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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have a date! Met online - advice

65 replies

DatingYETagain · 16/02/2015 23:07

So I divorced 7 years ago, had a 2 year relationship in that time but other than that nothing! I gave online dating ago and I'm going on a date on wends!

We started messaging on thurs, spoke on phone Saturday, arranged a date for wends and have just exchanged the odd message since then!

I'm pretty out of touch with the whole dating thing, especially online dating! Can anyone offer advice or red flags I should look out for!

So far so good, no smutty messages, seems like a genuine nice guy, arranged a meet quickly in a mutual place rather than messaging for weeks.

Guess I really just don't know how to date sort of just feel into previous relationships never really done the whole dating thing!

OP posts:

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 18/02/2015 10:54

"...he said he always suggests sleeping together on the first date as he would never have a relationship with a lady who would"

What a prince.

zippey · 18/02/2015 11:06

"...he said he always suggests sleeping together on the first date as he would never have a relationship with a lady who would"

He sounds like a twat

My advice would be to keep this date short - eg lunch - you then dont have to suffer a long date with someone who turns out not to be good company.

Have you spoken on the phone etc?

SelfLoathing · 18/02/2015 13:07

If the woman says no she's passed some kind of test that she didn't even know she was taking

Lots of people do this kind of thing.

I do it with the bill on a first date (I mean actual first "real life" dates not online dating date zeros - ie. where the man has invited you out). I offer to split the bill. If the man accepts the offer and does not insist on paying, I wouldn't date him again. Which ever way you cut it ("afraid of offending a feminist"/"cheap"), it's not a personality trait that interests me.

Manipulative maybe. But I see it as a weeding tool. It's no different from the guy's sex on a first date test. I'm sure lots of people have their own little versions.

NoImSpartacus · 18/02/2015 13:33

You're right, Self, I do the same. Everyone has their own standards, me personally, I couldn't date a tight man.

Jan45 · 18/02/2015 13:39

The guy who suggests sex on a first date to check out if the lady is up for it right away and therefore not a nice lady is one sad bastard and probably giving his mind a treat!

zippey · 18/02/2015 15:04

So when you say to a person "I'll pay for this" you actually mean "I want you to pay for it".

Lifes too short for all these games and tests. Just be honest with other people and start as you mean to go on.

As for the guy who suggests sex on a first date and wont have a relationship with anyone who takes it up, what kind of partner does it make him if he has sex with them on the first date? It smacks of double standards too.

handfulofcottonbuds · 18/02/2015 15:07

Oh I totally agree! Of course, he never divulged this on our first date but he did suggest it in a subtle way and I declined.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 18/02/2015 15:32

And did he then tell you you'd won the prize of him, handfulofcottonbuds?! I bet you were dead grateful, weren't you!

handfulofcottonbuds · 18/02/2015 15:38

We'd stopped seeing each other by the time he told me. He's in a relationship with a lovely lady now, they look so happy. he's still messaging other women

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 18/02/2015 19:18

Sounds like you dodged a bullet there!

onceIloved · 18/02/2015 23:20

Selfloathing you sound like a conceited nightmare. Good luck finding mr right with your weird mixed messages.

handfulofcottonbuds · 18/02/2015 23:24

How did the date go OP??

SelfLoathing · 18/02/2015 23:45

So when you say to a person "I'll pay for this" you actually mean "I want you to pay for it".

No zippey what I say is "shall we split it?". It's question. And I see what answer I get.

jackydanny · 18/02/2015 23:49

How can you think holding back on the bill is anything near as weird as sex as an icebreaker?

Flippin Ada

VanitasVanitatum · 18/02/2015 23:52

Jesus this thread is a horror show!! I hope the date went well OP and that you ignored 90% of the advice on this thread!

jackydanny · 18/02/2015 23:53

I had a date a while back, I paid for travel card, childminder, coffee and split the bill at the restaurant. That night cost me £100.

He earns more than me & knew about my extra expenditure, I thought he was a tight git and declined the second date.

Generosity is an extremely attractive quality in a person.

SelfLoathing · 19/02/2015 00:23

Generosity is an extremely attractive quality in a person

I agree 100%

I am also a high earner and I don't want a free loader or any man who has "issues" about paying a restaurant bill. Not my cup of tea.

onceIloved · 19/02/2015 06:58

So...
You don't want a freeloader as you have a fabulous high salary, but you're happy to freeload yourself.
Then you say generosity is attractive, but you expect never to pay even your own share let anyone elses. After all, why would you want to waste all your wonderful money paying for someone else or even, shock, yourself!
You sound delightful, I suspect many of your dates would consider the bill a write off by that point in the evening, so going halves is quite a sensible option.

Brandnewattitude · 19/02/2015 07:31

So when you offer to pay the bill you don't actually mean it? What's the point in that? And how confusing for the person on the other end of that stupid little test.

jackydanny · 19/02/2015 07:45

Different strokes for different folks I guess.
Self loathing doesn't say she would never pay. Just doesn't want to set herself up as the bill payer at the first date. I think it's quite a good idea.

What is confusing about paying a bill Brandnew?

Brandnewattitude · 19/02/2015 08:26

Because the message the guy gets is that she is happy to pay half because she offers!

If you don't want to pay, don't offer.

Original poster

DatingYETagain · 19/02/2015 09:01

Checking in to tell you how the date went...... Well it didn't, ended up not hearing anything from in yesterday, no big deal we both have life's and we had arranged a place/time etc though thought little strange as have had daily contact all week with a morning how's things type of message etc!

I then noticed that he appeared to of blocked me on whatsapp so I just sent a text asking "hi still ok for tonight?" (iMessage that he read) and I got no reply

So as I had sitter booked I just went to friends for evening, we chatted about it and both agreed it was very strange then after talking noticed all my contact with him has been weekdays through working hours never evenings/weekends etc so I'm fussing that he prob has a wife somewhere

So I did in fact dodge a bullet there I think

OP posts:

notsogoldenoldie · 19/02/2015 09:09

Dating that's really crap. Made arrangements then BLOCKED you? Sounds like you've had a lucky escape, but you got a sitter and cared enough to come on here for advice.

I think you may be bang on, sadly- probably a wife/ partner somewhere in the mix, he fancied a bit on the side and got cold feet last minute.

Original poster

DatingYETagain · 19/02/2015 09:17

Yes it is crap he really did seem like a good thing, we chatted about our life's, had a couple of telephone calls, no smut at all and he seemed nice and genuine! Annoying because I had arranged sitter and don't want to let down last minute so I still had few hours out with friend which was nice

Little disappointing but better to find out now then few months down the line

OP posts:

notsogoldenoldie · 19/02/2015 11:12

Well, I admire your attitude, but I think to be let down like that stinks. I would be giving him a piece of my mind. I'd like to see you doing the same. Perhaps he'll think twice about it then??

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