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Original poster

Was I raped?

50 replies

DietFanta · 16/02/2015 20:56

When I was 14 I lost my virginity.

I was a bit of a tearaway and in with a bad crowd. On night a much older guy (in his mid 30's) and known drug dealer offered me a lift home. He gave me some weed in his car, then took me to his house and gave me ecstasy. I remember feeling really sick and needed to go to the bathroom. When I came out we had sex. I don't know how it happened, I was quite out of it. I don't remember saying 'no' but I didn't want to do it and would never have done it under any other circumstances.

I still feel quite confused about what happened. Was this rape?

OP posts:
sammy90 · 16/02/2015 20:58

For me in my opinion, sadly yes as he drugged you whether you wanted it or not and also u was under the age of consent.

PacificDogwood · 16/02/2015 20:59

Yes Sad

That was rape - apart from that you were underage, you were also in no way able to give or withhold consent.
It sounds like he knew exactly what he was doing Angry

Are you ok?

MrsWolowitz · 16/02/2015 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DietFanta · 16/02/2015 21:00

I don't know whether he knew how old I was, but he must have known I was pretty young. Yes I'm ok, I haven't thought about it for a long time but the recent news stories have brought it back.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 16/02/2015 21:02

Yes.
Firstly, you were insensible due to drugs so not able to make a rational decision and give informed consent.
Secondly, you were underage and he was a lot older than you, we can reasonably assume he exploited his position and age to manipulate you into the situation in order that he could rape you
Thirdly, he supplied you with the drugs so we can assume that he intended for you to be insensible and unable to object or fully remember.
I'm very sorry, he definitely did rape you.

MrsWolowitz · 16/02/2015 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sammy90 · 16/02/2015 21:04

Sorry but news brings back memories because subconsciously are mind is still in a decision about it and sometimes other parts of the brain are trying to blank it out as its a bad memory. Good to hear ur ok.

PacificDogwood · 16/02/2015 21:04

I bet it did not matter one jot to him how you were - he was going to have sex, no matter what Angry

Glad you are dealing with it ok Thanks

I suspect there is a lot of rape like yours about - not necessarily violent, assailant an acquaintance of some sort, not reported by or to anybody.
Many, many survivors like you.

PacificDogwood · 16/02/2015 21:04

how old you were

KarmaNoMore · 16/02/2015 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DietFanta · 16/02/2015 21:07

Yeah I'm ok thanks, but it is pretty horrible... I really want to talk to DP about it but I know he would be utterly shaken up by it not to mentioned furiously angry.

OP posts:
sammy90 · 16/02/2015 21:07

So true Karma.

sammy90 · 16/02/2015 21:12

Well in your mind in heart, when you feel ready to tell him, tell him. But I'm sure when u do tell him, you will get the love and support that u deserve. Thanks

PacificDogwood · 16/02/2015 21:13

Well, I am angry and I am not your partner. And I am female.

I'd hope your DP would be able to listen sympathetically and see what Karma said: you are the same person.

There are many charities that provide support and counselling for rape survivors/childhood rape if you search online. Most are v local, so where you are matters.

candyce83 · 16/02/2015 21:44

Without a shadow of a doubt you were raped. what kind of 30 year old bloke gives drugs to a 14 year old then has "sex" with her? A manipulative opportunist! So sorry this has happened to you!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 16/02/2015 22:21

Being drugged and under age certainly seems like rape to me.

Original poster
DietFanta · 17/02/2015 08:36

Please excuse typos am typing on my phone. I've told DP, he's very angry and upset (on my behalf obviously) an has said he wants me to go to the police. Bearing in mind this happened 20 years ago... Not sure what to do.

OP posts:
ScotsWhaHae · 17/02/2015 08:45

Hi diet. How do you feel about going to the police?

I've had a similar experience raise itself in my mind recently. I was 16 at a party and passed out drunk. I was drifting in and out of consciousness and 2 older (mid to late twenties) guys were all over me and rubbing themselves on me. I know who they are. I was working as a family support worker and one of them was referred and the case allocated to me at the end of last year. I had to tell my supervisor I couldn't do it.

I never went into details, dh doesn't know. I was quite a promiscuous teen and wrote it off as my own fault.

Original poster
DietFanta · 17/02/2015 09:02

Scots, I know exactly how you feel. I can't help thinking because I was beaten and forcibly raped that it doesn't really count. DP explained to me that it's someone deliberately taking advantage of someone sexually when they aren't in a position to consent, which when you look at it like that does amount to rape, or at least serious sexual assault.

OP posts:
Original poster
DietFanta · 17/02/2015 09:02

*I mean serious sexual assault in your case

OP posts:
Original poster
DietFanta · 17/02/2015 09:04

I'm terrified of going to the police. I feel it's just one of those awful things that happened and maybe it should be left in the past. Strangely I feel guilty towards his family... Hmm..

The only thing that makes me want to do it is the fact he could have done it to someone else.

OP posts:
AWholeLottaNosy · 17/02/2015 09:07

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You could go to the police but unless other victims come forward you are very unlikely to get a conviction ( or even a prosecution). I'm not saying don't do it but just he aware you will be asked intrusive questions which may being it all back and you may not get the outcome you want. Counselling may be a better option for you to talk it through.

ScotsWhaHae · 17/02/2015 09:09

Do you know where he is now?

Original poster
DietFanta · 17/02/2015 09:12

Yes more or less. I still see him sometimes which is difficult.

If I went to the police it would just be my word against his. He could say he had no idea how old I was.

OP posts:
Original poster
DietFanta · 17/02/2015 09:12

He could say it never happened!

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