Please help - going no contact with ex, dd is 6

[Notnastypasty]

I really could do with some help and advice on this as I'm getting desperate.

Been separated for a year, ex had an affair and left for ow, they're still together. DD is 6 and doesn't know about ow. A year has passed and people often comment on how strong I've been but it still feels raw and I'm still trying to move on and get over the hurt he caused.

My own parents are divorced and I am gutted that dd is now going through the same, I wanted to make it as easy as possible for her and as such feel I have 'over-accommodated' him so that she is happy. I've pushed my own feelings aside but don't feel that I can any longer.

For example he comes here to visit her one evening a week, quite often she'll want to show us both something so we'll both be there for 15 minutes before I leave them to it. On weekend drop offs he'll come in and hang about for 10 mins or so with her and he often sends texts to her via my phone. We go to parents evening and school concerts together and sometimes text about what she's doing.

This is exactly what I want my coparenting relationship to look like but in reality I don't think I can carry on for the foreseeable future. We never argued when we were together but now something seems to blow up every couple of weeks and leads to me getting upset and feeling back at square one with his total disregard to my feelings.

Would it be selfish of me to say I want minimal contact for 6 months and then see where I am with it? I so want us to be friends for dd but not sure I'm in the right place emotionally to cope with it. I feel so torn. I feel I need to put the brakes on but don't want her to suffer as she likes us being there for her together and him being in the house. He's just caused so much pain and I need time to move on without him in my space.

I'm sure she'll be fine. Better than having two parents fighting, isn't it?
Would he take it well if you explained it to him in the way you have above? How would you do hand-overs?
You never have to be 'friends' with him, but you can be polite going forward after the 6 months.

It might even be less confusing for her if you put the brakes on all the togetherness. It's not selfish to want your own space and would be much better for her in the long run if this helps you to have a less conflicted coparenting relationship.

It is not selfish. Its normal. You don't need to be friends. You just need to be civil at events you need to attend together.

Can he move his contact to somewhere else, so he isn't in your house? I think that might be the first thing that will make it all feel much more separate.

My DD1 is 6 and she is with her dad two nights a week. She doesn't remember us being together, I don't know how much of a difference that makes, but we are very much separate, with minimal contact at handovers and school events.

You're going to be hurting, it's still early days. You don't need to be friends with him. You just need to be civil at handovers,

Not selfish at all.

As above, can you work it so that he doesn't have to come inside your home? Maybe you drop her off somewhere to see him so you're in control of leaving immediately?

And maybe set up an email address for all (non urgent) contact?

You are evidently doing everything you can for your child but your own emotions need looking after too.

Good luck

Thanks for the replies. I text him late last night saying I think we should have minimal contact and he's here now this morning - his response was 'that's pretty much how things are anyway so nothing's changing really'. I don't feel like we have minimal contact!

He's off on holiday for almost 3 weeks so maybe I'll see how much better I feel without him around and take it from there.

It still feels like early days to me but according to him a year has passed and I should be over it.

you really need to stop him coming into your home. He can pick up and take away. Your home is your sanctuary and there is no need for him to be in it.

You need to spell out to him exactly how it's going to work then....he may try to bulldozer over your wishes if you don't. Have you worked out how to do it?

You really need far better boundaries. No way should he have access at your home.

It isn't your responsibility to provide a suitable venue for his access, that's up to him. Tell him DD will be ready and waiting for him and that it won't affect how often he sees DD, but this is the new situation.

It's all very well him telling you to get over how things have changed - not much has changed for him has it if he can still come in and play happy families. It's about time he had to make some adjustments isn't it?

I've got a child the same age. We are on doorsteps only.
She is oblivious to it.
Why doesn't he see her in his own home?

"you should be over it"

Wtf?!

It is not for him to tell you how you should feel.

Grrrr!

Er yes, something will be changing!

It appears you need to tell him what 'minimal contact' means. He needs to have contact with DD which is not in your home. littleleftie has got it spot-on. You do not need to provide the venue for his contact wiht her... you need to restrict handovers either to the doorstep or in a neutral place from which you can leave once you have done the handover. Your home should be your sanctuary. He has no business there any more.

