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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

had enough of walking on eggshells - moody partner

51 replies

freshbakedcakes · 19/02/2015 10:42

I've been with my partner for about 2 years. We have been serious for the last 11 months, which is when I introduced him to my dc and now we've progressed to him being here most of the time. At first everything was really great, recently things have changed. We used to cook together every night and enjoyed it. However he seems to get irritated at me now , I only have a small kitchen so when I am in his way he gets visibly annoyed, or when im chopping he'll raise his eyebrows and say I'm doing it wrong, or will just sigh at me. I've stopped cooking with him now, when he's in the kitchen I keep away. He is happy to do all the cooking, washing up so I just leave him to it.
Another issue is that he's told me he sometimes feels insecure in a relationship. Fair enough, so do I sometimes. I have male friends/colleagues who I keep in touch with via text. If my phone makes a noise, or vibrates, my partner will yet again sigh loudly and pull this face like he is gritting his teeth. He will do this whoever it is texting me though even if it's a female friend, he has no way of knowing who it is. I have found myself turning the vibrate/noise off my phone, or quickly putting it down if I hear him coming into the room to avoid his stupid reaction. When he gets into one of these moods, he'll often go silent and just look really pissed off. I will ask what's wrong and he says "nothing" when it's obvious there is. I may then give up and go up to bed, he'll later follow and we'll lay there in a silent, tense atmosphere.
He's at his house for the next couple of days and I am looking forward to being able to lay on my sofa tonight and browse mumsnet, or text whoever I want and laugh out loud if they tell me a joke. I have spoken to my partner about all these issues before and he's said he will change and communicate more and not get paranoid when I talk to someone else. But still the same thing happens. Not sure I want to continue this relationship anymore, feeling like I am walking on eggshells in my own house in a relationship that's still fairly new-ish. This post makes him sound like a teenager, but he is in his 40s! I am in my twenties so we do have quite a big age gap, not sure if that has anything to do with it as it's never been a problem for us.

OP posts:
ihatethecold · 19/02/2015 10:44

Sounds grim op.
Why should you feel so controlled in your own home.
I would consider asking him to stay away a bit longer and see if you prefer it.

TwinkleDust · 19/02/2015 10:46

It's been two years. You are in your twenties. It really shouldn't be this much hard work. It just isn't working out. Move on.

Fudgeface123 · 19/02/2015 10:47

He's worried you're going to run off with someone else but he's totally going the wrong way about it. You should still be in the honeymoon phase, if it's like this now what's it going to be like a year...it will only get worse.

Personally, I'd be getting out now, protect yourself and your child from who is potentially an abuser

Boomf · 19/02/2015 10:48

Get rid of this man child and find someone your own age. That is your answer

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2015 10:52

I think you're starting to see the real him, and if it's not what you want in a partner, get shot before he gets his feet properly under the table. These 'moods' are designed to train you to be obedient. The irritation, jealously etc is quite deliberate and a way to manipulate you into saying and doing things his way, dropping your friends, apologising and feeling a bit on the back foot. Saying he's going to change means nothing if he carries on as normal.

If you feel better when he's not there, make it a permanent thing.

Jan45 · 19/02/2015 10:56

Honestly when you start to think you need to walk on eggshells it's time to call it a day - he sounds really hard work, it shouldn't be like that after years and years together never mind two.

chinstrappenguin · 19/02/2015 11:08

Sorry OP but life won't get any better. He sounds a nightmare. If you are already looking forward to the nights he doesn't come over then think it's time to call time on your relationship.

LadyBlaBlah · 19/02/2015 11:18

You are in your 20s.
Pllllllllease leave.

He has already told you he's insecure, damaged goods.

Leave and try and work out why you are attracted to men you want to look after and fix. It could transform the rest of your life.

What do you need him for? Love?
This isn't love. It's just a wish of love.

Jackw · 19/02/2015 11:22

I agree with all above. Relationships are meant to enhance your life, not spoil it.

HazleNutt · 19/02/2015 11:23

Please leave. I know you think it does not sound serious enough, but really, it is. Your whole life will be taken over by this - worrying what mood he is in, worrying what you did 'wrong' again to upset him. You should be happy to go home and see your partner, not anxious.

Next he will start complaining that you see your friends too often, and will be in a mood when you come back from seeing friends and family - or is he already?

expatinscotland · 19/02/2015 11:26

Life is short. Get rid. He's a downer.

TheOldWiseOne · 19/02/2015 11:30

If he is like this now, try it many years down the line...you are too young for this! Living with a moody partner is no joke!

AnyFucker · 19/02/2015 11:33

Ugh

tell him to make his stay back at his place permanent and find another bloke who is actually a grown up

pocketsaviour · 19/02/2015 13:16

I have spoken to my partner about all these issues before and he's said he will change and communicate more and not get paranoid when I talk to someone else. But still the same thing happens.

You've given him a chance to change - he hasn't.
I think that says clear as day that this relationship doesn't have a future. I'm sorry. But better to make that break now before things get more serious.
You deserve to be treated waaaay better than this!

Nomama · 19/02/2015 13:21

Yikes. He really is a bit broken, isn't he? And old enough to be set in his ways.

Strike for freedom, OP. Relationships are supposed to be rewarding not penurious and boring.

meddie · 19/02/2015 13:33

Please consider ending this now, before you get in too deep or bring other children into the mix,
Walking on eggshells is not a relationship its a tool designed to keep you in check and direct all your thoughts towards him, w
Before you know it your whole life becomes about appeasing him and his moods, don't inflict that on your children.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 19/02/2015 13:36

It's not normal. It's not normal in a relationship to feel like this.

It will not get better.

You have a choice to make. Are you going to make this the life for you and your children, or are you going to say to him that his moods, sulks and stroppy faces are not something you are willing to put up with?

RandomNPC · 19/02/2015 14:19

Isolating you from other people is not a good sign. He sounds too much like bad news; find a nice lad in his 20s instead.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2015 14:23

" find a nice lad in his 20s instead."

Or.... enjoy your independence.... or..... find a person any age who doesn't have EMOTIONAL ABUSER written all over their behaviour. :)

RandomNPC · 19/02/2015 14:25

Yes, or that. I don't trust blokes in their forties sniffing around much younger women, it smacks of control issues to me. (and I say that as a bloke in his 40s).

bettyboop1970 · 19/02/2015 15:38

Like pp have stated, end it, his controlling behaviour will only escalate.

AnyFucker · 19/02/2015 15:39

totally agree with you there, Random

my husband would agree with you too....what do middle aged men get out of going after much younger women ? (apart from the obvious of course. ....although I know many 40+ women who are in much better physical shape than some women in their 20's)

dreamingbohemian · 19/02/2015 15:44

Oh god, just dump him

Men in their 40s do not change! You're so young, there's loads of guys out there, why on earth would you settle for this bullshit?

If you're happier when he's not around, that's all you need to know really.

pocketsaviour · 19/02/2015 15:46

AF - I think they see what they hope will be a more pliant and amenable person that they can bend to their will. Someone who's likely to be a bit more naïve and less likely to call them on their bullshit.

Also think some men get a massive ego boost from being in the sort of "teacher" role - taking younger women to the theatre, explaining wines, suggesting they read certain books or watching "something a bit more highbrow than reality TV". The patronising, pretentious twats.

Comito · 19/02/2015 15:48

God, he sounds awful and a bit pathetic, to be honest. All that passive-aggressive sighing would get right on my tits.

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