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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found boyfriend in bed with someone else

47 replies

ReturnofSaturn · 20/02/2015 15:09

So been living in Canada since last June. Met and started seeing a canadian guy in July I think it was. So been with him 7/8 months. Totally in love with him. He did all the chasing etc

I Recently moved to the next town about a 40 min drive away. For some reason last night after work, I had a feeling I had to go there and see him (hadn't seen him in a week)
Got there to his housing unit , knocked in his bedroom door, he in bed with someone else.

Absolutely in total shock. And heartbroken. Thought he was so in love with me. And we were planning stuff for fucks sake.
Don't know why I'm posting. I'm ducking devastated.

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 20/02/2015 15:17

That must have been a nightmare situation,but right now there is nothing anyone can say to you r that will make you believe you are well out of out.

[flowers[

Nomama · 20/02/2015 15:37

Well, there is a positive side... the girl he was in bed with will have torn a strip off him too (assuming it was a girl).

And you only invested a few months in him.

Spend the weekend being devastated, and start a new diet on Monday morning... or get a haircut... or a new dress... pet cat???

hotcupofjoe · 20/02/2015 15:43

Wait, what? The way to deal with being hurt by a man is to diet and spend our hard-earned money and time and mental effort on making ourselves more ornamental to men? WTF? How are those activities nourishing and actually of real value to the OP?

OP, I'm very sorry. You must be in shock because actually walking in is going to cause a pretty visceral reaction. Do you have friends and RL support there?

Nomama · 20/02/2015 15:47

I think the added suggestion of a pet cat might tell you it was not a serious suggestion... as weebirdie said, nothing anyone else can say will be of much help at the moment.

But a daft suggestion or two might raise a wobbly smile!

Mrsteddyruxpin · 20/02/2015 15:50

Be glad you were only months into it. Thank god for instinct. Have you anyone in real life that can support you op ?

Bogeyface · 20/02/2015 15:57

I often get a whole new hairstyle when I have split up with someone, I think its symbolic of moving on from the old to the new for me. Looking good can help you feel good, especially after being treated like shit, so not that daft a suggestion.

Thank your stars you found out now what he is like, allow yourself to feel the hurt, but ultimately I am sure you will feel better without him.

OnceUponATimeAgain · 20/02/2015 16:13

"the way to deal with being hurt by a man is " to do something nice for yourself! haircut, nice dress, a cat - whatever makes YOU feel better!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/02/2015 16:20

Sorry you've had such a nasty shock. Hope you have friends or family to talk to and be with.

Drumdrum60 · 20/02/2015 17:06

Well thank goodness you found out now. He probably loves you too. It thinks he's entitled to OW. As in if you don't find out then it's ok. Don't continue seeing him. Obviously. You have no need to.

Original poster
ReturnofSaturn · 20/02/2015 17:15

Yes luckily my brother is here too. He came and picked me up. Yes it was a pretty nightmare situ to walk into

OP posts:
OvertiredandConfused · 20/02/2015 18:09

Happened to me twice (different guys). First time I was very young and, I am ashamed to say, I did the "pick me" dance. He did but then I didn't want him! Second time was mid twenties and I just walked away with my dignity and not a backward glance. Hurt like hell but I knew it was better at that stage than later.

Allow yourself to wallow for a while then move on. Do whatever you enjoy. Make sure you get out lots. If you have mutual friends, don't make it a drama but don't cover for him either.

It will get better I promise.

rosiepinkcheeks · 20/02/2015 18:51

Just wanted to say I am sorry you had such a nasty and heartbreaking shock. I would just say try to be thankful you have found out his true colours 7 months (and not 7 years two kids) down the line.

ShitHotAwesome · 20/02/2015 18:54

Glad you've got your brother there.
You are clearly well rid and at least you have no doubts about what happened - he has no chance to lie his way out of it.

Hope that you will begin to heal soon. Be nice to yourself. Stay warm!

