can somene explain to me what has just happened?

[onecattwocatredcatbluecat]

DH and i in the kitchen. Lots of kids within earshot but not close. cooking dinner

Im wearing flipflops and dh is wearing huge heavy trainers.

He somehow manages to simultaneously kick my toes and stamp on them at the same time...total accident

he shouts 'im sorry im sorry'
i shout ...'oooophh '

he shouts 'i said im sorry'
i sob
he shouts again' i said im sorry'

i said 'just cos you have said sorry it doesnt take the pain away.''

honestly it was so painful i thought i would pass out.
He's gone upstairs in a huff and im sitting on the sofa with a bag of peas on my foot.

so how did i get to be the bad guy? I know he hates swearing, but i didnt!

Im really confused.

Also how would asking for a bag of peas and him to look after the children be ing managing his inadequacies? I fail to see how asking for help is in any way the wrong thing to do. Is sulking like a child, and moaning on the internet the right thing to do? Does this stop the situation? Does it stop the kids living in an atmosphere?

People need to take responsibility for their own actions too - why did the OP not say something to her OH after they had both calmed down? Why reply to the text with abuse? Why are his feelings any less than her own?

He handled it wrongly granted, but by giving him no option to resolve this in an adult manner is just going make for a miserable life. OP says that he was sulking - sounds to me like she was too...

No one should have to think of a way to manage their sulky husband (which is exactly what 'giving him a job' is) while dealing with a great deal of pain, just because he's likely to be upset that he hurt her. It's the epitome of having to make sure you put his needs before your own, no matter how immediate your own needs are.

And the OP was on the couch with a bag of frozen peas recovering. Her husband could have tried to 'resolve it in an adult manner' but he did not.

Presumably he can't be expected to because that's all too hard for a poor man.

'No one should have to think of a way to manage their sulky husband (which is exactly what 'giving him a job' is) while dealing with a great deal of pain, just because he's likely to be upset that he hurt her. It's the epitome of having to make sure you put his needs before your own, no matter how immediate your own needs are.'

The other option is to get rid? Would that option please you more?

I wouldn't (and haven't) put up with this sort of behaviour, but for someone living in that environment they either have to become manipulative to stop the behaviour, or get out. The third option is to live how the OP is living in some sort of childish standoff - how is that good for anyone?

CalamitouslyWrong - what is you suggestion for how to deal with the issue? Do you have one or do you just want to argue that everyone else is wrong?

My suggestion would be to make it very clear to him that I wasn't putting up with such behaviour. If he decides that he can't behave like a decent human being (for example by showing some care towards the wife he just injured), then he can leave.

What I certainly wouldn't do was put up, shut up and take all the responsibility for making sure he doesn't get upset upon myself. People are responsible for their own emotions and behaviour. It's not being clever and manipulative to keep the peace; its a living nightmare.

And I certainly wouldn't want my children growing up to think it was a woman's job to placate the men around her at whatever cost.

That text is to get you to feel sorry for the poor little poppet who feels unwanted.

If you feel sorry for him you will forget your annoyance at what he has done and he is off the hook.

Pure manipulation.

AuntieDee as a male and one of those "professional types*, I find your post hugely condescending.

OP, yes it is hard for either party to apologise when they balls something up, but your OH hurt you, not on purpose, but he did nonetheless.

However ashamed or foolish he may feel I think there is a risk of overthinking things and losing focus of the issue.

In your shoes I'd be saying, "OH you physically hurt me, by accident I realise, your response was to absolve yourself of any responsibility whilst still leaving me in pain. That hurt me emotionally. I'm no longer interested in your tantrum, both these things need to be put right"

Silence.

i agree with AuntieDee.

this kind of mexican standoff is only ever going to end with both parties feeling aggrieved.

i appreciate that there are bigger issues in play here, but honestly, some of the posters here are reacting as if an accidental injury is tantamount to murder.

OP. what were you hoping to achieve by posting about this on the internet?

these situations always remind me of the 'massive misunderstanding' story arcs in soaps or sitcoms where simply talking to the other person could go some way towards resolution. not meaning to sound glib but, why not call him instead of texting?

thanks for all the replies. I couldn't SPEAK to him because he was working, he does have sporadic access to his phone though so text messages are the way.

we have been together since before text was even invented! so i do know exactly how to speak with him. However he has to be physically present for me to do that.

from the texts he has had he is in no doubt what i feel he has done wrong. Incidentally i don't blame him for hurting me, it was an accident, but his actions since that happened. through the texts he has threatened to leave amd end our marriage. its been left with him asking ... what happens now? and the truth is ... I dont know!

I will speak to him after work... when we both have the time to listen to each other.

I posted because I wondered if i had done something wrong, but by the majority of posts he is being an arse.

I'd have left it until I could speak to him - 90% of communication is non-verbal, texts can be hugely misinterpreted and escalate quickly into an unresolvable mess :(

Any news on what happened after he got home? I hope you have both resolved things and he is suitably sheepish