My best friend is terminally ill

[quackquackoops]

I’m wondering if someone can give me some advice please. I don’t really know where to start so apologies if my post is somewhat rambling.

My best friend has after a long struggle with cancer over many years been told by the doctors that they are withdrawing her treatment. No more chemo, no more radiotherapy. She is only in her early thirties. I am shell-shocked and devastated.

Every time we got another piece of bad news, there was always something in my head telling me that they would cure it and it would be ok – and now it’s not going to be and I can’t get my head around it. She is the nicest most wonderful human being and I’m so angry that this is happening to her and so heartsick.

Throughout all this (over the years), I have been very aware that I don’t want to add to any pressure she has or make her feel that she needs to be anything other than she needs to be, so I have been very much trying to make her feel that I’m there for her without bombarding her and making it about my needs.

The problem now is, I feel like I might have actually withdrawn from her and that I am not being what she needs me to be. I have been so frightened to make her feel that she needs to do anything other than what she needs to do I am frightened that I haven’t done enough.

She has moved away from where I live so that she can be closer to her family (understandably) so I can’t just pop over and see her. When it comes to making contact with her, I have emailed / texted often to let her know that I am thinking of her and if she wants to talk to let me know and that I am there for her – but I haven’t actually picked up the phone.

I guess I am scared that I will call her at the wrong moment – that she will feel guilty if I ring and she doesn’t want to speak to me – that I don’t know what to say.

If anyone who has been through this could offer any advice, I would really appreciate it. I love her so much and I am so scared of what she has to face and I want to make sure that I do everything I can to make her feel I am there for her.

My cousins husband died in September after only having been diagnosed in July I know it's not exactly the same but I have always texted her and I have called her now and again but she doesn't answer though she does text back. My uncle said invite her places don't exclude her or decide for her but let her know your thinking of her and let her decide what's right.
Maybe you should do that. Call her and if she doesn't answer it's ok I'm sure shell be happy to see your name ringing on the phone. It's a awful thing to happen I think of my cousin in law daily and I developed a rash all over my body the week he was diagnosed.
Hope this helps xx

I really think you should just call. There probably won't be a "right" moment and it sounds like she probably doesn't have much time left.

I agree with the PP. The fears, doubts, guilt etc are your own. Whether you've handled things badly so far or not, none of it matters really. Pick up the phone and talk

Why haven't you been ringing her, OP? I think you should call her at the very least, or go and visit. There is an element of taboo regarding this sort of thing and people not knowing what to say, or wanting to be a burden etc but in my experience it is best for both if you are not protecting anyone from anything, just 'be' who and what you are right now. And maybe say what you've said here about texting her only, and why. And that you wonder if that was right. It will be messy, and imperfect, for both of you.

It's understandable that you are devastated. You need support from other friends and family but you also need to 'be' around for your dear friend and continue your friendship. Obviously you'll be led by what she needs, but you are allowed to be your own authentic self even if you ring at the 'wrong' time etc. I'm sure she will want to hear your voice, even in a voicemail.

I am so sorry you've had this awful news

Hello, not sure if I have any useful advice, but I am in a similar position. My close, close friend has stage 4 cancer that she has been battling for a year now and is very ill. I haven't seen her since June because she doesn't want to see anyone, but I too feel that I have let her down by not being more support. I can't text or email as she can't read at the moment, but I do call every week and sometimes she answers, but at least she knows I called.

I appreciate how hard it is OP, I always thought she would lean on me in a crisis and instead has distanced herself and I am sad about that, I miss her, but then that feels so awfully self indulgent and selfish as I am not the one facing cancer.

I think pick up the phone, she doesn't have to answer. It keeps the lines of communication open.

My friend actually phoned me today, for a little while before she got tired, and it was so lovely to speak to her.

I can be phone phobic and your fear is understandable, but what I would do is text that I was going to ring that evening or whatever but no problem if shewwasn't in the mood for a chat. I would also book train tickets and visit.

I lost one of my best friends (aged 34) within days of losing my FIL. She had inflammatory breast cancer.

I told her I'd be there for her and the kids. I said if she wanted to talk about it we could, if she wanted to everything else but, we could. I said I'd probably say the wrong thing at times, or not say what I should have said! I said I'd do my best though and if I could do anything, or stop doing something I was getting wrong then tell me. We had many a post midnight chat. It seemed easier to talk in the dark when sleep wouldn't come.

It was so hard. I took the kids on the morning of her funeral and dropped them home in time for them to get ready for the funeral. The day after we were back again for my FIL's. The shitest year of my life.

