DH has told me it's over - rightly - and still not rock bottom

[Sanguis]

I gave up drinking for lent. Except the first chance I had I got drunk (my friend had to drive me home, she won't return my texts, we were at the cinema! No reason for me to drink). Drank all day yesterday even as DH was telling me I was disgusting. Slept or drank. Missed the whole day, DCs totally aware.

Last weekend was a competition for DC2, all the team's parents in one hotel, I can't write what I did because I am too ashamed but I humiliated my child in front of his teammates/humiliated myself in front of the other parents, DH says that's when he knew there was no going back.

DH - crying - said last night that he's only with me because we are out of the UK, he has applied for a transfer to go back and when we do he wants a divorce, he is scared for the DCs to have me as a mother, there is nothing left of the woman he loved.

The alcohol is my attempt to avoid life, I do know that. I have been calling and calling the one psychiatrist our health insurance will cover but no callback. I don't have a GP.

My children have worse than nothing for a mother, honestly. It's not even that I don't know what to do - I know the steps, stop drinking, seek help if I can't, see a psychiatrist, make an effort not to yell at the DCs and be pointlessly nasty, leave the bloody house sometimes.

I feel like I have done it on purpose, pushed and pushed until DH has stopped loving me, the DCs are irrevocably damaged (WHY??? Why have I done this?), and now what? What is the sick impulse? What does my brain get out of it?

Anyway now it's today and now what. I am sitting here self-loathing and self-pitying and desperately sorry but not sorry enough, clearly. And posting this - not sure why either. I love the idea of a big redemption narrative but not enough to have made the effort to achieve one.

I thought this would be rock bottom but it's clearly not. What do I think 'rock bottom' will do anyway? Magically give me willpower and impetus.

I hate myself so much. Any second now the children will be up and I will have to watch DH be unable to look at me. I've drunk most of a bottle of vodka and refilled it with water so he won't know (hah), and still can't sleep.

How much are you drinking?

I think this makes a difference in what you need to do really, as a previous poster said if you're drinking a lot just stopping could be dangerous for you.

If possible getting back to the UK and accessing proper medical support would be helpful - either a residential detox or community alcohol teams who could support you through a home detox and local AA meetings in your own language + you'd be able to meet people who could help support you. It sounds like you don't really have anyone there.

No point putting a note under the door, he's heard enough empty promises! Amazed he locked the door though, we parted on (I thought), relatively good terms last night.

I once - drunk - called an inpatient rehab place. I think it could be done but at an enormous cost which the family couldn't bear. I just need to stop drinking and act like a human being.

OP - I have been exactly where you are now, the self disgust, the fear, the loathing, the suicidal thoughts, the shame, the feeling of being a trapped animal with nowhere to run, for you cannot run and hide from yourself.

I have done some truly terrible things whilst drinking but let me tell you now things are salvageable.

The first thing you need to do as silly as it seems is stop drinking! I know how hard that is as once the alcohol starts to wear off the fear will initially get worse and you will want or need to medicate that fear the only way you know how, it won't matter to you at the time that it will ultimately make things worse because you have not yet learnt coping mechanisms.

I am no expert as only a year sober but I could only start once I recognised feelings are nothing to be scared of. Sounds silly but fear, shame and the rest are ONLY feelings, they can't physically harm you, drinking can.

I started with AA but whilst it worked temporarily, And I got a lot of support when I needed it ultimately I needed to sort out my feelings first.

I personally did this by using a drug called antabuse which prevented me drinking long enough to get a clearer head and stop cravings, as my head started to clear I accessed psychologists and other help and was in a place mentally where I could start to change the way I felt and reacted to things.

I too have a very difficult relationship with my Mother and one of the best things I learned was I am not responsible for her feelings, I am who I am and best of all What others think of me is none of my business!

I am now in a position to be honest, I am a recovering alcoholic and proud. Yes proud because I have had the opportunity to go on a journey of self discovery that most 'normal' people could only dream of. I am also in the enormously prilvaliged position of being able to empathise with and help others.

Please be strong, feeling feelings cannot hurt you, people can forgive you and your relationship with your children can be repaired.

