DH has told me it's over - rightly - and still not rock bottom

[Sanguis]

I gave up drinking for lent. Except the first chance I had I got drunk (my friend had to drive me home, she won't return my texts, we were at the cinema! No reason for me to drink). Drank all day yesterday even as DH was telling me I was disgusting. Slept or drank. Missed the whole day, DCs totally aware.

Last weekend was a competition for DC2, all the team's parents in one hotel, I can't write what I did because I am too ashamed but I humiliated my child in front of his teammates/humiliated myself in front of the other parents, DH says that's when he knew there was no going back.

DH - crying - said last night that he's only with me because we are out of the UK, he has applied for a transfer to go back and when we do he wants a divorce, he is scared for the DCs to have me as a mother, there is nothing left of the woman he loved.

The alcohol is my attempt to avoid life, I do know that. I have been calling and calling the one psychiatrist our health insurance will cover but no callback. I don't have a GP.

My children have worse than nothing for a mother, honestly. It's not even that I don't know what to do - I know the steps, stop drinking, seek help if I can't, see a psychiatrist, make an effort not to yell at the DCs and be pointlessly nasty, leave the bloody house sometimes.

I feel like I have done it on purpose, pushed and pushed until DH has stopped loving me, the DCs are irrevocably damaged (WHY??? Why have I done this?), and now what? What is the sick impulse? What does my brain get out of it?

Anyway now it's today and now what. I am sitting here self-loathing and self-pitying and desperately sorry but not sorry enough, clearly. And posting this - not sure why either. I love the idea of a big redemption narrative but not enough to have made the effort to achieve one.

I thought this would be rock bottom but it's clearly not. What do I think 'rock bottom' will do anyway? Magically give me willpower and impetus.

I hate myself so much. Any second now the children will be up and I will have to watch DH be unable to look at me. I've drunk most of a bottle of vodka and refilled it with water so he won't know (hah), and still can't sleep.

is there an english language aa telephone number where you are - i suggest that you ring it. You can't do this on your own and you need help first. Admit that nothing you have done so far is working and speak to people who have done what you need to do and find out how they managed it. Coming back to the uk is only a good idea if you have a plan on what you are going to do when you get here - good luck x

I'm sorry you're going through this.
I too have experience of this from the other side. My ex is sober now. His rock bottom was when we did eventually split and he realised there was no one left any more apart from himself who could save him.

He is sober now, and has a good relationship with DCs. AA has been an incredible source of support for him. Please try it.

It's not a given that your children will be alcoholics, plenty of children of alcoholics aren't. My dad was an alcoholic and neither me nor my brother are. But you do need to get some help, for you first and foremost. The other relationships will come but you have to do it for you, because you want to or it will never work.

There is a website called sober recovery, that might be of some help to you if you're struggling to get to meetings.

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/

Sanguis you can turn this around if you focus hard enough on it.

My father was an alcoholic who died of liver disease. Two of my siblings are alcoholics. Two of us (myself included) have "tendencies" and one cannot drink alcohol due to another medical condition, otherwise I suspect they would also be alcoholic. So I get where you are coming from.

Here is a link to the latest DRY thread which may help you?

Can you get Amazon deliveries where you are? I thoroughly recommend this Jason Vale book which helped enormously

If you cannot access suitable health services where you are then I think you have no option but to return to the UK ahead of your family.

Good luck

I just read your update "My mum hates me" So does mine. If you can get some counselling I would start with that.

Thanks guys. Oh god, I am so humbled that you are taking time out of your day to help me. It must be coming on lunchtime in the UK now?

Dh has planned a day out with the DCs (to get away from me), if he'll speak to me I will ask about going to the UK but I am not sure we can afford it - nowhere to stay etc. Otherwise I have found the english-speaking AA meeting, it's on Wednesday and a long way away (surprise surprise I can't drive), the forums sound like a good idea.

My mum was like you. It killed her at 48.

honestly if I had the guts I'd top myself. In a way that looked like an accident, think that would be easier for the DCs.

• how fucking selfish am I, that I would even think that.

Look you know better than anyone how alcohol changes the way you think. It makes you selfish. It twists your brain.

Focus on ridding yourself and you'll be able to think clearer...

Look, some people are self destructive and some are self destructive. Personally I think we lie if we think we have control over what path our illnesses will take.

There will be a reason why you are like this. There is help out there, and there is hope.

My Dad's dad was an alcoholic. My dad is not. But he does have deep seated psychological issues. You can break the cycle by understanding yourself better, showing courage and protecting them.

my dps dm is an alcoholic. it has unbelieveable psychological affects on him and his db.

dp is not an alcoholic but has a bad relationship with drink.

i know alcoholism is an illness and you need good treatment. even tho i know this seeing what she does every day to dp and everyone else around her enabling her disgusts me.

without drink she is a wonderful person, that is quite possibly the hardest part of the illness.

i hope you get to a point where you want help, sounds like u arw still in the excuses stage (aa is too far away and u cant drive, u shouldnt drive anyway if u are an alcoholic).

hopefully a time will come where you will move heaven and earth to do the best for you,ur dp and ur dc. until that time comes i hope they can stay supportive.

