DH has told me it's over - rightly - and still not rock bottom

[Sanguis]

I gave up drinking for lent. Except the first chance I had I got drunk (my friend had to drive me home, she won't return my texts, we were at the cinema! No reason for me to drink). Drank all day yesterday even as DH was telling me I was disgusting. Slept or drank. Missed the whole day, DCs totally aware.

Last weekend was a competition for DC2, all the team's parents in one hotel, I can't write what I did because I am too ashamed but I humiliated my child in front of his teammates/humiliated myself in front of the other parents, DH says that's when he knew there was no going back.

DH - crying - said last night that he's only with me because we are out of the UK, he has applied for a transfer to go back and when we do he wants a divorce, he is scared for the DCs to have me as a mother, there is nothing left of the woman he loved.

The alcohol is my attempt to avoid life, I do know that. I have been calling and calling the one psychiatrist our health insurance will cover but no callback. I don't have a GP.

My children have worse than nothing for a mother, honestly. It's not even that I don't know what to do - I know the steps, stop drinking, seek help if I can't, see a psychiatrist, make an effort not to yell at the DCs and be pointlessly nasty, leave the bloody house sometimes.

I feel like I have done it on purpose, pushed and pushed until DH has stopped loving me, the DCs are irrevocably damaged (WHY??? Why have I done this?), and now what? What is the sick impulse? What does my brain get out of it?

Anyway now it's today and now what. I am sitting here self-loathing and self-pitying and desperately sorry but not sorry enough, clearly. And posting this - not sure why either. I love the idea of a big redemption narrative but not enough to have made the effort to achieve one.

I thought this would be rock bottom but it's clearly not. What do I think 'rock bottom' will do anyway? Magically give me willpower and impetus.

I hate myself so much. Any second now the children will be up and I will have to watch DH be unable to look at me. I've drunk most of a bottle of vodka and refilled it with water so he won't know (hah), and still can't sleep.

Lots of people on here are being incredibly supportive and kind to you. I am much less sympathetic. I have worked with countless young people who have had their lives ruined by parent(s) who abused alcohol or drugs. Either pull yourself together and make something of your life OR leave your family in peace. Your behaviour WILL BE affecting your children. Your husband sounds amazing. They all deserve a good life and for you to be sober. If you can't do that with their love and support then it sounds to me like you're not really ready for sobriety. Have you had any periods drink free? Pregnancy for example? Do you hold down a job? Have you made any serious attempts in the past to beat the drink? IME of working with addicts it sometimes takes many attempts before an addiction is kicked. Have you had any sober periods? Were any recently?

Howard, sorry to hear of your tragic story. I am sure with your support your children will recover from the loss of their mother as a result of her alcoholism. Let's all hope the OP here has the guts to change her life for her children.

I wish you the best of luck. Your children will end up hating you if you don't act now. Get in that taxi and take steps to sort yourself out. Feel sorry for your kids and how it's also going to affect them for life. Make them more important.

Why does your DH dictate what kind of Rehab you can access, ? And as well im sure hes mad and right to be, why is he sat locked in a room? Hes not just ignoring you hes ignoring your kids too

I have to confess I have not read all the replies.

But sadly I have no sympathy for you either, addiction or not you chose to continue to drink and not seek help, I am sure you have a million excuses why you can't possibly contact anyone.

Let me tell you from experience you are destroying your children and scarring them forever, I have 3 DC that are in their teens and will never recover from the humiliation, disappointment and hurt their Father has caused.

He died at 42 yrs old because of his drinking, leaving his DC with more heartache.

Do you honestly believe your DH and DC won't notice you have drunk a bottle of vodka, because you've re-filled it with water ?

For their sake if nothing else stop making excuses and get help or leave your DH to try and give your a fighting chance. You may not have reached rock bottom but they probably have

sanguis there is a thread in relationships called the Brave Babes. You will find help there. It is full of people who can relate to you and who won't judge.

Lordy, sanguis, if you want help, please go onto the DRY thread or the Brave babes thread. If you just want to be kicked about and blamed, stay here, but it won't help you, your children or your husband. Go to these other threads and get some realistic advice.

Listen to dementedma.

OP, do you WANT to stop drinking or do you just feel like you should? Be honest, because I get the impression you don't really want to stop drinking and if that is the case there is nothing anyone can do to help you.

It's very easy to tut and be judgemental. In my experience, the more people did that, the more I thought fuck it and drank more.

