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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know what to do for the best!

33 replies

Shopping1234 · 20/02/2015 07:45

I met a guy 13 months ago through a project we were both working on. He is married with kids and I have been in a long term relationship for over 20 years. In all the time I have been with my partner I have never looked at another man but felt an instant attraction with this man. 3 months after meeting I secretly started to text him I never revealed who I was just told him I was attracted to him. Over the weeks I gave him little clues then he asked could he call me. After a lot of panicking I agreed. He said he was 99 percent it was me and that he was delighted ad he was attracted to me the 1st time we met. We chatted for over an hour and got on really well. We continued to text and the texts became very raunchy. This is something I have never done before and I know it's wrong but this guy makes me feel good about myself. We agreed to go out for a drink together but a few days before he cancelled saying he couldn't do it. I was very disapointed the texts stopped coming. A few weeks later I got back in touch and we continued texting, over the next few months we arranged to meet for a coffee on 3 occasions but he cancelled again. I can't seem to get this guy out of my head. We've met up 3 times regarding business and he is always a gent and he tells me I look great and that he flattered that a girl like me would be interested in him. After many more texts we have both revealed we can't stop thinking about each other. He's told me he doesn't love his wife he stays for his kids as he could never break there hearts I know this man lives for them. He said if only we met 20 years ago. We haven't had any contact in 3 weeks and it'd killing me. I've got very strong feelings for him but I just don't know what to do for the best. I know we both have partners and it's wrong but you can't help who you fall got!

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 20/02/2015 08:26

No, you can't help who you fall for.

But you can help who you deliberately pursue with come on an anonymous texts!!!

You did a bad thing.

Shame on you.

Cabrinha · 20/02/2015 08:28

Meant to say: "can't help who you fall for" - take some fucking responsibility for your shitty actions.

Back the fuck off him and sort out your relationship. Fix it, or leave the poor cheated on guy.

I don't care about what this guy has done. This is about you and your horrible choices.

Littleturkish · 20/02/2015 08:29

Why haven't you left your partner if you feel like this?

Why are you pursuing someone who has made it blatantly clear they don't want you?

You're embarrassing yourself and sound desperate. If you think this is 'romantic' or 'sexy' you couldn't be more wrong.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/02/2015 08:29

What you do for the best is take a look in the mirror and have a word with yourself. If your relationship is poor, deal with it or end it. Don't go casting around for intimacy elsewhere, and certainly not with a man who give you the 'if it wasn't for my kids I'd leave her' chestnut. It's the oldest lie in the book. You'll end up with nothing including your self respect.

NerrSnerr · 20/02/2015 08:30

If he lives for his wife and kids then he wouldn't be sending raunchy texts to another woman.

If you both want to be together then do it properly. You leave your parter, he leaves his wife and kids and go from there.

SensationalGirl · 20/02/2015 08:35

This man is not available. Neither are you. No good will come from this, take the hard, grown up position and leave him alone.

ScotsWhaHae · 20/02/2015 08:42

Oh dear

mrscynical · 20/02/2015 08:45

He is no 'gent' and you are certainly behaving like a 'girl' although I guess you must be at least 40.

Grow up.

WaxOnWaxOff · 20/02/2015 08:48

God you're really desperate aren't you.

You've handed yourself on a plate to this guy and he still doesn't want you.

How embarrassing for you.

TangledUpInGin · 20/02/2015 08:51

You sound like a predatory twat to me - sort your own relationship out and stop trying to wreck someone else's

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 20/02/2015 08:58

You sound like a selfish, obsessed woman who doesn't give a fuck about the damage you are causing to this other woman , her children and the man who are with.

Finish with your partner and stop chasing this other man who doesn't give a fuck about you.

SonnyJimBob · 20/02/2015 09:35

"For the best" would be leaving it alone. Purely focusing on the relationship angle, it's clear that he doesn't really want to meet up with you, or be involved as he wouldn't have cancelled.

This seems to be a bit of 'fun' and distraction for him. There is no chance of a serious relationship here, only hearts being broken on all sides. End the communication and move on for your own sake.

ImperialBlether · 20/02/2015 09:37

Surely this is a reverse thread? Has someone been doing this with your husband?

hellsbellsmelons · 20/02/2015 10:06

I just don't know what to do for the best
Yes you do.
You obviously have no respect for your partner (or yourself)
Get out of your relationship and let your DP find someone who will love and respect him and not try to get laid behind his back.
And for goodness sake, stop contacting the married man.