Sanguis
I'm so sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I echo the others sentiments of getting some counselling, and getting yourself to a meeting. I don't know where you are in the world but can I recommend you email or phone the Samaritans if you need support today? I volunteered for them for years and they are brilliant if you need someone to talk to :) There is a way out of this, it doesn't need to be some big redemption narrative. Some of us just quietly stop and we're all on the Dry thread if you'd like additional support . Also I don't know how much you are drinking but if it is over 15 units a day then it would be dangerous for you to stop completely without medical support. There must be drug and alcohol withdrawal treatment provided by your healthcare insurance company - can you call them first thing tomorrow?

OP - I think you really need to try and get to that meeting in person. Just for the psychological help face to face with people who are in [or were in] the same boat. Use the forum for additional support.

Have you any friends that could take you?

No way could I tell the insurance about what I drink, it could mean there's no coverage for the DCs.

I will go, I can get a taxi. I literally cannot drive, not just a choice!

I am 1000000% aware I am disgusting. I choose to be disgusting and that is disgusting.

Sanguis you can beat this. Mother was an alcoholic and passed on unhealthy drinking habits to me. ExDP hated me drinking. I just constantly remind myself that I WILL NOT become my mother. This helps me make better decisions about when I've had enough.

Remember the awful, embarrassing things you have done and use them to discourage yourself from drinking again.

Counselling would be really helpful as this can get to the root of the problem.

You are aware you have a problem, this is the first step to getting better! Definitely pop over to the BraveBabes threads, they are very helpful and have first hand understanding of what you are dealing with.

Good luck OP, I believe you can do it

I went upstairs and DH has locked the bedroom door. He doesn't want me near him, he said.

I don't blame him but it fucking hurt.

sorry sanguis i didnt mean to sound so harsh just i see how this affects dc.

dps dm has got sober many times with the right help and you can to. it does sound like u want to. i wouldnt worry too much about rock bottom how about focusing on finding some help?

one thing my mil has not tried is private counselling and i know the reason she drinks is a coping mechanism. i think if she could talk about and come to terms with her issues she'd be in a much better position to stay sober. have you considered counselling?

do u have something troubling you that it would help to talk to someone about?

the factbu know u av a problem is amazing and a big step. wishing u luck in ur journey

Sorry you're going through this im not going to judge or shame you,you obviously feel bad, the fact you've been ringing the psychiatrist with no avail makes me feel quite sorry for you, why do you have no.GP? You need one

OK, well talking to him through the door probably won't work.
Can you write him a letter and slip it under the door?

I think you should act now whilst you feel able to express yourself, and he may respond positively if he sees you are willing to act to resolve the situation.

Don't waffle on for 10 pages, just, "I am so sorry, I know how badly I am affecting you all. I am trying to think of ways I can access help I need to get better once and for all. Do you think I could go to UK where I can get proper medical help? Will you support me going to AA here?"

I really hope you get help for this. My mum and dad were/are alcoholics and i have to say the damage and misery it caused me as a child is unbelievable. I even had to have counselling as an adult because of it.

Thankfully I'm not an alcoholic so there is hope for your children.

I don't mean this to sound bad, but I hope you leave the children with your husband whilst you sort yourself out.

Like a previous poster, I also had a mother like you. Unlike the pp, my mother hasn't picked up a drink in almost 21 years, so it can be done.

But what stopped her drinking was my waking up one morning, at the age of 15, deciding I couldn't live with her drinking any more, and taking a massive overdose of anti-depressants.

I nearly died, and for a long time afterwards was very disappointed not to. My mother had to deal with watching me on life-support, not knowing for days whether I would pull through. The doctor said to her "your little girl wanted to die, do you understand that? This wasn't a cry for help, she wanted to die and if she'd succeeded you would have killed her.

Please try to understand that. Your drinking could kill your kids. Don't let that be your rock bottom.

Get to an AA meeting. It worked for my mum, it can work for you too.

Is there any way you can go into residential rehab? I think you need to get away from your children for their sakes. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but my sympathies are with them.

Alcoholism is of course an illness. There are tablets you can take that make alcohol make you sick. Surely you have some kind of medical input? Going to AA is brilliant and I am sure your DH will take you. He will support your efforts to get control over your drinking.

Your rock bottom will arrive when you lose your DH and children and home. I sincerely hope AA works for you, but at least if your DH sees you trying to get help he may stand by you again. Al anon supports families so i suggest you tell him to contact them.

There can be a genetic element to alcoholism so it's important your children are protected as much as possible from the environment you are creating even though it's not one you want, to stop history repeating itself.

Please come over to the Dry thread for support Sanguis. I am sorry you are so full of shame and self-hatred. You are not alone. I promise you that the real you, the 'you' beneath the one who is drinking, angry, destructive... she is a good person, and a loving mother.

Going to meetings is hard for lots of people for a variety of reasons. But one of the amazing developments in the last few years is that of the sober online community. Lots of people have stopped drinking by reaching out to others online - just as you are doing now. By posting today, you are reaching out for help. You clearly want help. This could be your rock bottom.

I found Soberistas really useful in the early days of stopping drinking - there is a chat room and normally someone there to talk to if you need immediate support. There is also the relatively new Living Sober website for those wanting to stop or having stopped. Keep reaching out, keep talking. X