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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

can somene explain to me what has just happened?

61 replies

onecattwocatredcatbluecat · 16/02/2015 21:35

DH and i in the kitchen. Lots of kids within earshot but not close. cooking dinner

Im wearing flipflops and dh is wearing huge heavy trainers.

He somehow manages to simultaneously kick my toes and stamp on them at the same time...total accident

he shouts 'im sorry im sorry'
i shout ...'oooophh '

he shouts 'i said im sorry'
i sob
he shouts again' i said im sorry'

i said 'just cos you have said sorry it doesnt take the pain away.''

honestly it was so painful i thought i would pass out.
He's gone upstairs in a huff and im sitting on the sofa with a bag of peas on my foot.

so how did i get to be the bad guy? I know he hates swearing, but i didnt!

Im really confused.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 16/02/2015 23:50

I think that in this case the OP needs to be very careful. This man is abusive and his behaviour is escalating. It's very, very common for abusers to do things like this: 'accidently' hurt by bumping into you, treading on your foot, shutting a door on your fingers, etc. It's often some sort of punishment - had you disagreed with him shortly before it happened, or not obeyed him quickly enough? This relationship is obviously toxic: he's sulking and punishing you further for daring to object to being hurt. And that stuff about ending the relationship if you sleep in another room - does he have sex on you whether you like it or not, or when you are asleep, by any chance?

SelfLoathing · 16/02/2015 23:52

if you think it does then you've not got what sorry even means

I agree and expect that this fully came across -hence the looking of daggers and the "nasty" response.

Handywoman · 16/02/2015 23:57

Selfloathing you are being harsh, and taking the thread off topic

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 16/02/2015 23:59

'He always said it would be over if we had separate beds'

Wow, you really are not permitted to express any feelings that don't excuse, exonerate or support any behaviour of his, are you?

Hurt? Disappointed? Angry? Don't you dare make him feel bad by showing it. You're there to be a subordinate and an accessory, not an equal.

BeCool · 17/02/2015 00:15

Your response to the pain you are in takes overwhelming priority over accepting an apology.

You were still in agony and dealing with that when he stormed off and left you in a huff. As if you should ignore the pain you are in so you can focus on him and his apology. It's not all about HIM.

He should have helped you, say you down, got ice etc vthen there is time and space for you to say yes it was an accident etc. He didn't give you any of that.

What's he like if you are unwell?

SelfLoathing · 17/02/2015 00:29

Selfloathing you are being harsh, and taking the thread off topic

So how is your very helpful post contributing exactly?!? LOL.

I obviously won't agree with you that I'm being harsh because that's my opinion, I don't care what someone I don't know thinks of my opinion and you accusing me of "harshness" suggests your post was provoking intending to get a response from me (ie. deliberately intending to further take the thread off topic). Besides another poster said something similar on the same subject line.

Anyway, it is relevant to the main thread which is that some people (OPs partner possibly included) when they have done something wrong and "apologise" become full of attitude and self entitlement. In fact it is the absolute answer to her question "how did i get to be the bad guy?"

Original poster

onecattwocatredcatbluecat · 17/02/2015 07:29

we haven't spoken and yes i did sleep in the same bed.

he had left for work before i was awake

I couldnt get into the spare bedroom for junk last night.

he is awful when i am sick. mostly ignoring it and not acknowledges it at all.

sex is rare, because of my medical issues (i could quite happily never have sex again)

One thing that really annoys me is that he wont show affection if there is anyone else around. for example a couple of weeks ago i was in the kitchen and went to hug him. He hugged me but then took a step forwards like we were dancing. I asked him what that was all about. He said that ....a neighbour could see in.

I went bananas and said that I am allowed to hug my own husband in my own kitchen and if the neighbour was offended then he can fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more. (there were no kids around that day so i could swear as much as i liked)

I feel that Im good enough for a shag in private, but not good enough to hold hand in public!

poppy what did you do next?

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 17/02/2015 08:30

Self-loathing I DID take responsibility for hurting supermarket trolley guy. I apologised TWICE in a really genuine way. I accidentally bumped him up the back of the foot, as I pointed out, the same way as has been done to me several times, and I have always accepted people's apologies. Had I rendered him paraplegic I would never have forgiven myself for the rest of my life! You can't compare the two. A supermarket trolley is not a car.

I posted to offer a perspective from the other side, just in case the OP's partner did not realise he had hurt her so much, with the caveat to ignore my post if he had form for this. Which it turns out from later posts he has, so, please ignore me.

Handywoman · 17/02/2015 08:43

I think SelfLoathing is one of those people who cannot accept an apology.

Folk like that must go around permanently annoyed. Perhaps a bit like the OP's dh?

