Is this fair? DH & finances long

[Hayleyishopeful]

NC'd for this
We are both naturally quite bad with money. I have made a huge effort in the last few years to improve. However whilst I am now in control of my money, this has led to conflict and resentment between us as to who pays for what.
Finances are separate and we both work Ft. I earn more but he does get bonus'

The major issues, from my side, are:

DH not prioritising spend. If he needs a pair of shoes, and likes ones costing £100, they are the ones he will buy. He will not check or calculate whether that cash is needed for anything else . He will not compromise and buy £30 shoes if cash is tight.

DH borrowing money (credit card, overdraft) to pay for day to day expenses rather than saving/ going without/ budgeting

DH spending all his available funds then telling me to transfer more cash over to him. He never finds out whether I can afford this, he expects it to happen.

We have now got to a point where he takes responsibility for some bills direct from his salary and he ls supposed to transfer £x to me to contribute towards mortgage and other bills. I rarely receive this without a battle and frequently he transfers it then immediately needs it back because he has no more cash.

We are expecting a baby later in the year and this absolutely has to be resolved. He is very difficult to speak to about money and this is another source of stress. In the past he has agreed to things and reneged.

I am going to present him with a number of scenarios and options.
Options are;
1 I pay for everything
2 He continues to contribute £x and pay his bills
3 We have completely joint finances

These are all spreadsheet'd up with our incomings and outgoings. I am going to give him a week to review/ make changes to these and then he has to choose one of the options. what I haven't told him is option 1- I pay for everything- envitably means divorce

Option 2, as well as being stressful, ultimately shows him over committed each month and me with spare money

Option 3 consistantly comes out as best for the family

Does this sound ok? Or totally dictorial/ treating him like a kid? How can I make sure anything agreed is implemented?

If he is spending £100 on a pair of shoes and you both have debts then yes he needs to be treated like a child cos that's how he's acting.

Sorry but if he's not even very willing to discuss finances then how will you ever get on an even keel, sounds like you're wasting your time, stop bailing him out.

My ex was shit with money and I would never be with a man again who cannot budget properly. This sounds like it is going be on an ongoing problem, he is not a child and if he flat out refuses to budget what can you do? keep trying make up for the bills he should be paying for?

To me this is a make or break situation, money problems end relationships.

My initial thought was - if you join finances, what's to stop him spending all the spare money? And possibly getting you into debt too?

Keep your accounts separate. Work out the cost, bills, food, future child are costs, petrol. etc. Make sure you both have a similar amount of any spare cash. Get him to set up a standing order to your account.

I'm not ending the relationship, thanks for the heads up though.

I think you're being wildly optimistic having a child with this man and making yourself more financially dependent, even if it's only short term. Whatever solution you propose to the finances will be wrong, I guarantee it, because it always is with this type.

I would suggest you open a separate joint account in to which you both make a standing order for a fixed amount, agreed between you, proportionate to income. Use this to pay for all the essentials..... home, food, bills, savings etc and don't compromise on it at all. Retain personal accounts for wages (or SMP or Child Benefit) so that you always have your own money. Let him mess up his personal account to his heart's content but do not subsidise it

Do you jointly own any property? Other assets?

That's what we do now feck- it causes stress.

My thought was after bills / savings have been paid we would divide the spare cash equally for spends.

Option 4 - you have a joint account for household bills into which you each pay x% of your salaries on pay day...that way he can't fritter away all the spare money.

You also need a very honest conversation about how things will be managed when you're on mat leave.

If your income is going to drop dramatically when baby comes along, you also need to figure out how that is going to work. Ditto with any childcare commitments further down the line.

What abot option d) standaing order on payday into a joint account which covers bills, shopping, petrol and when it comes to it baby stuff. Leaving the same amount in each of yuor accounts (e.g. you transfer over 1550, he transfers over 950, leaving you each with 175, or however the numbers work). Then the money left over is for you to spend/save on whatever you choose - 100 shoes, or savings. No transfering into each others accounts?

I add that as another option cogito, I think we'll end up in a similar place as joint but at least the option is there.

Additionally his bonus' mean that many months his take home is more than doubled. I don't want to keep finances totally separate as I want access to this money.

too slow in typing. Andro got there first!

I am on full pay for 6 months. If this can't be agreed I will be returning to work after this time. If it can I will have another 3 months on SMP.

Thank you all for your replies also

What Cogito said: open a join account to pay for ALL joint finances, including holidays, Xmas presents and contingency for car etc repairs.

