Affairs

[Kjlk]

It's passed midnight and 4 hours ago I found out my husband of forty years has been having an affair for the past 4 years.
I am devastated , but numb
I don't have any emotional feeling.....
I thought I was a strong person but.....I am shocked of the way I feel.
Do I love him..yes
Can we get past this ...who knows
But I rely on him financialy ....and at the moment all I can think about is what am I going to do about money.
Don't want to talk to the children yet as its too early.
Think I am just looking for a bit of support

Precisely. 'She' let the cat out of the bag.... He's conveniently trying to side-step that he put the cat in the bag in the first place. I think the OP is already wise to that one.

I think you should tell your children the truth when you are feeling a little stronger.

Firstly, because they are adults, not little kids, and they are old enough to understand that this sort of thing does happen.

Secondly, because you are going to need the support, and it will be much easier for you if you tell the truth rather than having to worry about hiding things, or figuring out evasive answers to their questions. You don't need to worry about protecting them - they are old enough. You sure as hell don't need to worry about protecting him.

Thirdly, and less important than the previous two, your husband doesn't deserve you going to the effort of creating a protective bubble around him. He deserves for his children to know what he has done, and to face the consequences of that. Even if that is them screaming in his face. He seems to have convinced himself "everything is fine and dandy, I can do whatever I like, and it's fine because as long as I keep quiet that makes it okay". In order for him to even begin to have an inkling that what he has done is wrong - end of - he needs to face up to the consequences. And his children knowing the sort of man he truly is, is one of those consequences.

All of a sudden it will seem a lot less "okay on the quiet!" when he has to try and explain his behaviour to his own daughter.

I know that I always say this, but I really advise getting him out of the house for a few days. I believe that time and space to think about what you want is vital and that you can't do that with his influence around.

I'm so sorry your going through this.

After my husbands first affair I kept everything to myself - apart from sharing on here which really helped. I told very few friends and no family. I was trying to protect him for some strange reason and it does not help.

Talk to your family and a close friend. Also, listen to the advice on here; I wish I did.

Good luck.

Vivacia makes a good point. Do not let him stay in the house. He needs at least a few nights away to have some consequences of his actions. It also gives you time to think.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. You will probably be in shock for quite a while and it is not necessary for you to make an immediate decision.

It does help to talk to someone in real life, if you don't feel ready to involve your children yet that is understandable but it might help to talk to a friend or a sibling. I held off telling my sister for several reasons, one of them isn't relevant in your situation but the other main reason was because it would make the situation more real and I didn't want it to be. With hindsight I wish I had told my sister when I suspected as she has been wonderful and just having someone physically there for you makes a difference.

He will probably tell you only what he feels he has to and the fact that he wasn't going to tell you at all suggests that is very much his attitude. He already seems to be blaming OW but what happened is entirely down to him not you and while OW has blame as well she has involvement only because of his actions.

So sorry, hugs and

Finding something like this out is the worst thing in the world - it causes you to question EVERYTHING about your past long life together and that is one of the saddest aspects of it all. At first, the realisation of it is the first thing that hits you on waking - that awful feeling in the midst of your body - gut wrenching . Then you will work through the various stages ( which come and go and in no particular order) anger, grief, inability to do anything, practicality...there is nothing as awful as being out in public and hearing someone wailing and you realise it is yourself :-( I know because it happened to me - after 23 years of marriage I found out my husband had been lying to me for the better part of 3 years - 2 years with an " on/off" affair with a friend of ours and 1 year after it had ceased.

No one can make this decision for you plus it is far too early for you to be thinking about anything much at all. Are you saying that this affair is now finished or is he is still seeing her?

What did I do? I stayed but today sitting on my sofa after he left the home last week without telling me and has said he is not coming back as he is unhappy, I am beginning to regret that. It's a double whammy. Life hasn't been easy the last 4 + years because you never forget - not for one day. My story is something else and today I am unable to do anything constructive other than write this for you. But that is something...

