Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't want to get married in May

39 replies

Cosmomouse · 17/02/2015 14:11

I have been with DP for 7 years in May and we have an 8 week old DS. Everything is good in our relationship, I want to be with him and no-one else.

We are due to get married in. 10 weeks time and all we have done is book the registry office and reception venue. I've just looked to begin making some invitations and could quite happily throw them in the fire, I couldn't give a shit about the wedding and being made a spectacle of. My mum encouraged me to order a dress and it has arrived and I feel nothing, no excitement or happiness.

This has nothing to do with DP and everything to do with me not being bothered about making it official. I'd quite happily bumble along as we are forever, maybe with another DC a couple of years down the line! Smile

I am an inch away from calling it off, but I know my Mum will throw a blue fit. She wants to pay for everything and having lost her husband and dad last year, tells me it is keeping her going thinking of the wedding. I going to feel like a huge shit if I cause her more heartache.

Also, there is DS to think of - will having unmarried parents affect him? I want him to grow up knowing he is part of a strong family Sad

I am so torn! Have told DP how I feel and he has been brilliant and accepting but I know I have hurt his feelings and made him sad.

OP posts:
Finola1step · 17/02/2015 14:20

You really don't have to do something that you don't want to do.

I will share my wedding experience with you. We had been together for 9 years, very happy. I wanted to be married but wasn't bothered about the getting married bit. I didn't feel that giddy excitement. I never dreamt of a fairytale wedding. I bought the first dress I tried on, no bridesmaids, got myself ready in the day etc. No silly photographer making me pose in ridiculous ways. A short registery office ceremony followed by a wedding luncheon. Close family only. Then off on a fab honeymoon.

I didn't feel it was the most wonderful day of my life (that was when my dc were born). It was a nice day.

We've been married now for nearly 9 years. Through some tough times with losing my dad and his mum. That's the important bit.

Hoppinggreen · 17/02/2015 14:20

Are you " not bothered" or do you actually NOT want to.
If it's just the first and it will make people you care about happy then do it but if it's something you actually don't want to do then you really shouldn't.
Don't worry about your DS though, you can be a strong family and not married.

Only1scoop · 17/02/2015 14:23

If you don't actually want to get married then don't.

It's not about everyone else it's about how you feel about this. It won't make you a better parent....better partner or daughter. If it's not on your priorities just cancel. Doesn't sound like you have heaps to cancel at this stage.

Hissy · 17/02/2015 14:24

I am an inch away from calling it off, but I know my Mum will throw a blue fit

This is not her right to do this. She can't MAKE you do something for HER benefit.

It IS better for you from a legal/financial perspective to be married, but if you don't want the fuss of a big day, then don't bother. It's a lot of money and if your Mum is paying you can bet your last penny that she will (given what you have said here) tell you how to spend it.

This is your life, do what makes you happy, not what others expect and demand of you.

Hissy · 17/02/2015 14:24

your mother is manipulating you. stop that right now. she has no right to do that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2015 14:27

There are quite a few advantages to being married. Underneath all the froth and bubble what you're actually signing is a pretty hard-nosed, legally binding contract that affects kinship status, inheritance rights and asset/property rights. If you have children together it makes a lot of sense to formalise the partnership.

That said, it would be wrong to get married to please others. If you don't like spectacle, keep it quiet. If you don't want a fancy dress, turn up in your jeans. If you don't want to get married at all, don't get married.

Only1scoop · 17/02/2015 14:29

All that Cog says also regarding the Nitty gritty stuff. I'm not married but we own property together have a dd so we have a co habitation agreement.

ImperialBlether · 17/02/2015 14:32

Personally I would take a long look at the Relationships board and see what has happened to so many women where they've given up work/gone part-time/worked at a lower level, don't co-own the house etc and it's all gone wrong and they are left with nothing.

I'd then water-tight the relationship so that IF anything went wrong, you are covered.

But you could look at getting married as a way of doing that whilst telling everyone you love this man and intend to stay with him.

It's your choice, but please be very sensible about your finances and don't rely on everything being good between you - it's fantastic if it is, but you don't have a crystal ball so it's better to sort it all out now and look forward to a happy, long lasting relationship in the knowledge that if something does go wrong, you'll be able to manage.

Didactylos · 17/02/2015 14:34

concentrate on your DP and the marriage/relationship bit rather than the day? eg I do want to be married to you but I am not fussed about the 'wedding' - what can we do to make it more our day/what do you want it to be like, write down your ideas, and then change things

has your mum taken over control a bit too much?

kind of know how you feel - I hate being the centre of attention as does DP, plus we had a baby - it really wasnt for us to have a breathless 'our special day/lets get married moment' although we were keen to be married (mostly to sort out legal issues etc) we were like you, more 'we have built something/are comitted/lets continue sauntering along like this'

it ended up a good experience because it made us talk through what we wanted the day to be like and what we both wanted for the future - we made the focus v much on children and family, not on 'us', we had a very short funny but personal ceremony and a big rowdy kids party followed by games and a silly pissup

GoatsDoRoam · 17/02/2015 14:35

Have the wedding that YOU want.

If you want to get married to your DP, but a short registry affair with next to no reception is what sounds right to you (or whatever scenario floats your boat), then do that.

