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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this fair? DH & finances long

37 replies

Hayleyishopeful · 19/02/2015 12:36

NC'd for this
We are both naturally quite bad with money. I have made a huge effort in the last few years to improve. However whilst I am now in control of my money, this has led to conflict and resentment between us as to who pays for what.
Finances are separate and we both work Ft. I earn more but he does get bonus'

The major issues, from my side, are:

DH not prioritising spend. If he needs a pair of shoes, and likes ones costing £100, they are the ones he will buy. He will not check or calculate whether that cash is needed for anything else . He will not compromise and buy £30 shoes if cash is tight.

DH borrowing money (credit card, overdraft) to pay for day to day expenses rather than saving/ going without/ budgeting

DH spending all his available funds then telling me to transfer more cash over to him. He never finds out whether I can afford this, he expects it to happen.

We have now got to a point where he takes responsibility for some bills direct from his salary and he ls supposed to transfer £x to me to contribute towards mortgage and other bills. I rarely receive this without a battle and frequently he transfers it then immediately needs it back because he has no more cash.

We are expecting a baby later in the year and this absolutely has to be resolved. He is very difficult to speak to about money and this is another source of stress. In the past he has agreed to things and reneged.

I am going to present him with a number of scenarios and options.
Options are;
1 I pay for everything
2 He continues to contribute £x and pay his bills
3 We have completely joint finances

These are all spreadsheet'd up with our incomings and outgoings. I am going to give him a week to review/ make changes to these and then he has to choose one of the options. what I haven't told him is option 1- I pay for everything- envitably means divorce

Option 2, as well as being stressful, ultimately shows him over committed each month and me with spare money

Option 3 consistantly comes out as best for the family

Does this sound ok? Or totally dictorial/ treating him like a kid? How can I make sure anything agreed is implemented?

OP posts:

Nolim · 19/02/2015 14:17

I was wondering if there is a background to his mindset. When he was growing up was his family loaded and he got used to expensive shoes or were they poor and now overcompensates?

trackrBird · 19/02/2015 14:20

DH spending all his available funds then telling me to transfer more cash over to him. He never finds out whether I can afford this, he expects it to happen
That attitude towards you, and your money, could prove tough to shift. He tells you to transfer it - rather than asks? Doesn't ask if you can afford it, and just assumes you will do it.

If he has no money to pay for travel to work he can't go. ....if that's a true life scenario he has found himself in, that's irresponsible rather than just an inability to budget.

In the circumstances you describe, and given that you want to focus on account arrangements, I would have a joint account for household finance, and still keep separate accounts for yourselves.

KeyBored · 19/02/2015 14:23

Try the YouNeedABudget site. There's an app that he/you can pay for, but he/you can also just borrow some good ideas.

He can't just 'not discuss it', if he's the one running out of cash some months.

Dropdeadfred2 · 19/02/2015 14:35

would he be willing to have the mortgage and other important bills come out of his account and change the payment date to the day after he is paid?

ShutUpLegs · 19/02/2015 15:05

yy - it doesn't matter how many strategies there are in place, it is the inequality of power and decision-making that sits behind those strategies that is key.

So - he needs money to travel to work. The partnership needs him bringing in money so the partnership needs to fund the travel budget. The partnership does not necessarily need to fund £100 pairs for shoes.

Treating the income and outgoings as the shared accountability of the partnership puts the onus on both partners equally. And if one partner abuses that, then they face the consequence of it. Going joint upped the stakes on my DH - rather than us having an unequal him-spend-me-bail-him-out relationship, he became a shareholder in the joint endeavour - and he embraced that fully. It took a weight off my mind because I could stop being wary/suspicious/mistrustful of him and work together.

We did have a back up plan of stripping out more individual spending money but we never needed to - neither of us oversteps the mark. Its a much more respectful relationship around money as a result.

Original poster

Hayleyishopeful · 19/02/2015 15:32

There is a back ground to his mindset- his father is horribly tight and controlled all the money. His mother wasn't allowed to work or have any.

