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Original poster

hubby-to-be looking online for 'local sex' ... Do i call off the wedding?

110 replies

NewMummyCF2015 · 18/02/2015 20:02

So me and my partner have been engaged for nearly 18 months and are due to be married in august this year, i have recently given birth to our first child after being informed by doctors 2 and a half years ago that my chances of ever having a baby were dangerously low. I love him more than i could ever imagen and have never even thought about looking at another man... As far as i knew, we were really happy! There were no issues with our sex life, we were expecting our miracle baby and have not long moved into our first home together! The problem im faced with is in the past i became aware of his frequent use of porn websites so upon finding this out, i made it clear to him i wasnt happy with it as it made me feel rejected, and not satisfying enough, and i couldnt understand why he would even want to set eyes on another woman because i wouldnt even think twice about looking at another man.... anyway, this lead to a huge argument and some harsh words which dropped my confidence hugely!, however in the end, he finally understood my point of view and agreed to stop! fine, happy wife to be.....

a few months later (June 2014) - baring in mind i was 3 months pregnant, i found out he had been on websites creating profiles in search of 'dirty chats and images' .... this hurt me deeply! so again, i confronted him which again lead to another argument....i tried to talk to him and ask him why this was continuing and he said he didnt like that i dont send dirty photos and messages regular enough.... therefore, i explained again how much i hated it, and that if i tried harder to please him he must stay away from them otherwise i would leave him. he accepted this and although i wasnt comfortable doing it, i started to make him videos and tried harder to please him in that way if thats what it was going to take to keep him off the sites .....

To my knowledge, this proved to work and the online stuff that i was so against, had stopped. BUT.... i was wrong!

Our daughter is now 6 weeks old, since she was born, we have booked our wedding and started making arrangements, and even though it took 3 weeks for my lady parts to start healing and feeling slightly normal again after childbirth, we 'got down to business' in that 3rd week after her birth and again the week later even though again i wasnt really comfortable with the idea, but i didnt want him going elsewhere!!....

Yesterday i was on his emails entering a competition - to win a family holiday! - and have come across some things that have made me feel torn apart! the week before our LO was born, he had reactivated the accounts that i got rid off a few months ago AND signed up to numerous new ones....Local fuck buck buddies, shag local, flt dating and many more....

he always uses the same password so i signed into these accounts following the links in the registration emails and i checked each one.... evrey one has his photo on, his DOB on, his phone number, and this is the part that torn me - states hes single with no children and looking for casual 1 on 1 sex with 18-30 yr olds within a 20 mile radius of his local area preferably with a body type that is 'big and lovely'...

My heart sunk and my blood started to boil! i started offloading him with texts as he was at work... he didnt deny it, in fact he admitted it and when i asked him why, he simply says its because im not filthy enough!
I dont quite understand what he means, our sex life is amazing, we always both enjoy it as far as i know... then hundreds of things flew through my head, is it my looks? does he not find me attractive anymore? is it because ive lost alot of weight, i mean he is after big and lovely and now im the opposite to that so could that be it? is he not interested in having a family anymore now that LO's a few weeks old and maybe the novelty has worn off?

Bottom line is, he knew the consequences of this and still went ahead and did it, but its obviously alot more serious this time as the intention to go with another woman is there now he's searching for local sex?, but my feelings obviously meant nothing to him because he simply said he was drunk when he did it but he would come get his things after work and would leave me, so again, im left confused?... has he already got another 'filthyer' woman on the side even though he denys anything has physically happened? i dont know...

we have spoken today and i think he wants to still be with me, and doesnt want to lose his loyal wife to be and newborn daughter over what he says is 'was a moment of stupidity' but what i would call his fetish? I may be wrong, but considering this has happened a few times before (not the looking for sex part but the search for really explicit talks and photos online) and the fact that he said he doesnt know why he does it, he just does, i would say maybe he has some kind of strange pornographic obsession? because if it wasnt an actual problem, then surely he wouldnt
jepordise his family for it right?

