Don't want to get married in May

[Cosmomouse]

I have been with DP for 7 years in May and we have an 8 week old DS. Everything is good in our relationship, I want to be with him and no-one else.

We are due to get married in. 10 weeks time and all we have done is book the registry office and reception venue. I've just looked to begin making some invitations and could quite happily throw them in the fire, I couldn't give a shit about the wedding and being made a spectacle of. My mum encouraged me to order a dress and it has arrived and I feel nothing, no excitement or happiness.

This has nothing to do with DP and everything to do with me not being bothered about making it official. I'd quite happily bumble along as we are forever, maybe with another DC a couple of years down the line!

I am an inch away from calling it off, but I know my Mum will throw a blue fit. She wants to pay for everything and having lost her husband and dad last year, tells me it is keeping her going thinking of the wedding. I going to feel like a huge shit if I cause her more heartache.

Also, there is DS to think of - will having unmarried parents affect him? I want him to grow up knowing he is part of a strong family

I am so torn! Have told DP how I feel and he has been brilliant and accepting but I know I have hurt his feelings and made him sad.

What's the problem, the wedding or the marriage?

I can see why the wedding would be a big deal but I think marriage is best, especially with children involved.

I was never into the whole big day thing. We got married in a registry office in Cornwall as we both love it there with only our mums, my sisters and brother, huddy's niece and a couple of his friends. We had a meal at the hotel then went clubbing (not the mums). Perfect! We also had a 1 year old then too.

I couldn't have thought of anything worse than a full wedding day for us. It must have been good, especially was born 9 months later ??

Especially as day was born 9 months later.

Ds, damned auto correct! :)

We both hate fuss. We didn't tell anyone apart from our two witnesses and just went and did it.

Though, you might want to postpone it. I would definitely not be planning a wedding with an 8 week old baby. Couldn't even get through a film on telly when my youngest was that age!

We had no guests at all at our wedding, I didn't wear a dress and the only people we told in advance were our witnesses. It was lovely. Why not just do it like that and get rid of all the extraneous nonsense? In fact, you could even do it and not tell anyone!

Wow thanks for all of your replies, some very sensible points there :-)

It is definately the wedding and not the marriage that I don't have the motivation to organise. If I could do the tiny registry office and meal afterwards I would in a heartbeat but my mum would be upset at that suggestion.

I have spoken to DP this evening and have told him that of course I do want to marry him... It's just all too much. I know there are some comments above suggesting he isn't the right 'one' - that is absolutely not the case.

I guess I have to rock the boat a bit and be strong about what we want (DP doesn't mind how big or small the wedding is) and risk upsetting people.

Feeling a bit braver now!

My DD got married on Sunday, she had the most amazing day but was close to calling off the wedding three weeks before because she didn't think she could handle the attention. She said she wished she could just go abroad and do it quietly. As it is she had a great day and is so glad she went through with it.

I think when you have a baby your mind is occupied with the baby and there is no room for anything else. If you are finding it too much get your mum to organise it or cancel it till the end of the year.

I'd just get married (sorts out the legal stuff). You don't even have to tell anyone.
Then if you want the big thing later - you can have a blessing (Church or Humanist or write your own). Your Mum is going to have to learn its your life, and you want different things from her.

Fuckng hell

An 8 week old baby! I could barely organise myself to get out of the house. It is bloody knackering.

I think BEING married is a very good idea, legally. As a woman with a baby I'd say it would be very sensible to marry.

However, there's no way I could have organised anything with an 8wo baby. I'd be tempted to tell your mum you've postponed. Then nip down the registry office on the quiet. Only tell your mum when it is done and dusted.

I have been with DH for 18 years, we have now been married for one.
I wasn't bothered about marriage, but we had 2 kids together and it started bothering me.

• no legal protection. The house we owned together, the cars we owned together... It all became complicated with wills etc.
• I was not his next of kin, so if he was in hospital critically ill his parents were his next of kin.
• I had to travel with my children's birth certificates to prove I was their mother.
• the school never addressed me by my right name, always assuming I was married. For some reason it really bothered me.

When we decided to have a 3rd, I said only if we get married. Which we did, I was 6 months pregnant. We had a low key do and had an absolute ball, my only regret is that we did not do it sooner. Of course you are not going to behave like an excited 16 year old, you have a baby and more important things to worry about now. But don't let it put you off. I organised my wedding in about 2 months flat, no faff, no frills, for me the most important bit was the registry wedding, what it meant about our relationship. The rest was just a big party.

And as for your mum, it is none of her business, but when you get to a certain age you start appreciating what a celebration weddings are, and what an opportunity they are to meet family and friends in happy circumstances. I always thought If we got married it would be a quiet do with just our parents. Then my sister had a big wedding and that was the last time I saw my godfather and my cousin, who both died within a couple of years. I am so glad I got to see them then, funerals are no fun at all.

Just think of your motives, is it that you can't be bothered about the faff of organising it, or that you actively do not want to be married?

Ps you can still get married in May and have a big party next year when baby is older.

I must say at my wedding I had a special moment at the high table gazing at the room full of happy people that I loved and who loved me. I know I was full of pregnancy hormones, but it was a special happy moment!