Don't let him pass judgement on whether you are 'over it' or not. Where is he getting his information, and why is there an opportunity for him to give you this unsolicited advice. Don't share your feelings with him, just change your routine and the way you do things, and don't share your feelings with him. Actions are better here.

Sounds like you are doing great btw and being very grown-up, but build higher walls and protect your own feelings a bit more. Him coming back into the house only hurts you - and why should you suffer? Your DD will accept the new arrangements and you will be happier. I suspect your ex has had it rather easy from now on - you need to take charge a bit more on how things are going to be from now on.

sorry - had it easy up till now!

Thanks again for the replies. Even after the text last night where I outlined minimal contact he appeared at my bedroom door to ask me if I was going to work this morning!

He doesn't have dd at his place because he lives with the ow and dd doesn't know about her yet, she thinks he lives with his parents. Generally, contact takes place at his parents house but sometimes she wants to stay here and I feel reluctant to push her out of her home, especially at 6pm on a weekday evening when she's tired, just because of him.

It's things like this that stop me putting minimal contact in place. Dd likes him to come in so she can show him stuff and I don't know how to stop it! A part of me wants to but then I think I'm being selfish and should put my feelings aside for the sake of DD.

I know I am over sensitive to things he says sometimes because of all the hurt he's caused in the past but he has a way of always making me seem unreasonable. I haven't seen his parents since last summer when I found out they'd been lying for him, pretending to me that he was living there with them and they'd met the ow too. I was so hurt and just can't deal with being around them but I still text to say thank you for dd's gifts, etc and am friends on fb so they can still see photos of dd. But apparently the fact that I wont go round for a cup of tea is silly and I should be over that by now - in his words 'well when will you be ready to see them again'? I Didn't know I ever had to!!

I so want to be 'over it' like he is and be able to be friendly with him for dd but I'm not sure how to get to that point.

Oh ffs (at him, not you)

You may well "get over it" but it doesn't mean you want him in your house, or yet be pals with his (lying) parents

Yet = to

Can I ask why your DD doesn't know about the ow after a year?

I mean, she doesn't need to know she is the ow, just that daddy has a new girlfriend now, and this is his new house. I can understand that you think you are protecting her by not saying, but in reality all you are doing is keeping her in a limbo state. Do you not see how much hope she must still have that you two will get back together with all the time he spends in your house?

The key to you being able to reach the point you want to, is by everyone in the situation facing up to the fact that this is permanent, and your ex is as entitled to have his DD to his house for contact, as you are to stop him being in your house. I get the feeling from your posts that a tiny part of you still wants him coming round or popping in, because that's easier than facing up to the reality that he isn't coming back.

OP - when are you going to stop contact in your home? You have to do this. Him walking into your bedroom is so out of order. You need to stand up for yourself. Her seeing you together in her own home is not good at all.

I agree that it's time to start things as they need to go on.

That means Dd having contact at XH's house and meeting ow.

Making it clear to XH that you are no longer the DIL and will not be socialising with any of his family ever again, unless they are invited to an event for Dd, when you will be polite.

XH is no longer welcome in your home, if dd invites him in, he is to say, "I can't come in now" and you can suggest she takes whatever it is with her to show him next time (if feasible)

All texts and talking will only be about dd and only if relevant.

Have a summit meeting. Dd being lied to is not a long term solution, and it's so intrusive having him in your home.

You need to forget about being friends and try to be work colleagues instead. They can become friends, but it's not necessary for you to be close to be able to work effectively together.

Apell it out exactly what you want. Change the locks.

it's okay to gently say to your daughter that Daddy kissed another woman a lot too much and you can't do that if you are living with someone already. So he can't stay here any more and can't come in. There doesn't need to be blame; it's simply a matter of simple communication. You can gently tell her that if she wants him to see things she can take them with her when she sees him. It's hard on her, but that's what happens when someone else fucks up - her father. She pays the price :s

There always has to be a balance between your children's needs and your own, but it is NOT selfish to protect yourself. The selfish one is the one who cheats without considering or caring about the consequences for his partner and child. Now that's selfish.

