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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Worried I'm forcing children's dad out of their lives. Am I being unfair.

60 replies

Onmyownwith4kids · 17/02/2015 09:28

Discovered hisband's affair 18 months ago. I tried to save the marriage but he stepped up the deceit until I had no option but to divorce him. I've bought him out of the house so it's mine. All this time he's been living with his girlfriend at her parent's house. He never sees the children at holidays and weekends but often had them after school in my house while I'm at work. I hate having him swanning in and out. It makes it hard to move on. I suggested he set up home nearby so he could have the kids overnight sometimes and in his house at weekends. He said I was being controlling he'd do what he wanted and he's not paying rent. He's never been good with money and is swiftly getting through the house money he had. I can't see him ever setting up home. Yesterday I interviewed after school nannies. I found someone lovely to start in April and discovered although it will really put pressure on finances I can claim a lot through tax credits. The idea of him not coming back here all the time and every so often asking if I will take him back gives me huge relief but an I being selfish in pushing him out. The children seem really happy and I don't want to ruin that. They never ask to see him or talk about him but am I denying them the contact they have by doing this. Would be so grateful for advice.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2015 09:34

Your home is your home. Access is access. You are obliged to facilitate access but you are not obliged to have your ex swanning in and out of your home - especially if he's harping on about returning. It's his responsibility to set up a home suitable for his DCs to visit. If he doesn't have that, he can take them out for the day the way other absent parents do.

You would not be denying contact or acting in a controlling/unreasonable way, just relocating it to something which most people would regard as 100% normal. May be worth getting legal advice and putting your proposal in writing.

CuriousOranj · 17/02/2015 09:35

You would not be denying them contact by not letting him in your house, because he could easily arrange to see them elsewhere.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2015 09:37

Are you kidding ?

it's his responsibility to facilitate contact with his own kids, not you

you gave even more than generous letting him do that in your space for a while but that could never be long term

take a step back, love, if contact drops that will be down to him

close your ears to any self pitying whining that comes your way...He chose his bed

Hoppinggreen · 17/02/2015 09:38

You are not denying contact, you are just saying he can't come into your home. The fact that he used to live there is irrelevant and him having access is muddying the waters and possibly giving him and the children hope you will get back together.
If you don't want yo be the baddy you could tell him that due to benefits you can't risk being accused of him living there

Onmyownwith4kids · 17/02/2015 09:49

Thank you. I feel so bad as I know when I start my new arrangement he will not see them nearly as much. He's never taken them out. I've just felt more and more lately as if he's almost having the life he had before affair was discovered. He comes back, plays happy families and then waltzes off back to her. I am just dreading the fallout . I also want the children to have a good relationship with their dad but am also slightly worried this has been an odd situation for them. They know their dad has a girlfriend but then see him crying all over me about his upset that I have divorced him. Just had paperwork and it's upset him. You get so immersed in these situations it becomes hard to know what's normal

OP posts:
misspantomime · 17/02/2015 09:50

OP, YANBU. My mother made this mistake with my Dad, felt so guilty over divorce she let him let himself into the house whenever he wanted for a year. He was v controlling, had no boundaries at all. In the end she had to stop it. He was livid but it didn't do us any harm - it's more confusing for kids the other way round.

Aussiemum78 · 17/02/2015 09:54

He's crying in front of the kids that you divorced him? After he cheated? Jerk.

Tell him to fuck off. What a child. He's not your problem and you aren't denying access you just don't want his stinky ass eating your food and sitting on your couch.

Karmacomes · 17/02/2015 09:54

YANBU. It's your home and you deserve to feel at ease in it at all times. It's up to him to step up and sort out a home for his children as well now.

Aussiemum78 · 17/02/2015 09:55

I wonder if the Gf parents know he was married and has kids?? If she's young maybe it's "secret"?

Sethspeaks · 17/02/2015 09:59

No you're definitely not forcing him out of their lives, you are doing them good by not subjecting them to his behaviour.

He is perfectly capable of arranging his own contact with them.

BertieBotts · 17/02/2015 10:01

You have to take the moral high ground and try not to feel angry, bitter or resentful. Yes he will take the piss. He will have his cake and eat it. It's shit but there's nothing you can do about it and feeling resentful about it will just hurt you.

Tell him to man up and stop crying in front of the kids, it's not their fault.

