Affairs

[Kjlk]

It's passed midnight and 4 hours ago I found out my husband of forty years has been having an affair for the past 4 years.
I am devastated , but numb
I don't have any emotional feeling.....
I thought I was a strong person but.....I am shocked of the way I feel.
Do I love him..yes
Can we get past this ...who knows
But I rely on him financialy ....and at the moment all I can think about is what am I going to do about money.
Don't want to talk to the children yet as its too early.
Think I am just looking for a bit of support

Hi Kjlk; I am so sorry that you have had this happen to you. Is he still seeing her? Don't worry about the nitty gritty of money at the moment; let your emotions settle a bit first but I'd have thought he would have to give you a certain 'payout' should you decide to end your relationship if you think that you can't move past this. So sorry and what a shock for you.

Hand holding. You are in shock and it's devastating. Don't expect too much of yourself yet. How,did you find out ?

I'm so sorry

You're in a huge amount of shock. One step at a time, you need to give yourself space to process this.

Is there anyone with you? I know it's late but is there anyone you could contact to stay with you/sit with you?

I know it's a very British thing, but could you manage some hot sweet tea?

That is terrible and is bound to feel like a total betrayal. I'm sorry this happened. It is also so new so it will take time to process

In terms of money and future, I wouldn't worry about it because if you choose to leave him - after 40 years and if you have children (long married and dependents) you are in a very strong position legally.

I'm not sure you will want to hear this particularly but tell you because it may help long term that I was an OW. I work in a world where it is very common for men to have affairs - and men to all intents and purposes who are in happy, long term marriages.

What I would say is men do compartmentalise in a weird way women don't understand. I'm not saying its good or right but it can be a different thing for a man. And honestly men do love their wives but choose to basically use another woman for sex. It may not help right now; but it is perfectly possible that this other woman means nothing to him and was just convenient.

The other thing is - and I've seen it everywhere through my work - that it is more common than you would ever think for men who seem to have long term (10 years +) happy and very stable marriage with children to be having affairs. It's almost like they think they can get away with and it won't matter. I've seen it so much that I've become very cynical and think a 100% faithful husband is like a unicorn and that generally women are very very naïve about the way men behave when they think they can get away with it.

Whatever happens, you can't make any decisions now or for a while until you've had a chance to process this information properly.

You don't say how old your children are - but I wouldn't say anything to any of them until you have taken stock. 40 years is a long time and if you choose to stay with him, this is something you may not want to ever share with your children.

Ignore those who immediately leap to the "leave the bastard" position. Only you can say if you can get past it or not with your husband and after 40 years, you may very well decide the level of love, affection, shared history and friendship outweighs anything else.

Thank you for you support, drumdrum60 he had to tell me because she put a note through the door.
It's horrible, he been meeting with her about once a month. June last year she stopped having sex with him because he would not leave me......
But he was still going to her house. The last time in January he admitted to me that he would have had sex with her if she had let him.
He told me that he would never have told me but she forced his hand with the note.
Last night he said she has ruined my life, I told him he was the one that ruined my life
Feeling so sick

Thanks for support you don't know how much I appreciate your comment

He said he has stopped seeing her. Our 2 children are grown up and we have grandchildren....I think our kids would hate him....
They work together but she is leaving next week
Do you know what I shared the bed with him last night

You know that you don't have to share a bed with him ever again if you don't want to? You don't have to do anything with him.

Any decisions that are taken now must be yours and yours alone.

Have you thought about asking him to move out for a while to give you some space? A lot of people find this beneficial. You might not be able to think about this yet - store it at the back of your mind for future thought.

Take every minute, every hour as it comes. Go at whatever pace suits you.

I wish you weren't going through this x

Sorry you've had such a nasty shock. If your first instinct is that you want everything to stay the same and you can't contemplate ending the marriage over this, that would be normal. If you feel a tendency to blame yourself or blame the OW, that's also normal. However, things aren't the same now and that's when it gets very difficult. Trust, once broken, cannot be easily repaired.

Are you trying to handle this solo or can you confide in someone? And I realise that your husband would probably be the person you confide in.

I wish I was not going through it, he is going into work today to arrange time off.....so we are able to talk.
Don't want to talk to him I want to kill him, going to heed your advise and take every minute, hour as it comes.
He is not going to break me.
It was my choice to share bed.....believe me nothing happened
Numb at moment, need to get angry.
I am meeting my son and grandchildren to go to the cinema.
Not sure if I can play happy families, but not going to put them through the pain I am going through.
Never thought I would be pouring my heart out on line , I do appreciate your comments

Cogitoergosometimes
You have it the nail on the head, that's exactly how I feel.
Trying to handle this solo, ....as you said he was the one that I would turn to

OP.

I am so, so sorry you are going through this.

