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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To think its really over?

32 replies

BattlingOnAgain · 21/02/2015 22:54

Hi, sorry I'm new here so this could take a while.
Current situation im in, I have a beautiful DD who's 1 next week, and a DF who works CONSTANTLY!
DF had decided to move his DB into our home, seven weeks ago for a "couple of nights". He's lived with us before, before I had my dd and he was a nightmare! He's a slob, doesn't work at all, smokes and drinks way too much and to top it off, speaks no English what so ever(df is Romanian). Me and dd have been stuck in our bedroom all day today, as df had a day off work he was entitled to spend all day drinking, smoking and being a general asshole with all SEVEN Romanian dickheads!
Dd is a little strong willed at the moment, it's a constant battle to get her to eat, drink, sleep, stop hitting me with a bloody hairbrush etc and all df does is sit on his ass. I have no help whatsoever with dd or the house, and truth be told im v.angry all the time.
After telling him how shit life has become with his brother here, him constantly being away or out or down the pub, being stuck in a bedroom all day and night because dd is terrified of his brother and friends, he implied it was ME with the problems, he couldn't see no reason why im so unhappy.
I've told him im lonely, he's never here, I have no family nearby, but have an amazing group of friends who think, to say politely, he is an idiot, and im one for putting up with him.
I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and an anxiety disorder about six months ago, he point blanked refused to accept that there was something wrong with me and I needed medical help. I've been referred for cbt therapy, still waiting.l for that.
I'm constantly told what an unfit mother I am, how fat I've got (I put on 4stone I pregnancy and had a lot of problems) and how lucky I am to have someone like me. I'm in tears constantly, I feel like im drowning and dd is now having awful tantrums and being such a handful i know its my fault she's like this.
I've asked him to leave several times, earlier today in fact, and he just laughed in my face saying id never cope; jeez, I feel like a single parent already. He pays all the bills and dictates what money I can have, and too top it all off, he's told me that if I leave him, he will take dd away from me and back to Romania and I will never see her again.
Sorry for the long post, just feel so sad, angry and really could do with some advice on what to do next.

OP posts:
however · 22/02/2015 00:12

Where are your family? Can you go to stay with them?

AnyFucker · 22/02/2015 00:18

I think if you leave this abusive fuckwit, your mental health problems will be miraculously cured

Botanicbaby · 22/02/2015 00:23

"After telling him how shit life has become with his brother here, him constantly being away or out or down the pub, being stuck in a bedroom all day and night because dd is terrified of his brother and friends, he implied it was ME with the problems, he couldn't see no reason why im so unhappy."

your poor DD should NOT be terrified in her own home. His brother needs to leave (as does he). What a pathetic excuse for a father! He is letting you both down. How dare he threaten you by saying that he will take your DD away. Is there anyone IRL that you can turn to for support asap? I really feel for you OP, please don't blame yourself for the fact your DD is having tantrums and being a handful, its not your fault.

Original poster
BattlingOnAgain · 22/02/2015 00:33

Thanks for the replies. My mum lives four hours away, thinks the earth of him, he cant do no wrong in her eyes, so bloody frustrating.
Luckily he's passed out on the sofa at the moment, so have five minutes peace before dd wakes yet again.
Am I right in thinking that because the house is in my name he has no legal right to be here? As the little money I get is used to pay all the bills?
I know he has legal rights as he's on the birth certificate (how I wish he wasn't) but can he legally take dd out of the country?

OP posts:
Original poster
BattlingOnAgain · 22/02/2015 00:36

Sorry meant to say that all the money I get is contributed to the bills

OP posts:
TwoNoisyBoys · 22/02/2015 00:41

What AnyFucker said.........!

antimatter · 22/02/2015 00:42

Of course he can't take your child away from you!!!!

honeyroar · 22/02/2015 01:10

Is the house rented or on a mortgage? If rented give notice and find somewhere else for you and DD.

How can he tell you what you can spend? How does he get your money?

Could you go to CAB and get advice? A solicitor to write to him telling him to leave? Don't let him bully you. He couldn't take your daughter.

Original poster
BattlingOnAgain · 22/02/2015 01:27

It's a council house, all in my name. All the money get paid into a joint bank account which he has the card for.
I've made arrangements for a close friend to have dd on Monday so I can approach my local authority about what I can do to get him out, and to sort out the money so it gets paid into a secret account I have.
Thanks for all the replies, just one more day of shit to get through before I can do something about it.

OP posts:
however · 22/02/2015 05:25

Well done. Make sure you follow through.

Careful though. These bastards have a, quite frankly, phenomenal sixth sense that tells them that the person they're abusing is about to bite back.

So just be cool. He mustn't catch on.

SensationalGirl · 22/02/2015 06:41

He sounds horrible. Your plan sounds great.

