Are there some people who can't do relationships?

[dontcallnotdating]

I suspect I may be one such person. I feel, deep down, that I'm not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. I'm too old now, I have three dc and I'm too much of a drama queen. I had two relationships fail last year and it confirms what I thought about myself deep down. The last guy was good looking and charismatic. I knew all alomg that he was too good for me.
Today I lay in bed a lot. Kids off for half term, so have fed and bathed them, done pancakes (shop bought) and let then watch TV. I meant to go out, but I felt so flat I couldn't muster the energy. I'm on anti ds, so don't feel sad - just numb and as if I'm not part of the world, not really. I'm just pretending.
I have stepped away from men and now I find I have zero interest in them anyway. Maybe some people aren't cut out for relationships? Maybe I'm one of them?

I know how you feel. How long have you been so low? Been to the doctor's lately?

I have been having counselling and taking 50 mg of sertraline since November and was feeling better, but I've dipped lately. I've not been to the GP for a while but I start CBT on Thursday. I had a panic attack for the first time on Thursday last.

Sounds like a good idea of yours to keep away from men for now, they're the last thing you need :-)
When you're feeling better you don't have these thoughts as badly, do you? They're part of the depression; you shouldn't trust your head when it tells you these nasty things, as it is not well.
Frankly, the vast majority of us are pretty shit at relationships, or we'd all just couple up as teenagers and stay together forever. Well, either we're all shit at it, or relationships are simply not as permanent as we'd like to hope.

How old are you?

I think the depression is part of it, but those feelings are more deep rooted than that. I married someone I didn't love because I felt that was all I deserved. Then I dared to hope for more and it didn't work. Life is very flat at the moment and I'm not sure if I can change it.

-I'm 34

Well I've given up relationships as a bad job, and funnily enough I am much happier on my own. I finally decided I'm not designed for them, and far from depressed I've never been happier.

That's pretty young to give up hope. You're not old. I'm not too old either and I'm 11 years older than you. Recently I've even started to think that I might be able to change how I think about myself. Have had some talking therapy and it's made me realise that I'm really too hard on myself. On a bad day I feel differently, like you, that I am crap. But the therapy has made me see that it really might not be true. Give the therapy a chance before you give up.

Hello dontcall

I am currently happily single. I have found as I've got older that I'm much happier being on my own. Even my last relationship started off as a FWB deal, but he wanted more... He ended things, and I was angry at the time just because it meant upheaval for me (moving house just as I was starting a new job, and I never got back the £3.5k I lent him either.)

But really I am happier on my own. I can suit myself, do all the things I enjoy, watch whatever I want on TV, go to bed when I want, eat whatever I want. My DS has now left home so it's just me and the cat. I have never felt lonely for one minute.

But... from the things you said and the reasons you gave - not thin enough, not pretty enough, too old - it sounds like you're not happy being alone, but you feel that's what you're resigned to?

You seem to feel very low about yourself and like you don't deserve happy relationships. Is there something in your life that has made you believe that? What was your experience of your parents relationship growing up?

I don't think I'm capable of relationships either. I miss my ex boyfriend like hell but he's got a new girlfriend now. He seems to attract loads of women whereas there's no way I'd be able to have a new boyfriend yet. For starters, I don't feel emotionally ready and secondly it would probably take me a couple of years to find someone who's interested! That's how long it normally takes.

I've just started CBT too and have found it a bit helpful so far. Hopefully it'll work well for you. Also, 50mg is a very low dose, once I'd upped it to 100mg I felt brilliant. I had to change ADs though and I still miss sertraline. Might be worth getting a doctor review though. Focus on the CBT and take it from there. :)

For starters, I don't feel emotionally ready and secondly it would probably take me a couple of years to find someone who's interested! That's how long it normally takes.

Maybe a sweeping statement, but I do think men tend to fall into new relationships much much quicker than women. After I split with my husband, it took me over 2 years until I wanted to even think about dating. Then I dated someone and didn't click and I just thought "Oh bollocks to this, back to my rabbit!" and didn't try again for another year

Men on the other hand, it's like they have this need to be in a relationship. I think they find being alone more frightening. Maybe it's because we're more picky?! When I left my husband he kept going on and on about how he "knew" I had another man, blah blah blah. I was like mate, you've basically put me off men FOR LIFE. And I didn't date for 2 years but within 3 months he was knocking boots with a new younger model.

I think it is easier to be happy on your own when you don't have young kiddies, though. I'm starting to enjoy being alone, too, as the kids get older, but you can't do what you want quite as much when you're cooking meals, cleaning, taking the kids to the doctor etc. rather than having the time to do what YOU want.