Onmyownwith4kids · 17/02/2015 10:17

You've made me feel better about my decision thank you! It is partly selfish as he lets the kids run wild so when I get in at 7.30 nobody's in bed (3 of them are under 8) it's so much easier to get them in to a routine without him about. I start feeling sorry for him ( really don't want him back. Initially devastated but now see affair was just part of him being a lazy, entitled arse) he keeps telling me he doesn't want to be with his girlfriend but now has no other option. I feel sorry for both of them. Awful situation to be in but I want to remove myself from the whole sorry drama!

OP posts:
StripeyCustard · 17/02/2015 10:20

Well done OP for getting rid of such a man-child. He made his bed.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2015 10:20

"I also want the children to have a good relationship with their dad "

That's his responsibility btw, not yours. If he neglects his DCs and ends up with no relationship or a 'not bothered' relationship, then he has to accept the consequences.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2015 10:21

...and so you should

he got what he wanted, right ? It's not your problem if the Love's Young Dream hasn't turned out like he thought it would

Karmacomes · 17/02/2015 10:23

Quite right, he created the drama, let him deal with it

Worried I'm forcing children's dad out of their lives. Am I being unfair.
Onmyownwith4kids · 17/02/2015 10:56

Thanks for replying. Feel so much better. Couldn't sleep last night as felt so guilty. It was a massive step for me employing a nanny. I've been considering it for ages. It's him spending money on the most ridiculous car that made me realise he's never going to have a home for his kids and would still be coming back here for years

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/02/2015 11:09

Good fo you. Make your own life now, only considering what is best for you and the kids.

misspantomime · 17/02/2015 11:23

Well done, OP. My mum was also on her own with 4 kids. She's done an amazing job.

Emu1969 · 17/02/2015 11:29

Lots of good advice. All of this said, it's tempting to shut the door on your ex if he's been such an arse; but not talking about him (which doesn't meant the kids aren't thinking about him btw) will lead to awkwardness and resentment when he decides he wants to step up as a dad again- which is likely. I would sometimes remind him about varying opportunities to see them - hard for you, but non your children's interests long term.

Jan45 · 17/02/2015 11:43

Stop feeling sorry for him, he's not your concern anymore, he shat all over you and your marriage so save your pity for someone who actually deserves it.

As for access, you need to stop doing his job for him, he's the dad, let him be one, or not, entirely up to him.

bloodyteenagers · 17/02/2015 11:53

Well if he doesn't want to be with his gf, that's his problem. He decided to fuck someone else. He has to take responsibility. Any mention of not wanting to be with her, stop him. Tell him it's not your problem and you don't give a shit. Each and every time.

He cries in front of the children about his fuck up.. Suggest they go and get a drink, then tell him to man the fuck up and stop emotionally abusing his children.

Stop facilitating contact. Again it's his responsibility.

It's all down to him. He was the one that cause all this. Your concern is that of your children and yourself. He has to arrange contact and everything else. He should have considered all this before he screwed someone else.

HowardTJMoon · 17/02/2015 12:03

he keeps telling me he doesn't want to be with his girlfriend but now has no other option

What a tremendous load of bollocks. "Oh boo-hoo, I had an affair and fucked over my wife because I couldn't keep my cock in my trousers and now it's not turned out to be all sunshine and roses. And my wife has the cheek to divorce me for that! And now I can't leave my girlfriend's parents because I've pissed all my money up the wall like some irresponsible teenager. And I'm such a ridiculous, pathetic man-child how could I possibly manage to look after myself like any other grown-up can?"

Bollocks to him. Being a father is about putting yourself out to do what's best for your children. He's failed. That's not your fault, or your children's. You can keep trying to hide his failure from your children but sooner or later it's going to become obvious. How much actual parenting does he do when he comes over? Or is it more likely that he just sits himself down in your nice comfy home, using your wifi and drinking your coffee, while the kids run riot?

He needs to grow the fuck up and sort himself the fuck out. If he can't be bothered then you have no obligation whatsoever to continue letting this loser into your home.

Emu1969 · 17/02/2015 12:05

Agree his girlfriend thing isn't the issue and he should shut up about it. I wasn't saying contact should be facilitated, so much as saying don't shut door on his existence entirely for your kids' sake.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2015 12:06

I would stop his access to your home wholesale from right this minute. He gets to be the McDonald's Daddy he hankered after.

OP, you don't sound like the vindictive sort and it seems you have no desire to hurt him for the sake of it. Fair play to you. But by propping up this inadequate man you do yourself, your children and even him no favours at all

give him his freedom, properly...his to man up or fuck up as he sees fit

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