What rights does an ex partner have to the joint home?

[namechangeforareason]

Bit of a long one I think, but I'll try to keep it as brief as I can. Sorry if this has been done to death but I couldn't find any relating threads

I separated from my ex husband in March 2013. It was my decision and he took it very badly (understandable). I was desperately unhappy but he seemed to be quite happy to plod along as it was. His behaviour since we split has been damaging at best, and has never improved. He threatened suicide twice, was very hateful and angry, and to this day I don't even have his phone number. All arrangemnets for the children (7&14) are organised through his mum. He won't come to the door to drop them home, won't answer the door at his if I'm dropping them (he pops the door handle and they have to push it open, won't even make eye contact with me ..... Sounds like I'm being petty no doubt, but I know that this is all damaging the kids)
In the last two years there have been dozens of instances of selfish/damaging behaviour. I'm telling you this so that you have a little bit of insight into how he has coped so far with the separation, which may explain my feelings of unease and worry over what comes next

Ok so moving on to the current day. We have a joint mortgage and I have paid that on my own since July 2013 (he moved out March 2013)
He hasn't paid a penny since then, neither towards the mortgage nor maintenance for the children. He does see them regularly, and despite the way he handles drop offs/collections he is a good dad and they adore him.
I know that he doesn't want to hurt them, he just doesn't know how to control his emotions

I have a new partner, I met her (yes. Her) a few months after my split. We have been together for 17 months. My eldest child is aware of the relationship and has been incredibly mature about it. I'm very proud. We haven't discussed it with my youngest yet. My eldest is concerned about getting ribbed at school, and we decided that perhaps my youngest might not be the most descreet person to know!

We are talking about the day that we live together, and have thought that maybe in a years time we would like to take that step. (My eldest will be off to college at that point and the pressure of his exams will be over, plus he will be out of the school environment)
My children are everything me, I have made every decision during this horrible time with their happiness at the forefront. Everything is carefully thought out and I guess that maybe I'm over thinking some things. I don't know. Anyhow .....

We anticipate that my ex will be very unhappy with the decision to live together and therefore do anything in his power to stop this from happening

I cannot afford to have the mortgage on my own and I do not wish for my new partner to join me on the existing mortgage (for her own financial protection)

What I need to know:

Can he stop her from moving in?
Can he just come back and live here if he wants to?
Can he insist that I sell the house?
Basically, can he do anything vindictive to stop us from being together?

I may have given random info that's not required here, but I guess some background is required to have some understanding of my nervousness of the whole thing.

I would really appreciate some advice, either from people with the legal know how, or from people who may have found themselves in a similar situation

Thanks :)

Can you get a free first hour's consultation with a solicitor (in fact go to several as sometimes they have different advice)?

My basic understanding is that if the house is in both your names, then he has the right to insist that you buy him out or sell. However I think since he moved out so long ago that he cannot insist that he lives there again.

But I'm not a lawyer - so you should contact one. Also, if he's working then he should be paying maintenance. You may not feel you need it, but his legal responsibility as a parent is to share the costs of raising his children.

Your best bet is going to be to talk to a solicitor. It's possible that he could apply for a court order to force the sale of the house but he might not win - it would depend on everyone's circumstances but the court would consider what's best for the children (which is quite likely to be that they and you remain in the home until they are adults but that he gets a share of the proceeds when it is sold). He can't prevent you from having a relationship with someone else: you are not his property. He could make things difficult for you if you live somewhere very conservative, but even then he could be legally constrained.

But you really do need some legal advice. He can't escape paying maintenance for the DC just because you have dumped him, for instance.

You do need proper legal advice here and I would push for a proper divorce and division of assets.
Apart from anything else, you are paying towards an asset of him.

Yes legal advice will be a good start. God I just feel a bit overwhelmed by it all. I can't afford a solicitor I don't think (I certainly don't have thousands to spare) but I'm not on benefits so I doubt that I can get anything for free........, so where do I even start?

With regards to maintenance, this may sound odd..... But I don't really want it. I'm doing ok. I can afford to buy what I need for the kids. I feel that him paying me will be another way for him to have control over me. Withholding money. Complaining if I buy something etc. He does plead poverty so I don't really want to give him anything else to moan about. I just can't be bothered with it. I also would like him to be able to afford to do nice things with the kids when they are there. I'm aware that I probably sound bonkers. I guess I feel the less ties the better and I want to be secure and independent.

