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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP doesn't know if he loves me.

44 replies

ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 06:32

I'm heartbroken. We have a 1yo DD. Been rowing lots about everything - how to bring up DD, to little minor things. We have massive differences of opinion on things.

I don't know where we go from here.

Not sure why I am posting. Have mentioned in the past on here we are having troubles, but it got a bit better.

I'm also terrified as I have nowhere to go. The house belongs to him. I have no savings. I know this is a stupid position to be in.

I don't know what to do. I love him. But I can't make him love me - I don't know if he does anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 11:29

He's crap at talking to be fair. He never tells me how he feels about anything - I think he is just bad at talking. He's not having an affair.

You're all right about me making the decision and the moves to leave if that's what I need to do. We aren't married so no messy divorce just DD to think of. We will talk tonight - but I'm not going to be a pushover it's really not me.

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Inasimilarboat · 17/02/2015 12:01

You need to have a plan in your mind of how you will live alone- it's a sensible thing for anyone to have whether they are married or not.

I am married but have my own bank account. I can be financially self sufficient if needed, have family and friends as a support network and somewhere to go tomorrow if I needed to go.

You need to build a future for yourself that is sustainable either in or out of a relationship.

Don't be a pushover, but at the same time allow your partner the space to talk.

Original poster

ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 12:07

Thanks inasimilar. I am getting my shit together. I have my own bank account, a full time job so not completely dependent on him. I have no idea how I will manage my finances with rent etc on my own but others manage so I will have to as well. we will talk later. He's not good at expressing himself though.

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Fugghetaboutit · 17/02/2015 12:11

Has it been like this since baby was born or just recently?
Men can get pnd type depression after a baby comes too. It's a big adjustment. Maybe he could try therapy?
If he really wants to leave you can't stop him but I would tell him if I could that the first 2 years are very hard on your relationship, v testing. He needs to make an effort to fix it though, if he isn't interested let him go.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2015 12:11

well, if you keep filling in the gaps in his "ability to talk" with excuses for him, then nothing will change

I wouldn't keep "talking" in your position. Actions speak louder than words and his are quite clear. He expects you to raise your game after his not-so-subtle threat that if you don't he might consider not loving you any more

it's blackmail, lovey, and I would circumvent it completely by showing the door so he can find what it is he thinks he is missing out there

Original poster

ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 12:20

If only it was as easy as showing him the door! It's his house. I'm going to be the one that will be leaving if that is what happens.
And I have nothing! I've emailed the housing assoc as I will effectively be homeless. They've not replied will try phoning at lunch. Im at work. Trying not to cry. I have asked for the rest of the week as leave so I can sort my life out.

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Original poster

ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 12:21

Thanks fugg. I hope he isn't depressed but it did cross my mind.

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AnyFucker · 17/02/2015 12:22

where did you live before you met him ?

Original poster

ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 12:34

In a house share. But will not be an option now as have DD. I know he will have to give me money for her but no idea how much etc.

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Original poster

ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 12:35

God I am such a twat for getting myself into this situation.

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AnyFucker · 17/02/2015 12:38

it wasn't really the best idea I guess you have ever had, but no point beating yourself up about that now

is his house mortgaged or rented only in his name ?

AnyFucker · 17/02/2015 12:39

how about going back to your folks (assuming you are simply considering your options here)

Original poster

ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 12:41

Mortgaged in his name only. I moved in with him and we fell pregnant quicker than expected
They live miles away. I wouldn't be able to commute to work.

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88blueshoes · 17/02/2015 12:46

Sorry you're in this situation :-( I think it's really unfair of your partner to say this, it's putting you in a horrible position. Could it just be a phase? As others have said, having young kids can be a huge strain on a relationship. Things might get better.

You mentioned you don't know how much you'd get in child maintenance, there's a calculator here which is quite useful if you do end up needing it: www.cmoptions.org/en/calculator/

Original poster

ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 12:54

Thanks 88. I know the first few years is a strain and a test. I hope we can work through it but any fucker is right I need to make a safety net anyway. I will look at that thanks very much.

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Sickoffrozen · 17/02/2015 13:19

I would say "well I would prefer it if we tried to make it work before we make this final decision and I leave but if you are 100% sure about your feelings then I will move out now and that will be that"

He will have to pay maintainance and the starting point is 15% of his net income. This could help with your rent. Could you ask your parents for help for a few months while you get on your feet or for a loan to help you out?

Original poster

ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 13:23

Sickof that is the point where we are. Talking tonight and see where we go. I have an appointment at the council either way tomorrow at 10. Not sure I will be entitled to anything at all - have to take all my id and bank statements. I've never claimed a penny before but without some kind of help I'm screwed.
I am sure parents could help with a loan. They're on holiday at the moment and I don't want to tell them any of this, don't want to worry them. They could do transfers online if necessary though.

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RahRahRahRahRahRah · 17/02/2015 15:11

Have a look at entitled to website, it will detail all the benefits etc you can get.

You may be surprised at what you can get, especially if you are working. And you can also work out what housing benefit you are entitled to (though I don't know how you go about actually getting housed in the first place)

I'm just considering my options at the moment, but it is comforting to know that I could survive on my own if need be

Original poster

ArgentinianMalbec · 17/02/2015 15:27

RahRah sorry to hear you're having problems too? You're right it is comforting. Just such a massive change. Things can't stay as they are though in my house.

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