Plus: every two weeks sit down together and look at your finances, so you both know what the situation is, and so you can plan for your future.

OH You are going to receive a lot of traffic on this subject - it's a MN perennial (although would recommend you post in Money Matters in future).

Myself and my DP of 25 years have separate accounts and divvy up the outgoings between us. We have/had a joint account but never bothered to use it. Separate accounts has required tweaks as our income has ebbed and flowed over the years. We have different attitudes towards money - I consider myself to be the most savvy - I can also be 'easy come and easy go' and take 'calculated' risks (I am not talking about gambling - just things like taking on a big mortgage for a 'forever' home).

However, my DP was prepared to be educated about money and he was/is a kind, loving man so although we have had the odd raised eyebrow about ANOTHER CD etc, it was never a make or break situation. Also we now have 2 savvy DSs who are highly judgemental about many of our personal purchases (I would prefer quality over price for instance - they aren't old enough to appreciate the difference yet).

We were like this while we had separate finances and did lots of complicated juggling to work out equitable contributions to expenses and proportional spending cash - yadda, yadda. DH consistently blew the budget - it didn't work for him - he just couldn't see the bigger picture - he is a total silo thinker at the best of times. I ended up as the finance police, getting stressed and baling him out and he was the petulant child. Horrible for both of us.

On the sage advice of my sister, we put everything joint (almost). And overnight, it changed. We agreed to consult on anything over £50-£100 - be it his bike stuff or a new coat for me or something for the house. And we did - still do. He does as much monitoring of the account as I do - 10 years on, we are stable money-wise. It is now a collaborative exercise rather than an unequal power-base. Money and how to handle it is one the single greatest sources of marriage stress. Sorting it is vital - and every partnership will have to find the way that works.

(We each have a small separate bank account. He uses his for the two cheques a year his parents send him for his birthday and Christmas. I use mine for some tiny dividend payments and any odd cash gifts from my family. Those are the complete fritter cash for us to use without consultation!)

But even if you go back ft when dc is 6 months there will be additional childcare costs which you collectively incur do the current situation is not sustainable. You need to address the issue of his spending and debt before you go on ml otherwise you will never hit an even keel. Would he go to cab or Stepchange to look at budgeting and make a plan to pay off the accumulating debt.

I think if you have a joint account to pay for house expenses and all the bills all that will happen is he will ask you for money when he runs out. I think you need to STOP giving him money when he runs out - just say no - if he throws his toys out the pram - tough - keep saying no. if you don't it will never ever change.

Shut up that is so familiar and exactly what I envisage!

One of the scenarios is when I return to work. What happens when I return to work is vital because at the moment we can afford to live like this- it just means we don't "get" as much as we could being more frugal. It's also just chaotic and stressful regardless of the fact we can afford it.

There isn't much debt and it's affordable - I don't really want to distract with this. It's more about the ebbs and flows of cash.

However it's possible that on his basic wage it's not worth him working and that needs to be understood.

Joint account and everything comes out of that from the mortgage down to petrol. Keep seperate accounts which you put equal amounts into each month and that is your own to do with as you please. Any money left over in the joint account every month can be withdrawn and put into a savings account for a holiday etc etc.

Peggy I appreciate that point but it's quite easy to say and harder in practise. If he has no money to pay for travel to work he can't go. It doesn't really make sense for me to keep money back when he'll lose his job to teach him a lesson, although of course he should never put me in that position anyway .

Also I wanted to get opinions on this from a relationship point of view rather than the bare bones of how to handle the money- I think I've already sorted that- so hopefully it's ok to keep in relationships rather than money matters? (Didn't even know that topic existed to be honest)

Yes, but giving him the money when he's run out is frankly treating him like a child.

If you weren't there, he'd find the money, or a sudden ability to budget.

He needs to realise that you won't be able to fail him out for fares , you'll have to prioritise nappies, milk etc. I'd suggest you start each setting money aside in a fund for baby things so that you learn to cope on less. When he gets paid , the necessaries such as fares and expenses for the next week/month plus his contribution to the household costs, need to be set aside before anything else. You need a partner not a child who is reliant on you for pocket money.

Yes fair enough, I am doing this to try and bring all that to an end though- I'm giving him options to change the way we manage money for good

He gets paid, he should transfer same day money for household stuff. He should then get himself a monthly/weekly travel card depending how he gets paid. If he has money left after bills etc are paid, then it's up to him but he also needs to know that you will not be bailing him out. It's up to him to do what adults do, and budget.

The alternative is that you have full control and give him an allowance if he cannot act like an adult.