I'm scared to ask for a divorce I think. One because I know I can't afford to pay loads of money to get it going. And two because it's like waking a sleeping beast. Am I being a total wimp?

I was wondering if he could insist that I sell. Because I wouldn't be able to afford to get a mortgage again so effectively that would make us homeless

It is likely that you would be awarded a large percentage of the home.
Do you have much equity? Save some money and invest on a solicitor to sort it out.

"Apart from anything else, you are paying towards an asset of him"

This.

What exactly is your relationship with him? You describe him as ex partner in the thread title, ex husband in the body of the post.
If you're married to him, is there a reason why you can't divorce or at least get legal advice? How long were you married? Two years is a long time to be sitting on an asset that's joint and not getting advice to protect yourself.
Just adding to the chorus, get legal advice ASAP.

I think you need to break free of the idea that you have to placate this man. You dumped him, quite rightly, and his behaviour has been crap and selfish ever since. You need to use the law to put him in his place: he has a legal obligation as well as a moral one to pay towards his children's upbringing (if you really don't need the money, put it in savings accounts for the DC to have when they are older). You don't need his permission or his co-operation to divorce him but get as much information as possible before taking the first steps so you won't be blindsided by any bullshit from him (eg trying to forcibly move back in when he has no right to do so, or threats that he will have you declared an unfit mother because you are in a same-sex relationship - he can't do that.)

I would talk to a Solicitor with regards to the property and asap with particular regard to this comment stated by you as well - "I cannot afford to have the mortgage on my own and I do not wish for my new partner to join me on the existing mortgage (for her own financial protection). As he is still named on the mortgage and no steps have been taken by you to remove him from this either (why have you not got him removed?) he still has some power here. Have you actually talked to the mortgage co re your mortgage at all since the separation?. Are you actually now divorced from this man?.

Re your comment:-

"He hasn't paid a penny since then, neither towards the mortgage nor maintenance for the children. He does see them regularly, and despite the way he handles drop offs/collections he is a good dad and they adore him.
I know that he doesn't want to hurt them, he just doesn't know how to control his emotions"

Your last sentence here is basically you making excuses for him and makes you therefore seem weak. He is not a good dad as for your "they adore him" no they do not. They are not daft and just want to keep on his "good" side. They see how you are still treated by him; the ways in which pick ups and drop offs are done are appalling and a bad example to be setting his children. As you rightly state his behaviour is damaging behaviour to them so its up to you to adopt a different tack now. Women tend to write the "good dad" comment when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man (you have indeed written nothing at all positive about him).

Why were legal means re contact never used; informal arrangements as well with someone who is inherently unreasonable rarely if ever work out well. Do your children still want to see him at all given his past behaviours?.

I would certainly also pursue a maintenance claim for his children; he is also financially responsible for them and he should be paying.

Hi Gin

Sorry to be unclear
We are married. We were together for 14 years, married for two.

I don't think that there's a reason we can't divorce. I'm just guessing that he's going to explode again if I raise it. I asked him to go to mediation but he refused.
Ideally I would very much indeed like to be divorced from him.

Protect myself. That's important you're right. I guess I'm going to have to bite the buldnt and go and see a solicitor. It's a bit scary

"With regards to maintenance, this may sound odd..... But I don't really want it. I'm doing ok. I can afford to buy what I need for the kids. I feel that him paying me will be another way for him to have control over me. Withholding money. Complaining if I buy something etc. He does plead poverty so I don't really want to give him anything else to moan about. I just can't be bothered with it. I also would like him to be able to afford to do nice things with the kids when they are there. I'm aware that I probably sound bonkers. I guess I feel the less ties the better and I want to be secure and independent".

I'm scared to ask for a divorce I think. One because I know I can't afford to pay loads of money to get it going. And two because it's like waking a sleeping beast. Am I being a total wimp?

Yes you are wimping out here and he is using that currently weak stance of yours to his advantage.

You do not have to placate this man because doing that has simply given yourself more rope to hang yourself by. In the meantime he is living the life of Riley. No man is above the law and he should be paying maintenance for his children; he is financially responsible still for them even though you are now separated. The money is for them (its not about you not wanting it) and I think you are still very much afraid of him even though you are now apart (thankfully). He still has a degree of control over you all; he still visits your home to drop your children off and does not pay a penny towards the childrens upkeep.

