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Original poster

New partner staying the night?

36 replies

quabblequebble · 22/02/2015 11:11

Looking for some advice on this.

Have been in a relationship for coming up for a year. We both have DC, his younger than mine. He's stayed over at mine regularly when my DC are here for the last few months - but although I've met his DC many times now I've not stayed over when they're there. Reason is that both DC always go to my partners bed when they wake up either during the night or first thing in the morning.

He thinks they'd be upset and/or confused if I was there and they couldn't do it, and he doesn't want to be having tears etc in the middle of the night.

I do understand his concerns, just wondering if anyone else has been in this position and how you dealt with it over time? I know they won't always do this but as the youngest is 5, I suspect it might go on for a while. As we start to spend more time as a group there will be times when it would be easier if I could stay over, not least because I live over an hour away.

OP posts:
Rollercola · 22/02/2015 12:20

I've been with my new partner for about 15mths and last night was only the second time he'd stayed overnight at mine while they were here. And he slept on the sofa Smile

My dcs are 12 & 8 and it just doesn't feel right to have him share my bed while they're here. My youngest often gets in with me and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable about doing anything in his own house.

We still live in the same house that we all lived in together with exh who only left 18mths ago so it's still fairly fresh in their minds and I don't want to force too much change on them.

I wouldn't push it, your partner is obviously thinking of his kids and how they feel. Give it time.

Original poster
quabblequebble · 22/02/2015 13:05

I suppose I feel that as we're in a relationship (the DC know I'm their dad's girlfriend, not just a 'friend') it seems natural that they see me spending the night. This is a serious relationship, we're intending to live together and then marry over the next couple of years. I'm just not sure how that fits with us not sharing a bed. If his DC still want to get in with him when we're living together I guess I'll be sleeping in the spare room on the nights they stay over.

Practically it would be easier especially with summer coming and days out, i can't get to their house til midday at weekends,so it makes it difficult to plan whole days out, we can only really do afternoons.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 22/02/2015 13:13

Are you sure that this is the relationship for you?

itwillgetbettersoon · 22/02/2015 13:13

I understand your partners position. My two are 10 and 12 and the youngest still gets into bed with me in the morning for a quick cuddle and I really don't want to stop it until he does. These cuddles are so precious and don't last for long. You could sleep in the spare room until children get use to seeing you in the morning.

Original poster
quabblequebble · 22/02/2015 13:18

There's no spare bedroom at his house, there is one at mine, although as and when his DC stay here it would be their room so no longer spare! When I said spare room I was thinking more of when we get a house together.

As for it not being the relationship for me, that's a weird comment. This has been my only concern in nearly a year together.

OP posts:
Original poster
quabblequebble · 22/02/2015 13:21

I should add my dc both come into my room for a chat in the evenings or in the morning when we'll be in bed watching tv, my partner being there doesn't faze them at all, in fact sometimes they come in to talk to him not me Smile

That said they are early teens so a fair bit older.

OP posts:
AliceinWinterWonderland · 22/02/2015 14:27

I think you need to let him decide when it is time. If he is not ready to do that yet, then he is not ready. His children, his decision. You have two choices - go along with his decision or leave the relationship.

Rollercola · 22/02/2015 15:45

I agree, you really need to let your partner decide. What's ok for you and your children may not be ok for him and his. If my partner started pushing for this I'd be reassessing the relationship as it would mean he didn't understand my relationship with my kids.

As it is he's fine, he knows they come first to me at this age and respects this completely.

Original poster
quabblequebble · 23/02/2015 08:34

I'm not pushing anything. I'm just trying to square me not staying at his house for some tome to come, with his plan that we get a place together in the next year, and then marry a while later. Either that's not going to happen, or he's going to have to rethink things re his DC. Or I'm relegated to any future spare room we might have.

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 23/02/2015 08:42

Why does he think you being there means that they can't come in?
My ds2 (9) still comes in for a cuddle in the morning regardless of DP being here too.

Delphine31 · 23/02/2015 08:48

I wonder if he and his kids were to stay over at your place they could see that you share a bed there and get used to the idea?

Original poster
quabblequebble · 23/02/2015 08:58

He said he thinks they'll be upset if they see me in his bed? And also feels they'd been uncomfortable with getting in the bed with me there.

I could suggest them staying at mine, but I don't know whether his concerns would be the same. I know when they've stayed at friends houses the DC have still got into his bed first thing.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 23/02/2015 09:05

Have you talked about what's going to happen when you get a place together?

