My best friend is terminally ill

[quackquackoops]

I’m wondering if someone can give me some advice please. I don’t really know where to start so apologies if my post is somewhat rambling.

My best friend has after a long struggle with cancer over many years been told by the doctors that they are withdrawing her treatment. No more chemo, no more radiotherapy. She is only in her early thirties. I am shell-shocked and devastated.

Every time we got another piece of bad news, there was always something in my head telling me that they would cure it and it would be ok – and now it’s not going to be and I can’t get my head around it. She is the nicest most wonderful human being and I’m so angry that this is happening to her and so heartsick.

Throughout all this (over the years), I have been very aware that I don’t want to add to any pressure she has or make her feel that she needs to be anything other than she needs to be, so I have been very much trying to make her feel that I’m there for her without bombarding her and making it about my needs.

The problem now is, I feel like I might have actually withdrawn from her and that I am not being what she needs me to be. I have been so frightened to make her feel that she needs to do anything other than what she needs to do I am frightened that I haven’t done enough.

She has moved away from where I live so that she can be closer to her family (understandably) so I can’t just pop over and see her. When it comes to making contact with her, I have emailed / texted often to let her know that I am thinking of her and if she wants to talk to let me know and that I am there for her – but I haven’t actually picked up the phone.

I guess I am scared that I will call her at the wrong moment – that she will feel guilty if I ring and she doesn’t want to speak to me – that I don’t know what to say.

If anyone who has been through this could offer any advice, I would really appreciate it. I love her so much and I am so scared of what she has to face and I want to make sure that I do everything I can to make her feel I am there for her.

I'm so sorry OP. This blog post might help kateelizabethgross.wordpress.com/2014/01/15/sitting-in-the-sun-with-us/ The author has very sadly died, her words are beautiful and may offer some help.

Just pick up the phone, don't over think it. She may be wondering why you haven't. From an outsider looking in, you don't want to look back with regrets. Make the most of things by having chats as much as possible.

OP, you sound lovely and I am sorry you are going through this.

I am sure that you have been there for her. You sound like a wonderful friend. I would second the advice of PPs: pick up the phone, give her a call, and tell her straight up that you're not sure what to do or say, so you're asking her to tell you what she needs.

People do withdraw, often en masse, from those who are sick and that an expression of concern is often enough to stop the person from feeling completely lonely and isolated.

Having just lost someone in similar circumstances I would also say pick up the phone and speak to her.

What's the worst that can happen ? She either won't answer because it's not a good time for her, answer but maybe can't speak for long, or you'll have the conversation you're hoping for.

You are clearly a wonderful friend, and probably imagine that everybody else is rallying around and you may not be needed. However, many people do drop away at times like this. It's ok to say that you don't know what to say. Just be what you've always been - there for her, there's no script to follow.

You can't change the course of what's happening, but you can stay the same for her. It's bloody terrifying, and utterly unfair, but be with her and her family in whatever way you can. The only real comfort now is the love of those around her. I'm sure your friendship means the world to her.

When my friend died she didn't want people to see her as she liked to look lovely and always did, usually, so to be seen looking ill and tired wasn't what she wanted. She kept saying come and see me when I am better.

I met her one time between treatments, when she had a chance it might have gone, and she was tired but looked lovely and felt well enough to meet up. That was the last time I saw her. I wanted to go to her but she was 300 miles away and though we had been friends for 15 years, she had a lot of friends up there and her family of course. So I emailed and we talked on the phone sometimes, till she was too poorly to (the cancer got into her throat) and then her Dad took over the emails and we talked about treatments and tried to find things that might be the answer.

Nothing was and she died. I did write her a letter and sent her a piece of jewellery which I hope she will have passed on to her children, but I didn't mention her dying except in the vaguest sense, as she wanted to remain positive so I had to take her lead.

You could do worse than ask your friend directly what she would like you to do, or 'people' to do in general, she may tell you.

Better to try and get it wrong than not try at all. She needs your support.