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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I am just being stupid?

30 replies

Rocklover · 24/10/2006 15:55

DH and I split up in July this year and we are fairly amicable about it all. However, I am beginning to feel increasingly resentful towards him and it's making me feel quite low.

Basically we split up for many reasons the 2 major ones being the birth of our DD (she is nearly 2 now), which he found hard to handle and the fact that I didn't want to get a full time job because I felt it was unfair leaving DD in childcare from 8-6 (just my point of view, I know others do it). In my defence I was happy to get part time work and downsize the house, but he said it would be impossible to do that on just his wage so treated me like complete crap for a year (which he readily admits).

So what you say...but this is the problem, after all that time being treated like crap with his excuse that he was under financial pressure, he has gone straight out and bought a two bed designer flat (on his wage alone) which cost only a few grand less than our last 3 bed detached house.

I am now, at 32, living with my parents, no job (looking though, interview next week for well paid PT position), he has a new flat, new job (he is a teacher) and is planning to go to Cuba with his mate, who he now has round most weekends!!

So far he has "not had time" to organise maitenance payments, also he gave me £2000 (from a loan) to pay for driving lessons, which I was grateful for, he nows says I need to use it for DD until he can arrange a direct debit. The more I look at it, the more I realise that it was a "guilt" payment because he knew he was going to buy a place and not rent.

He keeps hinting that he is grateful that I won't do anything to get any equity in the flat, which I wouldn't even if I could, but I am just so mad that I am left high and dry where his life has barely changed.

I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TheBlonde · 24/10/2006 16:00

It would only take 5 mins online or on the phone to transfer money to you.

You are letting him get away with not giving you money

geordiemacminx · 24/10/2006 16:04

Sounds to me like you need to get yourself a solicitor and also get in contact with the CSA. I know this might sound harsh and you have said things have been fairly amicable but it sounds to me as though he is taking you for a mug whilst he is having the life of riley. it is very difficult/impossible for things to remain friendly in cases like this... you need to act tough and do whats best for you and your daughter since your husband is clearly looking after himself.

What happened to the house? Was it sold and spilt?

Sorry to be harsh, but being mad is good at this stage, it means you are prepared to fight.

Molton · 24/10/2006 16:04

Sounds like he's living it up whilst you feel like you've taken several steps back. Think you should be firm (yet fair) in sorting out the financial side of things and take it from there. Good that things have been amicable up to now - hope that can continue as am sure it will make life easier in the long run.

Rocklover · 24/10/2006 16:06

We were not split when the previous house was sold and most of small amount of equity we had was spent paying off debts.

OP posts:
Blu · 24/10/2006 16:10

He ended up with an expensive flat and you ended up without a home of your own for you and your DD???

What happened to your share of the house?

Have you even seen a solicitor?

None of this sounds fair at all.

Rocklover · 24/10/2006 16:13

It's complicated, we both moved into my parents after the sale of the house as we were going to buy with them...but he changed his mind, so parents were left high and dry as well!

OP posts:
piglit · 24/10/2006 16:14

Where did he get a deposit to buy his new place?

Rocklover · 24/10/2006 16:16

he didn't need one, I think as it was a new build, the builders paid it.

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geordiemacminx · 24/10/2006 16:16

sweetheart he is taking you for a ride... go and see a solicitor please....you need some sort of security for your little one... not sure whether you would be entitiled to half the flat, I know you said that you wouldnt do that. I just feel so bad for you that you are stuck in this position... I bet you are such a nice person and he is just taking advantage of that!!!

Rocklover · 24/10/2006 16:21

Well funnily enough,my parents were so mad at me as they said he was alot meaner than I gave him credit for! I just didn't see it, to be fair he only moved out a week and a half ago, but he had offered for the flat in August.

Now he has moved in, I can see just how selfish he is, he only ever phones to ask me to collect stuff and asks about DD and me as an afterthought! Yet before he moved out he was going on about how I was the lucky one cos I had DD, he made ME feel sorry for HIM!

He is having DD from WEd to Sat this week as he is on half term, I am dreading it.

OP posts:
Blu · 24/10/2006 16:22

Wow, he's a piece of work, isn't he?

I do think you should see a solicitor. This isn't an 'amicable' relationship at all, because he is trating you like dirt - and has done for a long time.

geordiemacminx · 24/10/2006 16:26

You sound ike a strong person, I'm sure you will get this sorted, and it sounds like your parents see him for what he is.

