OW and ex ruined me...

[ilosteverything]

Long story short. I have been separated from ex for 2 years due to affair with much younger girl. We have one DD aged 8.
I thought I was moving on, everything was getting better, I detached completely from them and went NC with ex. I have been getting counselling, been on antidepressants but generally was moving on.
I blamed ex for all but also OW as she kept lying about everything, she did not step back when I asked. When my ex and myself tried to reconcile at some point, she was still there, always ready for his moment of weakness. There were loads of horrible situations including me and my daughter catching them in bed or meeting her going out of our house, or her cruising in her car around my workplace with her friends. She never has shown any remorse, she was just laughing straight in my face and even said openly she cares only about her being happy with my ex.

Last week I met her by accident in the city. We had an argument and she was again laughing at me and saying that she has him now and doesn't care about my daughter suffering or mine. She was extremely rude. I've lost it and slapped her in the face. I do not remember actual hitting her but there is evidence I did. Everything was recorded on cctv and there apparently was a witness. She called the police and I walked away. I could not even recall the events properly.
I wasn't arrested and went to the police station couple of days later to explain I was provoked by someone responsible for breakdown of my marriage.

The result is that I am facing the prospect of being cautioned by police and the caution will go onto my criminal record. I am in full time employment that involves working with children. I know this will end my career instantly as I will have to disclose it to my employer and they will have to dismiss me. I do not even know how much time do I have to disclose it, or can I just leave work first to avoid further humiliation.
Ex asked her not to press charges but she refuses... she wants revenge. I met with her and apologised, still it is not enough...

I am going to solicitors on Monday to learn about any options. But it looks like I do not have many. Could anybody support me with any words of wisdom... I haven't been practically eating for a couple of days, cannot sleep, my child is distressed. Just waiting for my parents to come to take care of my girl. I cannot believe this is happening to me...

The lady at the police told me that the case can be dropped when they got my side of the story, my official statement. But I am afraid that if they have cctv evidence of that slap and possibly a witness, they might not be able to drop it, no matter how sympathetic they are with me. I offered meeting with her and to apologise publicly, and compensation, but I am sure she will refuse.

Re being sacked off straight away. We had child protection training just after Xmas and it was clearly said that rules have become more strict, you have to disclose now even the fact of house share with somebody who was convicted! And it can lead to dismissal!

I know you are very worried about this, but all is not lost.

I am so sorry you have had so much to deal with. They both sound utterly vile.

I understand that because you work with children you are worried about losing your job but that might not be the case. If you work in a school or something there may be procedures that need to be followed but it may not mean that you lose your job. I doubt anyone hearing what has happened to you would have anything but sympathy for you. If you worked at my daughter's school I would want you to keep your job and I doubt I would be alone in that view.

I think it might help you to find out if your employer does need to follow any procedures if you accept a caution or if it depends entirely on your employer's view of it. Do you have a good relationship, is it something you feel you could talk about off the record as it were. Are they aware of your marital situation. Maybe Citizen's Advice could help in some way.

Please don't leave your job to "avoid further humiliation" you have done nothing to feel humiliated about. I hope everything works out okay for you.

Ah cross post. Good that you have a lot of support at the school. Is there any possibility that one of your colleagues could have a chat with your head, no names mentioned, and find out what the procedure would be if anyone received a caution and if the reason for the caution made a difference.

If you work in a school you should always be in a union - either a teaching one or Unison or TGWU depending on what you do.

Join one NOW before the caution as they will be able to help you but won't be able to afterwards

But really it depends also on what your job involves if the caution will affect your role or not

I think its best not to accept the caution anyway. At least then youve got a chance of not being prosecuted. And I'd be a bit wary of the CCTV until you've seen it.

Do you have emails/text messages - anything that will help you prove she's been harassing you?

Could you approach ex again to help? Is he paying correct maintenance or could you needing to go to Csa to get full correct amount of maintenance in the event of losing your job appeal to his "better nature"?

I think you need proper, professional, legal advice as what to do for the best here.

Re being sacked off straight away. We had child protection training just after Xmas and it was clearly said that rules have become more strict, you have to disclose now even the fact of house share with somebody who was convicted! And it can lead to dismissal!

OP - I know a little bit about this stuff. You are correct but you also don't have or aren't remembering all of it.

• it has always been the case that a caution does NOT automatically stop you from working in a school. If a caution shows up on your DBS it is up to the school to decide whether to employ you or not, based on a risk assessment, as a PP said.
• The rules have not actually become more strict, it's just that now the authorities are cracking down on schools implementing them. In theory everyone should have been following the rules since 2009 regarding "Disqualification"
• You are disqualified from working with children if you have been cautioned or found guilty (etc) of committing a crime against a child, if your own children have been taken into care. if you have committed certain crimes against an adult (and a couple of other things not relevant here).
• the "certain" crimes against an adult are things like rape, indecent assault, murder, gross bodily harm. e.g. crimes of a very violent and/or sexual nature. Unless you are spectacularly unlucky and manage to get charged or cautioned with something like this for a simple slap on the cheek, you will be fine. The school can't dismiss you for minor midemeanors - for example we have a woman at our school who has a caution for "inciting racial hatred" - basically she shouted some nasty things at someone who was getting (and I quote) "up in her friend's face" in a pub one night. She is still employed by us and it would be inappropriate (illegal even) for her to have lost her job over that.
• and here is the interesting and important bit. The unions and the head teachers' associations and the ISI, the ISC and a whole bunch of people have got a hold of this issue and are NOT happy. There are talks going on right now apparently with the DfE, Ofsted and members of the education profession. I would not be the least bit surprised if the regulations or their application are amended or revoked before the end of the Spring Term.

Sorry for the epic post!

Thank you everybody for all the support.
Big thanks to HeartsTrumpDiamonds ... so there is a glimmer of hope.
I only wish that my school is tolerant enough...

You've had a tough time of it for sure. I know I personally would have really struggled to control myself in the same situation. Doesn't make it right but it is understandable, given the pressure you have been under. Be kind to yourself this weekend.

I work in a school with somebody who was bound over to keep the peace.
There is hope you won't lose your job.

There's definitely hope - make sure you get a union who can provide legal advice for free as its a work related issue but HeartsTrumpsDiamonds is totally right it depends on the school, on your position and that when it comes down to it its a minor offence

chin up!

She does sound a poisonous bitch

Its quite simple - you tell your ex that if you don't have a job (as a result of the caution), his maintenance will have to go up.

op i am so sorry .but you are correct if you work with children you must disclose and it will probably be instant dismissal .can u imigine if parents found out a teacher had been cautioned for assault . i would try to a bit of emotional blackmail with the ex hubby .if you get convicted you loose your job he will have to stump up more money in maintenance and have less to spend on his fancy women .maybe if she think he will have less she may forget it .i know its not nice but well desperate times and all that . what sort of man would stand by and let her upset his child

aprilanne - it doesn't matter what other parents think.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds has posted more accurate information above.

I also know about this, and HTD is correct. Though if I were doing the risk assessment. I would be cautious where the offence involved slapping someone. But your headteacher knows you, and if s/he is supportive, then I think you will be ok.

But yes
Join a union pdq
See solicitor
Don't accept caution
Try get police to drop it

This might not be much consolation but I've worked with 1 or 2 colleagues who had cautions etc. I work with children and they were not dismissed.

That women sounds like a piece of work! I agree with what everyone else has said. I really hope this is resolved positively for you

ilost ive not read all thread, i just wanted to say i have employed staff with a crb/DBS trace based on their honesty, if they tell me first before i run a check im relieved and impressed with honesty. I also have a heart, if you told me what you experienced id give you a chance!
Good luck, im sure youll be fine

Hearts has given excellent advice above.

Can you get a restraining order or whatever they are called against her? Prevent this happening again.

As you are on ADs, has your GP got a record of the MH problems you have faced since the split with your ex and because of the situation with your ex? GPs don't just hand out ADs so an assessment of your MH must have been done.

It may help to get a professional to provide a report for you so I would also consider speaking to your GP.

Don't offer her compensation, it admits guilt and the law is far more complex than that.

They both sound like sh*ts but your ex is nasty and unfeeling and selfish to put you and your DD through this, especially after sleeping with OW and being seen by you both. They sound disgusting and not worthy of your rage.

Oh OP nothing practical to add but I think you have actually been far more restrained than I and many others would have been given everything this pair of scumbags have put you through.

Agree with DrownedGirl re the things to do. I hope that this sorts for you. If it does I would look into getting some sort of restraining order against her coming near you?

OP - any employer would look at the circumstances around the caution / conviction.

I know of a case where a murderer is working with vulnerable people.

However, the circumstances are that her boyfriend came at her with a knife after beating her to a pulp, she got hold of the knife and stabbed him. She pleaded guilty and went to jail, but even the judge apologised for sending her to jail but it was the law. We got reports from her probation officer and the circumstances of the conviction even came up on her CRB check saying there were extenuating circumstances.

It's probably better to tell your employer sooner rather than later though - do you have an understanding manager who you can speak to? If not, tell them as soon as you know for certain that you're being charged /cautioned so they can't say that you withheld information.

HTH, PM me if you need any further info (I worked in HR for 10 years and was a CRB signatory).