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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling really low-sex related

33 replies

TweedAddict · 17/02/2015 16:54

I'll try and keep this short, my partner doesn't ever come on too me-never! I've told/asked/said how much it upsets me and makes me feel awful, but it never improves.

Also when we do manage to have sex, as soon he gets (tmi-sorry) inside me he goes soft instantly. I've tried and tried to help/be understanding etc but it's getting me down now.

Then last night we went to bed, I came on to him and he never even touched me at all, he moved over the top of me-while I was wanking him (getting him ready) well he just cum over me, past me a tissue rolled over and went to sleep. I thought he was moving into position but obviously not.

I feel so used and upset. I really don't know where to go from here.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2015 16:56

He sounds lazy, selfish and a dead loss all round. Why have you never said anything? Have things always been this dreadful or is it a recent thing?

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 17/02/2015 16:56

Is he prepared to speak to his GP or go to sex counselling with you with relate?

If the answer is no. It's best to end it.

I married someone who had erectile dysfunction issues it was very disheartening and affected my self esteem hugely. He denied there was anything wrong. He also watched a lot of porn which didn't help I suspect.

Original poster
TweedAddict · 17/02/2015 17:00

We've been together for 3 years the past year has been like this.

He says he will get it sorted, but nothing has ever been done.

In all other areas he's fine. Just the bedroom and a few trust issues over a letter he wrote to his ex while we were together but that was early on into the relationship

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 17/02/2015 17:13

Oh tweed I know it feels awful to end a relationship over this but trust me, you deserve a satisfying sex life with someone you're compatible with.

Original poster
TweedAddict · 17/02/2015 18:23

God this is so messed up!

OP posts:
flux500 · 17/02/2015 18:30

Since he has no problem when in hand so to speak maybe he has been watchi jg porn and can only come from a death grip? Confused

Original poster
TweedAddict · 17/02/2015 19:26

Don't think its porn to be honest. He obviously just doesn't find me attractive any more

OP posts:
ToYouToMe · 17/02/2015 20:04

Viagra would almost certainly solve this. But sounds like your partner is not willing to consider it. That would be selfish and you deserve better. Could I ask your age and his?

ScrambledEggAndToast · 17/02/2015 20:12

My last bf was similar to that. In 16 months, he never once initiated sex. I put it down to him being a virgin prior to our relationship but tbh, after about 3-4 months, you'd have thought he would have started coming on to me. I found it doesn't make you feel very desirable Grin

flux500 · 17/02/2015 20:13

But @tweed he came over you when he was what you thought was getting in position for sex he came very quickly while looking down on you. I think it's his bad and not yours Smile

AnyFucker · 17/02/2015 20:18

God, how utterly grim

Original poster
TweedAddict · 17/02/2015 20:45

Flux500, he hadn't even touched me though at all, my god it was awful, I've never felt so used.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 17/02/2015 21:07

Oh Tweed that's awful. The fact that he didn't say anything. I mean a lot of blokes will have an accidental early jizz now and then but you do expect at least "Whoops, sorry! I'll still get you off."

What would you like to happen? Is the relationship good in other ways? Can you talk about things openly?

pickles184 · 17/02/2015 21:17

Is he normally embarrassed/apologetic/keen to make up for his lack of performance?

Original poster
TweedAddict · 17/02/2015 21:25

Normally just shies away, doesn't try to work though it.

Is all good in other ways, apart from trust. But he fucked that up big time too, that he also just brushes under the carpet.

OP posts:
Jackw · 17/02/2015 21:32

He has some sort of sexual problem. Could be physiological, could be psychological. I understand him not wanting to go to his GP because it is very embarrassing. Only you can decide whether to insist or not. But the big issue is that he has taken no steps at all to give you pleasure. Sex doesn't have to be penetration. A loving partner would give you pleasure in other ways. He doesn't. I don't think that this is acceptable in a relationship and I think you feel that too. So, I would suggest that it is time for a very frank conversation. If he really doesn't fancy you then you both need to get out of this relationship or you will both be utterly miserable. Don't let him fob you off, find out what's going on in his head.

Milllli · 17/02/2015 21:37

What was/is the big issue with the ex?

pickles184 · 17/02/2015 21:42

I hate to say it OP, but it really doesn't sound as though he cares a great deal for your well being or happiness. There is of course more to life than sex, but he is making absolutely no effort towards your sexual satisfaction, none whatsoever? It is hardly the basis for a healthy relationship, especially one that has separate trust issues being blatantly ignored as well.
I can see no benefit in any of this for you, does he support you in all/any other areas of life or is he equally selfish and ignorant to your needs elsewhere?

SensationalGirl · 18/02/2015 07:12

Take a lover. Life is too short to not be heartily banged regularly.

KoalaKoo · 18/02/2015 08:23

It's not just the erectile dysfunction is it, your example also shows that he is selfish in bed. Viagra and it's cheaper equivalents can now be bought annonymously from UK online pharmacies, there are also effective herbal products. But you can't actually know whether it's a physical or medical problem, a psychological problem or a porn problem without a deep and honest talk and maybe a trip to the doctors.

chinstrappenguin · 18/02/2015 09:42

OP, this isn't about sex, this is about your dp's lack of respect for you. If he won't talk to you, speak to the GP or make you feel loved outside of the bedroom then I think you should seriously be considering your future.

woriedaboutfuture · 18/02/2015 10:03

OP my DP is the same!

I have always been of the opinion that I should just put up with it because 'sex isn't everything.' My DP actually makes a joke out of it. He has never gone down... ever. Despite me doing so on a regular basis for him. I have mentioned it to him and he either takes offence or laughs it off.

I had a huge argument with him recently where I said even if you cum early..you can still...do me. His respnse was that he just didn't want to and had never liked doing that.

I thought this was a common occurance...this thread is making me re-think.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 18/02/2015 10:08

Oh worried. Good God such a selfish lover. It's no normal. There are good men out there in the bedroom and outside of it.

pocketsaviour · 18/02/2015 10:20

worried, that would be the point where I'd say "okay then, I'll sort myself out", get out the rabbit and stick YouPorn on on my ipad, selecting a video I'd previously favorited featuring a guy with a massive dick. Or possibly of a woman doing a man with a strap on, if you want to really traumatize him.

Seriously though, that's some really selfish shit. Life's way too short to waste on someone who doesn't care about your sexual needs, only their own.

AmyElliotDunne · 18/02/2015 10:26

Selfish bastard, get rid. Why did he imagine you were coming onto him Tweed? Just so that you could watch him get some pleasure and go to sleep?! He obviously doesn't have a problem getting it up, just with being a decent human being and saving it until you are satisfied.

It's perfectly natural for him to be knackered afterwards and not feel like carrying on once he's done, but that's why a decent man makes sure you are happy first.