ToYouToMe · 20/02/2015 11:08

@Shopping1234 - I'm sorry you have a lot of angry people shouting at you when you came on here looking for help.

Sounds like you're caught between your feelings - and it's true you can't choose who you fall for - and your obligations as a wife and mother. You've got carried away and behaved in a way that most Mumsnetters consider unacceptable.

There's some good advice from the posters on here - in among the vitriol being heaped upon you - and you need to think carefully about what's important to you and not get swept away by what you find out in the future was the 'girlish' excitement we can all feel when we're 20 years into a relationship and we feel instant attraction to someone we meet.

alwayslookingforsomething · 22/02/2015 13:50

Shopping1234 how are you doing?

I am in a similar situation to you but it has not been going on as long as yours. I must say reading everyone's vitriol actually helped me realised what a twit I have been. I copied it and read it several times a day and night when I am tempted to contact him again.

The best thing to do is leave him alone, my guy is the same. He doesn't give a fuck about me, I have realised that now.

It is really hard, I have been in tears and feel so sad and trying to pretend everything is ok to my family and at work. You are lucky things didn't go any further. Your feelings for him will fade over time.

Best of luck, it will get easier, just take it one day at a time, read the responses again if you get tempted to contact him

Good balanced posts by Cog and ToYouToMe thank you, they really helped me

Original poster

Shopping1234 · 22/02/2015 19:09

This is the 1st time I have to used this site. I came on here as I felt I have nobody I can trust and open upto. I did not expect the responses I have had. I was and still have the perfect relationship with partner, so when I met this man and was attracted to him I couldn't understand what was happening.
For the last 3 months I have struggled with my emotions I am now on medication as I just can't cope. The guy has told me he has feelings for me as do I for him and I cant understand this as I love my partner. This man tells me he thinks about me everyday. I know I'm being told to leave my partner and that he would leave his wife if he thought anything of me. I have not asked this of him. There is a lot more to the story to which I would not disclose.
Some of you may have experienced what I am going through the others may have been hurt by others. Thank you all for your comments good and bad everybody is entitled to there opinion. I have taken on board all your comments.
Will I contact him, will be contact me who knows!

OP posts:

BolshierAyraStark · 22/02/2015 19:48

No love, you really don't have the perfect relationship-if you did you wouldn't be actively pursuing a married man with kids

As for his line of not loving his wife blah blah blah, he's a fucking knob jockey-come to think of it you sound a pair of cunts that deserve each other.

alwayslookingforsomething · 22/02/2015 19:59

It is very difficult I know Shopping1234 The guy can't really have true feelings for you as he keeps cancelling when it comes to the crunch. Hard to advise as like you have said you have only given half the story.

I don't understand why I was attracted to my guy either. I was prepared to travel half way across the country and have sex with him. Then I found out he was a player. He told me the old chestnut like Cog mentioned, married but only together for the sake of the children. I seemed to have lost all my senses and fell for this claptrap. I thought about him all day and night. Every minute was painful when he did not message me. He was having an emotional affair with me and then I found out he was doing this with another woman as well as being married. I was so pathetic and desperate I actually asked him to take me back. I cringe when I think of it.

He has now lost all interest in me and I have lost my self respect. Trying to pick up pieces of my life again, I still check now and again to see if he will get in touch with me. I still think of him hundreds of times a day. I have to keep stopping myself from getting in touch with him.

If it has got to the stage where you are on medication, then it is taking over your life. I hope you make the right decision. Although I am heartbroken I know I have made the right decision to stay with my husband.

Jux · 22/02/2015 23:38

He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants his nice life with wife and kids, and he wants to shag about a bit too.

So do you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/02/2015 00:32

If you respect and love your partner, let them have all the information about their relationship so they can make the right decision for themselves. You are having an emotional affair and they have the right to choose whether that works for them. At the moment you have decided for yourself but not given your partner the option.

And yes, I think your relationship is only 'perfect' until you tell them about lying, flirting, sneaking around and arranging to meet people you find attractive.

heartisaspade · 23/02/2015 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/02/2015 01:43

And the similarity in their names...

Original poster

Shopping1234 · 25/02/2015 21:07

After a lot of soul searching I have made the decision not to contact the guy ever again. As much as I still think about him I know deep in my heart it is wrong. I have never been unfaithful to my husband and I'm just glad nothing has happened between us. I do not want to remain friends as he will still be in my life I'd rather us both just both move on and forget each other!

OP posts:

alwayslookingforsomething · 25/02/2015 21:15

Well done Shopping

You are doing better than me. I caved and contacted my guy. Not surprisingly he hasn't replied!

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