Get him out, get control of your money and ask about how to protect your DD from him taking her out of the country (he can't by the way but you should still look into it for your own peace of mind).

I wouldn't worry about him having your DD, he'll get sick of having her EOW, especially if you give him the impression you'll be using that time to go on dates.

And tell your mother the truth, that he's a nasty prick.

SocksRock · 22/02/2015 06:54

Regarding the removal from the country, does your daughter have a passport? If she does, get it and hide it. If she doesn't, I think you can write to the passport office and ask them not to issue one without your knowledge.

TRexingInAsda · 22/02/2015 06:54

He sounds so awful. I'd change the locks while they are out, how dare these awful tossers still be in your home when you've told them to leave! xx

wallypops · 22/02/2015 07:16

No he absolutely cannot take your child out of the country. It's called kidnapping.
Step 1 contact passport office.
Step 2 contact council and say that you want him out and his brother. Ask if you can change locks.
Step 3 get all paperwork so you can what's due in maintenance payments.
Step 4 call the police non-emergency number for advice on your situation and explain that you want him to leave. He is an abusive arse who has threatened to kidnap your child.
Step 6 lock (even if it's just leaving the key in the lock) the bastard out and leave his clothes with his brother.

TyranosaurusBecs · 22/02/2015 07:29

If it is a joint account contact the bank and get a card!

Do the council know he is living with you in the flat? I assume you are allowed?

As others said, hide your DD's passport if she has one , preferably at the house of a best friend of yours who thinks he is a dick. If she hasn't, keep her birth certificate
Hidden similarly .

Ouchbloodyouch · 22/02/2015 07:56

You will be absolutely fine if he goes. As mentioned you may find your MH problems become a LOT better. Womens Aid can help you a lot in this situation. Its not just a charity for violent situations. Domestic abuse is a huge spectrum.
I wasn't even living with my ex when they helped me. I was being harassed. They helped me with my finances and safety.

afreshstartplease · 22/02/2015 08:00

Oh you poor thing

You deffently need rid of this man

I'm sure if you told your family how he treats you surely they would believe you?

sleeponeday · 22/02/2015 08:02

I'd suggest you call Women's Aid as this is domestic abuse. Emotional and financial. There are legal steps they can advise you to take. Also Reunite who can advise you on what steps will prevent your dd being kidnapped by the twunt. It happens, unfortunately, and you can be advised on how best to stop it happening to you.

It goes without saying not to allow any contact between him and dd until there is a court order stating you are the parent with residential care. If he wanted to avoid that, then he shouldn't have threatened to abduct her.

Anyfucker is spot on. I don't think anyone would be other than depressed if saddled with such a total shit.

sleeponeday · 22/02/2015 08:06

If you have any form of ID then you can go to the bank with it on Monday and empty the joint account there and then. You don't need a card, in person and with a bill of some kind in your name plus passport or other official photo ID. I've taken cash out that way lots of times. That is, of course, always supposing that it is a truly joint account.

I'd also ask, if it is a joint account and once you have that cash in your hand, that they note against it that there is to be NO overdraft allowed - freeze it if possible. You are jointly liable for any debt against a joint account.

WONAR · 22/02/2015 09:06

Seconding everything sleeponeday said, especially about the overdraft. There has been some excellent advice on this thread from PPs, and your plan is a very good one. I do hope it all goes well for you, and well done!

Original poster
BattlingOnAgain · 22/02/2015 17:46

Well its done. After him again threatening to take her when I was asleep, I lost it. Called the police, he's gone, been told not to contact me and to arrange dd and him meeting via solicitors.
So why do I feel like I've done the wrong thing. DD is crawling around shouting dadda and looking for him. My heart is breaking.

OP posts:
afreshstartplease · 22/02/2015 17:48

You do know they say dada because it's easy to say I hope!

Justatoe · 22/02/2015 18:17

Re your joint bank account, if you tell the bank there is a dispute between account holders they have to revoke the mandate & then it is basically frozen.
Of course only do this when you are safe, other posters have posted great advice.
Take care & look forward to your new life.

dawn1967 · 22/02/2015 18:22

You haven't done the wrong thing, you have kept your daughter safe. Your heart will be full when you are free from this man. Single motherhood can be wonderful, good luck with the future.

Blu · 22/02/2015 20:28

I have no idea why you feel you have done the wrong thing!

Probably because we ought never to have to call the police on the people we should be able to trust most. Probably because it is the last thing we ever have to expect t do.

But then the people who should put their partners and child's welfare first should not be threatening kidnap. So, any wrongdoing is clearly not yours.

Congratulations, Battling.

Now prepare yourself for the fact that he will try to wheedle / sweet-talk/ guilt-trip/ threaten / emotionally blackmail his way back. Have none of it - it will only be to get you under his foot again. You are ahead and can be proud of that. Use your position to keep going forwards.

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