Over the years she began to get sources of her own money- her pension for example, or small tax rebates (he used to use her tax free allowance ) and with this she would go mad spending, but in a very non extravagant way- car boot sales, pound shops. FIL presumably allowed this because it was very small amounts of money but by god that woman can get her cash's worth. As a result DH always had charity shop/ second hand stuff growing up and hated it. He has inherited his mothers attitude to money / spending but he has a complete aversion to cheap.

What I will say in his favour is he isn't a spend thrift- if he has to wait 6 months for the £100 pair of shoes or get the £30 pair right now he will wait for quality every time.

Also- I know people will think he can't change etc but as I said at the beginning I have changed. I used to be like him too. I know how hard it is to deal with money when you're bad at it, maybe that's why I have a little more faith and patience than others might.

OP posts:

shaska · 19/02/2015 16:11

I'm your DH, sort of, though I'm much better now.

What made me get better was my own DH getting tough on me. It really didn't take much. Basically, when I ran out of money, I could some from him. But I had to pay him back. And he was ruthless about it. I resented him for it for about two months and then somehow magically figured out that if I spend all my money, it will be gone. And now everything works really well.

Honestly I sound like a feckless idiot (and so does your DH) but as with all problems, what matters is willingness to change and realise you're being unfair.

If he runs out of money and HAS to have some, decide on a figure and lend it in a lump - it's easy for the feckless one to be all 'why are you making such a big deal, it was only £5'. So give him £50 and tell him you want it back on payday. If he doesn't pay it back, don't lend him money again. No matter what. If he needs to get to work, he'll have to figure it out himself. He'll learn.

Original poster

Hayleyishopeful · 19/02/2015 18:10

Thanks shaska glad you are happier with the way things are going now money wise :)

OP posts:

Mostlyjustaluker · 19/02/2015 18:29

I think this is a very personal issue. This is how we organise money.

DH and I get our wages paid into our own account but transfer the majority into the joint account. We are left with the same amount of 'pocket money' to spend on what we want and if it runs out. DH buys his lunch out rather than take packed lunch so this comes from his pocket money.

Everything joint comes from the joint account, household bills, food, anything for cat. We don't have any dc yet but they they be covered by the money from the joint account.

DH is bad at savings so I am in control of that.

GiniCooper · 19/02/2015 19:08

What I will say in his favour is he isn't a spend thrift- if he has to wait 6 months for the £100 pair of shoes or get the £30 pair right now he will wait for quality every time.

I'm sorry OP, you're contradicting yourself now and making excuses for him.
It is not your job to mother him and bail him out. Just because you made the changes for yourself doesn't mean he will.
Shaska's plan is what you have to do to give him a kick in the ass.
Don't lend or if you must lend get it back. Everytime.
Write it down. Show him.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 19/02/2015 21:55

You asked about the relationship side. I see a pretty major problem with the relationship side:

It does not bode well that you are taking ownership of his problem and are letting him abdicate responsibility. You are encouraging him to become a man-child. Stop it. Stop it before the baby is born. Really, stop it.

I'm giving him options to change the way we manage money for good

No. He has the problem. He runs out of money. He can't afford to get to work FFS. He fixes the problem.

You tell him to come up with options to change the way he manages money for good.

You can't solve the problem anyway. You can't know what is going on in another person's head. Only he truly knows why he overspends. Only he can solve it. Unless you take all his money and cards off him and hand out pocket money (which would be wrong btw).

Tell him to fix his problem. Stop trying to fix it for him. He is an adult. He can work it out. Offer help and support if he asks for it of course.

peggyundercrackers · 20/02/2015 10:03

Hayleyishopeful you said " If he has no money to pay for travel to work he can't go. It doesn't really make sense for me to keep money back when he'll lose his job to teach him a lesson, although of course he should never put me in that position anyway ."

if you weren't there how would he get to work? if he lived in own what would he do - walk? stop spending money to make sure he could get to work?

sorry but your making excuses for him - make him stand on his own feet!

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