I love this man to bits, i want to marry him, i want to spend the rest of my life with him and i cant quite understand why this has happened, but now i feel torn between two nasty ends.... have i got to become someone im not in order to keep him away from them and for our relationship to continue? Is it an actual problem he has, and if so should i help him? Do you think acts like this will lead to cheating?

But putting this one issue aside, hes kind, caring, hes a great dad, he works hard, provides for me and my daughter, he makes us laugh, and pretty much everything a woman would actually want in a man! I dont know what to do, weather to call the wedding off, or to try give it a go and work around it for the sake of our daughter? I never had a dad around and it affected me negatively growing up, so i really wanted hers to be here daily... but although i love him more than i can try explain, i dont know if i can live with someone who is going to continue this type of behavouir? ITs broken the trust now, its lowered my self esteem, and is making me withdraw from wanting to even share a bed with him never mind have sex! Im so confused...

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? If so what do you advise?
Thanks

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/02/2015 20:04

Three phrases for you

  1. I am sorry he will never change

  2. get rid of him

  3. get a STI check

GraysAnalogy · 18/02/2015 20:07

Oh god this is terrible. I'm so sorry you're in this shitty situation.

I would leave him. Absolutely.

And I think you're (understandably) trying to find excuses for his behaviour. If you genuinely think he has a porn fetish, why would he also be looking for local sex? He wouldn't. He would access the thousands of porn websites in which you don't need to sign up, and view it.

This moment of stupidity rubbish is a load of well.. rubbish. It wasn't a single moment, he's done it time and time again. And each time he answered those questions on those websites 'single, no children' he completely ignored you and your child and carried on doing it anyway.

You're much better than this and deserve a man who is trustworthy, isn't looking for someone local to shag and who respects you.

Flowers
fairgame · 18/02/2015 20:07

How are you ever going to trust him? If he can't manage a short time without doing this then how is he going to manage not to do this throughout your married life?
If you have to be someone you're not to be with him then he's not right for you. You have to feel comfortable in a relationship. You have caught him out twice so he clearly didn't care enough to stop after the first time.
A relationship should be based on trust and respect. He is lowering your self esteem and has broken your trust. It sounds like you are on different pages sex wise, you think everything is good and he is saying your not giving him what he wants. This is not a healthy relationship at all. Can you really live like this for the rest of your life?

FryOneFatManic · 18/02/2015 20:08

I agree with AF.

It's not you, it's him.

meandjulio · 18/02/2015 20:08

A moment of stupidity? He's been doing this for months to your certain knowledge!

TangledUpInGin · 18/02/2015 20:08

Jesus. That's horrific. Agree with AF.

Wotsitsareafterme · 18/02/2015 20:09

Don't marry him. My heart sank when you gave in to the sexting. How bloody dare he tell you it's your fault he's selfish and entitled and immature. Where's the loyalty??

You sound so committed and reasonable. Get rid of the dead weight I think you would be much happier

SonnyJimBob · 18/02/2015 20:10

In your eyes you have a good relationship, a new baby and you're planning to get married, and you have described him as the perfect man more or less...

But how could he be if he's looking for sex elsewhere AND appears to be totally remorseless?

You can't trust this man, he's disrespecting you and your child. I think you need to see it for what it is and end this relationship.

Wotsitsareafterme · 18/02/2015 20:10

Plus it wasn't a moment of weakness it was a prolonged period of calculated actions which he lied to your face about.

BossWitch · 18/02/2015 20:11

Get the fuck rid.

FunMitFlags · 18/02/2015 20:13

Get rid.

You deserve better and your daughter deserves a better role model as a father.

LIZS · 18/02/2015 20:14

He won't change. Don't marry him or hang around.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/02/2015 20:15

AnyFucker is spot on.

You are worth more than this. Get out now, don't marry this man.

If you need any impetus to do this, just imagine some man treating your lovely daughter this way - what would you tell her to do?

Do this for her - show her that it is not OK for men to treat women like this.