Those of you who have 'no sympathy', have you actually been drinkers to the extreme this lady (and me) have been? I see you have experience of living with or working with people like us and that is hard (have also worked with homeless alcoholics and drug users) but as a problem drinker, sometimes you really cannot see the pain you are causing and the damage you are doing until it's nearly too late, and when you are almost at that point and wanting help, it is actually a little more useful to hear sympathy - just for a while, and not judgement. To be honest, you hate yourself so much that being hated even more is really not going to stop your drinking. Instead it will justify your choices even more. Not saying there isn't a place for tough ness and briskness, but not on the first day!

HowardTMoon - your post was incredibly moving. I hope the OP has the strength to decide that THIS is her rock bottom.
There's a general school of thought that alcoholism is like a lift - you can decide to get off at any point. But certainly the lower you go, the harder it is to stop. So, being blunt, things are already pretty bad. Categorically things will get worse. This is a progressive disease. You know you need to stop, why not now? I feel so sad that you feel you aren't worthy of a better life. You can't just do this for your children. You can do this for you. And if you do, you won't feel like you've "given up" alcohol. You will feel, ultimately that you've gained the very best life that you can have.
Please do everything you can to get medical support if you are truly ready to change. Lucy is totally right that you need to be aware of the risks in suddenly stopping.

So, here's a question OP. Is the booze working anymore? If you're anything like me, in the beginning it was lovely, happy, social times, chilled rose in a pub garden, champagne celebrations, gorgeous. As things got worse, well, it was a brilliant anaesthetic. I could get off the world for a while, numbed. But then it just stopped working. If I didn't drink, I felt crap. If I did drink, I felt disgusting and loathsome, it certainly didn't make me happy, and it didn't numb anymore. I didn't want to drink, I didn't not want to drink. I couldn't drink, I couldn't not drink. A hellish limbo. And it strikes me, from what you've written here (and the fact you're writing) that THERE'S NOTHING IN IT FOR YOU ANYMORE. It's just stopped working. This happens; it's called tolerance. You've simply drunk too much and its lost its effect. It will never come back (I used to hope for that, in vain).

So you need to find something else. And that's called life. Sounds sappy, doesn't it? But OHMYGOD the natural highs I get from the world now are incomparable. Not even those very first teenage sips of booze come anywhere close basking in the proud smiles of my DCs and DP.

I was on the brink of losing them all, but got myself into a London clinic for a month to dry out safely, and get introduced properly to AA. Nothing else was working, certainly not the booze, so it was worth a shot. Because I was beaten. Utterly, cataclysmically f*cked. And actually in that split second of realising the horror of it all, my powerlessness, something clicked, and I began, with the help of other people (and you're asking for help here, which is a very good sign, if you are anything like as arrogant as I) to get better.

The other important thing OP is I did it for me. Not to get DP off my back. Not to make sure I didn't lose my DCs. I did it because I was less than I should and could be. I wanted to build a new identity, find a new purpose, make ME happy and proud. Because if you do it for other people, the first time someone snaps or is mean, well...

Please please get down on your knees, admit you're broke, beg someone, anyone, to get you into a clinic. Give up. Get the Big Book and start reading it, really, properly reading it. Meet some other alcoholics face to face. Their fellowship has been absolutely integral to my recovery.

It IS possible. It WILL be worth it. This hell IS escapable. But you need lots of hands pulling you out. Good luck, PM me if you want, and as others have suggested get on the specific booze boards.

Bit shocked tbh by the comments from some who claim to work in the addiction field. Drinking was a choice at the beginning. By the end, there's no choice - that's the whole point, and why it's been classified as an illness by the WHO since the 1950s. We now know about the contributing neurological factors in the limbic system and frontal lobes. Judgementalism is as unhelpful with addiction as it would be telling a depressive to pull themselves together. Gnarr!

You are at rock bottom only your vodka bottle is round your neck keeping u down u can't think like a rational human being. Being nasty to your kids and shaming them should be enough to make u get help. you are so selfish u don't care how it kids r husband is rock bottom u r just waiting to you hit rock bottom( I don't kno exactly Wat u r waiting for or how much worse u guna let it get) I feel sorry for you it's a sickness but u won't even get help for your family

My auntie was an alcoholic. She was dead aged 38. I get that this is a sickness but put your kids first and get clean before you lose them. I would hate being a child and not a good enough reason for my mum to give up drinking. Losing my auntie to alcoholism was bad and hurt like fuck it would be even worse to lose your mother this way. I hope you succeed before its too late. Good luck op

Hope you're still around and reading op.

I agree with stinkingbishop you have to do it for yourself and no-one else.

