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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is this normal.

32 replies

playbunnyk · 20/02/2015 16:23

I am in a seriously bad situation. I don't even know where to start.
I have 3 children. 2 from a previous relationship and one from my current. He's only 8 months old. Before I found out I was pregnant Me and my partner were not getting on brilliantly.
I told him I was pregnant and he was over the moon. So happy he was going to be a dad. Even though I had massive doubts about him actually being a great dad and adjusting to the lifestyle. I told him a couple of days after that I was scared because I had two kids already and was worried about what having 3 would be like. He went crazy. Told me to get rid of the baby and that I was the same as all his ex girlfriends because ones of them had an abortion. I was devastated. He then came to my house and said if I don't keep the baby he will kill himself because he has nothing to live for. We had a massive row and since then have not been the same.
Throughout my pregnancy is felt he wasn't there for me. Even though I am horrible when I'm pregnant I'm sure it wasn't all me. Giving birth he was brilliant, we was there for me every step of the way and I couldn't have done it without him.

Now since baby has been born it's got worse. We had a family day out where I got up at 7 am to get all the kids and a 3 week old baby ready to go out all day and stay away over night. He got up at 12 had a shower, then decided to scream at me because I wasn't ready to go out the door when he was. He shouted so loud it made my baby cry. He called me a selfish cunt and made me cry all while my other two kids were watching. Then when I asked him why he said it's my fault and I wind him up. Seriously?? I had a baby 3 weeks before but he says that's just an excuse.

It's got worse as baby has got older. He complaints I don't let him do anything with the baby but when it's bedtime he sits and watches the tele. Then when I ask him to do it I get told to shut my noise.

The final straw came last week when he decided to remind my 12 year old that his real dad doesn't want him, because my 12 year old gave him a bit of attitude. I wouldn't have it and yes I did start to shout. He called me a whore

OP posts:
gatewalker · 20/02/2015 16:25

No, this is not normal, playbunnyk. Please leave. And if you're having a hard time deciding whether it's normal, please see if you can get some support in the way of Women's Aid, counselling or therapy.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 20/02/2015 16:27

You know this isn't normal, don't you? He's abusive. He blackmailed you into having his baby because, in his head, you can never get rid of him. You're in an abusive relationship and he's abusing your children too. Abuse isn't just violence, it can be emotional too. Is he living in your house?

www.womensaid.org.uk

0808 2000 247

Original poster
playbunnyk · 20/02/2015 16:28

He told I'm a a bad mum and that he brought the car and cooker and oven and paid for holiday and I would have nothing without him.

Is this normal? Is it actually my fault because I wind him up? I'm no angel but I really don't start these arguments. He says I start when I stick up for myself or my kid. Sometimes I just say nothing because I know that if I do he will start to shout and tell me I made him like it.

I don't know what to do at all. He says I have post natal depression and thinks it's funny. I don't think I have. I Do love him but I can't carry on like this. Has anyone else ever had this happen and what did you do to get through it?

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/02/2015 16:29

Oh god no, not normal at all. From the nasty emotional blackmail when you were having a very normal wobble when first pregnant, to verbally abusing you in front of your dcs :(

He is a nasty man and he's damaging your children.

It's really common for abuse to start when the woman is pregnant, because she's more dependant on her partner and less likely to leave.

Esssss · 20/02/2015 16:29

This is definitely not normal! As pp said, please leave. For your own sake but also for your poor kids - they are growing up seeing this abuse, will they think this is a normal relationship?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/02/2015 16:29

It's not normal. That you're asking if it's normal is a concern in itself because it means your judgement is being manipulated.... probably by repeat exposure to some truly appalling, abusive behaviour. As the behaviour seems to cycle between good and bad, I think your safety is at risk. I'd be very worried what a man who threatened suicide would do if he thought you were going to dump him, for example.

So please so what is necessary to get this malignant person out of your life. But please stay safe

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/02/2015 16:31

Why would anyone thing postnatal depression is funny?! What a vile man.