Original poster
ReturnofSaturn · 20/02/2015 23:51

Thanks for replies.
To the person who mentioned intuition. It was indeed strange. I hadn't seen him for a week and had no plan whatsoever to see him last night. Especially as I had been really sick the last couple of days. But I finished work, utterly shattered and sick and jumped up and was like 'I gotta go there tonight to see him'

We had been communicating by email for a while, and just the last few days only I'd picked up on a slight change in his emails. They were slightly shorter and didn't say he loved me/missed me like he shears did. Coupled with the fact he wasn't seeming to make such an effort to come out and see me.

I expected to go there and probably have words but shit I was not expecting that though. Think my stomach dropped to my feet Hmm

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 21/02/2015 00:03

Intuition should never ever be ignored.

When asked how I knew he was cheating with no evidence whatsoever I said "I just know" and I was right.

They may lie, they may blame shift, they may say you are paranoid/mental/whatever, but if your heart and head are telling you that something is wrong, then it is. Trust yourself above everyone else.

Original poster
ReturnofSaturn · 21/02/2015 00:27

Well apparently I'm too far away (in the next town) and he wasn't having luck finding a job where I'am .

The thing I'm most upset about is when he opened his bedroom door to me he was a total cunt, I got ''why are you here, go away'' um sorry but seeing as I'm supposed to be your girlfriend thought I was quite welcome to drop by and see my boyfriend!
Obviously threw the gap on the door I had already clocked the girl, it's a small bedroom.
It too me a good couple of goes of calmly asking him to step out into the kitchen and give me the dignity of a brief explanation.

Have to laugh, he had seemingly busted his knee the night before and was on crutches and when I asked who she was etc I got 'she's a friend' and 'she's helping me with my knee' and 'she's been there for me''!

Yeh bet she has.... I asked him how long he been sleeping with her as has nothing to gain with lying now. He said a day or so which I do believe is the truth but that is irrelevant really.
And that was it, spoke with him probably less than a minute, pretty proud (and surprised) of myself for keeping my calm and dignity. And then I just walked out his door without a backward glance.
Hmm Hurts like hell today.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 21/02/2015 01:07

Imagine what happened to you as a film.

Someone nice, say.....Carey Mulligan, thats you. Imagine her doing what you did as if you were watching a film. How would you feel? Sad? Yes, for her but also you would be thinking "Yes! You go girl, keep your dignity, and move on!"

Thats you that is :)

peacoat · 21/02/2015 01:42

I had a similar situation.

It's awful. We all know he's a prick and you deserve better.

What helped me in the long run is not getting revenge - but behaving to my own standards. I so wanted to throw his phone into the canal, but i posted to to him, because I have to live with myself.

Yes to pp - keep your dignity and move on.

FatSwan · 21/02/2015 01:53

I'm not a man, but on behalf of Canadians, I'm sorry for his shitty behaviour Flowers

You're better than him and you handled it beautifully.

Original poster
ReturnofSaturn · 21/02/2015 03:50

Think it was the shock of the moment that got me through calmly and with some dignity. I was too stunned to be anything else.

OP posts:
FatSwan · 21/02/2015 04:09

Believe me when I say that not everyone handles that situation well not speaking from experience, oh no

You dodged a bullet, but understandably it still hurts.

Onwards and upwards to you Wine

VenusRising · 21/02/2015 04:31

Saturn, from one planet to another, I hope all is well with you.

Please don't think its too horrible for me to suggest you have a STD check.
You never know, this casual hookups might be a regular thing for him....

So glad you have your bro there for you.

Original poster
ReturnofSaturn · 21/02/2015 05:40

Thanks Venus and no I don't take offence at the sexual health check suggestion. It had crossed my mind to do it. I did have one a few months ago which was clean, I guess, as they never got back to me with any 'results'
I feel so sad Hmm

OP posts:
hesterton · 21/02/2015 05:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 21/02/2015 06:32

Wow sounds like you handled that amazingly well. Thanks