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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I am just being stupid?

30 replies

Rocklover · 24/10/2006 15:55

DH and I split up in July this year and we are fairly amicable about it all. However, I am beginning to feel increasingly resentful towards him and it's making me feel quite low.

Basically we split up for many reasons the 2 major ones being the birth of our DD (she is nearly 2 now), which he found hard to handle and the fact that I didn't want to get a full time job because I felt it was unfair leaving DD in childcare from 8-6 (just my point of view, I know others do it). In my defence I was happy to get part time work and downsize the house, but he said it would be impossible to do that on just his wage so treated me like complete crap for a year (which he readily admits).

So what you say...but this is the problem, after all that time being treated like crap with his excuse that he was under financial pressure, he has gone straight out and bought a two bed designer flat (on his wage alone) which cost only a few grand less than our last 3 bed detached house.

I am now, at 32, living with my parents, no job (looking though, interview next week for well paid PT position), he has a new flat, new job (he is a teacher) and is planning to go to Cuba with his mate, who he now has round most weekends!!

So far he has "not had time" to organise maitenance payments, also he gave me £2000 (from a loan) to pay for driving lessons, which I was grateful for, he nows says I need to use it for DD until he can arrange a direct debit. The more I look at it, the more I realise that it was a "guilt" payment because he knew he was going to buy a place and not rent.

He keeps hinting that he is grateful that I won't do anything to get any equity in the flat, which I wouldn't even if I could, but I am just so mad that I am left high and dry where his life has barely changed.

I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Fluffybubble · 24/10/2006 21:29

I think it is good that you are angry! From what I can remember of your posts in the summer he was laying on the guilt, which ultimately bought him time to set himself up without you giving him grief!

My solicitor was infuriated by my ex and could not understand why I was not furious with him (I felt shell-shocked for a long time), but once I did get angry (on my ds's behalf really), I found that things moved on. My ex sounds quite similiar to yours, in that he has put his own interests first entirely. I think that you need some legal advice, in order to face him head on, if only for your dc's sake. Don't let him knock you back, he is just pushing his luck!

You will get there - when you are set up with your dd in a home of your own (it will happen!) and he is a lonely bloke in his fancy (& expensive!) pad you will have the last laugh!

madamez · 24/10/2006 21:29

He's a selfish, immature, lazy ringpiece! Sick the CSA on him right now!
Sorry but it annoys me the way men like this take no responsiblity for their actions and treat their own kids like an inconvenience: obviously you need to be civil with him for dd;s sake but that doesn't mean you have to let him play you for a mug.
Best of luck.

Rocklover · 24/10/2006 21:36

Thanks guys, the support is just what I need right now. He has always played the I will miss DD so much (sob) card....evidently not, has hardly attempted phone contact and has not popped round to see her ( as he wanted to do).

One good thing though is I went round on Sat to pick up my stuff from his flat (had been in storage) and he had some mates there ans he looked like shit. Had his work clothes on from the day before, hair was all sticking up (no shower and he clearly hadn't cleaned his teeth. How the hell I put up with it for so long I will never know, but at the moment, no woamn (or man for that matter) would touch him with a barge pole. Whereas I am have been making much more effort lately and felt great in comparison to him!

OP posts:
Fluffybubble · 24/10/2006 21:52

I think that when you step back from your relationship you can really see your ex for what they are - whilst your in the middle of things it is hard to be objective. He is being selfish and irresponsible, and totally relying on the fact that you will put your dd first. It is so hard to understand how dads can behave this way, but it seems to be so common.

It is great that you are picking yourself up and feeling more confident. Making a new life for yourself and your dd will be so rewarding, and you deserve far better than the way you have and are being treated. Don't let his bad behaviour drag you down!

geordiemacminx · 25/10/2006 11:14

I think now is the time to set a precidence re your dd too. My ex used to have his kids every other weekend for 2 days, they came in the clothes they stood up in so he had to buy them a few sets of clothes to keep there. It was actually better in the long run. Tell your husband that he is responsible for anything that your dd requires at his house. If he is going to buy nappies and keep them there then he can buy a sleeping bag too. I'm sure you could put her stuff in a couple of carrier bags?

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