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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

so upsets by what dh said

30 replies

chuncksterboo · 24/10/2006 15:10

a few days ago dh and i had an argument - he felt i was nagging/disrtubing him and i felt his response was rude. Ended up escalating and i got really upset about his rudemess and the fact i take AD's and screamed how much i hates my fcking pills, i'd be on them forever, etc - i was quite hysterical by then. he shouted at me - shut the Fck up = which off course made me more upset, firstly because he was being unsympathetic and secondly because he knows i hate him swearing at me. The i said that maybe i should increase my dose of AD's so that my feeling were dulled so much that i became like a robot, then he said if i did that he's resign from work to look after dd as he thought i could harm her if i was emotionless. I feel so upset that he thinks i could harm her (this is the second time he's said it now in an argument) . We've has some hard times since dd was born (now 6 months) but for the last couple of months (since i started my AD's, which i take to help control my overwhelming feelings/anxiety) , things have been alot better - we've both made alot of effort to help eachother and things have been generally good. i now feel it's all messed up and am so hurt by him swearing at me and saying i could harm dd - please help

OP posts:

Iklboo · 24/10/2006 15:20

Poor you! What an unsympathetic man. Has he even read about/discussed your condition - with a professional or with you? Has he been watching too much Corrie - THAT particular storyline apparently hasn't been too helpful for PND mums.

DetentionGrrrl · 24/10/2006 15:22

That sounds like a horrible situation, and like you're both suffering.

Have either of you tried counselling, either together or separately?

lulumama · 24/10/2006 15:24

sounds like it all went a bit too far,,,

he is scared by what he has seen ...he thinks you are 'out of control' perhaps and worries what the tablets will do to you

it is more likely a mum would do something negative to a child when not taking her ADs than when taking them....

don;t alter the dosage without medical advice

maybe you and your DH can go to the docs together and he can hopefully get more of an understanding of PND

FWIW- i think we all say things in anger we wouldn't usually say and he is also maybe using the row as a way to express things he feels he couldn't just say in normal conversation

ie has has said twice in a row he worries you may harm DD - he obviously needs to talk things through and get a better grip on the situation..

Original poster

chuncksterboo · 24/10/2006 15:47

maybe i made him sound worse than he is - yes he did do/say all these things but he had already tried to made up with me a few times before ( irefused and he felt i was blaming him for everything. he does try to understand and does loads to help relive my stress - eg, nearly always gets up with dd first in the morning, never has a lie in himslef at the weekend - he gets up with dd so i can have an extra couple of hours, give me a massage every night to help me sleep, encourages me to go out with friends in the evening so i get a break from being a mum. so he's not all bad, he absolutley hates seeing me so hysterical - cab't face it sometimes and has to leave the room and sometimes if i refuse to calm down when he tries to help, he can't take it and his frustrationa nd despair turns to anger. I'm feeling more and more sorry for him as i write this and should try to appreciate his efforts more..

OP posts:

Original poster

chuncksterboo · 24/10/2006 16:02

I'd appreciate hearing any opinions. thanks

OP posts:

lulumama · 24/10/2006 16:03

sounds like he gives you a lot of support...and if writing this has made you appreciate it,then great!

i would put it down to words said in anger,and don't dwell

everyone has an off day and when we row and lose our temper,,it all comes out!

lulumama · 24/10/2006 16:03

and maybe don't refuse to make up with him??

Original poster

chuncksterboo · 24/10/2006 16:06

I suppose i feel that he shouldn't lose his temper with me because of how i am and that fact i'm now on ad's. He knows it makes me feel worse for weeks so i wish he could control it, and when he can't i find it hard to deal with. surely other peoples's dh's don't say things like this or swear at their dw when angry?

OP posts:

Molton · 24/10/2006 16:06

Agree with Lulumama - wise words.

lulumama · 24/10/2006 16:10

I suppose i feel that he shouldn't lose his temper with me because of how i am

sorry..he cannot put his feelings aside and be 'robotic'..that is totally unrealistic ..but also ties in with why you would refuse to make up...

i know you are in a bad place...but he is entitled to have his feelings acknowledged too....especially as you know he hates seeing you hysterical...

i had PND too for 4 years..could not have asked DH to not lose his temper with me for 4 years..sounds like your DH is doing a great job of supporting you in lots of other ways...don;t ask the impossible of him..you are dooming him to fail....

Molton · 24/10/2006 16:10

It's really hard to never lose your temper with someone - esp in a stressful situation. My DH does (v occasionally) and swears then which I HATE and it always makes things 10X worse. It's nromally from frustration though.

lulumama · 24/10/2006 16:11

and yes...everyone i know swears ( to a greater or lesser degree) at their DH /DW if very angry..or says things they wouldn't usually say...

Original poster

chuncksterboo · 24/10/2006 16:33

I think i rfuse to make up because if i do i feel he'll think that whatever he did to cause me to be upset was ok and he'll do it again. therefore i feel the longer i'm angry with him to less likely he is do do whatever it is again

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lulumama · 24/10/2006 16:38

well,has it worked so far... or does he get more upset and frustrated.
you can't hold people to emotional ransom to get what you want and to change their behaviour

if my DH ignored me & refused to make up after a row, i would start to feel very resentful and less likely to change my behavior

no-one likes being backed into a corner

yes , you are depressed, you are fragile, you need support - but it doesn;t mean you can make people behave a certain way

anger is a very negative emotion- and holding onto it, especially when you are depressed is not a good idea...it will fester inside you and ultimately you will feel worse

clear the air, apologise to each other & start afresh...you have nothing to gain by holding grudges

i'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear..but this is just how i see it based on what you have said & my own experiences...

