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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OW and ex ruined me...

87 replies

ilosteverything · 21/02/2015 15:18

Long story short. I have been separated from ex for 2 years due to affair with much younger girl. We have one DD aged 8.
I thought I was moving on, everything was getting better, I detached completely from them and went NC with ex. I have been getting counselling, been on antidepressants but generally was moving on.
I blamed ex for all but also OW as she kept lying about everything, she did not step back when I asked. When my ex and myself tried to reconcile at some point, she was still there, always ready for his moment of weakness. There were loads of horrible situations including me and my daughter catching them in bed or meeting her going out of our house, or her cruising in her car around my workplace with her friends. She never has shown any remorse, she was just laughing straight in my face and even said openly she cares only about her being happy with my ex.

Last week I met her by accident in the city. We had an argument and she was again laughing at me and saying that she has him now and doesn't care about my daughter suffering or mine. She was extremely rude. I've lost it and slapped her in the face. I do not remember actual hitting her but there is evidence I did. Everything was recorded on cctv and there apparently was a witness. She called the police and I walked away. I could not even recall the events properly.
I wasn't arrested and went to the police station couple of days later to explain I was provoked by someone responsible for breakdown of my marriage.

The result is that I am facing the prospect of being cautioned by police and the caution will go onto my criminal record. I am in full time employment that involves working with children. I know this will end my career instantly as I will have to disclose it to my employer and they will have to dismiss me. I do not even know how much time do I have to disclose it, or can I just leave work first to avoid further humiliation.
Ex asked her not to press charges but she refuses... she wants revenge. I met with her and apologised, still it is not enough...

I am going to solicitors on Monday to learn about any options. But it looks like I do not have many. Could anybody support me with any words of wisdom... I haven't been practically eating for a couple of days, cannot sleep, my child is distressed. Just waiting for my parents to come to take care of my girl. I cannot believe this is happening to me...

OP posts:

HellKitty · 22/02/2015 01:26

Just hand holding, I imagine your fear and worry are far worse than the outcome. Hard though it might seem now.

I do know of a head teacher who was found by the police drunk and asleep at the wheel of his car - parked up, he still has the same position. I think the circumstances and stress will work in your favour.

StrawberryMojito · 22/02/2015 02:15

I think the posters saying don't accept the caution because the police probably will not prosecute are being naive. The courts are full of this sort of thing. Provocation is not a defence. Ultimately you have assaulted someone who wishes to proceed with a complaint against you and it sounds like there is sufficient evidence. To be offered the caution you need to admit what you have done otherwise they may charge you. However, it potentially could be resolved by way of community resolution whereby you would write her a letter apologising or something similar for your actions. The police and her would have to be agreeable to this though.

When you are interviewed at the police station, take a solicitor with you. I would probably wait to see the CCTV evidence before talking to the police about the incident further especially as you say you can't remember doing it.

Please don't think I am unsympathetic, she sounds awful but I wanted to counter the advice that you should refuse the caution and it probably wouldn't be in the public interest to proceed with a court case. If you deny it despite strong evidence or admit it but refuse a caution you most likely will be charged and end up with a conviction at court who may impose court costs, fine etc. A solicitor will advise you properly.

Finally, do not approach her or say anything to her when you see her. If she is as vindictive as she sounds then she would probably love nothing more than to make a complaint of harassment against you. If you see her in the street, cross the road to avoid her. If you shouts abuse/threatens you, call the police and have it recorded as first case harassment. Two can play at this game.

Good luck, I hope you don't lose your job.

springydaffs · 24/02/2015 00:53

Yes, really hope this is sorted and she gets her comeuppance you keep your job. You have lot of heartfelt support (and excellent advice) on here

Hissy · 24/02/2015 07:44

Just adding my voice to your support, thinking of you.

Creeturefeeture · 24/02/2015 09:44

Personally, I believe that there's never any excuse for violence, no matter what the provocation, but I am sure you know this. If there were then all the DV that happens could be somehow 'justified' by provocation. Best of luck.

GlasgowParent · 24/02/2015 13:58

I wouldn't approach this woman again and definatley NOT offer her compensation.

Creeturefeeture · 24/02/2015 15:32

Victim blaming much

Flatwarmcoke · 24/02/2015 15:50

If you worked for me and this came to light, I'd make you a cup of tea and that would absolutely be the end of it.

NB I'm not condoning violence etc, but sometimes we all lose the run of ourselves. Fuck her, OP.

Flatwarmcoke · 24/02/2015 16:00

Oh yeah and re your thread title, you're not ruined. In years to come this will all be of no more relevance than a distant memory of when you stuck one on her. hang in there.

Creeturefeeture · 24/02/2015 16:13

No, we certainly do not ' all lose the run of ourselves'. It's called restraint. Some people have it.

freelanceconundrum · 24/02/2015 16:20

I would be interested in hearing her side of the story.

I think you are deeply distressed and traumatized. Your employer possibly knows that already. I'd have a chat and ask. As calmly as you can.

Madamecastafiore · 24/02/2015 16:55

I've worked in CAMHS op and we had nurses who were charged with DUI and assault and they managed to keep their jobs. The powers that be decided that on one occasion there were mitigating circumstances and on another the nurse had to have ongoing supervision but wasn't dismissed.