I miss her so much. It wasn't fair.

Thanks so much to all those who have taken time to respond to me.

Reading your responses have opened the floodgates because I know you are all right.

I have this inexplicable fear of imposing myself on her. I'm not the sort of person who has lots of friends - but when I do, I love deeply. She is the sort of person who makes friend very easily and has lots of people who care very deeply for her so I guess I feel that I don't want to make myself more important that I am.

I know that at each stage of news she has had, I have always been one of the first people she has contacted so I should feel that she would want to hear from me.

Cog - your post made me cry because it's true - but I just can't get past the fact that I feel I might be bothering her.

Handywoman - thank you and you are right. The fear of doing the wrong thing is stopping me doing anything.

Lambzig - I am so sorry, the feeling of being so helpless is overwhelming. I really feel for you xxx

Joysmum - Thank you for sharing how you dealt with things. When my friend first got diagnosed, I used to speak to her a lot late at night - I am so sorry for your loss. You are right - it's not fair at all.

I have all these feelings - I want to take time off work, book somewhere for us to go to for the weekend, just spend time with her.

It seems to me that you care very deeply and I'm certain you've actually been a brilliant friend and made a much better job of this than you think

I think all of us who've been through this worry about the right thing to do, but my own experience suggests it's worth avoiding silly cliches suggesting false hope and empty phrases just to make the speaker feel better. Once it really was too late for my friend, I used to sit with her and simply listen - I'd also give her a big hug and tell her how much I'd miss her

Maybe consider if this would be worthwhile?

I have cancer and I'm always very touched at the kind texts, calls and cards I get. Just call her, whether she's up to speaking or not doesn't matter. She'll know you care. You sound like a very lovely person. Be kind to yourself too!

I'm so sorry - I only read to the end of the second paragraph and couldn't continue. The thought alone upset me to the core. I just want to say, I am so, so sorry for what you, your friend, her family etc are facing. I hope some way, somehow, she is saved

I went through the same thing a couple of years ago - late diagnosed pancreatic cancer in her case so we knew there was zero chance of a cure, just the possibility of extending her life with chemo.

My friend often wouldn't feel like talking, but we sorted out early on that if she didn't feel like talking she just wouldn't answer the phone and I made it clear I wouldn't be offended by that.

My heart goes out to both of you, I can still remember the helplessness I felt. We'd always been there for each other & now there was nothing I could do to help her. I still miss her now

Just phone as others have said these feelings are yours.
Do it as soon as you can because sorry to be blunt but there may be no tomorrow for her or indeed any of us.

She's still your best friend no matter what is happening OP, my heart goes to you.

Just add, with my friend she appreciated the texts because she would feel unwell so much of the time and could read a text easier than listening to a message. As things progressed there was less talking, more short texts.

Hello quack

Nobody knows how long they have on this planet !

If you cannot face the phone, what about sending a letter or card telling her some of your news

Or send some flowers or chocs or something funny in the post, maybe some photos of you together ?

You dont have to write much just that you are thinking of her

Send a couple of things in post, then you have excuse to phone & say did you get my card, etc

My friends say they like to receive something from me in the post, because always better than a rotten bill ha ! ha !

Go on make someone smile x

Definitely call, you can have a word with her family too and they might give you more idea of when is a good time or what you can do.

I'd think about sending gifts whenever you see something she would like, even magazines, cupcakes, box sets, photos of you as young wild things. Small but regular things as I'm assuming she's not working and little things like that can be so lovely.

Hello

Facebook is also a great way to keep in touch with friends who live in different places

Sometimes we laugh at the weirdest things together & sometimes so unexpectedly !

Call, visit and write. However much you worry about disturbing her or saying the wrong thing, it is so much worse to feel forgotten or neglected when you are suffering. Even if she rejects your attempts, I would keep on reaching out.

I am so sorry you are going through this, and I am sure you are a wonderful friend.

My best friend died two weeks ago .

I used to have to dig very deep to call but I did. Lots didn't , it hurt her.
It scared me to the core but I had to see our friendship through to the bitter end .
She had a poor prognosis but only 3 weeks notice of the cancer being terminal.
I had her 4 kids ( 7-18)round today for pancakes , I told them she would be here if she could .
I'm going to pick days like Pancake Tuesday ect to take them & remind them how loved they are.

I have no regrets only that her time was so short.

I know you feel anxious / sad/ nervous but you really need to get over it.She is dying & you'll regret it I you don't .