Sanguis I know of many people having successfully accessed Drug and Alcohol Treatment via healthcare insurance. Why would it impact on your children's coverage? Stopping drinking when you are consuming more than 15 units a day is potentially life threatening as it can cause epileptic fits. I would urge you to seek medical support if you are drinking over this amount.
Yes if you came back to the UK that would make it easier to access these services and AA so you could put that in the letter than littleleftie suggested. Good luck!

My father is an alcoholic, but he hasn't had a drink in about 30 years, so it is possible to quit.

I am very similar to my father in many ways, but I do not have issues with alcohol or any other substances. However, I do have extreme compulsive behaviour in other areas (OCD and disordered eating). I am also a ridiculously angry person.

What really comes through from your posts is how much you hate yourself. One of the most important things I have learned from my years of therapy is how counterproductive self-hatred and self-blame is.

If you can just go, 'of course I ruin everything, I'm shit', this is basically an excuse not to change. If you can only see bad things about yourself, and think you are 'evil', then you think you don't deserve anything good to happen to you.

I have found that I need positive motivation to change, not negative - I can't stop doing x just because x makes me miserable ( because you deserve to be miserable, bad ), but I might be able to stop it because if I don't do x any more, maybe then I can do y .

I think you can't stop drinking because you think you don't deserve to - you don't deserve to have a happy, peaceful life. It isn't the willpower you lack, it is the will .

I think you need to understand, before you can stop drinking, that you are as good as anyone else, and your addiction does not necessarily define you.

I hope you learn how to forgive yourself, and I hope you can stop drinking and I hope you can start living your life.

enormous cost which the family couldn't bear. I just need to stop drinking and act like a human being.

I'm going to be really harsh here OP, forgive me because sometimes the truth needs to be said. You are already causing a huge cost to your family that they can not bare. You don't just 'need to stop drinking & act like a human being'. You can't. It's not that easy for you. What you need to do is access professional support to overcome your self medicating behaviour.

I have had a substance abuse issue when younger (cocaine) and I also have issues with abusing alcohol to try and medicate against suicidal thoughts. I absolutely can not deal with this alone, it is too big and I don't have the capacity to deal with it without professional support.

I have to deal with these compulsions and ensure I dont press the self destruct button for one reason only. To safeguard my children. I signed up to being a parent, my dc's didn't choose to be my children. I CAN NOT under any circumstances put my needs over theirs because it is wrong. I can't commit suicide because I am not prepared to leave them to deal with the emotional impact of something they had no choice or control over. OP you need to keep your dc's at the forefront of your mind. Your marriage sounds like collateral damage and whilst being a very sad situation you chose that marriage and it's your choice to end it. Marriages fail. If you self destruct you are choosing to fail in your duty as a parent. You can not do that to dc's who have had not had any choice or control.

When you want to enough. You will beat this.

You are not the only person who has felt the way you do, or has been through the sort of things you have been through.
You can have a normal life, where you can take pleasure in the good times, the sunny days, the smiles, the outings, without everything being overshadowed by your addiction.

Many people have beaten addictions, and many have died.

If youre not at the crossroads now, then you soon will be. You need to make a decision. Alcohol addiction is very challenging to beat.It causes more health problems and social problems than ANY other drug.
You dont actually have the choice but to stop eventually if youve got any survival instincts at all, or any protective instincts for your children.

I think the rock bottom thing is bullshit. An excuse to think you can put off changing a bit longer. What is the point in that. Youre not having fun here.

alcoholism is an illness and I am sorry you are suffering but for your children's sake I think you need to leave them with their father. the damage that is being done to them needs to stop. I may sound harsh but I am the product of 2 alcoholic parents I will never forgive them for putting drink above their children's wellbeing (to the extent no food or electricity and the threat of eviction was a regular event). your children deserve better. you don't sound ready to quit. please put them first.

Been through to these cycles with my Father. So many times.

Sorry to say but my father pulled this crap when we were about to leave him, he gave up for a while then when he thought he was in the clear he would start up again.

Crocodile tears of a narc, that was him. Even in his supposed 'I'm reLly bad and I know it moments' it was just a script change.