TracyBarlow · 24/02/2015 18:07

I was coming on to give the same advice as StrawberryMojito. This stuff is the bread and butter of magistrates' courts. Especially with CCTV evidence.

Whatever you do, make sure you seek legal advice and don't go to the police station without a solicitor.

I think your best bet would be to talk to your ex again and ask him to try to persuade her to accept an apology for the good of your daughter. An unemployed mother is not going to be in her best interests.

Eustasiavye · 24/02/2015 18:40

Can you distance yourself from the pair of them?

The less contact with them the better. He is an alcoholic so you have good grounds for your dd not to be around him for long.

In time you will thank her for doing you a massive favour and taking the twat off your hands.

Surround yourself with friends and avoid places where you may bump into either of them.

Good luck.

SelfLoathing · 24/02/2015 21:55

I think the posters saying don't accept the caution because the police probably will not prosecute are being naive. The courts are full of this sort of thing. Provocation is not a defence.

I'm not so sure about this - that not accepting the caution etc is naive I mean. The CPS have to meet a public interest test before they will prosecute and the background to this means you have a real shot at them forming a view that it isn't in the public interest.

You DO need a very good and experienced criminal solicitor though - who knows about how to negotiate with the CPS and persuade them to drop charges. It happens all the time that decisions are taken not to prosecute for public interest reasons.

BlackBettyBamALam · 24/02/2015 21:59

Thinking of you OP, hope it works out for you. The two of them sound like a right pair of fuckers.

Eekaman · 25/02/2015 22:31

Do NOT try to explain things to the police or even think about making a statement without legal representation. The police do not care about your situation and are only concerned with whether or not they can press charges against you via the CPS and video evidence / witness would suggest they do.

You must see a solicitor without delay. Fingers crossed.

differentnameforthis · 28/02/2015 01:12

If you worked for me and this came to light, I'd make you a cup of tea and that would absolutely be the end of it. And what if your employee was a male? Would you have the same attitude?

daisychain01 · 28/02/2015 05:03

differentname It is unhelpful to turn this into a political gender case study. The person who said that was talking about the OPs specific context - the distress of her marriage breaking down, her DD finding her Dad in bed with the OW who is a GF taunting her in the street!

What relevance is there in this thread to "and what if it were a man"? They just wanted the OP to be reassured that what she did in that situation was something they would be magnanimous about, and not sack her for. I'd say that is measured and intelligent in the circumstances

Timetoask · 28/02/2015 05:54

Op, I am sorry for what you are going through. This woman sounds awful with no heart or morals, one day she will suffer.
Good luck with everything.

differentnameforthis · 28/02/2015 07:31

daisychain01 It's not actually...the op was violent. She said she was provocated, and everyone (bar a few) are all poor you! Yet all over MN we tell people the there is never an excuse for violence.

It isn't political to say if this were man he wouldn't be treated the same. Regardless of what was happening in his background.

There is never an excuse for violence. No one has 'ruined' the op.

Clemfandangogogo · 28/02/2015 07:46

Get a solicitor and see the cctv before you decide what to do. It sounds like this woman is going out of her way to wind you up. But you have to think of your daughter and give her a wide berth from now on. If you see her then keep walking. Talk to friends and family in RL. Are there any family members who can mediate a bit between you?

Original poster

ilosteverything · 28/02/2015 10:00

Once again thank you everybody for support.
It is all finished now. The police visited me, I was interviewed and they eventually they decided give me a verbal warning, and closed the case. They accepted the fact it was provocation and she was abusive to me as well. I cannot find the words to describe how relieved and lucky I feel.

With regards to listening to her side of the story and the fact I was violent. Yes, I was, I am deeply ashamed of this. I have never been involved in anything like that, never ever hit anyone before. Not only that I have lost it and let anger take over, but because I am against any form of violence. It never sorts out anything, just makes things worse. I shouldn't have done it, not only because of the possibly catastrophic consequences but most importantly because of the fact that it was just wrong. I think the stress and shame that came as a result are the best punishment for me. Lesson learned.

OP posts:

Charlie97 · 28/02/2015 10:05

That's great news and in a very strange way 'every cloud has a silver lining', you've reached a massive crossroads now, you're over it and your life will now move on.

This horrendous event, has made you realise that a change in how you are dealing with things must happen. I'm not saying you were wrong/right in what happened, just that you must now live your life differently.

Take care of you and your DD, leave that pair to their own devices, sounds like the OW is a hideous person anyway, let your ex find that out for himself.

Now, you take you and DD off to do something wonderfully relaxing and fun today.

RedRoom · 28/02/2015 10:06

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread as I'm supposed to be going out in five mins but I couldn't read and not reply.

You're worrying so much about this, but your employer knows you and they will know that you are still fit to continue in your role. Working with children means you have to declare a caution, yes, but a caution doesn't mean an automatic sacking. Employers are given the facts by you and then make their decision. I'm a teacher and have worked with a teacher who had a caution, so clearly the nature of her offence didn't stop her getting and keeping work.

if I were hiring and firing and a candidate told me that they had a caution for slapping the mistress or something such as smoking cannabis at uni or being drunk in public, I know that I'd view that very differently to something that denotes dishonesty such as theft or fraud, or unprovoked aggression such as road rage.

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