Best of luck to you !

So sorry to hear this Kjlk. I echo everyone's thoughts on this - take one step at a time, one breath at a time. It is not your fault whatever he says - he will deny, blame and minimise (they all do). Talk to whoever you need to, you don't have to keep his dirty secrets, but beware of telling everyone! And yes, I would suggest that he gives you some time and space; where he goes is his problem. He needs a shock to show him that his decisions have consequences. Good luck!

If you're thinking about money, rather than your relationship, then it's already over. If you really want that deep love and trust back, you'd be working on that, rather than figuring out how you would cope financially, because the latter leads to manipulation and lies and pretending it's fine until you've sidelined enough (of his) cash to leave.
Think hard as to what you really want, and I hope that you get it :(

Have to disagree with that last comment about thinking about money....its maybe OK for some of you young things out there who have the prospect of getting or having a job. When you are at retirement age and you have literally nothing of your own due to a long marriage then it is a genuine fear and worry. We are not talking about mani/pedi money here. We are talking about just living. OK maybe we should all set aside money but it's all very difficult with having families and not working. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I'm also sorry you're going through this.

From his perspective saying he is annoyed is a clever strategy because it is aimed at aligning himself with you, with him cast as the protector against her. When in fact she owes you nothing, but he does, so he is the one who has done the wrong, as you say.

Ime they tend to deny that they had sex, regardless. So that may well not be true. 4 years is a long time.

The Shirley Glass book on affairs, which is research based, says that when men have affairs they lie that they didn't have sex and women having affairs lie that they did not love him.

I also disagree with the comment about money. I don't think it's an age thing either. News of an affair literally shakes your world to its foundations and you find yourself clinging onto anything that stays the same. When I was newly separated - age 30, fully employed, no DCs - the one thing that stopped me walking into a solicitor's office was that I thought I would be told I had to sell the house. I could almost cope with being dumped but I could not cope with the idea of losing my home on top. If I had been financially dependent like the OP I think that would have been another big source of anxiety.

It's me that is hurting so bad, spent the morning with my son. It killed me
I can't get past the length of time it's been going on....I thought he was my soul mate and best friend.
As any one else been through the same

OP, so sorry you're going through this. 4 years is a very long deception.

I'm going to go against the tide a bit and say don't tell your children yet. Because if you do decide to stay in the marriage you may wish to draw a line under everything and put it behind you, but if the children are aware then that's going to be more difficult. They may also put pressure on you to make a decision you're not ready for.

Bear in mind that you don't have to decide, right now, whether to stay or go. You can take as much time as you need to make that decision.

If your H has booked next week off work "to talk", that kind of sounds like "to talk his way out of this". I personally would ask him to pack a couple of bags and find somewhere to stay for a week or so, either with friends/family or at a hotel/B&B. You need some time to process your thoughts and feelings and think about what you want to happen next.

again I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I think before you going telling your children you need to be sure in your own mind what you want to do and how you want to take things forward. if you outpour to them its just someone elses "hurt" that you as the parent will be expected to handle. give yourself some breathing space. think about what you want to do. is this game over? could you forgive and more forward? only you know the answer to this. once you know what you want then you need to speak to your H. Some women want all the details and some want none. you need to take control of this situation now and not be passive or let things happen to you. tell him firmly what you want and how you want it to happen. he has betrayed you. the least he can do is man up and take responsibility for this mess. Once you have your plan, and you have told him, then is the time to speak to your children because they need to be clear that you have an idea of what you want out of this mess and you are going to get it. good luck. give yourself the space and time first.

