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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP doesn't know if he loves me.

44 replies

ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 06:32

I'm heartbroken. We have a 1yo DD. Been rowing lots about everything - how to bring up DD, to little minor things. We have massive differences of opinion on things.

I don't know where we go from here.

Not sure why I am posting. Have mentioned in the past on here we are having troubles, but it got a bit better.

I'm also terrified as I have nowhere to go. The house belongs to him. I have no savings. I know this is a stupid position to be in.

I don't know what to do. I love him. But I can't make him love me - I don't know if he does anymore. Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2015 08:01

I always think that kind of statement 'I don't know how I feel' is a horribly cruel thing to say to someone. I suggest, for your own self respect, that you don't put your life on hold waiting for him to make up his mind. If you've made the mistake of making yourself financially vulnerable and are dependent in him, you have to do something to address that. Get information, get paid work, talk to housing departments, see if friends or family can help you .... but make plans for life solo. He does not have the right to decide your fate

Original poster
ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 08:45

You're so right. I work FT. Am booking the rest of the week off to sort stuff out. Thank you for your reply.

OP posts:
Fugghetaboutit · 17/02/2015 08:46

How were things before the baby?

I know I didn't love my p much when our dc was 1

Original poster
ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 08:53

Good, fugg. Really good. Baby was planned! She sleeps all night so although we are busier than we were, and he works long hours we are asleep all night most nights so I can't blame it on sleep deprivation. It's like we've drifted apart emotionally.

OP posts:
VioletMoon4683 · 17/02/2015 08:56

What do you argue about?

slugseatlettuce · 17/02/2015 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2015 08:59

The trouble is that he hasn't said... 'we've drifted apart emotionally, how can we get closer?' or 'we're not getting on so well, what can we do about it?'... he's said (if I'm reading it right) 'I don't know if I love you'. There's not a lot you can do with that.

How was it left? Are you supposed to try harder to be more loveable?

BeeRayKay · 17/02/2015 09:06

:-( hug*

Original poster
ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 09:08

Violet - anything and everything. Political views, how to discipline DD, usually i research stuff and make suggestions but he just wants to do it his way. Money. Who is doing the ironing. Mundane day to day stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 09:09

Cog. I know Confused
I'm not sure what I am supposed to do with that revelation!

OP posts:
Original poster
ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 09:10

Thanks Bee. Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2015 09:22

As I said originally, the only thing you can do with a revelation like that is take stock of your situation and prepare for independence. You can't change someone's feelings and I presume you don't think you're behaving unreasonably? He doesn't appear to be offering you any kind of vision of a better future together, just a shot across the bows that if you don't do things his way, his love is withdrawn....

AnyFucker · 17/02/2015 09:24

quite often this sort of statement precedes the discovery of an affair, or at least the intention to have one

any signs of that ?

Original poster
ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 09:29

I doubt it AF. He doesn't go out unless it's with us really. Works all day, no late nights or anything.
I've just emailed the local housing team - for advice. I have literally nothing. Probably about £200 tops.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/02/2015 09:33

I wouldn't rule it out. Work can be a cover for all sorts of stuff. Does he spend much time online/on his phone ?

Original poster
ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 09:36

No - that's one of the things we argue about. I'm on Mumsnet too much Blush
He isn't bothered about phone at all, and isn't secretive about who has text or what he's looking at. Honestly I'm 99.9% sure it's not that (although now I'm being a bit paranoid! I'll ask the question tonight!)

OP posts:
Drumdrum60 · 17/02/2015 10:45

Hmmmmm but he's being highly critical of you for no reason. What's playing on his mind? I would be suspicious.

Drumdrum60 · 17/02/2015 10:51

And I wouldn't ask the question because he would just lie. Just be aware. He has no right to terrify you like this. Try to control things yourself. Tell him if that's really how he feels then you have no choice but to think about divorce.
He hasn't thought this through has he?
Why are you arguing so much? Stop now. Don't give your power away no matter what he says. Easier said than done. But taking control works.

Original poster
ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 11:07

Thanks everyone for your advice. I do need to maintain some self respect - he can be highly critical - not sure it's for no reason - I'm not perfect. I can't do anything more can I.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/02/2015 11:10

No, and don't even try Thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2015 11:12

Trying to be perfect is allowing yourself to be set up to fail. Definitely don't fall into that trap.

Ledkr · 17/02/2015 11:19

I spent far too long with my xh after we'd grown apart and no longer got on.
In the end the fucker cheated and that hurt like buggery and damaged the children greatly.
To be fair tho if it wasn't him it would have been me, and once the initial crap was over I restarted a much happier life and the relief was immense.
If it's over its over but life can still be amazing. X

Inasimilarboat · 17/02/2015 11:20

Why does everyone on MN jump straight to the affair card!

Men often struggle to communicate their emotions more and what comes out as "I don't know if I love you anymore" can often mean "I'm struggling with how our relationship has developed and I don't know what to do about it".

At least he has opened up and tried to talk to you.

I doubt he is having an affair, it sounds like he is just unhappy with the relationship and doesn't know how to improve things.

You need to sit down and talk about how to make yourselves happy. What is missing from your relationship? How can you reconnect emotionally if you have drifted apart? If you both try and then it still doesn't work out at least you know you have given it your best shot.

It's expected to be hurt and upset at what he said, but try not to think it has to mean the end of your relationship.

A few years ago my hubby said he didn't know if he loved me anymore. I was devasted. No affair, we had drifted apart and he wasn't happy with how our lives had panned out. We talked a lot and he decided it wasn't that he didn't love me, it was that he didn't love the life we had created. And so we made plans to change it. I stopped snapping and nagging, I opened up more about the things that were bothering me, he committed more time to our relationship and we built it back up. We still find things difficult some times, we have one of those marraiges that take some work, but we are both committed to working through any issues together. We both also made a promise that if we were ever certain we didn't want to be together anymore we would talk about it and then end it rather than be together just for the sake of it.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2015 11:21

I my H told me he wasn't sure he still loved me, I would tell him to leave at least for a while and come back when he had made his mind up. Of course, he would be taking the risk that in his absence I had decided he wasn't All That after all and I had moved on without him

Don't let him leave this sword over your head. Take some control over the situation. if he wants out....off he goes. he doesn't get to still feel the warm fires of home if he is stoking another one somewhere else, or thinking he could find something better.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2015 11:23

*if