How can I get my marriage back to remotely 'happy'

[Mrsteddyruxpin]

I have been married for a few years. I admit I settled for a good kind man but we never had much spark and didn't dtd until we were engaged. I regret this as I always feel inhibited now as he is very straight laced. Lights off, doesn't deviate from the norm. I get bored so can't be bothered.

I have never told him but I had amazing relationships in that way before. I just feel it has never got off the ground. He thinks dtd is common sense (ie. How you do it) and strict Catholic. Didn't want to get me pregnant etc.

Now we are in a rut as we never go out either. I feel my life is over. I am so unhappy. He calls me mum. He said 'love you mummy' last night.

He is doing nothing wrong. I won't leave and don't intend to but I have already hurt him by saying I am bored and there is no chemistry. I want to sort this out.

I am so horrible :(

Has anyone sorted this type of problem out.

In my opinion, it sounds suffocating and pretty awful. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this, with your resentment building by the year?

Yes it does sound pretty suffocating. You sound incompatible, OP, different backgrounds, different personalities.

If you 'hate' being called 'Mummy' can you tell him?

in five years time you'll be back here posting that you've met someone and started an affair. that's not a judgement call fwiw, it's a prediction. Because this is so often where affairs start, when someone settles for what they have because they feel that leaving is wrong, and yet they still have desires to be loved, cherrished, desired, wanted, and when someone comes along to give them that attention they realise what's been missing all along.

Op, lots of people settle for unhappy marriages,, but ultimately nothing is ever achieved by it. You say you need to stay together for the sake of the kids, but in eighteen years time the kids will have left home and then what? Parents splitting isn't any less traumatic for adult children than it is for young ones, the only difference is that you won't have to fight over access, but conversely when they're older they'll be mature enough to know what's really going on, and adult enough to voice their own opinions.

It's honourable enough staying together for the kids, but it's not the ansser. You're a person in your own right too, having children didn't take that away.

You need to talk to him, explain to him how you really feel, go to couples counselling if necessary, don't necesarily feel you have to leave, but equally don't feel that you can't.

Have you actually told him never to call you 'mummy'?

Does he realise that it's a big deal? That there is far more to a successful marriage than the children? That it is normal (and approved by the church) to feel sexual desire for your spouse, and to satisfy it with them? That St Paul teaches that you shouldn't hang back?

I see why you don't want to leave a marriage that is good enough. But you don't have to settle for sub-optimal in perpetuity.

He says he's open to talking things through. Has this ever produced positive results?

Can you leave the kids with anyone? I found a night out made a huge difference to DH and my relationship. We didn't necesserily do anything exciting or expensive but it meant. We could relax and chat.

OP, it sounds like you respect your DH - that means a lot Doesn't it?
Was he more exiting and fun when you first met him? Are you expecting him to 'change' to suit your new requirements or has he changed? Have you changed?
Is it just you are finding married life with young kids a bit dull? - because it can be a bit dull.

Do you do anything away from the family? If he is offering to watch the kids how about you go to the gym, to evening classes or out with friends?

Is this in England? In the 21st Century?

Seriously OP he sounds completely wrong in general for you. I think you should leave, tonight! Pack a bag and turn up at a friend's house with a bottle of wine. Don't go back.

If I read the OP correctly you are not using contraception. Don't have sex again in case you get pregnant. It's time you realised you fundamentally disagree with his approach to life. There's no shame in leaving.

Do it - leave now!!

Whoops, saw you already have kids. Well that doesn't matter - they should grow up with an ideology you believe in. xx Good luck. Still go!

As far as I can see it isn't the ideology that's the problem...its him as a person. Yes he may well be a repressed Catholic but the two are not mutually exclusive.

Look all I can say is that if you are unhappy and frankly its not surprising. Spark can come and go over time within a marriage but your's sounds like it was never there to start with.

I would agree with the others that if you have love and respect for him then that is worth something. Would he consider some marriage counselling, perhaps the church have a counselling service near you, there is certainly a Catholic family centre near me who offer loads of different services. If nothing else it would give you somewhere to express how you feel in an environment that is not home and can be steered in a direction that is helpful to you both. You may never have a wildly passionate marriage but you may be able to get to a place that you're both happy with.

Ultimately though if changes aren't made you could make yourself very unwell by repressing your feelings. This is your life, you deserve to be happy, do not sacrifice your own happiness and mental health for the sake of appearances or the church community.