Monkeytrousers · 24/10/2006 16:50

Hmm, this is tricky. Tricky because people suffering from depression have a habit of blowing things about of proportion and also more to the point, because it's very difficult to live with someone like that who you feel you need to walk on eggshells with constantly.

Depression afflicts everyone around the sufferer and I know how hard it is, having been on both sides of the coin.

You get some support from yoru doctor and especially the ad's, perhaps friends and family too. Where is he getting support from?

The problem with depression, is that it is al about 'me, me, me' and if anyone seems to be being less than sympathetic or understanding then it's very easy to think of them as being selfish, when it's probably just bloody hard for them and they need a bit of a break from propping someone up constantly.

What I woudl say it, your mental health is your own responsibility and you need to take contro of your recovery. saying you'll start taking ad's till you tune out is quite typical abstaining behaviour actually, and depending on what kind of ad's you are on, it's also higly unlikely that you would tune out - there's no easy way out, all you can do is ride it until you come out of the other side; which you will as long as you remain disciplined and try not to fall into a pit of self pity too often. Please don't take that personally, it's the illness that makes you do this. Just keep remembering you can get back to normal but it takes time and effort.

Monkeytrousers · 24/10/2006 16:54

And forcing yourslef to think of others feelings and forgiving their weaknesses is crucial! Wwe often forget but partners often become carers in situations like this and thats a very hard thing to adjust to - some just find they can't and we shouldn't think any worse of them because of it.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 24/10/2006 17:05

chunckster - I totally understand what you are going through, but your DH is an adult and refusing to make up with him to "teach him a lesson", or use it as punishment is childish and will be utterly ineffective.

We all make mistakes - especially in the heat of the moment and I think you need to be a little more forgiving. It seems that both of you are under pressure here, and he is probably very worried about you because he loves you.

I know its hard to think about other peoples feelings right now, but, you need to try and step back a little.

Original poster

chuncksterboo · 24/10/2006 17:36

monkeytrousers - sorry but what do you by typical abstaining behaviour?

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charlyp · 24/10/2006 17:37

my husband rarely swears at me, when he does i really sit up cos I know he's pissed!! i probably swear at him more often but it seems to pass him by!! i think different people handle things in different ways and thats life

it sounds like you're having horrible time, and I feel badly for you, hopefully you will work your way through it, but you make it sound like because you are having a tough time he should accomodate your needs ahead of his own. I guess its just recognising that your DH is having to go through it with you, through no fault of his own, and sometimes he is probably frustrated and finds it difficult to deal with and has to deal with his own stuff.

My DH can't handle it when I am sick - he acts like theres nothing wrong or its all in my head, or not as bad as it is ... and of course it feels like he doesn't care or he's not taking my feelings into consideration, or belittling how I feel - but the bottom line is he just doesn't know how to deal with it because I am usually such a coper, and he can't handle me being different.

It sounds like you had a big spat and it has cleared the air but you have to let it go or you will feel worse for longer and the problems between you will escalate. Sometimes having a discussion about it somewhere neutral, outside the home makes it easier to have a balanced after the fact conversation

Monkeytrousers · 24/10/2006 17:57

Abstaining responsiblity - if you take so many tablets that you don't feel - that's what you're doing, and your DH would be right to be worried about you all if you did do that, or even that you are suggesting it. You are still a partnership, you still have to pull your weight. He can take up the slack for a while, but beleive me, no one is capable of doing it for long without cracking up themselves.

Monkeytrousers · 24/10/2006 18:07

I agree with everyone who has suggested counselling - it can be especially good while you are on ad's as it really helps you see the wood for the trees. But don't expect DH to go with you, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I know how hard this is believe me, but you can get through it

Original poster

chuncksterboo · 25/10/2006 13:57

thanks for all your comments. i know i should be grateful what what i have and realise that dh has feelings too and whereas i cry hysterically when i'm upset, he gets angry and shouts/swears at me from time to time. I know part of it is that he hates to see me unhappy - trouble is he gets so frustrated by it, he sometimes ends up making me worse

OP posts:

Monkeytrousers · 25/10/2006 20:20

I know, that's the viciuos cycle of depression. Keep reminding yourself that the way it makes you feel and react is not how you normally feel, it's the illness.

Is there maybe any way of letting him see this thread, or if you don't want him seeing your posts, cutting and pasting a few responses together and then talking about it together?

Original poster

chuncksterboo · 25/10/2006 21:37

I still have this underlying feeling that he shouldn't lose his temper with me because of how i am - and that we've talked countless times about how much his shouting and swearing upsets me. But when he 's really angry with me, he still shouts nad sometimes swears - doesn' t always walk away like we agreed was best. am i being unreasonable to expect this?

OP posts:

wannaBe1974 · 25/10/2006 22:16

yes you are being unreasonable.

Yes you are suffering from depression and it's a hell of a place to be, but that does not mean that your dh, your main supporter and cheerleader, should bottle up his emotions because it might upset youHe is taking care of you, he loves you and wants to be there for you, but who is taking care of him? ? In an ideal world he would walk away when things got too much, but he's human and he's going through it as well and he has the right to cry out sometimes that it's all getting too much. You are suffering your depression first hand but you are not the only one suffering, you need to think of him as well.

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