It's your wedding, not your mother's. No wonder you are feeling dread and resentment if you are being pushed into something you don't want, in order to please another person.

GoatsDoRoam · 17/02/2015 14:37

Since you haven't sent the invitations, you really still have complete flexibility to change the plans to suit YOU.

Bookings can be cancelled. Truly, they can.

MaudeLebowski · 17/02/2015 14:56

Don't spend the money.

Keep the registry office, wear whatever you choose to on the day, and have a get together at home as a compromise.

CatKitten · 17/02/2015 15:33

what's the main problem for you OP?

is it positively not wanting to get married? (an active decision against)
is it not really carrying about getting married?
is it not wanting to get married in this way?

There are legal advantages to both you and your child if you are married. If you are just a bit irritated by the control aspect, then I'd go with it. If it's a more fundamental objection then you can call it off.

Viviennemary · 17/02/2015 15:41

I think if you are having second thoughts about getting married is your partner the right one for you. I am in favour of marriage and think people who have children should be married for a variety of reasons. But if you choose not to that's up to you. You don't have to save for years and have bridesmaids and a honeymoon in Barbados. You just get married quietly with two witnesses if you don't like fuss.

FlabbyMummy · 17/02/2015 15:47

I would suggest postponing it, having an 8 week old baby is exhausting, I couldn't have mustered up the energy to wedding plan at that point. Postpone it for a year or so.

The pressure from your Mum is unfair, If you cancel this date and tell your Mum that it is being postponed she needs to back off.

heartisaspade · 17/02/2015 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mix56 · 17/02/2015 15:55

I just skipped to the end.
even if its a big faff, & you are not "into" being married. LEGALLY it is the only way to get fair protection.
You clearly couldn't care at the moment, but you might if your DP goes off in 6 years time with some bit from work.... I know many people will come down on me for not playing the "romance" card
well, I'm old enough now to se so many people shafted by their husbands cheating.... try reading some of the threads on here....
welcome to reality
Sorry OP !

BolshierAyraStark · 17/02/2015 15:58

Why don't you want to do it? Is it the fuss or the marriage bit you're not into? If its the fuss then just have a low key affair-a wedding is what you make it. If it's the marriage then i'd say you're with the wrong person sorry.

You're DP is right to be hurt.

Damnautocorrect · 17/02/2015 16:03

Assuming your struggling with the wedding rather than marriage. I feel exactly the same, I don't want the fuss or to be the centre of attention, I don't want to take his name and I really don't want to be married.
I do however, recognise it's the only way to really sort things like inheritance, tax, assets etc.
I do wish heterosexual couples could have civil partnerships.

heartisaspade · 17/02/2015 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scotchmincepie · 17/02/2015 16:08

At the stage you are at in the planning I would quite happily have gone to registry office on our own. But I got married slightly against my better judgement with a 'do' - had a lovely day, but wasn't the best day of my life.

But I do feel happier knowing that we are married. I haven't changed my name, very little actually changed. But there's a lot of built in security that you have to otherwise replicate via solicitors.

But, no, lots of people aren't married - just make sure you have done the legal bits in case it goes wrong or something bad happens. So make wills, Enduring powers or attorney, and make sure the house is sorted.

newstart15 · 17/02/2015 16:18

I'm sure having such a young baby must be draining and I could totally understand why you can't be bothered.I didn't have my ds christened for over a year simply because of the organisation of it all.

Is your mum sympathic to this at all? I would have thought having a grandchild is more significant but as a mum tof a daughter I can imagine wanting her wedding day to feel special to her..But that's it, it should be what she wants not me!

If I had my time again I would go for a tiny wedding with a meal after..no faff at all.

FinallyHere · 17/02/2015 16:28

Being married is a lovely thing between two people. As lots of people have said, it gives a strong legal framework between the two of you. If you don't care for the fuss, how about doing it just the two of you, with your baby. Then have a big family party, when the little one is just a tad older, and you are less tired.

Its all about you and OH, nowt to do with your mother. Find a kind way to tell her. HTH, xx

Patchworkpatty · 17/02/2015 16:42

Just to add that there is so much more protection for you and your child/future children when married than cohabitation. There is no 'cohabitation agreement' that will afford you the same rights as marriage will. You may be able to get a lawyer to draught an agreement that covers a lot of the rights but definitely not all. (eg.There is no right to inherit your spouse's state pension on death or divorce unless married) and it will cost an awful lot more than a marriage license for something not as adequate. I completely understand not wanting the big 'do' but as others have said, you can make it as low key as you wish, but I would definitely not have a advise having a child without marriage. best friend got completely shafted last year after 25 yrs and four kids because her 'd' p didn't believe in marriage until his mistress insisted nothing less would suffice !

Scotchmincepie · 17/02/2015 16:58

I've read your OP again. Is there something there about a wedding - or getting married, makes it all very official. I know you say you are committed to him - and I completely believe that - but the thing about a marriage is that it is a legally binding contract that only a court can get you out of.

It is quite hardnosed if you aren't that keen on marriage but are doing it in order to tie up the loose ends, it's not romantic or lovely when you get past all the lovey dovey stuff. It's actually quite a hard nosed thing to do.

So maybe you just suck that up, do it for the kid and future kids, and do it exactly the way you want to. And carry on as before.

But have a party for your mum's sake, it sounds like she needs something to cheer her up.