Whereabouts are you?

If you dont want him to have your dd for 4 days then you really dont have too... at 2 she might find it a bit strange being away somewhere she doesnt know?

Rocklover · 24/10/2006 16:29

We are in the same town and I have to see her on Thurs to go to the docs with him for her jab.

OP posts:
geordiemacminx · 24/10/2006 16:31

Just remember, you are in control of this.

I meant whereabouts in the country? Sorry

Rocklover · 24/10/2006 16:31

I am in Oxfordshire.

OP posts:
geordiemacminx · 24/10/2006 16:34

Thats a nit far from me in Sunny scotland... I'll send you a {{{{{hug}}}}}} instead!!!!

Rocklover · 24/10/2006 16:48

Cheers Geordie. I am sure I am making more of it than it is, but just before he left he was still saying he loved me and that the flat was "for us" for if I decided to move in. Although he quickly backed taht up by saying it wouldn't be right to do that now as he need time to live on his own!

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mumandlovingit · 24/10/2006 16:48

are you claiming any benefits?

asking because my ex moved out in august and im on income support and the csa have already contacted him and sorted out arrangements for him to pay me for the 2 children.

i would speak to csa and make them contact him personally.

he's having a fun time doing what he wants and not taking his responsibility to his child seriously.you are left doing everything and worrying about everything.

if you are on benefits you will only get 310 of the csa as they will take the rest off your benefit payments but at least he'll be paying! if you are working then you will get all of the money!

good luck

Rocklover · 24/10/2006 17:17

I am only on Child tax credit and when I get a job I will claim working tax credit and the child care element of it. I can't claim jobseekers allowance as I tried when I was pg and because of a few months when I worked PT about 4 yrs ago, I didn't pay enough NI apparently!

OP posts:
mumandlovingit · 24/10/2006 17:32

income based jobseekers alowance desnt go by your national insurance contributions.contribution based jobseekers does though.

if you arent getting benefits then you're entitled to all of the csa.the csa website is very helpfull in giving you an idea of how much you are entitled to.

dont make yourself struggle, claim it.if he doesnt pay it they will take it straight from his wage and pay it into your bank.

dont take crap from him.he'sgot a nice flat and money etc whilst you're left worrying about supporting your child.

Rocklover · 24/10/2006 20:52

OK...update! Just called him to talk about tomorrow (DD is going to stay until Sat), we are meeting to take her to baby bounce at 10, I asked if he could come a little earlier (9am) and bring a holdall as I didn't have one due to him taking them all. He curtly informed me that he couldn't come round that early (i.e cos it will disturb his lie in) and that I would have to buy myself a bag as he wasn't going to come round an hour early every time he is due to have DD!

Then he informed me that I am going to have to supply her sleeping bag (even though I informed him he could buy one for her from Mothercare). I then told him she is running out of nappies and could he pick up some more from the shop, I was greeted with a silence and "well....if I absolutely have to, but I will keep them at the flat".

I asked him at the end of the phone call why he was being so off with me and he said "because I am in the middle of a film" and he couldn't wait to get me off the phone!

I am soooo upset, I really wanted us to have a civil relationship for DDs sake, because she is my life and it's important to me that she is happy. But now it is clear it won't happen, I am finding a solicitor and starting divorce proceedings as soon as!!!

God I am FUMING!!!

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 24/10/2006 20:58

Was this the guy that wanted to move out of your parents house and you didnt?

Rocklover · 24/10/2006 21:03

He has wanted many different things, but yes he did. The reason I didn't go is because A) we split up and B)Although he "loves" me and bought the flat for "both of us" he doesn't think it a good idea if we try things again right now.

For the record I never wanted to "try" again, but kept quiet and was non-commital to save his feelings!!! I feel like an utter tit!

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 24/10/2006 21:09

Well, what is done is done now.

For your and your DD's benefit I think you need to start looking forward and deciding what you can do without his support (if he is going to be crap at giving it). Anything he gives you is a bonus after that. I agree he should pay his way etc but for your own self esteem, and to enable you to move on. He is your Dd's father, and whilst you should encourage his involvement, he is nothing more to you than that anymore. Cut him loose, and try not to let him anger you with this things. He will most likely dig his heels in further if you do.

Rocklover · 24/10/2006 21:23

This was/is my original plan, but unlike the rest of my family, I had a bit more faith in him than they did, and have just a rude awakening. Hopefully the interview I have next week will bear fruit. I need to get the divorce started now!

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