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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me. I'm so alone and don't know what to do.

37 replies

EveryDayTheSame · 22/02/2015 07:58

I don't know where to start. I have been with my DP for 9 years. We have a 2 yo DD together, and due to get married later this year.

I have worked part time since having DD and have always supported DP in his career, has a very good job, but long hours and 6 days a week most of the time. By his own admission he wouldn't be where he was without me.

Everything was fine until around 6 weeks ago when he decided to break it to me that he didn't feel the same about me, grown apart etc usual speech. I was devestated, for me, our family and most of all our DD, how could he do this to her? Denying her of a family, brothers sisters etc. The few people we told were shocked as we have always got on great, supportive, rarely bickered etc.

After a week or so, he told me he wasn't sure he made the right decision and wanted to try again. After long talks I agreed as I desperately want us to be together. I love him.

Everything has been fine since then, until a few days ago when he got in from work and it was like he switched off. Minimum conversations. Barely getting a kiss when one of us leaves the house.

I have No one to speak to, all out friends are mutual, I don't want people to think bad of him, he is still my DD's dad at the end of the day.

I desperately want this to work, this is my life. I'm too scared to say anything as I don't want him to leave me.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

Don't really know what replies I want. I just needed to say it.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 22/02/2015 08:00

I'm really sorry, but it's more than likely he's cheating on you. The detachment and not knowing if he wants to be with you is typical.
You need to start snooping and be prepared to find the worst.

hesterton · 22/02/2015 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

halfwildlingwoman · 22/02/2015 08:04

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I completely understand that you don't want him to leave. You have to talk to him. I know it's scary but you're scared now and uncertainty is worse than not knowing. Ask him once he's up. Rehearse. "DP, you have become very cold again the last few days. What's wrong?"
x

halfwildlingwoman · 22/02/2015 08:05

I'm afraid that I think he is cheating too. It would explain the to-and-froing. Also, IME, men don't leave unless there is someone else.

Nolim · 22/02/2015 08:06

Ciuples counselling?

Nolim · 22/02/2015 08:06

Meant to say couples

Original poster
EveryDayTheSame · 22/02/2015 08:07

I don't know. I know he is at work when he is out. There's no question of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
EveryDayTheSame · 22/02/2015 08:08

I don't think he'd want counselling

OP posts:
Handywoman · 22/02/2015 08:08

So sorry, OP, he has a lot of opportunity to forge relationships elsewhere - he is probably having an emotional affair at least. I would do some snooping...... Any unusual bills on credit card? Hotel bills for 'business trips'.

Fairylea · 22/02/2015 08:12

I wish people wouldn't pile in with the "he's cheating" stuff on these threads. Having been someone who has been left for someone else (husband disappeared for an ex girlfriend he'd found on Facebook, leaving me and then 6 year old dd) it actually really doesn't matter either way whether it's another woman or not. It does change the outcome of what is going on.

Op I'm really sorry this is happening to you. In this situation the best thing to do would be to suggest he moves out. I know that seems to go against what you want to do but it might spur him into actually making an effort or talking about what is going on.

I also think you need to get a bit angry. Very angry. Regardless of whether there is someone else or not you have every right to be angry and to let him know you are.

Original poster
EveryDayTheSame · 22/02/2015 08:13

No, nothing on statements. His phone goes everywhere with him. Always been like that though.

OP posts:
Nolim · 22/02/2015 08:16

If he wants to leave then you cannot stop him. But make sure that dc needs are put ahead of everyone else. Sorry i dont have any practical advise. Flowers

Original poster
EveryDayTheSame · 22/02/2015 08:17

He's got a very important week in work this week, interviews and delivering courses so I don't know if that is part of the reason for how he is. I don't feel I can ask him to move out because of this.

OP posts:
magoria · 22/02/2015 08:18

You only have to read some of the threads on here to be amazed at how much people can get up to during working hours.

Cheating or not he is treating you shabbily.

It is cruel and unfair to do this to both you and your DC.

You cannot make him stay. You can twist yourself into knots trying to be perfect to make him stay and slowly destroy who you are.

The best thing is to ask him to leave while he decides so you are not pulled back and forth. Get advise and find out all help and support you can get if you are left.

It means you can start working on if he doesn't stay and building your own life with out him.

Horrible as it is to say you will also be a more attractive option to him as a strong independent woman who doesn't actually need him than one who puts up with his shit so he stays. Especially if there is another waiting in the wings he is comparing you too.

Consider an STI test just to make sure too.

Bakeoffcake · 22/02/2015 08:22

Whatever his reasons for detatching from you again, he's being very cruel to you.

You are going to have to talk to him about all this. You can't carry on in limbo.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/02/2015 08:25

Re his important work week, he now owes you a proper explanation but you may not ever get all the truth of what has happened from him. I think you will be given some version of it in stages as and when he wants to impart information.

