Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MY PARTNERS FAMILY HATES ME WITH A PASSION! HELP!

49 replies

candidkate · 15/02/2015 20:12

My partner and I have been together for five years and its been a very rocky road. His family come from East Africa and culturally (according to them) prefer to marry their own people. Despite my partner being in The UK since he was FOUR YEARS OLD they speak MINIMAL english and the language barrier is unbearable. I've tried to be nice but they seem to avoid me at all costs and when they do speak to me i have to greet them and squeeze awkward responses from them. They refuse to even meet my eyes. My partner was meant to go away with them and decided not to at the last minute because of work commitments - he doesn't want to live at home much longer. They went on a rant calling me evil saying I MADE HIM DO IT.

His sister who is British detests me also because my partner lent me her straighteners and when i first met her said i had the same foundation as her but preferred a different brand (I'M NOT LYING ITS THAT PETTY). I must assure you that when i say hate i mean HATE. They speak about me in their language when i am there, they shout at my partner to get rid of me when I'm over at the house and despite me standing by his side for FIVE YEARS prefer this random girl he went out with for a few months when we were on a break.

This can not be healthy for any children he and i will want to have down the line.....what do i do?
Keep my future kids away from them?
Never return to the house ever again?
Try and speak to them or send ANOTHER message?

I'm so tired and desperate. I just want a normal family life but ive tried everything. I dont see how we can move forward without him disowning them which he has wanted to do before he and i even met. He hates them and i always push for him to make an effort. If anything i hate the fact that they dont get along because it looks like ive put him up to it!
Anyone had this experience? Is it because I am outside of their culture? Can things ever change?

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 15/02/2015 20:18

In all honesty I'm not sure I could stand by him.

Some things just aren't worth fighting for in life and I cannot imagine how they would behave if you have children together.

The only way forward IMO is to go no contact with all of them.

WaxOnWaxOff · 15/02/2015 20:24

It doesn't sound like there's any chance of you building any kind of relationship with your partner's family.

You say your relationship has already been a rocky road and you've split once? Throw into that mix any kind of major life event - special birthday, wedding, birth, funeral, and a family of nightmare in-laws like this, and it will pile 100% more pressure onto your already rocky relationship.

Tbh I think no contact at all is the only way your relationship with your DP is going to work out, but that realisation and decision has to come from your DP.

GoatsDoRoam · 15/02/2015 21:05

What does he do when his family say and do things to hurt or exclude you?

That is key. If he has your back, then the two of you have a future together.
If not... then you don't, unless and until he has an epiphany that it's his job to set limits with them when they behave unacceptably.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 15/02/2015 21:20

I'm so tired and desperate. I just want a normal family life but ive tried everything. I dont see how we can move forward without him disowning them which he has wanted to do before he and i even met. He hates them and i always push for him to make an effort.

I am confused. They have been hideous to you for 5 years but you think they can become normal nice in-laws. He wants to go NC but you push him to stay in contact.

Listen to him. He has lived with them all his life. Cut them loose.

You will never have a normal family life if they are in it.

Lots of people have families without grandparents, aunts, cousins etc. That is a normal family life for many people.

My DH has no GPs or aunts or uncles or cousins because his parents are both only children and had their own DC very late in life (GPs all died before he could walk). His siblings, spouses and their children live in different countries, due to successful globetrotting jobs. It is quite normal.

Mylifepart2 · 15/02/2015 21:33

What Melon says - my OH was really distant from his parents when we met and I tried for years to create happy families by engaging them - dinners out, holidays, etc he was not really bothered but it all back fired and they treated me like shit for years and years. I wish i was not so naive and had walked away with him from them a long time ago.

Looks like the ILs are the ones who will be issuing a NC on you both if you marry....

Hymencowell · 15/02/2015 21:48

I would not give these vile people the time of day! How nasty when all you have done is try to do nice things and encourage your partner to see them!

I would learn how to say fuck off and stick it up your arse in the language they speak and go about my day.. Then id take pleasure in my partner banning them from his life.. I may even post a pic of me smiling whilst flipping the bird

But that's just me

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/02/2015 21:48

Definitely don't go back there. There's no good reason to put yourself in the way of more punishment. I'm not sure I'd be considering a future with someone with such a horrinke family. Even if there is 'NC' in place, there's often some kind of problem.

Joysmum · 15/02/2015 21:50

Why do you think you know better than your partner regarding his family? Confused

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 15/02/2015 21:53

They sound absolutely awful. If he doesn't want anything to do with them - that's his choice and his right. There is absolutely no reason to have horrible people in your life because of an accident of birth.

My husband is from Kenya. He's been in the uk 20 odd years. Most of the family are still in Kenya and love me very much. As I do them. They send me gifts, his mother calls me her daughter. She learned some English just to be able to speak to me. Came to the uk twice to visit us having always said she could never dare fly. She's now in her 90s and going strong.

I am NOT trying to rub salt in your wounds and I hope it doesn't come across like that, I only say it because I was concerned to read that you think there is or could be something cultural in their treatment of you.

There isn't. There really isn't.

They're just dicks.