If you wanted to really change you would do it, this is a result of your husbands threats, it never sprang from you originally.

I really hope you do change,and get help.

I think you should investigate the rehab option again. You need all the facts of how much it costs and whether you are covered.

And if the cost is huge then it's huge. I'm sure your dc think you are worth it.

no experience here but this is a desperately sad story. why wait for things to get worse? Surely then it will be an even more difficult recovery? do it now, call aa now. arrange it all now! maybe if your husband sees some positive action and not just "empty promises" he will stay. I can't see what will stop you from drinking once you have lost your marriage and kids. how bad can it possibly get after that? its not like you will ever regret trying to get better so what is there to lose? nothing! start today, prove it to your family you are serious.

Your not the disgusting person you claim to be - your here admitting what you do affects your family - and that you don't know how to change that.
Those are the words of someone humane who cares - sadly though you seem to think you don't deserve people to care about you?

Alcoholism is a horrific disease. I also thinking returning to the UK may be helpful for you.

Another Dry thread-er here. I know exactly how you feel, I really do. You hate yourself, you feel really sorry for yourself (possibly alcohol comedown) and you just don't know how to stop it . You have to stop it though, you know that. As Lucy said up thread, you may need some medical help to wean yourself off or you may be able to do it yourself. What you do need is to talk to someone, somewhere. AA may be the one, or just an online group as you don't seem to have anyone physically there for you.

I stopped one day when I could no longer justify the shame the pain and the damage I was doing. I just stayed in bed sobbing for a couple of days and then found the dry thread which had just started.

You obviously want to do it and you really can. Please don't give up x

OP, I'm planning to leave my husband because he is an alcoholic. He is currently downstairs sleeping off the 'two beers' he drank last night.

Good luck with your recovery. You and your family deserve better than what is going on right now.

Residential rehab may be your only chance. Ideally in the UK where you speak your mother tongue.
Your marriage may be beyond repair, but the relationship to your children will last as long as you live. They may be damaged already but what you do now is important for their mental health.
Don't let them hate you. They will hate themselves for it.

residential is 100% not happening, Dh won't throw good money after bad (fair dos).

I have emailed the english-speaking AA point of contact. Dh still won't/can't look at me but DC2 is up and perky and I am being normal with her. Cannot believe she still loves me after what I have done. Am not going to make things worse.

Giving up booze for Lent isn't ever going to work for you. Neither is giving up booze to get your husband back. It has to be a lifelong change that you're committed to, regardless of what happens in life. One drink is one too many for you.

Alcohol does make you feel better. If it didn't there wouldn't be so many people self-medicating with it. The problem is it makes things far worse. It's like taking a headache pill that takes the headache away, then gives you a migraine later.

Looks like you have a lot of reasons to carry on drinking coming up. Separation, divorce, loss of your kids, moving countries. It isn't reasonable to expect you to stop drinking with all that mess going on, right? Except life will continue getting worse if you try facing it with a drink in your hand.

You can give up. I've been where you are, I didn't think I would ever stop, but I did and things are better, unrecognisably so, after 4 years of being sober. They will be for you too.

Hello there. Can I suggest that you post on the Dry thread and/or the Brave babes battle bus? They know how you feel, and you can take comfort (even if you feel you don't deserve it for now) in the fact that it is possible to change your situation. I'm sure your love for your family has driven you to posting here, otherwise you could/would just carry on.

Sanguis if medical support is not an option (which I really struggle to understand if I'm honest) then you need to try and start cutting down. Stopping completely and abruptly can be fatal and although your DH is perhaps understandably disengaged with the process does he potentially want to see your DC's without a mother? Can you reduce the daily intake by a few drinks a day over the next weeks until you are under 15 units? You need to taper your drinking down to allow your brain to adjust safely.

You still with us? Maybe start counting hours since to give yourself something you've done to lose?

My dad was just like you, hasn't had a drink in 11 years now. Our relationship is ok now. It was not before, and caused me a lot of issues as a teen. Have you got a copy of the AA book? I love it, it is very good. Lots of personal stories too.

