I've come to the end of my road .. I hope...

[Cheeseandpickles]

As a recent MN lurker, I've been inspired by the support & advice offered so wanted to ask 'what would you do'? (I'm in no doubt) In a nutshell, married almost 20yrs with 2DD (early teens). I've put up with so much crap over the years, he had a (supposedly) short lived affair with a work colleague 5 years ago which I regret not booting him out for, he drinks too much, is financially irresponsible (although he does work hard & is trying to be more 'responsible' in that department) and lives for football. To the outside world we are a normal family - I put on my 'cheery' face to work but feel worn down & wonder 'is this it?'. I feel ashamed that I've allowed this to happen as the mother of two girls - I've always tried to shield them but they are old enough to see for themselves the dick that he is e.g. tonight coming in pissed and being verbally abusive to me .. I know what I need to do but cannot afford the house on my own .. sorry this is a bit garbled but needed to vent ...

I hope so too

This is no way to live

Ah thanks for replying! I think I've 'normalised' his shitty behaviour & sense of entitlement. The verbal abuse & foul temper I was on the receiving end of tonight was partly due to drink; staggered he was going on about something that happened 10 years ago. When I do try to have a proper conversation about 'us' he simply says 'well boot me out then, it's not what I want!" Of course it's not, he gets his washing done, meals cooked and all the home comforts!!

Well don't do his washing for a start!

Are you sure you can't afford the house on your own? Have you factored in child maintenance, tax credits etc? You'll get the single adult discount on Council Tax, and you may be eligible for all sorts of benefits - housing benefit etc. check it out, CAB if you can get to one. There used to be an online site, I think it was called entitledto.com or something.

Sorry it's come to this for you, but you will have a much happier life if you can get him gone.

Your poor dds are learning from this :(

Yes Rebecca which is why I'm going to do something finally - I've misguidedly thought I was better off with 'stability' or 'the devil you know'. All my life I struggled with low self-worth as my parents dragged us round the globe to yet another school

Whoops posted too quick .. Thanks for advice Jux - will look into that this week, He woke up really apologetic 'for being drunk and being an arsehole' - sadly I've heard those words so many times it's worthless :(

Good for you cheese. Start making your exit plan. Google is your friend for this.
Do you have any real life people you can talk to for support and advice?
Don't give yourself a hard time for staying so long - it's what we believe we should do, its drummed into us. Just think, you're about to embark on a new adventure, and you're in control. Wishing you well and rooting for you

After 20 years of putting up with this behaviour, was there one particular 'moment' that made your mind up for you? A trigger that made you decide you needed to act?

Phone Women's Aid - they are so experienced at helping women in ea relationships make exit plans and get out. They can give you so much advice and support.

Copy all important documentation - P45, salary slips, bank statements etc. can you pack an emergency bag and keep it somewhere where he won't see it but you can get it if you have to go quickly? Leave it with a friend, or if you can get out of hours access, work. Include passports and that sort of thing, as well as a change of clothes etc.

You don't mention any physical violence, but a drunken emotional abuser can get violent quite easily. Tread softly until you're ready for the off. Keep your cards close to your chest.

Ask WAto recommend a good family lawyer too. Pref one who'll give you a free initial consultation and does legal aid work (no idea whether you would be entitled to legal aid, but you need to find out. Emotional abuse is abuse, after all.)

Keep your pecker up. You're strong and can do this. You deserve to have a happy life.

Naturally from his perspective H would refuse to acknowledge that there are problems.

When was the last time he did anything nice for you, let alone the girls?

When the DDs were little could you rely on him? What is there for you in this relationship now, you might as well be a single parent. Don't wait for your youngest to move out. In fact starting afresh you will have one less child to look after.

You have the rest of your life ahead of you.

Any practical problems you can't see a way around, there will be someone on MN who has been there and come through.

So sorry if I haven't posted but had a mega day at work yesterday and literally sat on sofa and crashed out! Another busy ahead today and I need to head out but will come back on tonight to read & acknowledge your very appreciated posts. I guess my 'epiphany' has been gradual, when I no longer worry when he staggers in pissed at 4.30am ... I'm starting to realise the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference :/ I've also realised that there doesn't need to be a huge drama, no big incident to make things happen; trouble is he won't engage in that sort of conversation citing he's tired or 'if that's what you want to do, I don't...'. Anyway ladies, thanks again & speak later xx

No, he won't want to engage because he doesn't want to and doesn't need to. Don't bother, he's not going to make any worthwile conversation easy and you can use your energy better in a different direction.

See you later

I need to get back on here as didn't want to disappear into the sunset with no updates after you lovely people gave up time to give advice. My absence has been due to a recent bereavement so everything else has taken a backseat :(

So quite a few things have manifested with the H - he continues to be a short tempered arsehole, drinking and having fun with his mates at football, while also continuing to siphon money out of the joint account (overdraft) I've asked him to explain where the money has gone but still waiting for him to justify ...

On the upside I have found an amazing counsellor today who made the scales fall from my eyes... I'm apparently living with a narcissist .. I'm also waiting to see a solicitor to get a picture of where I stand. No question .. I'm at the end of that road finally

Well done for seeing a counsellor it sounds like you're making the right steps to a better future

well done

do you think you need to speak to the bank and get that joint account frozen before he racks up any more debt ?

Thanks Now - I wish I'd had the strength of character years ago :( She's made me see that my history has impacted how I've dealt with him up until now; never really thought of myself as co-dependent, now I totally understand the dynamic ... I actually feel naive

Hello AF - I really love your posts btw x I'm having a word with bank as I thought we'd signed some kind of mandate which prevented him (& me) using the account for anything other than deposits/salary/direct debits. I checked and over last 90 days he's taken out around £2K (in small amounts 20, 30 and then random 120's etc) which supposedly he 'can account for'. Some are work expenses (which he rarely claims for unless I badger the arse off him). Staggering ... no wonder we are so overdrawn ... I sound quite blasé now but was in tears yesterday - he is an absolute dick.

Bloody hell, that's a lot of money. Speak to a solicitor and your bank ASAP about this.

He allocated himself £200 to go to football on Sunday, because, you know it's a cup final ... I can imagine what would be said if I casually allocated myself a couple of hundred quid to blow on a day out! He will go mad if I tell the bank to freeze the account - also will affect all the direct debits .. will call them anyway.

The sickening thing is this has gone on for years and I've argued and pleaded - only now I see it as emotional abuse ..

There will be a way to sort this, or these fuckwits would be draining bank accounts up and down the land every day

Will keep you posted on developments as and when - need to get ready for busy day at work tomorrow!

Just for the record I don't really think he has any idea that I am planning to get out ... just playing along until I get to solicitor which won't happen unfortunately for another 10 days or so due to some commitments I have for work & personal reasons. Ladies, that is when I will need your support xx

and we will be here

Thanks AF - night x

Night night Cheese.

2k in 90 days. He's wining and dining someone or the whole footy team

Jux might explain his ever expanding waistline ... Sex and drugs and bacon rolls ...! :)