I have a date! Met online - advice

[DatingYETagain]

So I divorced 7 years ago, had a 2 year relationship in that time but other than that nothing! I gave online dating ago and I'm going on a date on wends!

We started messaging on thurs, spoke on phone Saturday, arranged a date for wends and have just exchanged the odd message since then!

I'm pretty out of touch with the whole dating thing, especially online dating! Can anyone offer advice or red flags I should look out for!

So far so good, no smutty messages, seems like a genuine nice guy, arranged a meet quickly in a mutual place rather than messaging for weeks.

Guess I really just don't know how to date sort of just feel into previous relationships never really done the whole dating thing!

@self

"I do it with the bill on a first date (I mean actual first "real life" dates not online dating date zeros - ie. where the man has invited you out). I offer to split the bill. If the man accepts the offer and does not insist on paying, I wouldn't date him again. Which ever way you cut it ("afraid of offending a feminist"/"cheap"), it's not a personality trait that interests me.

Manipulative maybe. But I see it as a weeding tool. It's no different from the guy's sex on a first date test. I'm sure lots of people have their own little versions."

Interestingly I see it as weeding tool as well, when I went on dates and the women concerned made zero effort to open her purse all evening, or scurried off to the bathroom come bill time (or could be seen teeing you up with a 'shall we split the bill' question rather then just lobbing her card on the plate) I would not see her again.

I find women who freeload in such a fashion, and that's what it is. freeloading, while at the same time trying to dress up such behaviour as a measure of a potential suitors gentlemanly or chivalrous potential spectacularly unattractive. I find it ironic that such people as yourself are happy to label a man 'tight' for not forking out for a date yet you are guilty of exactly the same behavior.

I am staggered that in this day and age there still seems to be a sizable minority of women who believe that any evening out, be it on a date or with a mixed group of friends still expect the guy/s to pick up the tab because they are a self appointed 'lady'.

So you have your own weeding tool then sleepless, if she doesn't lib the card in, Yeh?
What's the difference!

lob

I agree with self, if a guy asks YOU out for a first date then I think he should pay and I'd be disappointed if he asked for half.

Further down the line I'd always offer to go halves or pay for dates myself but I think the first date he should pay for

Guess I'm just old fashioned.

The difference is fairly obvious, I don't expect a free lunch/dinner/evening out when I go on a date. I can afford to pay half the bill or buy my round of drinks, so why should I expect the other person to pick up the tab?

The point is the poster concerned offers to pay half, then doesn't date the man again if he accepts!
Very different to actually being asked out "Can I take you out?", then surprised by an unexpected request to pay half.
If you're the type of person that expects the man to pick up the bill just for the pleasure of your company, you're a free-loader, arrogant, and sexist.

Agree once

Men do it too!

I had a date where I was treated like a drinks vending machine. He actually refused to pay for anything and at the time, I was a little innocent on the dating front. I would absolutely refuse to see a man who expected women to pay.

OP - I'm sorry it didn't work out in one way but I also think it's a good thing that you didn't invest any of your actual time in this waster. There really are good men out there who actually want to date. Look at this as a lesson and learn from it - there are some jokers out there who just want an ego boost but there are some lovely people who turn out to be friends if nothing else.

I'm sorry your thread got derailed it's an emotive subject.

You don't want a freeloader as you have a fabulous high salary, but you're happy to freeload yourself.Then you say generosity is attractive, but you expect never to pay even your own share let anyone elses. After all, why would you want to waste all your wonderful money paying for someone else or even, shock, yourself!

This is hilarious and you sound so chippy!

I have no idea where you got the idea I was "happy to freeload" myself.

What I said was entirely related to a FIRST date where the man had asked ME out. first.

It's not freeloading to expect the person who invites you to pay. They asked you out.

I also did not say I would "NEVER EXPECT TO PAY". Where you got that from also no idea.

The short point is that I earn a lot of money, I'm well aware I'm vulnerable to men wanting to take advantage and a weeding tool I use is a first date: "you asked me out" if I say "shall we split it" and you say "Ok" then I'm done. It's not what I want in a partner.

I accept not everyone would agree with it. But it is very important to me that a man is not cheap. Or wimpy so thinks he needs to split the bill to cow-tow to a feminist notion that it is important to pay our way.

Once I'm in a relationship or a friendship, I'm super generous and I know that is actually a weakness. So it's important for me in a dating situation to guard against it.

It's all a bit difficult because my preference would be to date a man more successful than me and more high earning. But that category is SO limited anyway that when you chuck in also want chemistry and intelligence and a guy that is happy to have an equally successful partner, it's like looking for a needle in haystack.

And to put it all this into context, I work in a macho culture - where if I want to (or need to!) pay the bill in work context, I am very used to saying "no, I'll get this" and putting my card down.

Or in a face off saying dogmatically "we'll split" and laying down my card for a 50/50 split.

A date situation, especially a first date situation, is all about sounding someone out. We all have our own little foibles, tests, preferences like it or not. And to be snooty or arrogant or dismissive of the tests etc of others is a bit blinkered - because you are doing it yourself!

I'm nothing of the sort, onceIloved, I just don't want to date the kind of guy who asks me to dinner, for a first date, and then expects me to pay half. It really demonstrates tightness, which is a total no no for me. I will pick up the tab on the next date, but I'm old fashioned and traditional and make no apology for that and just would not want to date a tight man. Nothing to do with being money grabbing, it's having a desire for chivalry and romance, but you are clearly the kind of woman who gets offended if a man opens a door for her so we will never agree on such matters!

Lesson 1 in OLD - make a date for a Saturday evening.
If they can't make a Saturday night they are probably married or in a relationship!

So Spartacus, do you never ask for a man on a date when online dating? Does it always have to come from him?

When I did online dating, we would come to a mutual agreement for a meet up. As we were both on an online dating site, I don't think it would have made sense to say one person was asking the other one out. Surely you both want to go on that date and that is the whole point.

So why the other person should pay the whole bill is beyond me, male or female.

I suspect there is a tiny bit of sexism going on there.

I actually kind of agree that if a person asks another person out then there is an onus on the person doing the propositioning to pay for said date. The obvious elephant in the room with this school of thought though is that most women have been conditioned to never ask a man out, it has to be the man making the first move which kind of keeps the cost of dating the mans burden which is a tad unfair.

I agree with internet dating you are both meeting through mutual agreement, I would consider it very entitled and very 'princessy' if a women expected the guy to still pick up the tab (a phenomenon I sadly witnessed with alarming frequency) in those circumstances