New partner staying the night?

[quabblequebble]

Looking for some advice on this.

Have been in a relationship for coming up for a year. We both have DC, his younger than mine. He's stayed over at mine regularly when my DC are here for the last few months - but although I've met his DC many times now I've not stayed over when they're there. Reason is that both DC always go to my partners bed when they wake up either during the night or first thing in the morning.

He thinks they'd be upset and/or confused if I was there and they couldn't do it, and he doesn't want to be having tears etc in the middle of the night.

I do understand his concerns, just wondering if anyone else has been in this position and how you dealt with it over time? I know they won't always do this but as the youngest is 5, I suspect it might go on for a while. As we start to spend more time as a group there will be times when it would be easier if I could stay over, not least because I live over an hour away.

I think that he's making too big a deal of it.

When my husband and I started staying over we had already spent a lot of time with his son, lots of all sitting together on the sofa watching films etc. his son was comfortable with me. The first time DSS came in during the night I woke up and OH didn't. I just said "Hi DSS" and nudged OH awake. He used to get in bed with us in the mornings, initially with his dad in the middle and eventually between us. We never made an issue out of it, he was just welcomed in as he was when it was just his dad alone, and never had a problem with it. He still comes now he's 17, only he sits on the foot of the bed and sometimes even brings cups of coffee for us.

Honeyroar that's really sweet!

Quabble I too think your DP might be over-thinking this and worrying unnecessarily. Which is good in its own way because it shows he is a loving and concerned father. And if he only has them at weekends perhaps too he cherishes that special "just me and the kids" time?

If it's the nighttime gettings up which he's more concerned with, can you make changes to the sleeping routine and see if that works? EG he sleeps on the side of the bed by the door, leave the door open, leave a nightlight on. Make sure that you are already there when the kids go to bed and say "see you in the morning!" so they will remember at normal cuddle-time...etc.

I think it is one of those you have to try and see what happens. either way you can't move in together, realistically, until this is resolved.

I'm a bit at your partner to be honest. Are the children prone to middle of the night tears? I can understand if it was a rotation of strange women which would be bang out of order but a serious comitted relationship? He sounds a bit precious!

I'd be interested where your dp has got this idea from that the dc are going to be upset at seeing you in his bed given they already know you, and know you're in a relationship.

Can I ask, what were the circumstances of his split from his ex? is it possible he is still carrying some guilt over that and the fact that they are no longer together as a family?

I would say not allowing you to stay over with his kids after more than a year based purely on some kind of supposition of tears that haven't yet happened is unreasonable, and I would be questioning whether you have a future.

They've got upset before if they wake up and nightlight isn't on or the door's shut, they're a bit sleepy and easily disorientated.

He does feel guilt over the split though it wasn't his decision.

I think you misunderstand what I meant about a sexual relationship. I mean, is your OH uncomfortable about sleeping together in their presence? I get the feeling it's an issue with your OH, emotionally, like he can't quite get comfortable with this being the setup. Or that you being in bed is more of a 'sexual' situation for the kids, which he wants them shielded from' because it's awkward or not straight out of the pages of 'Biff and Chip'?

Am not explaining myself very well, sorry!

And if you do end up living together and he doesn't want to share a bed when they are there, make sure it's HIM who sleeps in the spare room, not you.

All of our kids - 2 each still like to get in bed with us, but there isnt room for 6 in 140cms of bed, so they lie on top of us as well.
When his kids get into bed with us they tend to lie on his side, particularly in the middle of the night, same with mine if its middle of the night they get in my side.
Otherwise morning cuddles are more of a mass heap and they all like having cuddles from all of us.
Ages 6, 9, 9, 10
Its only a big deal if he makes it a big deal.

Well it's also a big deal if they get upset about it. As I've said they are easily upset at night by things...seeing me in the bed when they don't expect it could well spark tears.

If I see them on a day which isn't our normal day together, they do ask me why I'm there...not in a nasty way though. They are quite used to routine.

I don't think that it IS a big deal if (any who knows if it would happen anyway) they got upset at finding you there in the night (obviously not unexpectedly as you would both let them know before hand that it is happening, as others have posted).

What could make it a big deal would be how your DP deals with it.

But - if you don't want to push him to deal with it than it will just have to stay how it is until either you get to the point that you want to push him or he changes his viewpoint.
Will accepting this is how it is at the moment start to make you resent the fact that he isn't moving it forward?

A year isn't all that long though. You stay over when the kids are not there so maybe just respect how he feels about his kids for now. He is doing what he feels is right and best for them and they are still young. I think its admirable actually that he is being so considerate with their feelings. When you do move in together then that is another matter. Maybe he thinks that then it will be normal and natural for them to see you together in bed as you have both made more of a commitment and it is hopefully permanent.