TeaFor6 · 15/02/2015 21:57

If your DP 'hates them' then why are you still seeing them at all? They don't like you, neither you or DP like them.
Maybe it's time to give up and be happy with the family you and your DP will be without them

Vivacia · 15/02/2015 21:57

Why do you encourage him to make an effort with his family?

I recognise this in my own family, it seems to be a working class value that we rarely question. I certainly didn't until I joined MN and felt that women actually have permission to not facilitate their partner's relationships.

Vivacia · 15/02/2015 21:58

Anyway, the key question has already been asked - what does your DP do when they treat you like this?

Hissy · 15/02/2015 22:08

Sounds like a DP problem here love!

No way I'd allow anyone I loved to be treated like that by anyone!

Joysmum · 15/02/2015 23:35

Sounds like a DP problem here love!

Why? He hates them and wants to disown them but it's the OP who's pushing him not to!

Original poster
candidkate · 17/02/2015 14:12

I know its sounds like i have contradicted myself guys and thank you for getting back to me.

When I first met them things were lukewarm to cold - but the secound they noticed that he wasnt just a bastard and that i actually made him happy they started to hate me. Despite them having problems for YEARS AND YEARS i know they blame me. I know it sounds silly but i believe that if he can make his relationship with them better maybe we all will get along more?

I will never leave him i love him and when we split we were best friends still. We have had a rocky road as i have suffered from depression and lost my best friend to cancer , she was gone within three months of being diagnosed. I spoke to her on the phone everyday and then she was gone. just like that. He has an alcohol problem at the time and it all was just too much for the both of us.

What i fear is that he will have a change of heart if i support him in cutting all ties. then what?

OP posts:
Original poster
candidkate · 17/02/2015 14:15

Vivacia he used to argue with them all the time and even gave them a sit down! They completely deny any wrong doing and are calling him sensitive!

OP posts:
Original poster
candidkate · 17/02/2015 14:17

WaxOnWaxOff - I don't want him to make a mistake and for me to play a factor in it. I dont want children without grandparents or family. If he cuts all ties our children will never ever know that side of the family. It's sad and depresses me.

Things get deeper - his sister works with my sister and i do not want her listening to shit any longer!

OP posts:
Hissy · 17/02/2015 14:17

I was wrong, sorry - should have RTFT better...

If he wants to cut contact, then support him - think that ol' drinking problem might find itself more manageable too as a result.

have a conversation with him and talk through how you feel, and how he feels and discuss what you think should happen and what you both would like to happen.

GoatsDoRoam · 17/02/2015 14:18

How is he handling his alcohol problem now?

Original poster
candidkate · 17/02/2015 14:20

Joysmum - I do not think that i know better, I would like things to work out - disowning your family and living a separate life with your partner is a big deal. I just came here looking for advice. Not sarcastic judgement.

OP posts:
Original poster
candidkate · 17/02/2015 14:25

Hissy and GoatsDoRoam - He is doing so so well I'm so proud. Sober for 3 years !!! He has his life slowly getting back on track and he is up for some very good jobs. I just do not want him around stress but I understand culturally how important family is and this is not something we can ever come back from.

As childish at is sounds the reason why this is an ongoing problem is because I'm obsessed with them maybe one day liking me and making it work. Sounds silly right? I want him stress free and not haunted by anything as big as not having a family anymore.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 17/02/2015 14:27

I think you're trying to manage someone else's problems on their behalf.

Your DP's relationship to his family is his issue to handle. Where it impacts you, is in their treatment of you, and there you have a right to expect a partner to support you and stand up for you.

But from what you're saying today, it sounds like you're trying to engineer good relations between DP and his family, so that all of you together can live out some kind of extended family idyll.

Basically, you are trying to control something that is not yours to control. The only thing that you have any influence on, are your own actions, eg.:

  • how much do you want to interact with his family?
  • what kind of a DP are you prepared to stay with?
  • when do you choose to pull up various people on their behaviour towards you?

That kind of thing.

You will probably never be able to engineer One Big Happy Family. Sorry.

Original poster
candidkate · 17/02/2015 14:29

TeaFor6 - Perhaps the issue is me? I always ask myself why I'm so obsessed with them excepting me. I have a shitty family life myself and cant bear to tell my children one day that despite every last one of their grandparents being alive none want to see them!
I know there is more to childhood than that but it makes me sad. The language barrier makes it all 100000 times worse.

He recently got an amazing job offer from Dubai and wants us to go. I'm tempted but know its the final nail in the coffin. I know family make up and break up but this is really the end.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 17/02/2015 14:30

And you should definitely stop caring about what people think of you!

Sticking around people who are nasty to you in the hopes that they will change their behaviour towards you is nuts. You're rewarding their nastiness and giving them even less incentive to treat you decently.

Original poster
candidkate · 17/02/2015 14:35

GoatsDoRoam - I understand completely but genuinely am heartbroken. I've invested so much into the issue because I want a normal life. Its not normal to get married and have no family there. Its not normal for children not knowing grandparents despite them all being alive and well. I feel as though moving forward there will always be a hideous elephant in the room.

Am I wrong?

I want to come off the pill and start a family. In my culture family is everything and its everything in his. Where the hell did it all go wrong? Will it really just be him and i alienated from everyone? Do i just need a culture readjustment? Am i factoring in his and my family into things too much regarding moving forward?

OP posts: