just sounding off.

[woodentrees]

Have posted before but got slated for my inaction. Always think it will improve and of course...
Recently I have become a bully. I'm not sure how or why but that would appear to be the case. Apparently I always know best. There isn't a day goes by when I don't call him stupid.
I never call him stupid, although I do occasionally use numpty, because despite the fact that we are frequently called bitches and cunts, he doesn't like being called names.
We got into trouble last week for putting all something away. This is bullying because when we put it away, we are aware that it hurts him to have to reach down and get it (he has a physical disability). We are aware of this, but he'd gone to bed, and we thought it would be okay because said item would be back in place before he got up. Only he got up earlier than expected. I spend most of my day apologising. Yesterday because I had said something about my mother not being able to make friends and that reminds him he has no friends. Today I said something about weight loss but that reminds him he's fat (he isn't) and it's all a dig at him because I'm not sensitive enough or aware enough of this. I also got into trouble for not giving him a hug as soon as I walked in (went out for a walk which was longer than usual so knew I'd be in trouble one way or another). I'm always in trouble, I can't get anything right. I didn't get him to his dentist appointment last month due to dd being ill, and hadn't got around to making another, apparently his teeth weren't as bad then as they are now and that's my fault. I haven't got a heavy item in from the garage, he knew it wouldn't happen. I got into trouble this evening and do you know what, I'm not sure what for, he just told me he was offering advice which I never take and I'm stubborn and don't listen and don't back down and always have to be right. I'm confused that's for sure.
I had counselling last year, it really helped me stand up to him, but that's all slipped again. I'm so tired, I don't sleep properly, he wakes me up in the night and I have night sweats so a combination of the two makes it hellish. I cry every single day. He never lets up, it's fucking relentless and yet because he's ill, mentally and physically, I don't feel I can do anything. I can't throw him out, he has nowhere to go and needs full time care, although not as much as he thinks, if you see what I mean. There are things he doesn't do that he could do. Things he makes much of, which are nothing.

Are you a bully .... someone who deliberately and consistently sets out to make others feel bad in order to derive self esteem and a sick pleasure..... or are you a person living under intolerable stress who occasionally snaps?

You seem to think you have no options but to keep this angry unpleasant man in your life because he has health problems. That's a choice you're making but it sounds like a poor choice.

In all honesty, I don't think I'm a bully. I rarely snap. I'm too scared of him. He doesn't every give up. He wouldn't lay a finger on us, but we're all scared of him. His moods dictate everything and we're all scared of him. We do things in the house through fear: 'tidy the sofa in case dad comes down, make sure there's a clear surface in the kitchen, is the backroom okay, you know what he's like, and so on. Things that are not perfect, but acceptable to us aren't to him. I do talk to dd's (18) and they don't think it's me. They assure me it's him. I don't really know what to do.

You can kick him out. He is a cunt of the highest order and you are not his slave.

I think he is the bully here. Have you contacted Women's Aid?

Who is he calling 'bitches and cunts'? You and your DDs?

When you're living in fear you are the victim of abuse. Sadly, if you've had years of this kind of treatment and if you believe you are rspinsible for him, you'll probably find it very difficult to reject him and make a better life for yourself.

I'd strongly recommend you get some information and start thinking about independence. Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 are there to help female victims of male abuse and can give you advice and reassurance. Legal advice can also be very useful.

Thank you. It's reassuring to see that I'm not thinking in some sort of skewed fashion. I have Phd ffs. I'm intelligent and articulate and spend a great deal of time fighting quietly for others. But as you pointed out, I've had over twenty years of this, although it wasn't always as obvious as this or as bad as this.
It scares me though, he can make me look bad, he has a nurse and he sings my praises to him so that if I dare say anything I look terrible. He can make me look decidedly odd/unhinged/angry. Counselling helped with that for a while. I need to learn to detach again, not engage. He's fantastically intelligent and talented, and that comes out when he wants it too, it's useful to him because people think he's fabulous and fascinating. I look like the one that makes all the decisions, like the one who 'wears the trousers' in the relationship, but I'm not, it just looks like it.

Are you married and what is the house situation?

Married. No mortgage. Joint names.
I paid the deposit and paid off the mortgage, don't know if that would make any sort of difference.

You seem resigned to the idea that separation is not an option. It's a pretty poor state of affairs, not to say ineffective, when the only way you can tolerate day to day life with this person is to have repeated courses of therapy. Your problems are not internal but external by the sounds of it. If you weren't subjected to constant stress and fear, your mental health would probably be as normal as anyone else's.

Are you sticking it out until he dies?

cogito, I really don't want to. I want to find a way that's right for everyone. If I told him to go, well apart from the fact he wouldn't, he'd probably do something stupid, although not serious. I am sort of thinking about some sort of sheltered housing. It's hard. I want a life, I"m getting on but I want to go out without having to pay for it when I get back. I want to cook just one meal at night. I want to be able to watch crap on the television without somebody being patronising about intellectual capabilities. I sound really bloody selfish, don't I. But I've had over twenty years of looking after others and there's never anyone there when I want someone. I've been ill and in pain the last week but because he's never learnt to drive I still had to shop, cook, clean and ferry. I"m tired too. Sorry to whine.

What would happen if you ignored him and stopped doing all that for him? Surely he would have to go somewhere else to live and be cared for?

There won't be a solution that works for everyone. If you aim for that, you're setting yourself up for failure. It won't come naturally to you, I can see that, but you really have to put yourself first here. What's going to work for you is your top priority and he'll simply have to make the best of it. Reap what he has sowed.

If you were hit by a bus tomorrow do you think he would sink without trace?

What a waste of your life - you refuse to leave him but are clearly utterly miserable. Why martyr yourself in this relationship. You won't get a medal for staying.

Woodentrees, it is not too late to make a life for yourself. There could be a half way solution? Why not find a six month let somewhere close. If you are still providing 35 hours care you can can claim Carers Allowance and maybe Housing Benefit? This could be temporary whilst full care arrangements are put in place
I knew someone who carried a very heavy burden as a Carer and it was expected by everyone including herself that her husband who had Alzheimers would die first. She had dreams and plans set aside for her future but she died suddenly before him.

Actually it may not be possible for you to claim HB because of your joint property but you should look into it? You need to move out for the sake of your mental health. Why not phone one of the Carers charities helpline and see if they can advise on your situation.

Woodentress, can you book a holiday of two weeks away from your husband? You need a break and it will give you thinking time.

Wooden trees. You are not a bully, you are not selfish. You have clearly devoted a large proportion of your life to caring for your husband. Sadly your husband is abusive.

What's worse is that you don't really want to leave him as I wonder if you have not recognised that he is deeply abusive and with that brings a pattern of behaviour from the abuser - which keeps the victims trapped.

The behaviour is mr nasty/me nice.

Once he senses he has been too nasty, starts to feel you backing away from him emotionally or otherwise he starts being nice again to reel you back in. The victim really wants the abuser to stay mr nice so she does everything she can to keep him nice. This is where the walking on eggshells starts because the victim is afraid one little thing will set him off.

Please please do not subject yourself to this man for the rest if your life. You don't owe him anything, his disability is not your fault and you have helped him with it.

You say he has good attributes, intelligence etc but most people do. It doesn't give them the right to abuse their partners and make their daily life a living hell.

woodentrees you do not deserve this and you don't have to live with it. This is your life. Are you going to continue to live it until one of you dies? What is it teaching your Dcs about relationships? He is the bully, not you. good luck!

Once he senses he has been too nasty, starts to feel you backing away from him emotionally or otherwise he starts being nice again to reel you back in. The victim really wants the abuser to stay mr nice so she does everything she can to keep him nice. This is where the walking on eggshells starts because the victim is afraid one little thing will set him off.
This is so true.

I do want to him to go. I'm not sure how to go about it. I will find out, it may take me a while.

'Husband. I am no longer willing to be your carer. Please make other arrangements. This will mean you moving out of course. Thanks'.

Keep trying to talk, get shouted down, apparently I have all the power. He stormed off to bed on Sunday, I did tell him how badly behaved he was after he said he hated me, and how awful his behaviour is and I was pretty damned harsh. I slept downstairs. Tried talking to him yesterday, but I'm just a vicious nasty person who wants nothing more than to get rid of him.
Today he woke me up at 4am. He can't do pain quietly, he offered to sleep downstairs and I said yes, it was a trap and I got a diatribe about how he wasn't going to do it every night. Later he just says, oh it's the pills. He brought me coffee in bed at half seven, a very rare occurance and he has been quiet and pleasant until I said we needed to talk. Apparently that's stirring up a hornets nest and we'd be better off going for a nice walk together in the woods. He can't walk in the woods, he can barely walk. He is trying to show how nice he can be and we don't need to talk about it. So again, all conversation shut down. Everything on his terms. We do need to talk, this being pleasant thing will not be consistent. I'm sitting here crying, again and trying to work out where I'm being unreasonable because he says my conversations are unpleasant and I'm unkind.

Just because he says you are a 'vicious nasty person' you don't have to believe it. However, if you've already been cast as the villain you might want to consider using it to your advantage. I don't think you're going to be able to rationalise or compromise with your husband if he will only converse on his terms, if he is manipulative, and if he's only content with insulting and upsetting you the rest of the time. You can't reason with someone who is unreasonable.

This is why lawyers earn their money.

I'd suggest you need three types of support. Moral, legal and practical. Have you confided in anyone what is happening the way you are doing here? Because you need moral support and people on your side to counteract the shit you're getting at home. Legal advice is essential. Practical support for things like accommodation, money, etc.

Thank you Cogito, I am listening, honestly. I only have dds here. They know. One wants divorce, the other doesn't want to talk about it but is pleased she's away at the weekends! I don't have anyone to talk to, he's made sure of that over twenty odd years! I can get out to shops etc. so will maybe try to sort out a quick legal consultation in town next week.
Thank you for your support, it means something knowing someone is taking note of what I'm feeling and not dismissing it.

So, tonight, we're aggressive and difficult again. DD asked if he wanted to watch a film with her. It's for school and quite difficult. He said No. She said well I need to watch it soon. He had said he'd watch it with her, but not when. She's left it as late as possible. Apparently she has no empathy. It's a depressing film and he is depressed. It really is, and her timing was a bit off, but she's 18 and has Asperger Syndrome. He's stomped off to bed rattling on about how I'm normalising her bad behaviour, she doesn't respect him, he's done tons to help her with her homework and we all gang up on him.
I'm going to ask his nurses to try to get him into hospital when they come later in the week, this paranoia is too much.
Sorry, I need somewhere to get this out.