Realistically I know I'm better off out of it but my heart/stupid sentimental, over emotional brain can't quite process this!

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 23/02/2015 23:02

It takes time, what you have with him is familiar and safe so it is only natural that you are scared of giving it up

I think when you have children together you also build this image of a perfect family and you are not having to come to terms with the fact that it is never going to be how you envisaged

I know it is trite, but take it one day at a time, don't think too far ahead, just give yourself some time and you may be surprised by how good you feel

SoHHKB · 23/02/2015 23:04

You are allowed to be sad - it's a sad time. Feels like the rug has been pulled from under you Sad
But make that list of shitty traits, as you put it, and maybe another of how you're better off now, and keep reading them and adding to them and every day you'll feel a little bit better about not being there anymore...
You will feel better BrewCakeFlowers

Original poster
shitebag · 23/02/2015 23:09

I know what you're both saying is true.

Thank you.

Just need the pain to give over and the tears to stop then I can rebuild my life, we'll be fine. It'll just be different.

OP posts:
Original poster
shitebag · 24/02/2015 13:01

So. Today we tell DS when he gets home from school and DH should be leaving tomorrow.

I'm really struggling to hold myself together today, seem to have spent half the day in tears whilst DH just wanders round doing what he has to do.

Feel like my worlds falling apart :(

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/02/2015 15:05

If he's the one deciding you don't want the same things and you still love him and want to rebuild something, haven't you actually been dumped?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/02/2015 15:05

Who is moving 300 miles and why?

Weebirdie · 24/02/2015 17:00

OP are you the poster who had another thread about this a few weeks ago.

Flowers
qumquat · 24/02/2015 18:43

I'm in a similar situation shitebag it's not working but we can't imagine life without each other. We both just cry all the time. I've never had another relationship either. No words of advice I'm afraid I'm a mess.

Does he really have to move 300 miles? What about his job? Surely it would make more sense for him to stay near to DS?

Original poster
shitebag · 24/02/2015 19:51

DH is gone, I'm holding it together till bedtime, then I plan to fall apart in a huge sobbing heap before picking myself up again :(

Cogito, I guess so. He's not happy here, we can't afford to go elsewhere so he's decided his hometown to live with relatives is the best option for him.

He's adamant he loves me, wants to be with me and he loves his children but to me hes just making excuses and trying not to admit that he doesn't want to be with me which is fine, i wish he'd be honest but I'm gutted for the kids.

DS has asked of he can give Dad a penny to put in the town wishing well to make him happy again so he'd stay :( DD is too young to notice.

Qumquat he has been signed off work with depression and his thought processes are seriously screwed up so he's quitting his job and happy to move to hometown and see DC's once a month... Arsehole.

I'm sorry you're in a similar situation, its bloody terrifying and its ripping me a part but in the long run I know I'll be better off.

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 24/02/2015 20:11

As difficult as it is you need to focus on Dcs and getting through each day, get busy, build a life, it will be exhausting but it is the only way forward

He sounds as if he is being a selfish arse, if he wants to leave you and Dcs then so be it. I think you need some time and space to figure out what you want, just now you are hurt because he is the one doing the leaving but you may feel a sense of relief once that initial pain has passed

Original poster
shitebag · 24/02/2015 22:55

Thanks Christina, I know, its hard but I'm really trying to focus on the kids and myself but I just keep worrying how DH is because he did speak about being suicidal a few weeks ago and I'm terrified that his 'happy life' could be the thing that tips him over the edge.

But yes a lot of it is probably a bruised ego on my part, just wish he'd say that he doesn't love me anymore then I could stop clinging to every little shred of chance that we can be happy together and he can get over this :(

OP posts:
Original poster
shitebag · 25/02/2015 07:13

Spent most of the night flitting between sobbing and throwing up, just wish I could sort myself out but stomachs churning constantly.