I would be asking him to move out, you need time and space away from him for now. I also think he is comparing what he has to what another lady who has caught his eye (hence that speech six week ago) could potentially offer him.

Do not do the "pick me" dance, it will just already lower your own self esteem even more. Show him and your own self that you can indeed manage without him. He can still have a relationship with and be a father to his child if he so chooses to if you do go onto separate.

Original poster
EveryDayTheSame · 22/02/2015 08:28

He adores our DD so I don't think he would go with someone else. I also thing that's a massive part as to why he has stayed so far.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 22/02/2015 08:30

Cheating has bog all to do with how much a person loves their children.

FirstOfficerDouglasRichardson · 22/02/2015 08:30

I'm sorry OP. Try not to think of your dd being deprived of a family/siblings, she's 2, she'll be very resilient (and she can still have siblings in the future). You need to look after yourself and be practical. You aren't married so this could be straight forward or very difficult. Do you rent or own your home, if you own who is named as the home owner? You need to act now to make sure you can care for your dd. do you have family for support? And you need to ask him to leave immediately whether he has a tough week or not. He has detached from you, you need to detach from him.

Joysmum · 22/02/2015 08:33

DH and I both get like this at times, when times get tough we go insular.

We will talk when we're ready to try to articulate how we feel, in the meantime having a partner who's there, doesn't push to talk and does nice little things helps.

However, I will just say that we are in a good relationship so if something is up with our partner, we know it's something other than our relationship.

Becles · 22/02/2015 08:36

Start planning for the what ifs in your head and thinking about any practical issues which may bite you in the bum later on of the worst happens.

Are you still planning the wedding? If so, stop till things get sorted one way or the other. Can you get deposits etc back? Investigate counselling for both of you, or even just you. If all's well, you still need support to process what's happened.

Is your name on a loan or technically responsible for credir card debts, are you paying into a mortgage but not on the deeds? You need to take a couple of days by yourself to get a clear idea of where you stand financially.

Then plan, plan and plan. How can you live together going forward? What if he bails or you just don't want to be with him. Could you start building up your hours or role at work.

Time to pay down all your debts and eBay your clutter or stuff that would weigh you down in a move. Beef up your cv or skills and start to save hard a contingency fund for a rent deposit and childcare somewhere.

Good luck whatever happens.

lastlines · 22/02/2015 08:37

Please don't feel you are alone. Just because most of your friends are mutual doesn't mean you have no right to speak to them. Can you call one of the friends you get on with most and talk it through with them? Did you have intended bridesmaids?

Your post comes across as though you rate yourself quite low in importance and him quite highly. He needs to see what he's missing if he walks out. It's terrifying now, but whatever happens, whether you stay together or separate, you will get through it and probably end up stronger.

Take a bit of time away from him and your child - when he gets in, tell him you need to go out and leave him with the baby while you find a quiet café somewhere and think hard about what you want from life and from him. Tell him what you can and can't accept. Make him see you have some say in all this and you won't hang round like a puppy waiting for scraps while he decides.

The more respect and love you show yourself in this, the easier it will be for you to cope, whatever happens.

LikeIcan · 22/02/2015 08:41

Op: nothing you do will stop him leaving if that's what he wants.
I know it's hard because you still love him, but you have to toughen up now & give out the; 'right ok, you don't want me anymore then fine, f**k you' signals, because thinking that way will get you through this. He's dropped the first bombshell; ' I don't feel the same anymore bla bla bla' - right, ok, now you don't feel the same either. He could be having an affair, or he could have just woke up one morning & decided he wants out - either way, you're going to have to accept it.

He's actually doing the right thing by being honest.

Achooblessyou · 22/02/2015 08:45

My ex loved his kids but didn't stop him playing away. He still loves his kids now that we are divorced.

I suspect that his work life is so much more exciting to him than his home life, whether there's another woman or not. But I'm sorry it does sound like there is someone.

I agree with pps - don't be needy - be as strong as you can be. You can suggest things like counselling as a last ditch attempt but you can't make him go.

Don't let him mess you around. He will do for as long as he can get away with it. I think you need to see his phone.

Sorry you are going through this. But know that it's not the end of the world if you do split.

sandgrown · 22/02/2015 08:49

I agree . Start making plans in case you do separate. Photocopy all financial information and store safely and start trying to save a little. Is it the wedding that is making him jittery ? Does he see marriage as more permanent even though you have a child. Whatever you do don't change yourself to try and make him stay because if he is determined to go it will not work and will knock your self esteem. Don't worry too.much about your daughter. She is young and will adapt. On a different note I would start building a network of friends outside the relationship whatever happens. When my ex-DH left my family were miles away but my friends were amazing and helped in so many ways. Good Luck Flowers

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