I think that it is hard to be on your own with young dc. Though I can't imagine a man fitting into their lives. I might see if I can get my dose upped too. It's sad to think though thatthat this is it. It's not how I imagined my life.

pocket I completely agree with you. IME, men don't leave relationships off their own backs unless there's someone else out there lined up. Equally, I don't know many men who have been single for a long time unless they don't socialise with women much or are very shy or something. My ex was the same, questioning me about whether I was seeing any other men (whilst telling me about all the women who were coming on to him ) and I was like erm no way, you've traumatised me enough as it is, I can't think of anything worse!

Please don't think this is it for you. It might be difficult now because you have young children but when they're a bit older and you feel more confident in yourself I'm sure you will find somebody. People can find love at all different ages. :)

Failure here, i doubt many MN ers with a similar tale as mine.

Your young, plenty of time to take time out and return to dating when your ready.

I am now one such person. I always found relationships [in the end]stunting, difficult and stressful, and not suited to my personality.
On my own and happy to be so, I have freedom and independence, am my own person and am not being judged or under a microscope every day. Love it.

Don't feel you're pretty enough? Smart enough? Good enough? Millions of people feel that way. Brenee Brown has written a wonderful book on this topic entitled Daring Greatly. She also has lots of supportive videos on youtube you'll find helpful including this one:

Do you have friends? If you can maintain a friendship you are managing a relationship. No difference between that and a romantic relationship IMHO.

That's an interesting post Cog. I often think that when problems arise in close relationships (including my own!) it's because people forget that basic fact and expect a partner to put up with a lot more than they would expect from any other friend.

I've been following your recent threads on Relationships, dontcall. As I recall, you had a very triumphalist thread a couple months ago about how you were resolved to quit dating, focus on yourself, and stating that you were happy with yourself as you are for the first time in forever. And you have been yo-yo'ing since: dissatisfied with evenings in on your own, and in the end still feeling as needy and as unworthy as when you were in relationships.

This is not a criticism. Your threads have stood out to me because they have been mirroring a lot of what I have been feeling (although less extreme).

It sounds like your inner self hasn't caught up with what your head knows: that you do need to be happy with yourself, and to have a well-balanced life, in order to a) keep those needy feelings at bay, and b) be a healthy person in or out of a relationship.

Give yourself time, and support.

Going cold turkey, from a life of dates and partying, to a life of evenings in with the kids, was clearly too extreme a decision. Look at the balance of your life: do you have a healthy dose of work, close relationships, and play? You need a good portion of each of these, or you will end up feeling out of kilter.

For the feelings of unworthiness, I'd recommend a combination of therapy, affirmations, meditation, exercise, and personal achievements where you demonstrate to yourself that you are capable (can be small! throwing a party, putting up a shelf... whatever feels like a small victory to you).

Everyone is somewhat shit at relationships, and all the more so when they haven't mastered their insecurities. A corollary to this is that everyone has insecurities, so you don't need to beat yourself up for having them. I think those who are most happy with themselves and most successful in relationships just have a better handle on how to manage their insecurities.

I think a balanced life will help: you'll feel less vulnerable and have a more solid backdrop for the eternal struggle of managing your insecurities.

You see I think friends put up with a lot more from each other than partners. :) It's very difficult to dump a friend, let's face it. I think sometimes it's easy to get too wound up with that loaded word 'relationship', build it up into something big and scary and then find that everyone falls short, yourself included.

Important to have high personal standards, values and not compromise too much. But otherwise, isn't it just a case of being with someone you like & who likes you? I don't have a permanent partner but I have in no way given up on relationships. I live, I love, and I engage in relationships that might not conform to any sort of traditional format but they bring something positive to me.

My sister is one. She's a horrible person. It's not a bad thing to take a break from men but I do recommend going out on dates, it gives you something to do, lets you practice people skills, is an ego boost and forces you to shave your legs and put on make up which helps make you feel good. Don't fall in love and you don't owe them sex. Taking a break doesn't mean you have to be a nun. Make an effort to have fun.

I think when I posted that thread about being happily single I really meant it. But maybe I have taken it too far. In a bid to protect myself I have totally retreated from the world and that isn't making me happy either. I worry that if I go out I'll binge drink again and that if I date I'll start the horrible negative cycle again.

Terrific advice from Goatsdoroam

That's a slightly different dilemma to 'can't do relationships'. What it sounds like is that you equate a social life with alcohol, alcohol makes you behave badly or warps your judgement, and then you get in a mess. What you 'can't do' therefore - (or can't afford to do, to be more accurate) - is alcohol.

There are hundreds of ways of having fun, being sociable and meeting new people that don't involve alcohol. There are more places to be than a pub. You don't protect yourself by withdrawing from society.