Chasingsquirrels · 23/02/2015 09:51

Have you suggested trying it to see if they are upset? If they are, well you deal with it that once and try to work through solutions for the future. If they aren't then this particular issue isn't a problem.

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 23/02/2015 09:57

I think it is a bit of a problem you not staying over after a year, if its a serious relationship. How are you supposed to keep the relationship going if you can't even stay over at night?

Original poster
quabblequebble · 23/02/2015 10:13

I do stay over at his regularly when his DC aren't there, just never when they are.

Re me staying at his, I did say could we try it and see if they were upset (and if so I'd get up and nap on the sofa or something) but he doesn't want to take the risk of tears etc in the middle of the night.

I haven't asked about staying at mine with them but I think his response might well be the same.

OP posts:
Hmmm2014 · 23/02/2015 10:19

OP, I get your concern.

I too have a DP who doesn't live with us. He stays here often, and my youngest (8) regularly comes in first thing in the morning for a cuddle. He comes in whether DP is here or not, and chats to whoever is there. The only thing I ask him to do is to knock before he comes in. I wonder if your DP is worrying about something that may not be an issue at all.

If you move in together, I think it would give out a very odd message that you get relegated to the spare room whenever they are there in case they wake up in the night or want to come in first thing in the morning. Which relationship is the primary one in that scenario?

I would suggest talking to your DP again.

Lucylloyd13 · 23/02/2015 10:36

The key is your childrens' relationship with both of you. if they see you as solid , loving and reliable, the bed isn't a problem. They tend to like lying between you touching both!

whothehellknows · 23/02/2015 10:47

I think he first needs to talk to them about it and see what they think. They can tell him if they have worries or concerns about it, and you can tackle them from there.

Enb76 · 23/02/2015 10:54

Can he not explain to his children?

Ok, so maybe when he's ready but if he says "quabble is staying over for the night so when you come into the room, remember she'll be there too" I can't see that the children will be upset. Of course they would be if they have no idea and you're suddenly there

I don't see why you being there will force him to stop having his children coming in either. It's unlikely you'll be at it like rabbits when they're about and you're hardly going to turn evil overnight.

I am coming at this from my ex having a g/f that now lives with him.

Jackieharris · 23/02/2015 10:58

If your are going to be moving in together and getting married (having more DCs?) in the next 1-2 years this doesn't seem to fit with the distance he is keeping between you and his dc's.

Are you going to be a family?

I think this might make more sense if the beeakup with his ex is recent or if they are not amicable and she wouldn't be happy with him having a DP there when her DCs are.

Original poster
quabblequebble · 23/02/2015 12:47

The break up was nearly a year before we met, so coming up for 2 years now. It's not really amicable, I've not met or spoken to her though she knows I exist. I don't know whether she would have any concerns about me staying over, but I'm not sure that would bother my partner tbh, he'd give more weight to not upsetting the children than her views.

I think in terms of asking them to knock, reminding I'm there etc, his concern is more of they're tired and sleepy they won't remember and will just have a crying meltdown if the situation is not what they expect. I don't think they'd be able to express worries or concerns if they had any, they're a little too young.

Am thinking I'll just have to give it time. But I'm not sure we can move in together until it's resolved.

OP posts:
Handywoman · 23/02/2015 13:06

I think your dp is being over-cautious (although of course he has the absolute right to decide how this is managed with his dc) and doesn't really tie-in with the plans you have, for the pretty near future.

Kids are adaptable and pretty self-centred (which they absolutely should be!!) My 9yo is about to turn 10yo and I explained in advance that 'tonight/tomorrow when you come in X will be in bed but you can always come in just like normal, and have a cuddle' and although she was slightly worried the first time, in the event, she did not bat an eyelid. She comes in, cuddles, chats to us both. It's no biggie (and she has ASD so there were potential pitfalls there).

It's all about how it's managed. You can change things and still be very mindful of the kids' needs, adapting as necessary.

Is your OH perhaps more worried about the kids thinking about him as a sexual being, with a person who is not his mum? Is he embarrassed about pushing a sexual relationship in their faces? I wonder if the issue is more along these lines??

Original poster
quabblequebble · 23/02/2015 13:20

I don't think that in the middle of the night they'd remember a conversation like that...which is his concern. We do kiss and hug in front of the DC which they don't have a problem with. They're young enough that I don't think they have any idea of what a sexual relationship is really.

OP posts:
Hmmm2014 · 23/02/2015 15:06

The more you say, the more I think he's worrying about something that is probably a total non-issue. He may of course make it into an issue when it needn't be....

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