Call some solicitors and have a chat with them. You cannot bury your head in the sand any more. I would seek legal advice because you do seem very under informed as to the legalities. Knowledge after all is power!.

BTW, if there is domestic abuse, you can ask for legal aid.
If you are scared of him and have evidence of threats, or witnesses to abuse, by all means complain and apply for legal aid.

You should not be scared of him, nor of asking for a divorce (to a court, not him).

And it sounds like you may benefit from contacting WA.

I'm seeing these comments pop up as I type, so apologies for delayed responses!
Lweji, yes there is equity. Probably about 100k, which I know sounds huge but where I live I would be pretty stuck if we had to sell up. And I don't want to sell. The kids are so happy here. Thank you all for the advice, it's eye opening having others views and very valuable.
Attila, nail. Head. I hate him. I honestly do. The last two years have been hell.
But they really do love him to bits, and he does lots of lovely things with them. He basically lives for them.
It pains me to say that, because honestly he's a total douche in every other wa. Conflicting I know
I think they blame me, he's made sure that they know he's not living here because 'mummy doesn't love me'
Twat

No domestic abuse. Im afraid of what will happen when I get this ball rolling I think.

Jesus Christ you are all right. I know I'm doing things (or not!) based on what will rile him up the least.

I guess I'm fearful of going back to that time where he was threatening suicide, that was a horrific time and I just want things to be calm and settled.

I have to ride the Storm don't I

I'm totally not a pussy either. I left this man because I was so unhappy. I came out to my family and friends.

If I can do that I can do this

Lweji..... WA?

Sorry, Women's Aid.

Have you read the definition of domestic abuse? It includes during and after the relationship.

Threats of suicide are emotional abuse.

I haven't. But now I'm going to
Thank you lweji

Just had a little look on the WA website and found a link to a free women's helpline that gives family law advice. Thank you so much

The ball....it's moving!

OP would you consider selling the house and going into rented with your new partner, as a sort of trial step towards buying together? Obviously that would involve your DCs both knowing and accepting the relationship, but if you really love this woman then that's got to happen sometime.

It sounds like this man dickhead is still holding you hostage to HIS selfish wants. That needs to stop. You do not owe him the rest of your life or happiness.

"I think they blame me, he's made sure that they know he's not living here because 'mummy doesn't love me'"

Are you certain of this, or is this yet another way of his to punish you for having the gall in his eyes to actually leave him. They have seen you being abused by him, in turn they have been emotionally abused as well. His suicide threats were and are just another means of holding onto control of you. Threats of suicide from him were and are emotionally abusive.

They need to be dissuaded of that notion fast if they hold it and you need to tell them the age appropriate truth re why you and he cannot be together any more if you have not already done so or have only told them bits and pieces.

The best legacy you can leave your children here going forward is for the two of them not to end up being either the abused or an abuser in their own adult relationships.

If your family and friends are decent people they will support you in freeing yourself from this man too. You came out and they went onto accept that, they should accept this as well.

Get that ball further moving!.

Pocket: I have considered that, but it doesn't seem to make too much sense. If things didn't work out (I have to think about that possibility) then we would be left having rent somewhere ourselves. My mortgage is fairly low, a lot lower than rent would be. And I work from home, so my house is set up for my business and pretty much allows me the income I receive.

Realistically, we need to stay here if we can. I can't afford to buy him out, and because I'm self employed theres no way to remove him from the mortgage and leave me as the sole owner (my bottom line is pathetic!)

I am very happy now, i just need to get all this stuff sorted out!

Attila:
My 7 year old has actually quoted that to me :(
She's doing brilliantly now, but it has been an incredibly emotional road for her, compounded and made far worse than it should have been by the way he has behaved. He likes to apportion blame, and play the por me card. It's actually auite embarrassing and he has lost a lot of friends through his behaviour.

They never saw abuse. He was just slyly controlling. All very surprising to family and friends, it was well hidden :(

At some point you may have to consider supervised contact if he is actually emotionally abusing the children.

I'm not defending him now: but I don't think he is.
I think that he WAS. And I was just too caught up in the Storm to do anything about it.
But I've drawn a line under that as much as I can. See, I can't tackle him on things as they arise because I don't want the kids to see any upset. But with regards to thinks like not opening the door..... I just refused to drop them there anymore, I now drop them to his aunt so they aren't subjected to it.

It's all really fucking ridiculous

Maybe I'm just so used to these little things now that I'm not seeing them for what they are