BertieBotts · 17/02/2015 08:46

He sounds like a total arse. Are you happy in the relationship? Does he add anything positive to your life?

Original poster

onecattwocatredcatbluecat · 17/02/2015 09:47

had two messages from him this morning... we need to buy a dishwasher

then he sent.... i feel these days you dont even want me around. very sad i dont want to take anything out on dd which she didnt think i was. No respect anymore sad

i dont know how to respond to that! once again he is turning it all on me making me the bad guy!

OP posts:

Original poster

onecattwocatredcatbluecat · 17/02/2015 09:57

oh fuck! Ive just told him... waiting for the nuclear fall out!

OP posts:

EleanorRigby89 · 17/02/2015 10:06

He sounds awful. Please don't let him draw you in to this guilt tripping business. It's not your fault. It sounds like his behaviour is out of order and this is just one incident.

Handywoman · 17/02/2015 10:16

stand your ground, onecat

Patilla · 17/02/2015 10:18

What did you say OP?

We have a rule in our house that you going bug the person who stubs toes/gets hurt, because they need that moment to curl up and get through the pain. You stand by and ask are you ok in case they need to say no and have help but otherwise not bug them.

Though this highlights how accident prone our household is to need this rule!

Patilla · 17/02/2015 10:18

dont not going sorry

BertieBotts · 17/02/2015 10:46

Told him what? That he was right? And yes he is turning it all on you... not taking any responsibility for how he might have caused you to feel that way.

LuluJakey1 · 17/02/2015 10:47

What have you just told him?

AuntieDee · 17/02/2015 10:59

Could that have been his warped way of offering an apology - saying he doesn't feel wanted? Maybe he wanted to help you but you were so cross that he felt his only option was to retreat?

I see this frequently with my parents - I used to think badly of my dad for it but someone who just fumes in their head and doesn't communicate how they are feeling is VERY difficult to live with. He's not a mind reader, some men are quite useless when it comes to 'helping' especially professional types - they are used to being told what to do at work and at home when they are expected to just get on with it, they don't seem to know where to start :(

Perhaps a way to have stopped the escalation would have been to ask him if he minded getting you a bag of peas and minding the children for a short while. The way it was handled didn't achieve anything other than making him look mean, and you like a martyr - all for the sake of you asking for help...

Men like you asking them for help, it makes them feel wanted, it makes them feel valued. How it was dealt with perhaps did make him feel that you could cope without him regardless. Why would you want to though?

Chin up and talk to him - let him know you just felt a bit cross and helpless and needed him right then x

AuntieDee · 17/02/2015 11:00

You never know, you may get a genuine apology back?

CalamitouslyWrong · 17/02/2015 11:02

It always saddens me when someone comes along willing to absolve men of responsibility for anything just because they're men and just can't manage stuff.

The OP was in pain. Quite a lot of pain. Why should it be her responsibility to manage her husband's inadequacies and make sure he isn't upset/doesn't sulk off and have a tantrum?

mix56 · 17/02/2015 11:50

I know someone like this yes my H
he never ever says sorry, recently he did something similar, (unintentionally although stupid all the same) he knew I was in pain, I fell to the floor, & was holding my toes, just trying to breath, & then crying......
He ignored it.......then asked vaguely if I was OK, then kind of carried on with the job at hand.
I have always pulled him up on not saying sorry, I suppose its like being a naughty boy, & running away hiding.
insensitive. vile, unloving behaviour

Vivacia · 17/02/2015 12:03

he always said it would be over if we had separate beds

Did he? He sounds very dismissive of your feelings, ill health and needs. It sounds as though he requires a very compliant wife.

(I hope you tell us what you text him).

AuntieDee · 17/02/2015 13:08

But if you have chosen to live with someone like this then you just have to make the best of a bad situation right? It might be pandering to him, but what is the other option? Sitting in silence? Not speaking? How is that a good example for the children?

You can change behaviour like he shows and it isn't about pandering to him, it is about using your brain to modify his behaviour - just like you would with a child. Sadly some parent's don't and us as women have to deal with the consequences.

Ignoring the behavious isn't going to do anything except make you both miserable.

I don't see it as being weak - I see it as manipulation the situation to your advantage, and that of the children. Set them a good example, don't show them that it is acceptable to behave like children, even as adults. You are their role models - start acting like it!

CalamitouslyWrong · 17/02/2015 13:11

You do not have to choose to spend your life walking on eggshells managing your own husband because he is liable to act like an arse.

It won't work. You'll find yourself having to modify your own behaviour ever more as he moves the goalposts the more he can get away with.

It an appalling way to model adult relationships.

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