Rock bottom is what you decide it is. Imo, it's the point you stop digging.

And most addicts ime don't recover because they reach a moment of perfect clarity. They start recovery because they have to, because they are out of options, and they carry on because they realise they want to. My dad certainly didn't realise he had a problem! He just realised he had no choice. No one in his rehab was there out of choice, they were there from a lack of choice in the matter.

It's incredibly hard to carry on alone. If you can go to the meetings go, get the book, if they have a phone service use it. Take it a day at a time. Talk, on here (join the threads) or elsewhere. Start knitting, hooking a rug, anything you can do. And you only have to not have a drink for the next 30 minutes. You can think about the next 30 minutes after this 30 is up.

Actually Lucy makes a valid point, how much do you drink on a daily basis? how long have you stopped for before? Is it enough to be at risk of DTs? As you need medical backup if so.

You can't taper off (you know you won't taper, you cant. You can either drink, or not drink. If you try and taper, you'll fail now) but set up some sort of help in case you do hit DTs, a lift to a free clinic or something.

I think it's pretty rare, many heavy hardcore drinkers stop just fine but try be prepared!

This is going to sound harsh but is meant with compassion - do you really want to stop? Are you ready to try? Because all you've done here is list excuse after excuse as to why you can't. If you're not ready, nothing anyone says here or IRL is going to be enough to make you stop.

If you're serious about trying to overcome your addiction, you need to access medical support. You must have a GP equivalent that you can go and see. If you really can't get support where you live, you must go where there is support. Things are bad but they're not hopeless and help is out there if you want it.

Hello OP.

My father was an alcoholic, and it was incredibly hard (as you know from growing up with an alcoholic mother).

I agree with the PP who said that this change must be what you want for the long term. Rather than a response to your husband wanting a divorce.

I know you said you'd struggle to get back to the UK, but I think that would be your best option in terms of receiving support. It is hard of course, but many people do overcome their addictions.

I'd also suggest some counselling/therapy to help you to understand the reasons behind your drinking, so you can address these.

Good luck.

Hitting bottom for many alcoholics is the moment where the fear of what they will lose if they continue drinking finally outweighs the fear of how empty and scary a sober life seems.

You can sit around drinking and waiting for that moment to suddenly occur to you. Lots of alcoholics do. You can sit and feel sorry for yourself, angry at yourself, disgusted at yourself, and use that as the justification to continue drinking. Lots of alcoholics do that, too.

Or you can decide that, actually, what you have already lost is too much and you can't bear the thought of losing more. You have to make that choice. How much worse do you want your life to get?

I can give you an example of how your life could go from here. When I got together with my ex she was early 30s and drank quite a lot but could, more or less, handle it. She was professionally successful, beautiful and gregarious. We had children, changes of jobs, changes of house, and her drinking went up and down but over the years was gradually increasing.

By the time she hit 40 she was drinking an awful lot and her behaviour was appalling. She was a very nasty drunk. At 41 I'd had enough. Couldn't live with her any more. That was the first time she tried to get sober. She failed. By 42 we had split up, sharing the kids 50:50 but after one drunken incident too many Social Services had got involved. Social Services told us that either our children lived with me full-time or they were going into care. So our children lived with me and saw her during her sober weeks.

She was about 43 or 44 when she had her first seizure during alcohol withdrawal and de-toxed in hospital. A while later she went into rehab for a couple of months. Came out and was drinking again within months. Another few hospital spells as she bounced between drunk and sober, sober to drunk.

By the time she was 48 her health was really starting to suffer. She had problems with her pancreas, her liver, and her stomach all caused by alcohol. Our children rarely saw her as they didn't want to be around her unless they knew for sure she was sober. Her choice to resume drinking after being sober for a few weeks/months always left them in tears. All they wanted was their mum to be sober and happy.

She died last year. She was 50. I cannot tell you how fucking horrible it was to have to tell our children that their mother was dead. This will affect them deeply for the rest of their lives.

This story doesn't have to be your story. It hasn't got that bad for you. Yet. But it could. You have the power to change this but your husband and your children will need action from you, not just words.

Howard there but for the grace of god.