Hello quack

When people are ill they all react in different ways

Some people shut the door & dont want to talk to anyone

Some people like to carry on being as normal for as long as possible

The only thing you can do is try

Maybe think if you were ill what would you like for yourself ?

Be brave, your friend has to be brave every day !

You will not regret

x

I lost my best friend 11 years ago, she was 40 and had been ill with cancer for years. She was diagnosed as terminal 2 years before she died.
We had been friends since we were 5
It was horrendous and I certainly made mistakes in leaving her to her treatment when it was bad - she did want to hide away when she felt really bad.
However, I know she wanted to hear from her friends just to know they were thinking of her, and I messed up there.
It still hurts me know to think that she may have thought I wasn't thinking about her every day.
She had her loving husband and I thought that was enough.

We were very close at the end and visited her often and holidayed together , very sad poignant 'last' holidays but with laughs along the way.
I'm crying writing this. I can't watch Beaches. I miss her so much. She was adorable.
Please just call her, leave a message if she doesn't answer.
If you can spend some time together away for a weekend, try and do it.
You will never regret doing it, but you will sure as he'll regret not doing it.

I truly feel for you. Good luck x

I lost my friend of 60 years last year very suddenly but with just enough time to say goodbye.

I wrote a letter and hand delivered it because her time was that close. I just told her how we'd always been good friends, never had a cross word . I never actually said the words goodbye but there was enough in there to know how much her friendship had meant to me.

I miss her so much . Her husband said he had to read the letter to her with tears pouring down his cheeks because she couldn't but she heard . I could cry now just thinking of her going way too soon and leaving behind her little three year old grand daughter.

Get writing those letters, sending those txts. She needs you so much right now.

I send my cousin a txt every day. He has incurable cancer. It usually just says I hope you slept better last night, or were more comfortable, or were able to eat bit better today...just something along those lines as he can't get out now . He's in too much pain. It so hard and the world of someone who is terminally Ill shrinks to four walls. I'm not so crass as to say I did so and so today, or we're going to do this next month because that relationship has changed and you need to tailor your comments to the change in their circumstances I personally believe unless they ask you for information about your life which is different of course.

As well as the pain and fear, they are probably grieving for their old life and the plans that won't be fulfilled . It's so hard. My cousins are constantly on my mind and it makes us confront our own mortality and fear too but we must be strong for them as they are strong for us. They teach us how to do it.

So conquer your fear , there are lots of ways to get in touch or keep them in your thoughts with little gifts that needn't cost a lots but mean so much more .

When it's our turn lets hope there are some brave people there for us ;-)

Hello

My friend just text'd to invite me to something in june to spend time with our wider group of friends

Bit of a long story, we have all lost family & friends over the years

Within half an hour I have booked the travel - tonight !

We all live a long way from one another

Life is far too short & good friends & family are few !

Enjoy life while you can...

xxx

Not cancer but I've been desperately ill. I cannot overstate how much it meant to have friends go through every step of the dreadful journey with me. Some turned away and it hurt. A lot.

Call her and more importantly if you can, just go and sit with her. Meet her needs where she is, not where she was ifyswim. When you're desperately ill, someone silently holding your hand, just being there, on your current 'terms' means more than you can ever comprehend when you are well and life is varied and joyful. People and love are all you have.

This is the time when actions matter completely not just words. Pick up the phone, make that call, write that letter. It's not enough to say 'I'm here for you just call' you need to be proactive.

When my Father was terminal I witnessed people reacting in all sorts of ways around him. He used to look at me smile and roll his eyes sometimes. I sat down with him and asked how he wanted us to treat the situation and he said 'completely normally' he wanted to carry on as normal, he didn't want to write rushed memoirs as one family member was pressing him to do . He didn't want to visit those places he hadn't yet visited. He wanted normality.
He was very happy that I asked him as in these situations it is very easy for it to become about everyone else.

This is the time to put your feelings about the situation aside slightly. Your friend won't want to see those around her stressed and anxious because they don't know how to handle the situation.
Ask her how she wants you to be, what she needs from you, then make sure you comply.
The grief and utter tragedy of the situation you will have to try to put aside until after she has passed on.

My mother was a Cancer care nurse for one of the well known charities looking after the terminally ill in their last few days. She always said the relatives and friends were the hardest to deal with not the patients who had mostly accepted the situation.
And do not talk to her about 'fighting this/beating this' it's the language people use to make themselves feel better and it implies if someone isn't getting better they've not 'fought' hard enough.
Best wishes
x