Your rock bottom is as low as you make it. Mine wasn't losing my dc or house, ending up in hospital or with a failing liver. It was the realisation that I couldn't go on feeling this way about myself. I hated myself for what I had become, felt weak, out of control, anxious all the time. I had also become a bitter and resentful person but you know what, since stopping boozing a lot of that has gone. Alcohol is a major depressant and you won't believe how much it affects your mood until you stop.

Ignore the selfish comments as you don't need this right now. Reach out to someone, anyone be it a health professional (obviously recommended if you have been drinking a lot and need managed through withdrawal), AA or even one of the lovely threads here in relationships that have been mentioned where you will find no judgement, and make the first step to an alcohol free life.

It seems scary but with the right support you can do it. Best of luck.

Well said Stinkingbishop. OP - how are you?

Rock Bottom. It always sounds as though you should be asleep in a gutter clutching a brown bag doesn't it? Mine wasn't like that either. It was actually in a posh hotel room with my darling husband after a night so shameful I knew couldn't do it anymore. It doesn't matter where it is, it's a knowledge that you must stop. I hope you're ok

Took my dad until a few days before he died to reach rock bottom. It's when they told him he couldn't have a transplant. He was 47. He has five children. He died and it was the worst thing that ever happened to us. I'm having my first child now and they'll never know their grandad and I cry all the time. I cry too because I'm so fucking JEALOUS of people who have dead parents like me but who don't have the awful memories of him drunk, of us begging him not to drink and the tiny brief and increasingly rare periods of sobriety in which that wonderful but wounded man was himself, truly, and how fiercely we loved him.

You do sound sorry, but mainly for yourself. Please get help. NOTHING is over, ended, irreversible until you are told you are going to die. Whatever he put us through we would have welcomed him and loved him still had he lived and stopped drinking. We know how hard it is as we watched him try and fail so many times. The longest he managed was with AA. This is urgent. If you need to move back to the UK.

OP, I know that you can do something about this. The alcohol doesn't have to ruin your life in this way.

Please seek help. See your GP and ask about anti-alcohol drugs. These actually make you feel ill if you have a drink, allowing you to maintain your resolve. Counselling may also help. Good luck.

My husband is an alcoholic in recovery so there's no judgement from me.

Watch Rain in my Heart on YouTube. I watched it yesterday and made my DH watch it too.

Be kind to yourself. Seek some help. Go to rehab if you can. Be the person you should be not what alcohol makes you. Try and get to AA and take one day at a time.

Good luck.

Your children will cope as long as their dad is there for them and he gets them away from you.

As for you, you keep doing it to make them leave you. Then you can drink all you like. You will find any reason possible to have a drink but not one of them is real.

Remember yourself before you drank. You got up, had breakfast, worked, got pissed off, had arguments.......lived life. You did'nt need to reach for anything then and you still don't.

Fact is, you want everyone to abandon you because you think somewhere in your head that then you will have no responsibilty and can drink yourself into the ground. And it will work.

You need to make a positive decision to live, not a cycle of broken promises to quit something. Remember yourself before your addiction and choose to live.

Another child of an alcoholic checking in here - it's been an incredibly damaging and hurtful journey for me, and I do wish that my mum had taken the decision to remove us from the situation, the way your husband seems to be doing for your children.

That said, I love my dad and have a good relationship with him now. I will never truly forgive him though, and even now the booze comes first with him. He's so loved, but he's lonely and sad, and the drink stopped being fun for him many years ago. He's still a slave to it though. Don't get like that. Do something now.

op..What's happened? are you still watching because im still thinking about you.

I really hope you can get help and beat this.

I was brought up by an alcoholic and as a result i am teetotal, i cant stand the stuff and refuse to be around anyone who is drunk (my father was a violent, abusive drunk so i suppose when i know somebody is pissed i get nervous)

I should just add he has been sober for almost 4 years now, and despite the fact my childhood was ruined by his drinking i still love him very much and am incredibly proud of him for overcoming his demons

Just saw another poster mention this so i wonder if its related, but i also have OCD and wonder if there's a connection there? Like a control issue?

Even if the AA meetings you can get to are in another language, it's likely that some attendees will speak English. They will be able to tell from looking at you exactly what your problem is and I am sure someone - probably more than one person - will make an effort to speak to you.

Psychiatry will not help you until AFTER you have stopped drinking. You stop drinking by not picking up a drink. You choose to not pick up a drink over and over - minute by minute, day by day - and eventually it gets a little easier. At that point, some counselling may be helpful.