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Original poster

How can I get my marriage back to remotely 'happy'

33 replies

Mrsteddyruxpin · 20/02/2015 12:22

I have been married for a few years. I admit I settled for a good kind man but we never had much spark and didn't dtd until we were engaged. I regret this as I always feel inhibited now as he is very straight laced. Lights off, doesn't deviate from the norm. I get bored so can't be bothered.

I have never told him but I had amazing relationships in that way before. I just feel it has never got off the ground. He thinks dtd is common sense (ie. How you do it) and strict Catholic. Didn't want to get me pregnant etc.

Now we are in a rut as we never go out either. I feel my life is over. I am so unhappy. He calls me mum. He said 'love you mummy' last night.

He is doing nothing wrong. I won't leave and don't intend to but I have already hurt him by saying I am bored and there is no chemistry. I want to sort this out.

I am so horrible :(

Has anyone sorted this type of problem out.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 20/02/2015 12:31

Please tell me you have children and that's why he called you 'mummy'!

Did he sleep with anyone else before you? It does sound very boring. Isn't he open to other suggestions?

UnacceptableWidge · 20/02/2015 12:36

Oh Mrsteddy I think you DO need to leave.
Admit you settled and shouldn't have.
You haven't said much but it doesn't sound like much of a marriage.
You both deserve happiness and you are not his mummy that's just weird

cailindana · 20/02/2015 12:46

If you won't leave then I'm afraid this is your life and you need to find a way to come to terms with that.

Auburnsparkle · 20/02/2015 12:52

Why on earth would you stay?

NerrSnerr · 20/02/2015 12:56

You need to leave. It sounds like you're not right for each other at all.

Handywoman · 20/02/2015 13:06

Please tell me he calls you mummy because you have children although even still I couldn't handle it myself

Shock
Apatite1 · 20/02/2015 13:13

Mummy?!?!

Run. Fast.

DorothyBastard · 20/02/2015 13:13

No wonder there is no spark if he sees you as a 'mum'. That must be a big turn off for you too.

ImperialBlether · 20/02/2015 13:15

Handywoman, I meant it's a completely different ball game if she doesn't have children!

Original poster
Mrsteddyruxpin · 20/02/2015 13:19

I have to stay. He is good, we are a family. I have to stay, it would disgrace myself and the family. I want my children to grow up with thief dad. I used to feel attractive and have a good social life. One friend felt I was settling and lots of people I know do.

He is old fashioned. Old school - not bad.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/02/2015 13:19

What is with this "I won't leave and do not intend to" guff; talk about hoisting your own self by your own petard. Pride comes before a fall remember that.

How did you respond to his "love you mummy" comment?.

What is actually stopping you here?. Fear of being "on your own", pride, the children, your own co-dependency issues, lack of money?.

Auburnsparkle · 20/02/2015 13:24

Nobody has to stay - that is utter nonsense. Sorry.

VanitasVanitatum · 20/02/2015 13:26

Sex therapy? He sounds a bit repressed maybe.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/02/2015 13:26

"I have to stay. He is good, we are a family. I have to stay, it would disgrace myself and the family. I want my children to grow up with thief dad. I used to feel attractive and have a good social life. One friend felt I was settling and lots of people I know do".

You are settling and they are doing themselves a big disservice as well by doing so.

Its not altogether surprising you feel both unattractive and lonely within this marriage.

You do have other options, you realise this.

You do not have to stay within this besides which you cannot burden a child/children with a choice that you made. Staying for them places upon them an intolerable burden for which they will not thank you (as well as giving them a whole host of emotional problems with their own adult relationships going forward).

Your family and the wider community do not have to live with your man day to day though do they?. By staying within this you will simply do your own bit to show your children this miserable and dysfunctional relationship is their "norm" for a marriage, is this really the role model you want to teach them?. Would you want your children to be in a marriage like yours is?.

They won't thank you for staying with someone like him, they will pick up on all the vibes and your inherent misery and wonder why on earth you did not leave when you and they were a lot younger.

NerrSnerr · 20/02/2015 13:28

Do you have children? If so then please don't stay. I'm one of the many people on mn whose parents stayed together for the children. We knew and yours will too. They deserve to be shown was real relationships are like.

Handywoman · 20/02/2015 13:30

You can get back in track when you married the wrong man.

By all means stay - until it ruins your mental health and affects your children - because that's the future that awaits. Unless you 'fess up to what you are feeling and start afresh.

ImperialBlether · 20/02/2015 13:35

How many lives do you think you have, OP?

TrollsTrollsEverywhere · 20/02/2015 13:47

Telling him there is no chemistry and that you are bored won't help. Sad Confused

I think you either have to leave him or decide to be proactive about rekindling the relationship. Even if he was straight laced you must have seen something about him that you liked. It's normally for things to feel a bit flat if you have young kids about - I used to feel tired a lot of the time.
If you want to try and make a go of it then simple things like going out on your own with him might help. Non of its rocket science but you need to put the effort in. I know he should be doing the same but you have to deal with the things you can control ie your own behaviour. Can you sit down with him and really talk about what you could both do to help the relationship. Put something down in writing might help. I don't see the point of analysing what is wrong with him - you need to be more constructive and positive. I think that a bit of faking it till you make it can help.

If you give it a go and nothing changes then at least you will have tried and you will be able to leave him with the knowledge that it wasn't gojng to
work.

Sorry for the rambling post but hopefully you see what I mean.

TrollsTrollsEverywhere · 20/02/2015 13:48

Sorry for the typos

Original poster
Mrsteddyruxpin · 20/02/2015 13:54

I totally get you trolls. He always says I can talk to him and we will sort things out, he is a very good person.

I think the repressed thing is there, as suggested above. There was no fun in his house growing up. Even food is plain, lots of prayer type of thing. My house was liberal - we can have a joke.

I know i have been horrible to him but he makes me feel like an old maid. 'Dinner is lovely mum' or if I say I want to do something he will say 'go out yourself there and I will mind dc' Where we live there is a late night supermarket and that's it. So that's not great.

I have to get it on track. He can't understand. He said his mother never complained about anything in her life (she does in private to me and isn't that happy at all)

OP posts:
avocadotoast · 20/02/2015 13:58

Your problems sound too fundamental to be fixed IMO. You say you have no chemistry, no spark. That's not something you can create or force; you either have it or you don't.

If you stay, you'll be unhappy, as it seems you already are. If you separated your children would still have their father and you might have a shot at finding someone you do have a spark with.

I'm not doubting that your husband is a good man/father. But OP, can you see yourself in this situation forever?

AliMonkey · 20/02/2015 17:19

I agree with Trolls. You have to both try to make an effort to change (which probably means you making the effort first). If that doesn't fix things then reconsider, but don't walk out on a good man without even trying to improve things. I suspect you need to try to spend more time as just the two of you out of the house (eg meal, a walk, doing something fun together that enables you to talk and have a laugh while doing it) just to get some fun back into your marriage. Then work on getting some affection into it. Then maybe with those in place you may be more able to spice up your sex life a bit.

If he is unwilling you have to be straight with him about how unhappy you are so he knows he has to make the effort.

I am however speaking to myself here as much as you!

Original poster
Mrsteddyruxpin · 20/02/2015 17:21

I said to him did you call me mummy? He quickly replied 'we love you mummy' as baby was with us. But he does call me mummy a lot now. I hate it. Maybe I am just picking. I am bored. Really bored. I am a loser.

OP posts:
antimatter · 20/02/2015 17:22

Did you tell him not to call you 'Mummy'?

cailindana · 20/02/2015 17:22

You're a loser? What makes you think that?