Dd doesn't know about OW for a number of reasons. She is very against daddy having a girlfriend and while I know she has to get on with it eventually, I think it's been good that she's had a year to come to terms with the separation without new partners being involved. She absolutely knows that we will never get back together and only asked her dad last week if he would ever come back and live with us and he told her no, as did I. It's difficult for her as we never argued and were a very happy family - I'm not sure how honest to be when she asks why? Is it too much to say because daddy wanted a girlfriend? It annoys me when he tells her its because he didn't love mummy anymore.

I think EXH is also putting off ow meeting dd because he's worried about how dd will react. And if I'm honest I'm not overjoyed at the thought of the ow and ex playing happy families with my dd so in not pushing for it to happen either.

At the very start perhaps I did like the normality of him being here but not now. Although I would never want to be with him I still like speaking to him about what dd has been doing, sharing photos, etc but I know it usually ends in an argument every couple of weeks or so.

I know I need to put my foot down and I think looking at him like a work colleague is good advice. Writing all this down has made me realise that I'm reluctant to completely detach from him as I feel like I'm detaching from an important part of dd's life :(

She absolutely knows that we will never get back together and only asked her dad last week if he would ever come back and live with us and he told her no, as did I.

You are directly contradicting yourself in the same sentence. She doesn't "absolutely know",if she did she wouldn't have asked that only a week ago.

Is it too much to say because daddy wanted a girlfriend? It annoys me when he tells her its because he didn't love mummy anymore.

Yes it is too much. It is not fair on her to place blame on either party. You say something very neutral about how sometimes mummies and daddies just don't want to be together any more.

I understand how difficult it is to imagine your DD spending time with the ow. My ex has a partner and I can't stand her. She wasn't an ow though, so I get that adds extra resentment there. But you are making this more difficult for your DD in the long run, and you are prolonging it for her. You know you are split, he knows it too. But your DD doesn't, not deep down.

She is very against daddy having a girlfriend

No. Just no. She isn't against him having a girlfriend. She is scared of situations she hasn't yet experienced and has no idea how to cope with.

I am afraid it sounds to me that you are projecting your feelings regarding his cheating and the relationship onto your 6 year old. You are her parents, it is up to you both to show her how to cope with difficult situations. So far, the both of you have just confused her further because of your inability to make a completely clean break. He is doing the same when he brings his family in to it.

I agree that there is no reason at all for Dd to know why you split up. It won't help her, it won't convince her that he is at fault and that you are the victim, it will just confuse her. When she's grown up and if she asks, then you can explain.

Unfortunately it's all about what's best for her. The standard line of "mummy and daddy don't want to be together anymore, but we still love you! It's a different type of love and we will always love you." Is reassuring.

It's great that she's had a year to get used to it, but there is no perfect time.

You really do need to emotionally move on. It's hard. But whilst she will develop a relationship with XH's girlfriend, you will always be her mum. That's not something that can be taken away. It'll be a different relationship she has with other people. Yours is safe.

The arguments and bickering are going to wear you down and aren't good for dd to hear. It's time to let him go. Let's face it, a cheating loser really isn't a great catch. You deserve someone decent :) let ow have him.

Well, the next time you are accused of being unreasonable, you can look puzzled and say

'You chose to have an affair, and then move your new partner in with you immediately. I have been accommodating the fallout from that by enduring contact in my own home ever since, which I don't want. I've come to the end of the road with that. But apparently that's unreasonable. Before you have a go at me, could you explain to me at what point in your decisions over the last year YOU'VE made the choice to put DD first? I could suggest, for example, if YOU are worried about DD's reaction to the fact that you have a girlfriend, you could live apart from her. But you wouldn't be prepared to do that for DD. We are where we are because you've put yourself above your child's happiness. Never forget that.

And don't get into the habit of telling people how they should feel about something you have no experience of. Especially when it's a trauma you've caused. I'm not 'over' having my family destroyed, no. I won't be 'getting back' to any inlaw relationship with your parents, because you and they destroyed that. You're damn lucky, in fact, that things have gone as well as they have. Do you know WHY they've gone so well? Because unlike you, I love DD more than I love myself and I've put her feelings first.

I believe with all my heart that DD has only one good parent. Never forget that either.'