OP posts:
ChipDip · 25/02/2015 07:33

Sending you a hug op. Have a cup of tea. It's still very early days and lots of emotions to go through. How is your DS today. Was so Sad to hear about the penny. Take your time to process everything. You know that separating is ultimately the best thing for your family.

Original poster
shitebag · 25/02/2015 08:36

Well he stayed with a friend last night and is leaving town tomorrow as he had to wait for payday. Wanted to take DS to school today so came and collected him and sure enough DS appeared with a penny to put in the wishing well, a pencil and sharpener and a single piece of A4 paper so he could write him a letter from Granny's. Then he asked me to buy a lottery ticket today so that we could win the lottery and give his Dad some money to make him happy.

My poor, sensitive little lad has somehow came to the conclusion that his Dad is leaving him because we don't have enough money :(

DS is a very sensitive little person but he's not great at showing his emotions, right now though his actions are speaking way louder than any words could.

I know DH needs to leave but I wish he was going to be closer.

Whilst I couldn't sleep last night I spent the time packing his suitcase which seemed to shock DH for some reason Hmm

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 25/02/2015 08:39
Flowers

How are you today?

Christinayang1 · 25/02/2015 08:39

Sorry just saw post, poor Ds...is there no way DH can be nearer so he can still see kids...seems drastic going 300 miles away

Original poster
shitebag · 25/02/2015 08:40

God I sound like the depressed one. I'm not very good with words, just need to vent Blush

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 25/02/2015 08:43

Are things beyond marriage counseling?

ToYouToMe · 25/02/2015 08:47

DS appeared with a penny to put in the wishing well, a pencil and sharpener and a single piece of A4 paper so he could write him a letter from Granny's. Then he asked me to buy a lottery ticket today so that we could win the lottery and give his Dad some money to make him happy

Saddest thing I've read in a while. Stay strong OP.

Original poster
shitebag · 25/02/2015 10:17

Christina tbh I think for DH's sake he does need to go, his depression seems to be quite bad and he's on meds that don't appear to have kicked in so his heads all over the place. He's not up for counselling of any sort but maybe some time away will bring things into perspective, I don't know for now though I need to stop focussing on him and be selfish for the kids.

Time will tell I guess.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/02/2015 10:26

I think you have to leave your DH to get on with his life the way he sees fit and put all your time and energy into yourself and your children. I'm sorry if he's depressed but it's his responsibility to fix, his responsibility to engage with treatment and it's totally unfair that he rejects counselling, walks out and the result is that both you and your little boy seem to think his state of mind is your responsibility. It's emphatically not.

Original poster
shitebag · 25/02/2015 12:46

I know its not Cogito but its bloody hard watching him change, whether its a permanent change or not I don't know but since this took hold of him he's been a different person altogether and tbh I'm not sure he's capable of making massive decisions about his life without his jaded view on things but you're right it is his responsibility. Nobody else's, I guess I just feel helpless whilst he presses the self-destruct button.

I don't know why my son is fixated on making him happy, his way of coping I suppose but I'm in no way encouraging this to be clear.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/02/2015 13:16

Of course it's hard and I don't suppose he is in the right situation to be making big life-changing decisions that also involve making your and DS's lives change massively at the same time. But that's the hand you've been dealt and there's nothing whatsoever you can do to influence his decision. The things you can change will be all to do with yourself and DS.... that's where to put your energies.

Children are dependent on parents but often also feel very responsible for their happiness and very frustrated when they can't help. That's why it'll probably end up being a good thing that he's not around being miserable and making you miserable. I'm sure you've not encouraged DS to believe that he's responsible for either of you. Keep stressing to him how happy he makes you and what a great kid he is. Hopefully, your DH has the good sense to do the same.

If your DH gets to wherever it is he's going, gets therapy, and has a change of heart then things might be repairable. But, for now, I think you have to take it on face value, assume that you're flying solo, and start rebuilding your life and your confidence.