AddToBasket · 18/02/2015 20:15

Well, what would you say to a friend? Say that to yourself and mean it.

You must not go through with the marriage, obviously. You know you can't do forever after with this guy. The faster you accept that, the more happy time awaits you after you get over this one. You've given it a go but he's seedy and yucky and you can do better.

Poor you. It will get better.

bakingtins · 18/02/2015 20:16

pretty much what any woman would want

He so isn't. He's a disrespectful, unfaithful sleazeball. You and your daughter deserve so much better.

weedinthepool · 18/02/2015 20:17

You need to understand that this man will not change. Ever.

He coerced you into sex too early after childbirth, he is arranging to cheat on you in the pre marriage & newborn baby period and he has you tied up in knots that you are not good enough in bed. He is a fuck. He is so low grade I wouldn't trust my cat with him. Do not do this to yourself or your daughter. He is a mysoginist and he WILL NOT change. I was married to a woman hater and abuser and it is a complete nightmare.

PullTheBricksDown · 18/02/2015 20:19

Yes, you should call it off. If you don't, he will take it as read that he can get away with this again as you will be even less likely to end things once married. So you're consigning yourself to putting up with this for the rest of your life.

I'm not optimistic that he would change, but if you want him to, the only way for you to make him really think about his behaviour is to take it very seriously now. Tell him the wedding is off, and he needs to move out immediately and give you space because at the moment you don't ever want to set eyes on him again, he has let you down so badly. The ball is then entirely in his court.

Wadingthroughsoup · 18/02/2015 20:20

He sounds revolting. THere's nothing wrong with you; there's a great deal wrong with him.

No-one should have to be doing things they aren't comfortable with (sexually or otherwise) just to keep a partner.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I hope you can find it in yourself to get away from him. He is not going to be the sort of father anyone would want for their child.

glenthebattleostrich · 18/02/2015 20:20

Sweetheart, you and your daughter deserve better.

You need to stop looking for problems with yourself and start getting angry.

His blaming of you for his own shitty behaviour is disgraceful.

You have a 6 week old baby, your already fucking him and he still has the nerve to complain. My husband was told to sort himself out for a hell of a lot longer than 3 sodding weeks.

Tell him his actions have led to you needing a break from the relationship. Take time to rebuild your self esteem and focus on your DD.

AnyFucker · 18/02/2015 20:20

and pretty much everything a woman would actually want in a man!

I would rather die alone in a maggot infested bedsit getting eaten by alsatians than be with a man like this

Auburnsparkle · 18/02/2015 20:21

don't marry him - he is not a great father. This is not your fault.

Not only has your health been at risk but prob the health of your unborn baby. Unforgivable. Please get sti testing asap.

MadderPink · 18/02/2015 20:21

It's not your fault he did this, it's not your responsibility to be "good enough" or do enough sexy things to stop him from doing this. He will always be like this, and when he says he'll stop because you want him to, what he means is he'll try harder to keep it hidden. He's clearly shown you that.

You've been pregnant and have a tiny baby. Plenty of the women on here were not up for much sex at all at such a time, that's normal. I'm wincing at the thought of you feeling you had to be up for it 3 weeks after the birth. Please stop trying to please this man, it's not working.

It's hard when you feel you love him but I bet you absolutely anything you will look back on this and realise you are so much happier without all the stress and misery of how he's treating you.

Teladi · 18/02/2015 20:22

Please don't marry him! You are worth so much more.

Botanicbaby · 18/02/2015 20:22

You and your daughter can do better.

Agree with the others, get rid if him.

Bet he wouldn't hang around if you lied to him & went online making out you were single with no children and looking for 1-1 'filthy' sex with local 18-30yrs old men.

flatbellyfella · 18/02/2015 20:24

Let today, be the start of the rest of your new life, without this disgusting excuse for a man. He will never change his ways, don't believe a single word he tells you, take this latest episode of his abusive ways as your way out of his depraved life. You & your child will be better off ,as far away from him as possible.