I think in the first instance, when dealing with the shock, you just need to keep going. Try to sleep, or if you can't sleep, doze. Try to eat, or if you can't eat, get some smoothies down. Try to keep breathing, calmly and deeply. Try to get a short walk each day, because there is something therapeutic about gentle, repetitive movement outdoors.

All the practical questions will come in time. And you will handle them, every single one. Right now, just look after yourself.

If you don't want to talk to him then you don't have to. This isn't about him and his wants any more. YOU are the priority now. As Cog says, it's normal to want things to stay the same. Please don't be pressured into doing anything - including talking - until you are ready. Sometimes by talking it prevents us from sticking our heads in the sand and going into "self preservation mode", which can be necessary in order to come to terms with the initial shock.

Have you got anyone in rl you could tell? Wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug

Don't want to confide in any one at moment, don't want their sympathy face to face
Thanks for hugs, I have a daughter in Australia ....really need her now
To raw to talk,
Don't understand his comment that he is annoyed it came out in the open as he had finished it and he would never have told me about the affair as not to hurt me ??

Sometimes telling someone in rl can make it all a bit too real at this stage - horses for courses.

I don't want to upset you further, but it sounds like he thought he'd got away with it. And because he hasn't, that's why he's annoyed

He will have been trying to save his own skin

"he is annoyed it came out in the open"

What he means is that what you don't know can't hurt you. If the note hadn't been pushed under the door he thinks you'd be none the wiser and there would be no upset. Which is a very naïve view of affairs and also a very disrespectful view of women in general. An OW told she's surplus to requirements is a ticking time bomb... hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, etc. A DW finding out she's been betrayed is not going to be placated by a bit of talking either. A man who thinks shagging around and keeping quiet about it puts him in the clear is not a faithful man. It also begs the question whether this isn't the first time he's done this and whether he's just been luckier and more careful in the past.

There will be a lot of questions hurtling around in your mind. I wish you had someone to confide in because it can drive you utterly mad not having answers to questions and no-one to be yourself in front of. I would actually suggest that you tell him to leave home for a while so that you get chance to think clearly. All the time he is in your face, making his case, persuading you 'it was nothing' etc, you won't be able to decide what you really want.

Cog , you really do talk sense, I appreciate you taking time out to talk

Why do I feel the guilty party, and I know violence does not solve anything but I sure feel like hitting some one....
Do you think I should tell my kids they are 39 and 37

I think you need a friend to talk to - someone you can trust obviously - rather than burdening your DCs just yet. However old they are, this is their Dad you're talking about and they can't really take sides. And you desperately need someone on your side.

If you feel guilty it's because you are going through a lot of insecure thoughts that boil down to 'he cheats because I'm not a good enough wife'. In the course of his talk, he may even try to pull the same logic. 'We've not been as close', 'we've drifted apart'. etc. You may even get some suggestion that the OW actively pursued him or lured him in against his better judgement. You have to put those completely out of your head because they will do you no favours whatsoever. It's entirely his decision where he parks his genitals....

It is very early days to be doing anything at all. Trust yourself and your instincts to do what you need to do, when you need to do it. You may find the stories and support available on the wikivorce website of some use to you - you will see there that you are not alone and that it is possible to recover from this and live a happy life without him. There is also lots of help with the legal and financial side of things which may help you to get your head in order over the coming weeks as to what you need to do (or not do).

Be kind to yourself and don't let him tell you it's your fault. He is responsible for his actions and needs to own that. If I could do things again, I would have no contact whatsoever with the ex in the early days and would only talk to him with a third party present. Better still, if he is open to it, talk with a counsellor. This will offer your some protection from the scripted crap that adulterers come out with once they've been caught out. Cry, scream, spend a load of money...whatever helps for now. Just keep away from him till you're ready to talk and do that on your terms only.

So he has lied to you for four long years, I could never forgive or get past that - you are in shock just now but as has been said you are in a good financial position and when you feel ready you will be able to tell him to go F himself.

At the moment you need your family and friends, you owe him nothing, tell who you want and lean on them, nobody should have to go through that, it must be devastating.

And btw, he must be a bloody good liar to keep that going for years......you can do so much better, you will realise this when you get stronger.

Yes, 4 years requires a lot of deception and abuse of trust.

So sorry this happened, how very shocking for you.

Your DCs are adults, so yes I would tell them. I would not let your husband think you are going to keep quiet about what he has done.

How spiteful of OW to push a note through your door.

Some distance would be a good thing while you gather your thoughts.

The OW might have acted angrily but she's wasted 4 years of her life on a man that clearly gave some impression that he was going to chuck the DW in her favour and that's enough to make anyone act rashly.... This is all down to him. He's reaped what he's sowed.....

And how exactly has she ruined your life - talk about shifting blame on her - what a coward.