Pocket saviour
You are right 4 years is a long time, what a fool I was, he only went out once a month. For a couple of hours. He says it was just sex.
He is not taking a week off only a day which I have asked him to do, as I want to know things so I am then able to try to make decisions.
I think until I decide I will not speak to the children, but I will tell them.
I am beginning to feel angry, last night I blamed myself...she is 20 years younger than me, but today realise that I am not to blame
He swears this is the only affair he has had, which I do believe as I said before we are always together, about 4 hours once a month he is out. He said it was the sex, my emotions are all over the place

Dear Kjlk, sorry you are going through this. At the moment you are in shock as each new realisation hits home. Your h is probably on a bit of a high, relieved he has been found out because the affair had possibly lost it's appeal, becoming burdensome and also because two women (seem) to want him at the moment. The enomity of what he has done to you and the lasting damage to your marriage has not hit him yet. It will will hit him (hopefully within the next couple of days or it may take longer.
You need to talk, talk and talk. He will have to take more than a day off. Take your time with making any decisions, just get through the next couple of days. Be very kind to yourself. You are not a fool. Sadly, affairs happen in many, many 'secure, long marriages.

I agree with others about him moving out for a few days. Could he stay in a hotel for a few nights.

My STBXH had an affair with a girl more than 20 years younger than me. We have young children as had them later in life. He moved out to be with her after much crying etc etc. We have not divorced yet or sorted the house out yet so there is no rush re finances. I feel I need to be very strong before I can deal with that.

When I found out about the affair I would have done anything to hold onto my marriage. Looking back now three years later i think I would have ended up a very depressed non trusting person if we had stayed together. I don't think I would have ever stopped checking his pockets etc etc. At least this way I have been able to move on even though it wasn't what I wanted at the time.

Keep strong. Don't make any decisions or agree to anything yet. Just remember it was him that had the affair and it isn't your fault. He could have talked to you four years ago.

I'm very sorry for your pain, kjlk. I imagine it must have been the most horrendous shock for you.

I would agree that your husband has neatly compartmentalised his secondary life for the four years this has been going on. I would also hazard a guess that the 'once a month' you think it has been is somewhat more than that. A woman wouldn't, I think, make plans for a future with a man that she only sees once a month.

That also begs the question as to whether your husband has feelings for her. I don't believe that he can be with somebody for four years and no develop deep feelings, feelings on both sides. Otherwise, she would be one of a few/many. I imagine he's trying to spare you (and him) from the pain this realisation will cause you but I don't believe it was just sex. It would be just sex on both sides then and the note wouldn't have happened.

I don't think you should tell your children right now. They're adults and they will cope BUT that bell cannot be un-rung. This is not about them they have nothing to do with your relationship as husband and wife. Your marriage is between you and your husband. His relationship and your relationship with your children are and can be, two distinct things. It would be up to him if he chooses to be a dad/granddad should you decide to split up. His relationship with them wouldn't have an impact on you and your love for them. They would be torn between you and, if you decide to stay together then that pain is for nothing really. Spare them or tell them - you have the right to decide for yourself. Will your husband tell them do you think? Probably not if he thinks he can keep it quiet.

What are the most pressing things for you? Do you feel that you want to talk with your husband? Do you think there's anything that you could see past/forgive him for? Do you know what HE wants? I know he's not the important one here but what he wants might be a starting point for you to decide what you want to do.

I don't think you know everything, not by a long shot. I think you have the bare minimum, stated in panic and now he's feverishly planning scenarios based on what he thinks you will/won't put up with/find out. If you're going to leave him then I would go and see a solicitor to find out what you are entitled to. That may help your decision.

If you decide you want to make a go of your marriage and stay then you have a decision to make - blot out what's happened, demand absolute faithfulness from this point on/agree to an 'open' marriage so long as you're not having your nose rubbed in it - or you can grit your teeth and demand honesty so that you can come to terms and keep going with your marriage.

You get to make the decisions at the moment, you don't have to be dependent on this man at all.

I'm so sorry.

It was only sex? I doubt that's the version he gave her and I doubt I'd want to be in a friendship who could treat someone like that, let alone how he had betrayed me.