You'll have everything without him. You'll be able to be a brilliant mum without him bringing you down. He will have to pay maintenance towards the baby and you will be fine.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/02/2015 16:32

Women's Aid can be reached on 0808 2000 247. I feel especially sorry for your older children seeing you being abused by this disgusting man and being unable to help you.

Original poster
playbunnyk · 20/02/2015 16:33

No he works away and has a place in London where he stays a couple of nights a week. He says it's my fault because I don't appreciate him but I even had his baby to show him how much I love and appreciate him and it's made no difference.
I know sometimes I start, I realise that but also doing most of the work bringing up 3 boys on my own about 4 nights a week isn't easy. I get stressed. I call him things when he's called me stuff but I don't ever insult him like he does me xx

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 20/02/2015 16:34

You've been a single mother before and you've managed. Don't put up with someone treating you like this, you don't need him and you've already shown that you're perfectly able to care for your children without him. PLEASE give women's aid a call. He's abusive.

CurlyWurlyCake · 20/02/2015 16:34

Oh no not normal at all.

Sad

Do you have family you can talk to?

Quitelikely · 20/02/2015 16:34

This man is very abusive. Your children are witnessing and being subjected to emotional abuse.

I feel so sorry for you. You have just given birth and you are at your most vulnerable. He ought to be taking care of you right now. It's the least you deserve.

Have you got any family nearby?

Is the house in your name?

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 20/02/2015 16:35

A typical abuser always blames someone else. None of this is your fault. Pack his bags, throw them out and don't open the door. If he tries to get in, call the Police.

Original poster
playbunnyk · 20/02/2015 16:36

I'm told him to leave last week and he has. Now he's messaging saying how I should just let him move forward in his life and how I'm in denial and it's all me and I'm just upset now I have nothing.
I really think he has a problem. He's not always like it. Sometimes he's the most lovely caring man you will ever meet. It's just devastating

OP posts:
Esssss · 20/02/2015 16:36

Be strong and re-read your post, imagining your best friend or sister wrote it. It might give you the perspective to see that you really are in an abusive and manipulated relationship. There's no way you'd advise your best friend or sister to stay so apply the same logic to yourself. I know it's scary but you've got to be proactive and take control over this situation. Take care x

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/02/2015 16:37

All abusers are lovely some of the time :( otherwise no one would get in a relationship with them.

Kee going. Stay single. You'll be ok.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/02/2015 16:38

His problem is that he's abusive.

bettyboop1970 · 20/02/2015 16:40

He's the problem, not you. Don't let him back, he's an abusive twat and you will soon be relieved that he's gone. I bet your kids are glad too.

Original poster
playbunnyk · 20/02/2015 16:43

Thing is if any of you guys met me you would see I'm a very strong woman who has run my own business and won't take shit from anyone. I don't understand why I have put up with this. It's because I love him I think. And the fact he's right in a way. Without him I will have no car no nice things and no holidays and be totally stuck. But I'm starting to think that may be a better option other than arguing all the time.

OP posts:
bettyboop1970 · 20/02/2015 16:45

Apply for cm and check out what benefits you're entitled to.

cabbageandgravy · 20/02/2015 16:47

Some people just have such a desperate need for the other person to seem to be 'in the wrong' because of their own inadequacies. All their energy goes into twisting things round to make it look like you are in the wrong. They might not even know they are doing it. I don't think just showing them more love can stop them behaving like this, unfortunately, it is too deeply ingrained. It sounds absolutely miserable and no-one should have to put up with being treated this way, you are right to want him gone from the sounds of it.

Original poster
playbunnyk · 20/02/2015 16:47

Is it really selfish to say also I hate being lonley? I like a cuddle and I like being looked after. But not having it used against me after?

OP posts:
Original poster
playbunnyk · 20/02/2015 16:48

I just wish it was that easy.... I know from the outside it seems like it is but it isn't xx

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 20/02/2015 16:50

Of course it's a better option. You and your children don't deserve to be treated this way. I doubt there's many women who haven't got sucked in by one of these, I know I have, so you're not alone. You don't have to live this way.

Quitelikely · 20/02/2015 16:50

It's ok to miss him. He does have a nice side but because he is abusive it overshadows everything and grounds you down overtime.

Where is he staying?

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